1987 Lotus Excel SE

[Mally]

Just to say I am now in contact by pm and will do my best.

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

Snipes - I'm very sorry for your loss and I'm sorry that life got in the way at the end; that compromise (life on hold with Dad...........but your own home life with all it's pressures, continues) is a horrible dilemma.  I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

[Snipes]

1 hour ago, Oi_Oi_Savaloy said:

Snipes - I'm very sorry for your loss and I'm sorry that life got in the way at the end; that compromise (life on hold with Dad...........but your own home life with all it's pressures, continues) is a horrible dilemma.  I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

Thanks but it wasn't at all unexpected. I hope your wife can be made comfortable, I think that's all you can really do. 

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

I'm afraid to say that my wife died this morning at 7.15.  She was a warrior until the end.  I will update the thread when I can - the car has become quite important to me and the kids (for us to do some thing together)..........but for now I just wanted to give an update.  The love of my life.  It's all about the kids now.

[High Jetter]

15 minutes ago, Oi_Oi_Savaloy said:

I'm afraid to say that my wife died this morning at 7.15.  She was a warrior until the end.  I will update the thread when I can - the car has become quite important to me and the kids (for us to do some thing together)..........but for now I just wanted to give an update.  The love of my life.  It's all about the kids now.

Shit, sorry to hear that. Thought are with you.

[Dick Cheeseburger]

So sorry to hear this @Oi_Oi_Savaloy. Here for a chat if needed. Thoughts with you and your kids. 

[Wibble]

Terrible news, my condolences to you all and may she rest in peace.

[Noel Tidybeard]

🙁 there is nothing really i can add to what has been already said

[stuboy]

dude so sorry for your loss.

[FakeConcern]

I don't really know how a load of people you don't know in person thinking of you can help, but if it can we're doing our best, 

Hard to know what I can say to support you except at least she's out of pain now and I hope you and the kids can come to accept it and manage to move on.

Totally inadequate I know, but I had to say something and register my sympathy and support. 

[MAF260]

So sorry for your loss. May your wife rest in eternal peace.

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and comments and sentiments - hindsight is a wonderful thing and perhaps posting on here wasn't the mesmeric decision i thought it was at the time .................but I didn't know what to do with myself - in some weird way I thought I'd post on a forum (and it sort of made sense).  

Kids are in shock, I'm just trying to keep the wheels on the wagon, whilst desperately missing my wonderful wife and trying to make sense of the hell I went through trying to look after her in her final days.

I know it's weird - but this is a community and I enjoy reading about other people's cars - it takes me away from my own thoughts for a while.

[High Jetter]

If it helps you to post here, job done. Might help others too. Keep strong.

[grogee]

Thinking of you @Oi_Oi_Savaloy, must be so hard for you with the kids as well. Deepest condolences. 

[Westbay]

Condolences ...

[motorpunk]

One of my favourite threads just took a sad detour. So sorry to read this.

It’s good to have something to work with, keep the mind active, I guess. Good luck with the car and thanks for the updates.

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

I actually did some work on the Lotus last night, with our son (18) and one of our daughters (14) and a friend of ours (professional mechanic too thank goodness).  Whilst life at home is surreal, there's only so much sitting around thinking about her anyone can do before it becomes a bit toxic.  We've got to do stuff, so we can still think positively about her in between imo. 

The kids don't want to stray too far from home so I suggested we wander out to the shed and work on something (we've got the tractor, a punchy ride-on mower - toro 523dxi with a really good diesel engine that needs a service - and 20 allen scythes and a really old French thing at the back too that always need work or can be worked on without fear of breaking them) - I just suggested we go out and get busy with something/anything and they all chose the Lotus.........so that's what we did.  

