Shitting in the shallow end. *Arse friends electric*

[Jim Bell]

Me creeping back from the toilet on the train trying to look inconspicuous because I made an awful monstrosity and the flush wouldn't work so I just piled all the toilet roll on top of it and left a short note of apologies for the next user. 

 

[Jim Bell]

At the far end I was collected from the station by a top shitter in a fine conveyance. It's a car in an actual colour, that rattled like the clappers the way only a daft auld diesel can. 

9 out of 10 stars. Driver was punctual and polite. Would use again. 

 

Scotland be like that way sometime. 

[Jim Bell]

Me thinking about my new car. 

 

 

 

Me seeing it for the first time. 

 

 

 

 

[Jim Bell]

It's the colour of bile. 

It is small. 

It is not a Dacia, Kwashkwai or Juke. It's much worse than any of these things. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jim Bell]

[Jim Bell]

Had a nice catch up with the Juulars and Laquerpeel then decided to hit the road. 

@MrsJuular mentioned that she thought one of the tyres looked a bit soft so I safety checked the front two by kicking them before I got in. I didn't waste time by checking the back two. They don't even steer. Would have wasted precious seconds. 

FORESHADOWING

 

me doing Geordie yoga to try and get my bones and muscles onside before I fold my self into this tiny car. 

 

 

 

Then I checked absolutely nothing else and hit the road. 

[Jim Bell]

It's an 80k 1.2 eco and is as base as they come. The only concession to modernity seems to be electric front windows. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I pointed it south and set the right foot council estate cruise control to a reasonable velocity. 

 

The car seemed to move around a bit but it was quite windy so I ignored that. 

[Jim Bell]

I stopped for a piss near the border and happened to walk past the back of the car. ......

 

 

Ok well that's flat. Like really flat. 

I upgrade my piss to a level three panic shit then came back out to see if it was still flat. It was. 

[Jim Bell]

I had no compressor and better yet, an inspection of the interior revealed that there was no 12v outlet. It's so base that it doesn't have one. WELL GR8. 

 

 

Me creeping around asking strangers if they have a compressor, and if they could park their car REALLY CLOSE to mine so that they could plug it into their own car so that I could pump my tyre up. 

 

The first 20 or 30 people/families that I asked just looked at me like I planned to murder them using this complex ruse as a ridiculous introduction and scurried away to make their pisses. 

 

Eventually a kind man in a Golf agreed. 

 

 

 

The worst rear tyre was on 5psi and the other wasn't much better. I pumped them up to 33psi and headed for Berwick. 

[Jim Bell]

At Berwick, which was the next available fuel stop, I checked all the tyres. Rears were down to 20psi ish. So they're leaking. 

Right. 

Pez shot.

I'm sure it'll be grand if I stop a couple more times on the way home. I'd made it 80 miles and it was about the same to go. A couple of stops and gas ups should be fine. 

[Jim Bell]

Drivers seat analogue Tyre monitoring sytem activated. 

 

Hold on you 13inch clownarse. 

[Jim Bell]

Two more stops to top up and made it home grand.

 

 

Well done little panda. 

[chaseracer]

29 minutes ago, Jim Bell said:

It's the colour of bile. 

It is small. 

It is not a Dacia, Kwashkwai or Juke. It's much worse than any of these things. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever it is, it's a very long way from Shrewsbury.  TOP BOMBIN', WOR JIM.

[Datsuncog]

That looks vindictively miserable.

Well done!

(On both the purchase, and nursing it back home with GREAT SUCCESS)

12V sockets are for poseurs anyway.

👍👍👍👍

[N Dentressangle]

The colour mings, it's got nothing pleasant inside and the tyres are shagged.

Mission accomplished, I'd say.

And yeah. Why d'you need a 12v sockit when you've got a battree FFS

[Eyersey1234]

12 minutes ago, Jim Bell said:

Two more stops to top up and made it home grand.

 

 

Well done little panda. 

Chodtastic 

[fatharris]

Jim Bell collection threads are my favourite collection threads.

[Jim Bell]

Well the front two tyres were worn on the edges, which was an mot advisory and the rears weren't holding air so I decided to go completely off-script in Autoshite terms and signed up for FOUR  MATCHING BRAND NEW TYRES FROM A MAJOR HIGH STREET CHAIN. 

 

It was booked in at 17:00 on a Friday.

FORESHADDOWING.

I collected it, checked nothing and drove home. 

 

When I got most of the way home I thought I'd better stop and check the wheel nuts were actually tight. They were, but I noticed that there was no valves on the tyres. Well, there were valves, but they were trapped behind the wheel trims, which are the type that bold on with the wheel bolts. 

GR8. 

The wheel trims were not fitted correctly because they'd put a balance weight where the trim clip has to engage if you want the cut out for the valve to be where the valve is. 

But it was 1700 o clock on a Friday so theyd just rotated the trims 45 degrees, trapped the valves and rattlegunned the nuts to 19000 newton meters, hi fived each other and gone to the pub. 

Me:

 

 

 

Tyres are good though. 

[Stanky]

Sorted!

[Jim Bell]

I haven't got a rattle gun so I bust out my biggest breaker bar and did some early morning Saturday swearing. 

Looks better with the trims off anyway. 

 

 

 

[Jim Bell]

It was all kinds of filth inside so I had a good go at it today with wet cloths and a hoover. 

The boot was in a similar state of DIRT to the rest of the car. 

 

Before 

 

*Insert hoovering montage*

 

After

 

Better

 

Best. 

[Stanky]

Please provide urgent update on car mats situation!

Edit - TBF that boot liner is giving me a bit of a semi, so sculpt, many stain resists...

[Jim Bell]

It actually drives great.

It runs straight, brakes straight, rides really well, has no suspension conks, and is generally a fun enough and economic way to scoot about. Once cleaned, the interior is tidy and undamaged. It's a happy little thing and I'm really pleased with it. 

It needs a few jobs but once done I think it'll be a very good little car. 

 

 

 

Fiat Pa-cma-nda. 

[Jim Bell]

3 minutes ago, Stanky said:

Please provide urgent update on car mats situation!

Edit - TBF that boot liner is giving me a bit of a semi, so sculpt, many stain resists...

Mate. 

I ordered mats online before I set off and they're STILL in the post. 

It's got my shit itching having a car with 0% mats in. 

[jaypee]

excellent work as always sir! 

[yes oui si]

JB THRED UPDAYT

AMAZE

[Supernaut]

6 hours ago, Jim Bell said:

[Spiny Norman]

GR9 Write up. Would recommend to a friend. 🤓

 

[cort1977]

Top collection M9, wud read agayne.

Boring question, what is the insurance group on such a fine conveyance? My oldest is closing in on driving age and this looks like it would be both cheap to insure and a long range contraceptive.

[Lacquer Peel]

2 hours ago, cort1977 said:

Top collection M9, wud read agayne.

Boring question, what is the insurance group on such a fine conveyance? My oldest is closing in on driving age and this looks like it would be both cheap to insure and a long range contraceptive.

If you use Total Car Check and input the reg you can check the insurance group for almost any car, this Panda is 1E, the lowest rating. 

Was impressed with this jaundiced boxy lad on the test drive and drive on big roads to its secret short term storage location, nippy at low speeds, cushy suspension and lots of visibility. Happy at an indicated 90 but does feel flat at high speeds. I could be a Panda convert. 🐼👍