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With all the talk in the Wheeler Dealers thread it got me thinking that there's been a lot of programming out there that's of interest to us 'shiters. If such a thing were ever to exist (and in these days of digital multi-channel TV, it just might) I think an Autoshite TV channel's listings might look like this:

 

ASTV Channel 198

Programmes start at 7pm, because we're just as curmudgeonly as BBC4 and can't be arsed loading VHSs into the machine all day.

19:00 Terry and June

Terry faces yet another socially embarassing situation involving his boss. More importantly though he drives an Austin Ambassador.

19:30 Minder

Arthur sells a dodgy Allegro to a nun and thinks God's out for revenge.

20:30 Auto Trader

Time for your anger levels to rise, as you subject yourself to half an hour of Mike Brewer. There's some stuff about people carriers in it as well.

21:00 Old Top Gear

Proper programming at prime time. Woolie goes off to Poland to visit the FSO factory. Originally shown in 1982.

21:30 Classic Gear

Time to break out the Special Brew and get shouty with the telly. A piss-poor blend of Top Gear and The Antiques Roadshow, that ended up about as useful as Hugh Scully testing the new Pagani Zonda, or Jeremy Clarkson evaluating a Rembrandt. WARNING: Contains Jason Dawe AND Penny Mallory.

22:30 Dempsey and Makepeace

Posh fit bird in an Escort cabrio, brash American in a Merc SL. Cop stuff goes on. You need not know any more than this. Added '80s London background as a bonus.

23:30 UFO

Aliens and stuff like that, with a fascinating look at how people in 1970 thought 1980 would look. Contains weird concept cars and purple wigged astro-birds.

00:30 Terry and June

Probably not the same episode as before, though who's going to notice?

01:00 Minder

see listing for 19:30

02:00/02:30 Wrecks to Riches

Dominic Littlewood and the fragrant VBH sort out a seemingly ungrateful family with a Zafira that they have their kids clambering over and trashing before they've even handed the cash over. Dom even has to wait for his cash as they have to go and sort out finance first. WARNING: Contains scenes of modern car buyer moronity that 'shitists may find disturbing.

03:00

Closedown or, more likely, a blue screen showing that the tape has got to the end and the Matsui VX-22 is rewinding.

Followed by static until 07:00 tomorrow, when Betterware TV takes over for three hours.

 

Any ideas for day two's programming?

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Antiques Shite show.

 

Two teams are given £500 to go and buy two prime examples of automotive chod, which they must then repair / bog up, and then re-sell at a car auction for the biggest profit possible. Extra "restoration" cash is awarded to contestants on the basis of buying the most bizarre / undesirable [to the rest of the known universe] / most knackered old ruin possible.

Team captains are Richard Hammonds mother, and a de-frocked nun from Cleethorpes.

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The Professionals and Lovejoy for added car related chod?

 

Would probably need to invest in a £9.99 asda value DVD player though, alternatively I could donate my server which has every episode of the above downloaded?

 

We could have an hour of those old 1960's road documentaries from youtube (at work so can't find one to link). Would kill time.

 

Would all the adverts be old car adverts as well?

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Would all the adverts be old car adverts as well?

 

I think they'd have to be. I can't see any companies paying to advertise. Well, maybe WeBuyAnyCar would- though when one of the viewers rings up and asks "how much for an MOT-less Daewoo Espero?" they might twig that running the adverts isn't a good idea.

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2.30 pm Sunday: Shiteyard Challenge. Two teams are set loose in a yard full of hovercraft and medieval seige weapons made from old oil drums and bits of discarded combine harvesters and have two days to produce a Talbot Horizon each, the team whose car breaks down nearest to the straw bale placed in the middle of a field conveniently situated next door being the winners.

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7:15 Saturday: Points & Condenser of View. Including an interview with head of programming who explains that the showings of On The Buses are not special cuts with the humour removed, they're all like that. Also a chat with ASTV's technical director who explains how he repaired a satellite uplink using an old steel wheel.

 

9:30 Carwatch UK: Hosted by a friend of Nick Ross, this is a programme where you can call in about interesting cars you spotted but couldn't get a picture of. Tonight's reconstructions include a Sierra with danglemirrors on the A19, and a horrifying pink Mini in Croydon. If you have information about any of the cars featured in tonight's programme, please call 0800 999 9999. Videoplus 71011342 Note: Do not phone the videoplus number. It's a fire station somewhere and they say about three quarters of their calls are about interesting cars people have seen. Lives have been lost.

