Serious offer of cash for car fixage. Wanted, person with SKILLZ

[Guest Breadvan72]

Serious offer:

 

 

Anyone fancy changing the clutch on a 1983/4 Lancia HPE Volumex in return for CASH money?    My regular bloke Roy is unwell, and can't take on the job.  

 

Good points about this job:

 

Instant payment in cash at an hourly rate to be agreed.  Reasonable travel expenses also paid straight away in cash.   

 

Decent lunch provided, plus unlimited cups of tea, and (optional) terrible Knock Knock gags.  

 

Proper Lancia workshop book provided, and also Haynes BOL.  

 

Clutch kit provided and hopefully all needful bits, but please bring your own tools.

 

Unskilled clueless numptie fuckwit assistant labour available for free (ie: me).

 

Free hoon in the car ( supercharged two litre Lampredi twin cam with ace steering and suspension and good tyres) if you fix it first, are insured to drive any car and have a full driving licence with nothing worse than speeding points on it.  

 

 

Bad points about this job.  

 

Old car, might be a right boogah to do, who knows?  

 

No garage, outdoor work.  Roughish bit of hardstanding (sheets and blankets etc can be provided to catch the washers etc).

 

No stands or ramp here - you will need to bring something proper and safe to get the car up.   NB - SAFE.  Happy Shoppa Valu jacks not allowed.

 

 

Optional extras;  why not give it an oil change, check/change the plugs, and do some small bitty fixy jobs as well while yer here?

 

Location:  South Oxfordshire, three minutes drive from junctions 5 and 6 of the M40.

 

If you are interested you must please have successfully changed a clutch on at least three different cars and preferably more, and be able to show by credible references that you are a competent mechanic, whether professional or amateur.

 

The work would be done on the basis that you contract to do it with reasonable care and skill.   This means the standard to be expected of a reasonably competent mechanic,  ie not the best mechanic in the world, but not the worst either  (that would be me ).    Seriously, please don't take this on on the basis of "Hey, I've filled the screen wash on my Fiesta; fixing a 1980s Italian car, how hard could that be?"  Please only offer to do the job if you really can do it.

 

PM me if you fancy this.  Cheerze.

[Jim Bell]

There should be more threads like this, and I hope someone comes up with the skills for you fella.

[vulgalour]

I would help but your car sounds too fast and entertaining for me to enjoy after fixing* it for you.  For that reason (and nothing to do with a lack of mechanical experience), I'm oot.

[Split_Pin]

Every forum should have a fixy-uppy things chap. I had one from a previous Vauxhall forum, he was superb and a genuinely decent bloke. Sadly something happened between him and the club owner and he disappeared forever.

[saucedoctor]

I bet Albert Ross could do it no probs. Maybe drop him a PM?

[Hertz]

No stands or ramps you say? Got any 4 be 4 knocking around for me guv?

 

[beko1987]

You could borrow my ramps, stands and halfords jack if you need. Could run them round after work one day. They iz safe innit. Stands held my mates 316 up for 4 months a few years ago. Champs they are.

 

Got a shit halfords crawler which is comfy but lifts you 2 inches which is fucking pointless. And it won't roll around on anything other than smooth marble, so if breadvam is being mean and only letting you use the butlers driveway rather than his one it won't move

 

Just in case that part is an issue for anyone with a moped or summink

[Mr_Bo11ox]

This is half tempting actually although in my experience of fixing Betas everything is deliberately made as inaccessible and uncooperative as possible by the shitehawk pasta munchers who designed it!!! Could you wait a fortnight for it to be done?

[Guest Breadvan72]

Cheeeerze, Beko, muy esplendido.

[Guest Breadvan72]

I'd rather not wait a fortnight but I will if there's no option.

[DSdriver]

I have changed the required three clutches in three different cars but haven't done one for about thirty years. However... I've also got a note from my Mum excusing me from changing clutches due to a scratch on my knee.

Soz.

[Skizzer]

I am exactly the person you are not looking for.

 

But I do have a jack and some stands, an Autoshite Best Buy Halfords Advanced socket set and a BFO sledge hammer. With the HBOL I'm sure we could figure it out between us, no? Just need to learn to swear in Italian.

 

Also, we could make a documentary about it for Channel 5, that might even pay for a new Volumex for you if* we broke it.

 

WCPGW?

[saucedoctor]

"Fungule! Figlio di puttana!". "Mangiare questo, bastardo!" (While waving a club hammer)

 

 

 Then say "Marone!" and cross yourself.

[Skizzer]

Slower, slower, I'm writing this down...

 

 

I thought mangiare questo meant 'what's for dinner'? No wonder I didn't get asked back to Milan after my last trip.

[hairnet]

blx rover garages

 

haz had lancia sypathies in the past

 

ideal candidate....??

[red5]

Hmm.

