B.D.S. Your Delivery Is Our Concern

[Bucketeer]

I've been back in the UK for about a week and Bucketeer Delivery Services has already had a couple of requests flooding in. I've collected and delivered various cars for various forum members in the past, and am happy to do so in the future. As such, I'll update and keep all the adventures of our plucky/masochistic BDS operative here in the one thread. It's easier and neater than dotting reports about all over the shop and I'm loathe to keep starting new threads. I mean, think of all the paperwork and wasted resources. Someone needs to consider the defloweration of the world's paper plants.

Hopefully this thread will provide some occasional Marlboro Ultra Light levels of mild entertainment for some and maybe even a moment of escape for those unfortunate enough not to spend large chunks of a day on the most mega of buses, their unnecessary 6'5" frame scrunched up in the Lilliputian seat, wishing other people didn't smell so bad. Or cough so much. Or breathe.

Our lawyers have asked us to point out that BDS is a non-profit organisation, just looking to recoup expenses (we do however accept bribes, kickbacks, coffee, cake, brandy, and occasionally payment in kind). I do this purely to help forum members and to have a nice day out, riding on choo choo buses and brum brum trains and hopefully seeing some new places along the way. And lots and lots and lots of the M6 (surely every young boy's dream is to live the life of an M6 commuter, jacket on the peg in the back window, scowl on face, the glorious colours, sounds and smells of roadworks as far as the eye can see).

 

Tonight I shall be setting off from my palace on the beginning of a three or four day collectioneering and deliverising mission, the first part of which is actually a collection for myself. As I was just recently named near the top of the Times Skint List 2019 this car is just a loaner not a purchase, but it's still a pant-wetting racecar of much gusto. After this I'll be covering most of England and parts of Scotland for the next few days, delivering cars left right and centre with the calm steady hand and cold emotionless eyes of a pro.

I'll be leaving at exactly 9 or 10 pm-ish on the dot tonight and my first leg of many will be (according to Google maps) a three and three quarter hour walk to rendezvous with a Meglobus.

Finally, soz for pissing on anyone's balloon but there will be no poo counts on my journeys. That's the venerable Jim Bell's thing and I like to plough my own furrow. Also I don't poo, I just expel pellets as I walk like a rabbit or sheep or poorly horse or whatever.

[Saabnut]

Always accommodation in my neck(s) of the wood(s). You know where they are!

[NorthernMonkey]

Excellent!!

Welcome back, Alex...satsuma has missed you. He used to ask about you daily.

For a while, anyway.

[Jim Bell]

Glad to see your back and on fine form chef. Enjoy the roads. We will all be enjoying the tales. Probably.

[hairnet]

3.3/4 hour??

 

5-6 miles?

 

get the bus ffs

[The Moog]

Sounds many excitings... And I have been playing with a stupid rover all day

[clayts450]

Glad you're back - place has been quiet without you.

 

Is it Billy's Puma ?

[Bucketeer]

3.3/4 hour??

 

5-6 miles?

 

get the bus ffs

12 miles, and there is no bus.

 

 

In other news, I've just been packing my satchel with sandwiches and P.E. kit and whatnot ready for the off and have discovered that the BDS Purchasing Department have fail to buy in the necessary travel brandy. It looks like I'll be megabussing sober tonight. Pray for me.

[The Moog]

No emergency stash on your person?

 

 

Otherwise

[Stanky]

Best of luck with the current collection, BDS is not only highly efficient at delivery, but exceptionally good at handling fragile and potentially flammable goods too. Only days ago, contraband was delivered to me at my actual place of work, at hours to suit me and hand delivered with a smile. 113.7/6

[Bucketeer]

^^^^ I could really do with some of that rum right now. Brandy > Rum > nothing.

 

Anyway, I've locked up the house and I'm ready for the off.

 

 

It's just started raining too, to add insult to brandyless injury.

[Bucketeer]

It's dark at night. Don't let anyone tell you any different.

 

[Lacquer Peel]

I support this BDS and the other one.

[The Moog]

What you need is some headlights.... And a car to go with it...

[NorthernMonkey]

What you need is some headlights.... And a car to go with it...

And a cherry bomb.

 

DON'T forget the cherry bomb.

[Bucketeer]

Let me tell you, you're never short of excitement walking along a busy unlit trunk road. With no pavements. At night. In the rain. Wearing dark clothing.

[anonymous user]

As I have only just got back in from a former colleague's retirement do, my eyesight is suffering from insobriety and it took me a while to work out that you are not walking down the road in your unlit trunks.

[Bucketeer]

As is often the case when I'm alone with my thoughts, I have an annoying song going round in my head on a permanent loop.

So, to the tune of The Wheels on the Bus, altogether now . . .

The feet on my legs go squelch squelch squelch

Squelch squelch squelch

Squelch squelch squelch

The feet on my legs go squelch squelch squelch

All night long.

[Flat4]

I am rather glad to read this given that all the cheap cars appear to be down south, and half a dozen dogs make collecting such things rather more complicated!

 

Take care on tonight's mission

[wuvvum]

Might be missing summat here, but would it not be quicker to cycle to the megabus?

[Bucketeer]

No you're absolutely right Dave but I don't have a bike lock that unlocks, I like walking (mostly), and I'm an idiot.

[Bucketeer]

Anyway, I've reached pavement and lights as I edge ever closer to the welcoming bosom of Milton Keynes, so I can relax a bit, switch on the autopilot and read my guide book.

 

[Bucketeer]

[Bucketeer]

[Bucketeer]

From the guide book -

 

'Milton Keynes is a bustling medieval market town in the north east of the south of England which was built on the site of a palaeolithic settlement called Milt, situated on the banks of the River Keynes.

In the 1970s two enormous boats carrying cement in opposite directions along the River Keynes collided, spilling their cargos. This soon set solid and created the beginnings of the much admired Milt on Keynes road network.

In the late 1980s pedestrianism was banned and to this day is punishable by punishment.

The local people are affectionately known as Milton Keynesers and are distinguishable by their twin ears, one either side of their head, and their single top lip. They can often be seen in the traditional dress of the region which comprises a stovepipe hat, dungarees and dainty little ballet shoes.

There are many places of interest to visit in Milton Keynes including a beautiful moat surrounded by a castle, a working lighthouse, a row of shops as long as your arm, and all the roads leading out of Milton Keynes. Also, let's not forget the most popular visitor attraction of 2018, the house of the niece of thingy off of Watchdog. You know, the one with the hair and the eyes. Married to a gymnast or an accountant or something. Talks with that voice. Oh wait, maybe it wasn't Watchdog. It might have been Bargain Hunt. Or was it World of Sport. Anyway, you'll recognise her when you see her niece's house.

 

Milton Keynes, it's my kind of town.'

[Landy Mann]

Good Job you're not trying to cycle... The red ways normally just vanish at bus stops on grid roads. Although those photos are practically art.

[Bucketeer]

The joys of £8 bus travel. We just spent the last hour and a half sat on the bus in Leeds bus station with no explanation as to why and have now been moved onto another bus (with even smaller seats) for the last part of this part of the journey to Manchester. Running about two hours late in total at the moment.

[Split_Pin]

Grand to see you back on form Alex, look forward to a rolling collection caper.

[Bucketeer]

I eventually got to Manchester earlier this morning where, apparently for the first time this year, it was raining.

 

 

 

I then saw some chrains.

 

 

And some chrams.

 

 

And then I got on my very own chrain. Literally. The nice conductor man said I was the only person on any of the four carriages.

 

 

I debanked from that train not long ago and am taking another walk to meet my new loan car.

[Bucketeer]

Tick tick tick tick BOOM!