Autoshite entrance exam?

[Cavcraft]

Just a thought but a lot of forums now require you to answer a simple question to prove you're not a Spambot Viagra salesman/moron.

I reckon Autoshite should go one step further and have a whole entrance exam to vet potential newcomers.

Here's my proposal:

 

1) You have two grand burning a hole in your arse pocket to get a sensible modern car to ferry the kids about in and for your missus to go to work in. She wants something with airbags in a nice colour. What do you get?

 

A) Ford Focus 1.6 five door with low mileage and a warranty.

B ) A beige 1974 Toyota estate with half of it's exhaust missing, lowered as far as it'll go and on slot mags with a mixture of bald radials and crossplies. And poorly aerosoled paintwork.

------------

2) Do you know what a vowel is and do all the letters on your keyboard work?

 

A) wtf u on abowt M8 wot knd ov ppl us diz forum r u fick or wot?

B ) Yes on both counts.

-----------------

 

3) What is (the) M8?

 

A) Mi frend

B ) A motorway in Scotland.

---------------------------

4) What do you think of this car and how would you change it?

 

A) Itz wikkid bro, but neds big boar exhorst.

B ) I want to find the owner, modify his spotty face with a sledghammer, put him inside the monstrosity and push it over a cliff.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

5) What are your views on the scrappage scheme?

 

A) I have mint 11,000 miles from new Lotus Sunbeam and getting two grand off a Perodua Skippy 0.01 XL two door sallon makes good sense to me.

B ) It's a load of bollocks and I can't believe people do it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

6) To your great surprise your missus didn't like the beige 1974 Toyota estate and says it's her or the car. What do you do?

 

A) Sell it immediately, declare your undying love for shite Swedish furniture, mundane new cars and a life of being lectured at.

 

B ) Tell her it was nice knowing her and you hope she's happy in her new life, unless she puts up with your quirky habits.

---------------------------------------------------------

 

7) To your even greater surprise that didn't go down to to well. You're now living in a 1970's Sprite Alpine caravan in your mate's back garden. What do you do now?

 

A) Go and win her back with love and romance. Phone cheesy radio stations and bombard them with requests to tell her you're sorry and will change her ways.

 

B ) Wait til she goes out then go, park three Mk2 Cavaliers on the drive and strip them slowly over a period of seven years, being careful to oil the expensive shrubs YOU bloody well paid for when she caught you in a weak moment one weekend.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

8 ) You are offered (and then buy) a completely standard Ford Sierra 2.0GLi that was owned by the ex's father-in-law on the proviso you look after it. What do you do?

 

A) Leave it standard and polish it every single weekend whilst twatting on about the virtues of modern cars and how rubbish the Sierra is and you're only keeping it because the ex will give you hell.

 

B ) Lower it, chuck the standard seats away and fit Corbeaus, K+N filter, wide steels and subtle big bore system and then spend all night driving it past your ex-father-in-law's house revving the bollocks off it and play Linkin Park CDs full blast.

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

9) What is you idea of a good evenings entertainment?

 

A) Driving past Maccy D's all night in your mum's Micra smoking like a laboratory beage with your arm out of the window showing your thermal tattoo and shouting comments at spotty birds, or having a nice conversation with the missus about the merits of Swedish furniture.

 

B ) Logging on to the net, talking shite and lusting over appalling cars and laughing at Sherpa Sport owners.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

10) You need to raise some money to have your car fixed, what do you do?

 

A) Place adverts for on-line Viagra, Reebok trainers and 97" televisions at stupidly low prices.

B ) Go to your garage, dig out your priceless lifetime collection of wheeltrims, Hillman Hunter Weekly magazines and Harry Moss speakers before making a 'Massive clearout' thread and just giving it all away anyway because you want to see that fella with the 1979 Solara just so you can perv over his car.

-------------------------------------------

 

Now, if anyone answers 'A' to any of the questions they are automatically declined entry and are never allowed to try again.

 

Anything else that should be asked?

[warren t claim]

LOLZZZZZ!!!!!! GENIUS!