[Albert Ross]

Alas, alack, I am too booked up with my regular job, and geography is a little of a bind..... also, time scales mean I am not free until the 23rd of May, and to be honest, the cost of fuel alone to get me to you would render it a prohibitive cost. Sos etc. (Currently refitting a gearbox on an Insignia at work. Last clutch job outside work before that was a 3.0V6 diesel Vectra estate.) I tend to do as few clutches as possible, because they're wank to do.

[srad34]

You had me till Knock knock jokes......I'm out

[Lacy]

Last clutch I changed was about 18 months ago, new clutch and DMF on wifes Mk5 Golf dizzler......Hated ever feckin' second of the job and there aint enough money that would persuade me to do a clutch that I absolutely didn't have to.....soz...

[Guest Breadvan72]

Le Capitaine Dangleparts Von Testiculos de Bolleaux has put forward his mighty Cojones.   Let's hope that this kind offer isn't more rash than the one on a fat Marathon runner's nadgers.

[Tetleysmooth]

Every forum should have a fixy-uppy things chap. I had one from a previous Vauxhall forum, he was superb and a genuinely decent bloke. Sadly something happened between him and the club owner and he disappeared forever.

 

How long ago was that?

Did he come from Northwood Hills, Greater London?

If his name was Charlie, he came and did a bit of work to a Senator A, I used to have.

Lovely bloke who lived and breathed Senators.

[inconsistant]

I've been to a Clutch gig, my wife has a clutch bag, and there used to be a Mr Clutch just under a mile from the house before last that we lived in. Also I've got some Lancia brochures and magazines from the 80s in the loft, and a friend of my Dad's had a Lancia once although now I think about it, it might have been an Alfa. So I'm definitely qualified, I just reckon that you'll sue the shite out of me if I fuck it up, and I can't work under that sort of pressure, so for that reason alone, Aam oot.

[tooSavvy]

Didn't 'watchdog' do a stitch up of some garage 'MrClutch', or somesuch, and put a camera near the bonnet and sent it in for a clutch.

 

It was driven around the back - left all day - and driven back round for 'collection'!! Epic 

 

Don't use their fitter M8 

 

 

TS

[HillmanImp]

Do what I do. Take it to bits as best you can (that's easy). If and when you get stuck ring up a mate who knows about cars (in my case Volksy) explain what you are trying to do so badly that they get really pissed off with you (say things like thrush bearing and ask if your 1986 Lancia has a DMF etc) and they then have to come round your house to see what a mess you have made of it. Obviously you say, 'I will do it, you just need to point out where I have gone wrong' to look like you really can be arsed to learn for next time. Once they are they supervising you, when they ask you to do something play stupid(er), do the opposite of what they ask so that they get even more annoyed and just say 'Get out of the way' and do it for you whilst you drink some Fosters and look at porn on your phone. If you have not drunk all the beer by the time they have finished give it to them as thanks for all the hard work.

 

Job done. 

[oldford]

I helped with a timing belt recently and got rewarded with lovely home made chocolate cake and cups of tea.

[Spiny Norman]

A shiters fix-it service is something I'd be quite willing to pay for, were such a thing available.
 

[Guest Breadvan72]

Mr B is ready, willing, and able, and we have the parts, but the wx is too crarp for rolling around saying RUDEWORDS underneath Italian shitheaps.

[Bobthebeard]

Do what I do. Take it to bits as best you can (that's easy). If and when you get stuck ring up a mate who knows about cars (in my case Volksy) explain what you are trying to do so badly that they get really pissed off with you (say things like thrush bearing and ask if your 1986 Lancia has a DMF etc) and they then have to come round your house to see what a mess you have made of it. Obviously you say, 'I will do it, you just need to point out where I have gone wrong' to look like you really can be arsed to learn for next time. Once they are they supervising you, when they ask you to do something play stupid(er), do the opposite of what they ask so that they get even more annoyed and just say 'Get out of the way' and do it for you whilst you drink some Fosters and look at porn on your phone. If you have not drunk all the beer by the time they have finished give it to them as thanks for all the hard work.

 

Job done.

 

Much chortling gone on at this..

 

I used similar tactics when I had to dig up the horrible concrete frontage at Beard Towers prior to having some paving done..

Invited a mate round who is a landscaper to give me 'some advice'. After five minutes of him watching me tapping the concrete with an 18" crowbar and best diy hammer, he shouted "for fucks sake, you will be there until Christmas doing it like that" (It was in May).

He drove off and came back with his trailer and mini digger. Had the lot up in an hour. Lol!

I gave him the two boxes of Stella that I had bought in advance, knowing that his patience would give out sooner rather than later!

[Guest Breadvan72]

As reported elsewhere on this channel, Mr B done the blag, and he done it reet champion, like.   

[barefoot]

Fuck sticks, I was just about to offer, but I'm washing my hair that week innit.