Autoshite Quote of the Year 2014 - Please Add

[cms206]

Resurrecting this star vehicle for another year, unless someone already has and I can't find it. I'll open with this which has had me wake the missus up with me laughing.

 

It's 6.30am and I have an A-frame in the back of my Prairie. That can only mean one thing. Shite hauling time. Wish me luck... it's gonna be a long day!

 

[purplebargeken]

My personal favourite, not so much a quote but bloody funny anyway,

 

 

 

I bought this shite from a Lancia dealer. Night before I was due to collect I dreamed of a red Lancia Gamma that morphed into a vampire, flapping it's doors and chasing me. I tried to kill it with a stake through the bonnet and awoke screaming "die you bastard".

[skattrd]

*ringring*

Hello?

Hey, it's Dugongfromautoshite.  I've found most of a Princess in a skip, do you want it?

Hell yeah!

 

So that's a thing that just happened.

 

 

Not really a quote, more of a brief conversation, but I thought it deserved repeating.

[wackywacerwill]

 

 

a car thats runs like a dream, with 10 months mot. 60,000 miles. and i now know, full service history and completely rust free for £250. well its now been scrapped for £140. im afraid this sites is not what it used to be guys.

[rml2345]

Think we had a start but it didn't take off. Anyway...

 

What I do know is that peeled cow is very overrated.

Made me chuckle. True too.

[Mr_Bo11ox]

It's the M47R, same as earlier E46 320d. The M47TU is the "Technical Update" with the Piss Flaps

[Rusty Pelican]

From Pillock , cracked me up big time

 

The body repairs will be rust. As will the headlamps. And the tyres. Bloody Italians.

[chaseracer]

I could get my self-esteem into an old Mini, it won't fit in the Bini/Nini/Silli

 

[rml2345]

Long one, but it made I lol my rofl right up;

 

And Dollywobler did cry forth - "Suggest me a car, less than 13 cubits by 7 cubits and capable of 40mpg and it must be interesting"

 

And the good people of Autoshite did suggest every single fucking car under £500 on eBay

 

And Lo did Dollywobler come forth with a piece of Yank tin the size of a Whale that uses raw polar bears for fuel.

[vulgalour]

...buy a V12 Jag sight unseen, pick it up 500 miles from home after dark and in the rain, then set off to experience the inevitable grenading of something made from a laminate of unobtainium and £bumrape.

[Pillock]

 

Yes but if you click one of the green tabs it'll find all the rest,  a bit like punching a policeman.

 

[Pillock]

it was a place that in theory, should never rust. It was like getting an STD on your knee.

 

[Gerald]

This;

 

"Its a lovely place, nice café if you're passing. it is the only place I've ever had to abort a landing because the llama's were bonking on the runway. Could hardly complete the circuit, for laughing"

[Gerald]

I've just been trying to find the origin of 'Pineapples on the roof' and found this fred:

 

http://autoshite.com/topic/12302-autoshite-tv/

 

Not a quote I know but I've got a stitch in my diaphragm and cramp in my cheeks from laughing!

[anonymous user]

Breadvan72 on not risking buying another Lancia

 

I appreciate that one of the greatest joys of Autoshite is the vicarious thrill of watching others make highly ill advised motoring related purchasing choices

 

[Split_Pin]

Asked to define the term 'Pineappled', Tayne wrote:

 

VW (or other VAG vehicle) customised by owner in VW scene style.

Elements include suspension mods of dubious safety, stretched tyres, odd coloured wheels, sticker-bombing, deliberately rusted panels, iron cross decals, German style number plates and "vintage expedition" style roof loaded with oddities such as vintage suitcases, old wooden fruit or drink crates, bicycles which will never be ridden and the afformentioned pineapple. This roof rack and load is purely for display, none of these items are intended to be removed from the vehicle and there will likely be plenty of space for the carriage of goods in the vehicle's boot.

The owner, when asked, will reveal that he has made all of these clichéd modifications because "he's an individual".

