Shite car quirks and foibles. You must have some.

[Futuramic]

The other day my windscreen washer fluid ran out. Top it up, I hear you cry. Yes is the reply, you are right. My heart sank when the pump whined and no liquid came forth however. I shall explain. For some reason, peculiar only to my particular Volvo 740, the windscreen washers develop a massive airlock when the reservoir runs dry and I have to then dismantle most of the system and prime it to get the things working again. The procedure runs thus: open bonnet. Refill the reservoir. Disconnect the pump feed from the combined pressure cap and tee-piece (this is a small plastic thing the splits the water supply in two, to feed each jet and also regulates the pressure in the system by means of a spring loaded valve). Run the washers until water comes out of the main feed line. Disconnect the washer jet supply hoses from the tee-piece. Remove the tee-piece. Blow hard through each washer feed using the free ends of rubber tubing. Blow hard through the tee-piece inlet. Re-connect the tee-piece to the main feed and run the washers again until water sprays from both outlets. Re-attach the washer feeds to the tee-piece. Close bonnet. Try washers. They don't work. Repeat all of the above until they do. Strangely once all the lines are full of screenwash they work faultlessly until the tank is empty again.I can't be alone in my car having it's own mechanical peculiarity. What are yours?

[Guest]

Hey my Dads 850 Estate has a similar malarkey going on, think its something to do with the one-way valve being buggered/missing, or perhaps its the headlamp washers that are causing the grief.My XR2 never fires and idles on the first turn of the key, but always on the second, saying that the automatic choke is SHAGD but I'm too lazy to fix it.

[Spottedlaurel]

Err, my Bluebird has one blue interior door handle in an otherwise dark brown interior. I think that's it, sorry...

[FredTransit]

Sometimes when Beryl the luton won't start, you wiggle the gear lever and it does. The gear lever has no electrics, no connection to the wiring at all. Go figure.....

[dollywobbler]

Sometimes when Beryl the luton won't start, you wiggle the gear lever and it does. The gear lever has no electrics, no connection to the wiring at all. Go figure.....

Ah, must be a van thing. My old Citroen H van would do that too.

[Claypole]

The heater blower on my Polo TDi only works at the right speed when you put the car in reverse, when aimed to keep your feet warm...

[Albert Ross]

My Land Rover has exactly the same washer fault. I wonder if it has a Swedish pump on it? I had an Opel Kadett that would only start with the drivers door open. Once it was shut, it was a total pain in the arse. It took me about 6 weeks to notice it, and even then it was a mate who told me about it. Thick twat me! Never did sort it, and even sold it, explaining the foible to the new owner, a lady called Mary Rose.............not a battleship as it happens............I guess it was related to the interior light, and pulled power from the coil circuit, thus reducing resistance, when closed, it gave the coil full power. Go figure.

[FredTransit]

Sometimes when Beryl the luton won't start, you wiggle the gear lever and it does. The gear lever has no electrics, no connection to the wiring at all. Go figure.....

Ah, must be a van thing. My old Citroen H van would do that too.

No kidding, I thought it was a Ford/pinto thing cos I hear some cortinas do it too.

[dollywobbler]

Beauty of the H van was that if it didn't start, I could just whip out the handle and crank it over. Surprisingly easy for 1911cc!!Disappointingly, I don't think any of the current motors have any oddities - though the 2CV has enough built-in oddities to confuse most people!

[Negative Creep]

In the Datsun if you turn the ignition on when warm, the temperature needle will go up to over 3/4 yet will go right back down as soon as you start it. Normally sits dead centre but sometimes will sit just above until you turn the engine off and on again. Does that count?

[Guest]

The bootlid on the Stanza won't sit right, no matter what I do.

[pandamonium]

The Mazda has the ariel built into the windscreen, so when the wipers are on, you sometimes get static intermittently on classic FM. Also the gearstick sometimes creaks when the engine is cold Also something rattles in the dashboard if the choke is pushed fully home. - I tend to pull it out enough to get a credit cad* in the gap.*Read Tesco clubcard

[michiel]

My XR2 never fires and idles on the first turn of the key, but always on the second, saying that the automatic choke is SHAGD but I'm too lazy to fix it.

Starlet does that too, so that might be the problem? Meh.Turning off the left indicator with the stalk needs a careful hand or the headlights flash (main beam) or the left front speaker makes a scary noise - sometimes both. The fuel filler door only opens after several attempts, scaring me half the time (although the little door feels like you could just rip it open with one finger if needed).