 

10:25 Match of the Day: Highlights from football grounds carpark CCTV. If anyone went to today's match in an interesting car, we've got the footage! Tonight's games include: Nissan Cherry at Everton v Southampton, Renault 19 at Stoke v Swansea and Ford Capri at QPR v West Ham. Note: there is no coverage of the actual football in this programme, PLEASE stop taping it and complaining to Points & Condenser of View. Seriously, it's like three quarters of the letters we get. Videoplus 0223

 

11:35 Carwatch UK Update: Update on tonight's appeal, as usual followed by a request that you stop phoning in to report violent criminals. Seriously, it's the majority of the calls now.

 

11:45: Closedown. The national anthem, followed by Babestation Poker XXX

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Sitting here, laughing like a loon, being stared at by my esteemed colleagues. Might I add that ASTV is to be Freeview only, with a duff analogue sound carrier that you can pick up at the lower end of the FM scale.

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8.00pm Tuesday - Shite do you think you are? - Trace the history of your own/some old chod, with plenty of scenes of driving randomly around the country, and looking elated when you find out that a previous owner once worked with someone who made the first pocket calculator.

 

9.00pm Tuesday - You've been fucked. Harry Hill narrates the hilarious escapades of ordinary folk tasked with buying something for £120 sight unseen, and dragging it halfway across the country. Every week features the same challenge undertaken by someone who knows what they are doing as well. Much hilarity ensues. (Not suitable for children)

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7:15 Saturday: Points & Condenser of View. Including an interview with head of programming who explains that the showings of On The Buses are not special cuts with the humour removed, they're all like that.

 

Charming! :roll:

 

I was enjoying this topic and all. Still slating OTB never goes out of fashion, why should it be any different here?

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I was enjoying this topic and all. Still slating OTB never goes out of fashion, why should it be any different here?

I like OTB.

I like Bless This House - and lots of other 70's sit com stuff with politically uncorrect humour.

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Time team shite special

Tony Robinson leads excavations in a breakers yard in Scunthorpe, where there are rumours of an FSO 125p having entered the yard in the early 1990s. Through the use of dramatic reconstructions we see what the lives of FSO owners may have been like at the time.

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Surprised nobody's mentioned Dr Who yet:

The Doctor purchases a tired Marina for £500 on Ebay and armed with nothing but some t-cut and an oily rag transports it back in time to 1978 where he can sell it for it's new price.

 

..or is that too controversial?

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Plenty of 'Carry-On' would do - including Sid James purchasing a new Marina with his Budgie-based-betting winnings.

 

Fun film fact: Sid James kept the Marina from Carry on at your convenience without asking. BL didn't mind though as they were happy that a star was so pleased with the car.

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9am - Halfords Sweep. Barryboy/girl gets 2 minutes to grab as much tat from halfrauds as he/she can. The one who adds the most value to their 106/corsa/fiesta wins! (contestant must be able to provide change for a tenner)

 

10am - Can't shite Won't Shite - 2 teams are each supplied with a broken Renault Laguna 2, complete with dodgy keycard, and which ever one can get in, get it started and drive 5 miles wins!

 

11am - Bargain Shite - Exactly the same format as Bargain Hunt, just set at an auto jumble

 

12am - Wish you were here - Look on in envy for an hour as some smug git in a lovely old motor drives around somewhere nice for the day, with all their fuel and expenses paid for! (would probably need to get sponsorship for that...)

 

There we go, daytime lineup complete.

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the shiteton factor, monday 19.00, contestants compete in a range of tasks to test their physical stamina and mental attributes concerning old shite, physical tests include the shite scrapyard assault course where they clamber through piles of cars stacked 3 cars high on a pre determined route avoiding oil puddles and broken glass, removing parts from a list given

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Shite SOS

Nick Knowles descends on owners of old chod, facing a big MOT fail or whatever. The car is then secretly 'restored', old serck plates added, optional extras removed and plastic blanking plates added to the dash, modern head unit replaced by a PYE cassette player etc. Un pimp my ride.

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"The X factor on ice - Winter Special." - Where we watch assorted rammle try and climb a local ice & snow covered slope using nothing more than tappet-bouncing engine revs and whatever brand of 1995 Exxon Radial ditchfinders the 'competitors' are fitted with. No 4x4s allowed, and bonus points for sliding all the way back down the hill in an amusing manner.

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7:45 Shite To Reply. Viewer feedback programme, primarily dealing with complaints about ASTV's other viewer feedback programme. In this episode a viewer writes in to ask why the On The Buses set is underwhelming even by 1970s sitcom standards.

 

8:00 Renault Watchdog. Consumer rights programme, just telling people who have bought an out of warranty Renault how screwed they are. This week a spokesman from Renault shrugs sympathetically while being told about a diesel Clio bonnet flying open during a turbo failure and a Laguna which kept starting itself in the night and trying to get into bed with its owner, despite the keycard not even being in the ignition!