[anonymous user]

 Alfamale - regarding a lovely cheap people carrier

 

Salesman at that place is a nice bloke, used to be a chef in the local pizza takeaway

 

 

 

[cms206]

Courtesy of jbz2079...

 

My mate had a Marina 1700L Estate and the little 6mm holding down bolt was stripped and the engine blew the whole housing out while he was on a high speed thrash.

It doused the distributer with coolant, that shorted the sparks to the engine, so it just stopped.

 

Then a spark found it's way to a plug fired all the unburnt fuel in the engine and exhaust, I was about 50 yards behind the car he had just passed.

The resulting explosion blew the exhaust backbox to bits, the tailpipe went straight through the grill of the car he had just passed and burst his radiator too.

 

They both freewheeled into the next lay-by where a few words were exchanged and a few deatails.

I pulled in at the far end of the lay-by, I literally could not get out my car for howling with laughter.

[Luckythirteen]

Courtesy of Barry Cade, in the shite 4x4 thread...

 

 

 

I found this out the hard way and had to summon help quickly but politely when it came off the output shaft and surprised me a little.

 

 

OMGHGF HELP AAAARRRGGGHHH ya fecking durty ooyah HELP  etc etc.

 

I can imagine...

[chaseracer]

On TagoraSX's Tagora SX:

 

When people ask 'What happened to non-prestige marque executive cars ?'

'When did the decline start?'

You will have the answer sitting on your drive in all it's metallic beige glory.

It's a bit like owning actual proof of the meaning of life ,but with 6 chokes and brown velour.

[catsinthewelder]

 

Here it is, just like it was 2 weeks ago. Up on stands, imobile and fucked.. Old cars are GR8

 

[Alexg]

 

NorfolkNWeigh wrote

 

 

That fuckwit responsible for the Polo implies he's a BMW mechanic, I'd be most chuffed paying £120+vat an hour for this knob cheese to expertly fettle my brand new M5.

 

[drum]

Of the rusty Tagora...

Just seen this. The first set of picks gave me a MASSIVE wood and the second set made me spunk out 3 metres of MIG wire.

[cms206]

rml2345...

 

They must envy our superior Western shite. Ironic really as many of us envy them for their superior Eastern shite.

[Taff]

Courtesy of breadvan72, in the midlife crisis thread, and one who I have promised myself never to ask directions of

 

 

 Italy is of course right next to Japan. 

 

 

as a non-AS quote, I once saw a woman described as "wearing enough hairspray to stick a llama to a bus-stop" which made me giggle like a 5 year old

[catsinthewelder]

PHACKTS:  

 

Every time an MGB is laid up on SORN, a cute disabled kid gets a really nice puppy.

 

Every time an MGB is scrapped, the kid gets new legs and can walk. 

 

Assad says that he will step down and the war in Syria will end on the day when the last MGB goes in the bin.   Putin adds that he will give back the Crimea and marry his gay lover if all the hats and mugs go as well. 

 

MGB owners, you know what you have to do. 

 

[Rusty Pelican]

From Cort16

 

I read that Renault really upped their game on these, which probably means they brought it up to the quality of a bolivian dung cart.

[Split_Pin]

Corsaviour write:

 

Bubble him up but leave a note on his car saying someone on here did it, then we'll get him on board and e-punch him squarely in his virtual knackers.

 

Two thirds of my pint of LMAO have just sloshed out the glass on reading this.

[vulgalour]

Jesus. Why didnt I buy all those scrapped Minis I used to see in the scrappers, and keep them in a field somewhere, even in the Irish Sea.... I could retire and just sell one a month.

[rml2345]

I know it probably shouldn't, but this made me laugh...

 

This reminds me of a pair of axle stands that I have, which used to have curved saddles - until I asked a mate to reverse one of my cars and instead, he put it in first and smashed the other car in the face, so the stands slipped off the chassis rails and landed on the floorpans.