they sat in it  and listened to the Alpine I've installed (with a 10" sub - all old skool age-pertinent stuff ) and we chatted about what was next.  I told them I want to take them in the Lotus to see the site of the Battle of Waterloo next year (to which they said 'did the romans fight in that too dad', as pretty much everywhere i go I'll either relate it to the Romans or bore them rigid with how Britain became britain or how a particular village saw civil war action or in fact...........there's always some history of a place or town that I'll dredge up from my memory..............!) It's a running family joke.............But we can learn alot by past actions and the past, with all of it's issues between peaceable countries now, that weren't so peaceable then.............is never far from the surface...........We'll go to Waterloo and possibly Reims too (old F1 circuit)  and perhaps stray to Spa and other places on a roundabout route to Courchevel where a v close cousin lives.  My plan is to stretch the kid's horizons next year.  With my wife being ill for 5 years, everything was centred around chemo and that meant we couldn't stray.  

There was a moment in the car where they realised we could all fit now (there's only four of us now and it's a 2+2) - quite poignant - wife was never a car lover particularly so it was always assumed that it would be only 2 or 3 of us going in it anywhere.  

 

They also gently pointed out that the interior needs alot of work.  I wasn't particularly fussed about that............but they're right.  I'm going to buy some new/different seats I think and I've got to get the dash sorted.  Looks awful right now and it will not do.

But first - plan is to get the radiator hooked up properly, fill it with coolant, run the engine and then drive it out of the garage.  That's to be done this weekend.  With kid's involved.  And that, for me, can only be a good thing.

God I miss her.

[fatharris]

So sorry for your loss mate, hope the Lotus proves a worthwhile distraction for a few fleeting moments.

[motorpunk]

Any pics of the interior? Any other bits you need? I write for Absolute Lotus plus I know a few Lotus-friendly places who can help if needed. 

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

Motor punk - I'll take some tomorrow - it's the dash that's the major issue.  passenger side has torn, shrunk and is thoroughly fubarred.  I also have a problem with the fan but I gather a subaru justy one will fit (and is significantly cheaper than the Lotus one).  I've partially dismantled the centre (and I've taken most the wood trim out and that's in the house safe.

Thank you for the offer of help - it's very much appreciated.  So to are everyone's kind thoughts posted.  Thank you from me and the kids.

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

Sorry - totally ran out of steam today (tonight) - will get pictures but might take me to the weekend to do so.

[Wibble]

3 minutes ago, Oi_Oi_Savaloy said:

Sorry - totally ran out of steam today (tonight) - will get pictures but might take me to the weekend to do so.

Don’t apologise for not updating us. Just do what you need to do and come to us for moral support when you need it. Thinking of you all.

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

As you can see - the dashboard.............isn't amazing.  I've got the glovebox door safely tucked away (not lost).

 

[Wibble]

3 hours ago, Oi_Oi_Savaloy said:

As you can see - the dashboard.............isn't amazing.  I've got the glovebox door safely tucked away (not lost).

 

That does look tricky, maybe peel off and start again? 

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

With life sort of back to (a new) normal there has been a lull in proceedings.  Funeral isn't for another 10 or so days, some of the children decided to try school, son has gone back to work for a couple of days.  There's a dull, leaden, ache, however in all of us.  The sense of loss is palpable.  It's like she's riding my shoulder all the time (in a good way, not oppressive).  Just nudging me with memories and making her loss all the keener.  The kids are desperately missing her.  By it's very nature I cannot replicate the symbiotic relationship (I didn't give birth to them or carry for 9 months) that my wife had with the children.  As it happens she was v close with all of them (I know that sometimes, that isn't the case).  Unfortunately that's made things harder.  In their own way they are all deeply hurting.  And there's v little I can do about it.  I'm close to them too (I'm v lucky) - as close as a relationship with each of them that I could hope for.  But even so..........even if I met another woman whom was the greatest woman on earth...........it's not their mum.  (not that I'm looking or any of that but you get my point).