[strangehighways]

Would you rather have...a) A top of the range brand new Vauxhall Astra with electric everything and leather? A bottom of the range n/a diesel Vauxhall Belmont base model in beige.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------What makes you happier?a) Going for a ride in your mates Audi TT? Discussing the difference between Fiesta Popular and Popular Plus trim levels?-----------------------------------------------------------------------------When you pop your clogs, what car do you want as your hearse?a) New Mercedes E Class variation? Rover 800 conversion? (Pete M can replace this with something else like a Granada hearse)-----------------------------------------------------------------------------What makes you more excited?a) Spotting a Lambo Murcialago/911/F430? Spotting a Kia Clarus/Samba/Visa D?-----------------------------------------------------------------------------You are leaving the airport and will take a taxi home......Do you choosea) Mercedes S320CDI in gleaming blackb) a tired Toyota Carina E?

[Father Ted]

What colour car would you rather havea) Anything except Beigeb) Beige - with matching brown dash and trim.

[Albert Ross]

Scarily, I bought a 1.6 Focus 5 door. BUT, I do have shite, honest mate........... Hirst saw me in it the other day, honest....

[FredTransit]

You break down. Do youA call the RAC/AAB rummage about for gaffer tape and cable ties, lash the thing back together and drive home

[Alexg]

Apon entering an underground car park you spy a space next to a brand new top of the line BMW X6 with all the trimmings. do you...A- carefully park next to it and have a quick peak, maybe grab a snap on your I-phone?B- swing open the duck-taped door of your Horizon on it in a hurry because you thought you saw a maestro vanden plas on another level?

[sporty-shite]

Whilst on holiday, you spot a deserted scrapyard in the middle of a field. Do you:A) Tut about how such an eyesore hasn't been cleared awayB) Take your rental car through said field, and leave your missus sitting in it whilst you go off and photograph the contents of said yard.

[Split_Pin]

Ha ha this thread is genius!!

 

What is this:

 

 

A) A lovely kitchen sink

Combined workbench and parts-cleaning tank

[Cavcraft]

Apon entering an underground car park you spy a space next to a brand new top of the line BMW X6 with all the trimmings. do you...A- carefully park next to it and have a quick peak, maybe grab a snap on your I-phone?B- swing open the duck-taped door of your Horizon on it in a hurry because you thought you saw a maestro vanden plas on another level?

[M'coli]

Apon entering an underground car park you spy a space next to a brand new top of the line BMW X6 with all the trimmings. do you...A- carefully park next to it and have a quick peak, maybe grab a snap on your I-phone?B- swing open the duck-taped door of your Horizon on it in a hurry because you thought you saw a maestro vanden plas on another level?

C- park away from the BMW so as not to have the owner dent your car while opening the door of Medusa's bastard child?

[Alexg]

Why would you be on first name terms with the man at Halfords?A - Because every other day you are in there purchasing yet more Ripspeed accessories in an attempt to bling your SaxoB - Because every two weeks you are in there buying yet another 5 litres of oil and have single handed increased their sales of radweld by 55%

[saabhappy]

Ooooh....errrrrr....ummmmm.....Don't know.

[Guest]

Is this

 

A) Breakfast

Radweld in an emergency

[Justin Case]

You go round to the nearside to open the door for your wife/girlfriend because:A: you are a perfect gentleman.B: the door doesn't open from the inside.

[Alexg]

It's the middle of summer and a scorching hot day. You and your girlfriend are stuck in traffic, do you?A- turn on the climate controlled airconditioning. Then enjoy the fridge cold atmosphere and relief it provides from the baking hot sun?B- turn the heater on full blast to stop the bastard overheating?