 

8:30 The Great British Bake On Powder coating competition. Mark's wife gets sick after eating food cooked in the powder coating oven. Samantha's colourful wishbones start to chip before they're even fitted to the car.

 

9:00 Panned Designs. Kevin McCloud points and laughs as a man from Northumberland converts a Victorian mansion into an enormous lock up for his collection of Vauxhall Senators.

 

10:00 Question Time. David Cameron, Nick Clegg, Ed Milliband and one of the guys from Doop answer questions from the audience including 'should I buy a fast road cam?', 'what is the difference between GL4 and GL5 spec gear oil?' and "is it worth using super unleaded in my TR7?"

 

11:45 Closedown National anthem followed by topless roulette

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Resurrect Swap Shop, with or without Noel Edmonds. We can spend Saturday morning sat in front of the TV in our pyjamas, hoping that Noel can find someone who wants to swap something for the big box of Lucas bits we've offered.

 

Pro-Celebrity Golf, in which Sam Torrance sticker bombs a Golf, while Bruce Forsyth gets in about its' coil springs with an angle grinder. Meanwhile Colin Montgomerie and Joe Pasquale go for 18 holes. Amusingly, the holes are mostly in the floorpan.

 

Songs of Praise, in which some 'Shiters gather in a garage on a Sunday evening to sing various car related songs. Ends with the benediction "May your welding torch grow cold, and your heater hot..."

 

A cut-price remake of Smokey and the Bandit. A bloke in an H-reg Cargo beavertail is challenged by the evil Minnie Cooper-Eplica, to travel at top speed* from Luton to Inverness in order to save the last 1275 Metro in the universe. Ably assisted by his buddy in a tatty Saffy Cosworth (actually a 1.8LX) running on bald remoulds, and with a massive Daffy Duck mural on the bad-boy bonnet. Love interest is a mahogany stain bulldog-human cross, scrunchie-facelift horror found on the way, which may or may not be female. In the meantime, Minnie Cooper-Eplica has set up PC Hugh R Nicked, and a guy wanting to build a 6R4 replica to thwart them. Hilarity ensues. For £1500.

 

There have to be serious programs too, tho'; Panorama, for instance. Where a bunch of bus pervs pour over the differences between different Plaxton Panoramas. Or Shite Road Truckers, where the intrepid heroes have spend a winters night at Strathcathro services in a Jennings cabbed ERF B-series, and go for a shower in the morning. Pro-Am rat stamping at Barton Park may be a possible spin-off.

 

Best of all would be Question Time, in which a panel attempts to answer the questions in the Stupid Question Amnesty.

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Surprised nobody's mentioned Dr Who yet:

The Doctor purchases a tired Marina for £500 on Ebay and armed with nothing but some t-cut and an oily rag transports it back in time to 1978 where he can sell it for it's new price.

 

..or is that too controversial?

 

Go back to '77, thus predating SOGA.

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Hi-ab challenge

Wacky new gameshow where rival teams of banger racers and pikeys compete to be the first to steal a Farina Austin Cambridge from it's elderly owner's driveway overnight without being detected. Hilarity ensues.

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8.00 The Sooty and Sweep Show, which tonight looks at broken diesel inlet manifolds, followed by the removal of underseal from a 1990's Maserati.

 

9.00 Ready Steady Cook. Tonight our teams' challenge is to start an MGF and a Rover 200 and drive for as long as possible before the head gasket dissolves.

 

10.00 Ten Years Younger in which a dilapidated crock is humiliated about its appearance, then set about with polishing mops and new seat covers. (contains annoying bint presenter)

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7:15 Saturday: Points & Condenser of View. Including an interview with head of programming who explains that the showings of On The Buses are not special cuts with the humour removed, they're all like that.

 

Charming! :roll:

 

I was enjoying this topic and all. Still slating OTB never goes out of fashion, why should it be any different here?

 

It's no 'Omni-Busses' -

 

I think politically incorrect comedy is the same as 'insultingly unfunny'.

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7:30 On The Pluses To balance out all the unfair mockery of On The Buses, this clip show revisits all of the show's hilarious moments.

 

7:32 Downton Abbey Period drama set in Hugh Bonneville's 1960s Mini tuning company

 

8:00 Ever Increasing Circles Hard hitting documentary exploring the ever increasing wheel size on modern cars. Contains scenes of extreme violence and of a sexual nature.

 

9:00 Garage US Import. Starring Hugh Laurie as Dr. Garage, whose team must diagnose a mysterious water leak from an air-cooled Beetle.

 

10:00 Murder, She Drove Angela Lansbury investigates after a Lada Niva is found scrapped despite having eight months MOT.

 

11:00 Closedown. The national anthem followed by early 90s Ukrainian VHS-C pornography.

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