This afternoon I found myself at a lull.  I'm totally devoid of energy or go at the moment.  Not sleeping, massive inertia, deeply fatigued  that sleep just doesn't even touch the sides on and just extremely hurt to my core.  On the outside I function, smile from time to time, interact with others, even watch tv sometimes for 5 mins................but I'm away with the fairies inside - there's a surrealness to my thoughts and situation that I just can't get my head around.  I just can't believe she's gone.  And here I am, choosing fucking coffins.  I'm just beyond words.  What I'd do to swop places with her so she could have more time on this planet with the kids.  Just so unfair. 

My mechanic friend snapped me out of a paralysis (I was literally unable to move in the kitchen - I was supposed to be making toast for the youngest..........but it quietly sat in the toaster burning whilst I was thinking).  Anyway mechanic friend turns up, sorts the toast out, and then says - let's do 30 mins on the Lotus.  Let's get you out of the house.  So that's what we did.

We got the coolant hoses buttoned up, the belts for the power steering and alternator on and tensioned correctly and then we thought we'd try and start her.  But only one of the pairs of carbs is filling with fuel.  So she'll start but run rough obviously.  We stopped at that point and I'll take the inner pair of (nearest the bulkhead) and check it..........again.........for the the third time.  Perhaps it's the floats incorrectly set?  

 

 

[High Jetter]

I bet that took your mind off things for a bit. Keep on keeping on, for yourself and the kids. Sorry to hear about the long wait for the funeral though.

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

It's just over a week since we had the funeral for my wife and tbh it's been a bit of a blur til now and frankly, it's all  bit surreal in a horrible torment of daily life.  For a couple of days afterwards the house was busy with family/guests until the last of them left (by then we were all ready to just wanting some time and space to ourselves).  Life continues.  The daily grind of washing and cooking and existing, interspersed with 'necessary death admin' (only way I can describe it) continues.

Telling the myriad companies that she's gone and can you put my name at the top now, is time consuming and not pleasant.  Some of it has been excruciating actually - some people are just horrible and the level of paperwork is off the scale for some companies...........others take your word for it and change things with care and understanding.  Funny old world.

I've found it to be hard going.  I seem to be away with the fairies at the moment and I'm just finding  some things v hard to get going  on(walking through treacle mentally).  Some companies are making it very hard to deal with - one company, despite having my passport, her passport (cut up by the registrar.........because she's dead of course), original marriage certificate, original death certificate and original Will -  all sent with a deep reluctance because the Post, I feel, cannot be trusted any more depsite me paying a ridiculous amount to send it all to them...................still wont accept that I am who I say I am or that my wife changed her name or that she's dead.  We were married 23 yrs for goodness sake.  Perhaps they want a body, a la Ferris Bueller.  Either way I'm getting a solicitor involved on that one - my patience for that sort of shit has runneth dry.  

In the week prior to the funeral, our middle daughter had said she'd written a eulogy. She's 16 and in certain situations lacks confidence.  On the day, she stood up and delivered it to the quiet admiration of everyone there and it's something that she can draw on now - that will hopefully give her some in times of reminding.

It's only really hit all of them now tbh.  It's all just got a bit too much.  I'm just in a daze; trying to keep her parents (they live in the same village) going (they are understandably bereft), keep the kids going, wash, cook, keep my job going (they've been brilliant but decisions still have to be made that I'm needed for) and now we've got the next two hurdles to get over  - her birthday is in mid-december and then it's our first xmas without her.  The kids have alot to cope with. 

Looking back over the last 4 years, but in particular the 14 months since her second diagnosis and then the brutal run-in to her passing, I feel like I had to learn alot of things the hard way or learn thing unnecessarily, if only the info was out there to read.  All the info I was given by Macmillan cancer or marie curie or other charities (about caring for a loved-one with a terminal diagnosis at home) is about 'taking time for yourself'.................well I'm not being funny but when it's 3 in the morning, with your wife in your marital bed, sedated but clearly in distress and you've got the duty doctor on the phone asking you what drugs she's had, when and how much and how much she's eaten or drank............there's no way you can 'take time for yourself' especially when you know that in 4 hours time you've got to get the kids ready for school or college and keep their lives in some semblance of normality.