[Rocket88]

I used to have an old Nash[aka Austin Metroploitan] kustom, with a fuel injected Pinto installed. Went through a spate of stalling / missing, but would run perfectly with the driver's door open, and me not sitting in the car....discovered that the ecu was in the drivers footwell, when I put my foot anywhere near the clutch, I disturbed the wiring connections to said ecu............................

[r.welfare]

405 saloon - heater fan squeaks on tight left-hand bends.405 estate - rear offside door sometimes will let you open it, other times it won't. Heater fan sometimes doesn't want to work at all - needs a well-aimed kick at the carpeted panel beneath the glovebox. And even if you've got the heater controls on "cold", sometimes it will blow hot air for a bit, for no reason.And both don't always let the starter engage first turn of the key. Not much to complain about though, really.

[Guest]

My XR2 never fires and idles on the first turn of the key, but always on the second, saying that the automatic choke is SHAGD but I'm too lazy to fix it.

Starlet does that too, so that might be the problem? Meh.

The real quirk is that I always start the car with clutch down, and once its fired I then keep the throttle pressed slightly to do what the jiggered autochoke should and keep it at a couple of thousand revs for a min or two, but soon as I lift the clutch (in neutral) it stalls. I wonder if theres various worn bearings in the driveline causing that?

[Father Ted]

Yamaha RXS bike - no matter what you do will not fire up on the starter button when cold, but give it a kick (with the kick start, not obviously just out of anger) and then hit the starter button and it will burst into life - otherwise its three kicks and plenty of choke untill you have gone from my gate to the end of school lane - then choke in or its running too rich and it stalls when you try to set off again. Not that it ever gets ridden these days - it needs selling really, but will have to make sure its hot first!Micra - fill up untill the second clunk on the petrol pump past £15 - otherwise petrol pisses out of the rust hole near the top of the filler pipe, fill up with petrol again when the gauge hits the 1/4 mark as just below that is empty.Micra - wipers - will go on full speed and not switch off in the rain, probably something electrical shorting out somewhere, can be annoying as when the rain slows to a spittle blades are still going "bdddurrrp" over glass.Micra - pulls violently to left if you remove your hand from the steering wheel - use knee to hold it if doing things with hands (eating big mac etc).Micra - Central locking works whether you want it to or not after about 4 minutes of the engine running - do not leave engine running and shut door without leaving a window open if you plan on being on the outside of the car.

[Guest]

Those Micra faults sound more like an MOT fail sheet than a list of foibles!

[Father Ted]

Nahh, its fine. Wipers are probably an easy fix, spray motor and connections with some chain wax, petrol tank pipe wants a bit of sikkaflex blobbing on it, tracking probably needs doing and central locking coluld be disabled by pulling the fuse. Simples.Like many things though I looked at the rust round the rear of the sills and thought, bollocks to it, run it till the test is up and buy another little jap car instead.

[Guest]

Micra - Central locking works whether you want it to or not after about 4 minutes of the engine running - do not leave engine running and shut door without leaving a window open if you plan on being on the outside of the car.

My Mondeo started doing this a few months before I sold it - but only caught me out once, I pulled in to photograph an old Sherpa pick-up, got out, left the car running, shut the door, doors promptly locked themselves... arrgh! at least I hadn't left my mobile on the passenger seat so was able to make a phone call to get the spare key rushed down, otherwise it would have been a case of decide which window to break. Letting the fuel tank run dry wasn't an option!

[Pete-M]

T5 - Brake pads rattle, but I can only hear 'em with the window open.Rangie - Where do I begin? Starts first go if I leave it for months, starts second go the rest of the time. Uncurable exhaust blow - I've tried everything but it only lasts 100 miles or so before doing it again - normally from a completely unrelated joint to last time.. Auto trans temp light comes on randomly, AC switch needs wiggling to get the AC fans to kick in, Jensen - Starts first go after months of inactivity, needs very precise and complicated starting procedure if it's been left for a few hours. Pump throttle once, turn key, starts then dies, repeat until it actually starts. If you get it wrong, come back in a few hours...Barkas - Just works.Skoda - Just works, but it occasionally weird in hot weather.Golf - Fuel computer goes berserk when I select reverse, otherwise fine.Tatra - Always works, but nobody every knows how.