[Guest]

In your ownership has the fuel gauge on your car ever read higher than the temprature gauge.A)NoB) Yes

[Justin Case]

In your ownership has the fuel gauge on your car ever read higher than the temprature gauge.A)NoB) Yes

C) Don't know because neither of them work

[Alexg]

In your ownership has the fuel gauge on your car ever read higher than the temprature gauge.A)NoB) Yes

C) Don't know because neither of them work

[MrRegieRitmo]

8 ) You are offered (and then buy) a completely standard Ford Sierra 2.0GLi that was owned by the ex's father-in-law on the proviso you look after it. What do you do? A) Leave it standard and polish it every single weekend whilst twatting on about the virtues of modern cars and how rubbish the Sierra is and you're only keeping it because the ex will give you hell.B ) Lower it, chuck the standard seats away and fit Corbeaus, K+N filter, wide steels and subtle big bore system and then spend all night driving it past your ex-father-in-law's house revving the bollocks off it and play Linkin Park CDs full blast.-------------------------------------------------------------

Hmmm....I'm not sure either of these are in the spirit of Autoshite, maybe Retro Rides, but most of us on here would be quite happy with a standard Sierra! So I'd have to pass on this question or choose 'other'

[504GL]

It's the middle of summer and a scorching hot day. You and your girlfriend are stuck in traffic, do you?A- turn on the climate controlled airconditioning. Then enjoy the fridge cold atmosphere and relief it provides from the baking hot sun?B- turn the heater on full blast to stop the bastard overheating?

Here's my versionIt's the depths of winter and a flipping cold winters morning. You and your wife have just got in the car and are driving along, do you?A- turn on the airconditioning to stop the windows misting up and leave the heater off so that the car can get up to temperature as quickly as possible thereby minimising the wear on the engine?orB- Idle the car for half an hour to get it up to temp and then turn the heater on full blast and to hell with a bit of extra wear on the engine?

[UglyAmerican]

Ha ha this thread is genius!!

 

What is this:

 

 

A) A lovely kitchen sink

Combined workbench and parts-cleaning tank

Oh dear, I saw neither I was looking at the bottle of wine.

Wine comes in bottles now?? And what are those clear things next to it? Usually we just pass the box around.

[boobydoo]

B ) Go to your garage, dig out your priceless lifetime collection of wheeltrims, Hillman Hunter Weekly magazines and Harry Moss speakers before making a 'Massive clearout' thread and just giving it all away anyway because you want to see that fella with the 1979 Solara just so you can perv over his car.

-------------------------------------------

 

Errrr...the Solara was launched in April 1980 so i would certainly get rather moist over a 1979 model...a prototype perhaps??

 

Signed:

 

Talbot Anorak esq.

[Guest]

1. Calling an MGB a 'Sherpa Coupe' is a:

 

A: Unflattering slur against one of Britain's best loved classics,

 

B: Fitting,

 

C: An unsubtle way of pissing Saabhappy off.

 

 

2. Is an Isuzu Piazza :

 

A: A weird POS from the Eighties that should be savoured,

 

B: A GR8 PL8CE 4 GETTIN A LSD 4 A CHEVETTE UP BLUD.

 

 

3. Pinto engines are the worst fucking engines of all time. True or false? (10 marks)

 

A: True

[Alexg]

B ) Go to your garage, dig out your priceless lifetime collection of wheeltrims, Hillman Hunter Weekly magazines and Harry Moss speakers before making a 'Massive clearout' thread and just giving it all away anyway because you want to see that fella with the 1979 Solara just so you can perv over his car.-------------------------------------------the Solara was launched in April 1980 so i would certainly get rather moist over a 1979 model...a prototype perhaps??.

Is the correct answer, you're in

[Cavcraft]

Question 211:What is a pedant?A) A cycling insect.B ) Someone on the internet who corrects someone else who gets the first year of Talbot Solara manafacture wrong :lol:

[504GL]

Question 211:What is a pedant?A) A cycling insect.B ) Someone on the internet who corrects someone else who gets the first year of Talbot Solara manafacture wrong :lol:

C) an ant which that molests OUR kids!!!!

[Milford Cubicle]

Is this[broken egg pic]A) BreakfastB) Radweld in an emergency

Did eggs in radiators ever work? I remember my dad telling me about his incontinent Allegro, he had to stop at almost every water source to top it up, and it didn't work on that.

[Guest]

Did eggs in radiators ever work?

On smaller leaks yes it does.

[Guest]

Is your 1985 Talbot Express Camper 25 years tax exempt

A) Yes

2) No

 

Is this an acceptable single photo to use on Ebay*

 

A) Yes

No

 

* Other auction sites are available