You can do that for one day and cope.............but do it for 12 days straight and things become .........well hallucinatory tbh.  How you record what you've given your loved-one, how you measure things when you've got 30 seconds to do so (because you can hear her upstairs and time is of the absolute essence)........all that is easy when it's 3pm and you've got people with you...........but when you're on your own at 3am it's rather different.

If I can help others not go through that stress and anxiety and if that means that you are able to spend or have 5 mins more with your loved-one...........then my job is done.  

Anyway;  the long and short of it is that I wrote a two-page synopsis of an idea for a book on the Tuesday night/early hours of Weds after her funeral (I don't sleep much anymore).  Whatever the response I was going to get I had to get it out of my head anyway.  The publishers could tell me to get lost..........but just the act of writing that synopsis helped.

Anyway - sent it off to a 'grief' publisher (I googled 'top 20' grief books in google and totted up the publisher with the most books in the list) and sent my synopsis to the generic email.  

That was Weds - had the family back here that day so forgot about it and then thursday things had calmed down a tad by lunchtime.  I got a call from the publishers that afternoon- they're interested and want to see a manuscript.  So I've been writing that these last 10 or so days late late at night once everything that needs sorting during the day has been done.  It still might come to nothing..........or it might be better on youtube or something............but I'm writing it anyway.............got to get it out of my head as I say.  Quite cathartic.  Makes me angry though - I went back and double-checked the literature I'd been given.........there's nothing in there.  

The book is about a range of things (but just off  the top of my head - planning once you know it's a terminal diagnosis, hospital and how to advocate for your loved one in order to make sure they are getting the drugs prescribed at the right time, planning things at home, ideas and tips for the care of your loved-one at home, recording and adminstering drugs, things and situations that might trigger the children once your loved-one has died in order to avoid 'the last straw' situation unnecessarily) - that's just the tip of the iceberg tbh.  There's loads more but gives you a flavour.  How to prepare and avoid anxiety, particularly in the children is a big thing for me - there has been stuff that's happened, that I had no idea would be such a massive trigger............that if it was even mentioned once, anywhere, I'd have been forearmed and forewarned and would have done things differently. 

But it isn't so I'm writing it.  That's what the book is about.  Of course..........if there's a hospice facility (there isn't any facility in Pembrokeshire at all) then that'll bring  different experience of course........but it's an area of life that isn't talked about..........that is totally alien to alot of people whom aren't medical professionals, that I feel needs talking about.  People need advice on.

And I still haven't 'taken time for myself'.  How can you if you have others totally reliant on you?  It's only now, that I've finally been able to sit the kids down and say that I'm going back to playing squash and what that means for those evenings (it'll take some organising but it's easily doable - it's not that it hasn't been possible before.........just that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to play either really). 

On the Lotus I'm sending the carbs off to be refurbed, I'm going to tackle the door (frame needs replacing) and some other minor jobs with a friends and then I'm going to trailer the car to a Trimmer and get them to sort the interior out.............if I don't do that I've realised I'll never finish her. 

Menu planning (I've realised that it's not just all down to me now, but that I've also got to cook in exactly the same way as my, professionally trained, wife in order to keep everything as normal as possible) alone is v time consuming never mind the rest of life now.  

I want the car finished.  Only way to do that is to get someone else to do it.  

Onwards...............mentally limpingly.......

 

 

 

[N Dentressangle]

Sometimes life has to move a day at a time. Or maybe just an hour.

I've never been though what you're going through, but it sounds like you're doing a fine job of caring for your family and yourself and no-one could ask for more. Your wife would be proud of you.

No platitudes worth offering. Keep going ❤️‍🩹

[motorpunk]

That’s a tough read, but it’s good to share, family and car stuff. What’s the plan with the car, anyway? Get it roadworthy and running, or just keep the work ticking over, ready for the future? What parts do you need?

[Westbay]

Difficult read ...