[Timewaster]

405 TD Estate will NOT start under any circumstances unless you give it the glow plugs.You can drive 100 miles on a hot day, stop for diesel or a piss or whatever and the starter will wind over and over and over and it will not go.3 seconds of glow plugs and its away in a huge cloud of unburnt diesel smoke.Of course there is a hundred other niggly problems which will never ever get fixed.

[Richard]

Yamaha RXS bike - no matter what you do will not fire up on the starter button when cold, but give it a kick (with the kick start, not obviously just out of anger) and then hit the starter button and it will burst into life - otherwise its three kicks and plenty of choke untill you have gone from my gate to the end of school lane - then choke in or its running too rich and it stalls when you try to set off again. Not that it ever gets ridden these days - it needs selling really, but will have to make sure its hot first!

I thought the RXS was kick-start only anyway. What year is it?I passed my test on one way back in 1991. It remains the only vehicle I have ever owned that was too new for an MOT.

[Father Ted]

Sorry, Im talking shite and getting mixed up with the Plack 90 on the starting issue. The RXS is kick only but is the one with the crappy choke that means riding in one direction only from myy drive otherwise if you hit the traffic lghts it dies and wont re start witout a lot of swearing and burnt 2 stroke.

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

Micra - Central locking works whether you want it to or not after about 4 minutes of the engine running - do not leave engine running and shut door without leaving a window open if you plan on being on the outside of the car.

The (self fitted) central locking in my Fiesta would repeatedly lock and unlock if when pressure was applied to the plastic trim on the B pillar. I pity the poor sod who owns that car when those locks break - I wired the whole system with miles of unlabelled black wire.

[2Thumbs]

If I've driven for any distance and want to buy some fuel, I need to put the nozzle in at a 95 degree angle else the trigger will constantly trip.It has a rattle in the dash at exactly 1600RPM.

[dollywobbler]

Oh yeah. Rover drinks fuel like a V8 but won't take fuel at too fast a rate. Keep getting cramp in my hand.2CV - left outside for more than two days, starts almost before the starter spins. Left in the garage, sulks and takes a bit of work. If left for less than an hour, usually takes a bit of a churn.

[scruff]

Was that you filling up in Whittlesey this morning Ian? I went past in a cloud of black smoke.

[Pillock]

when i bought it, my scirocco storm electric windows were, erm, interesting.The drivers window would only go down if the passenger window WAS down. The passenger window would go up at the same time, and the drivers window would stop when the passenger window got to the top. So to get the drivers window down, you first had to put the passenger window down which would return to the top as you put the drivers window down.To get the drivers window back up, press the up button. However after two seconds, the motor would stop. If you kept you finger on the button, there was some sort of thermal cutout which would trip and all window action would stop for five minutes. So it was two-second bursts and take your finger off as soon as it stops moving. Getting the window up in rain was a pita.....

[wuvvum]

Morris Minor - the indicators work fine, flash at a sensible speed etc. etc. but for some reason the green idiot light on the end of the indicator stalk only flashes once, then stops. There's been a couple of times when I've driven along with the indicators on for quite some distance, as they don't self cancel either.

 

SD1 - park switch has gone on front wiper motor so when the wipers are on intermittent they stop randomly half way up the screen. Also the offside dipped beam is rather feeble - suspect an earth problem. It has the best main beam headlights of any car in the fleet though.

 

CX - has a dual horn system installed, with a little diaphragm "beep beep" horn and a twin tone airhorn setup, but the airhorn compressor takes ages to spool up so you get a sort of "beeeepPAAAAAAARP" effect, which is odd, and annoying because invariably by the time the airhorns have kicked in the person you were trying to blast has buggered off, doubtless giggling to themselves about the fact that such a large car has been fitted with the horn off a Honda Melody.

 

Saab 9000 - will occasionally splutter to itself for a few seconds after a long run, which can be embarrassing if you're trying to pull away when it does it as it then kangaroos and threatens to stall. It always clears after about five seconds and it's fine after that. I suspect the fuel filter might need replacing. Also the rear wiper doesn't work off its switch, but sometimes randomly kicks in when the front screen wash is operated.

 

Renault 6 - the wipers only work on the fast setting, and when you switch them off they gradually spool down rather than stopping straight away, so you have to flip the switch when they're half way down the screen if you want them to stop in the right place. It also has a completely hopeless screenwash operated by a rubber bulb on the floor where the dipswitch would be on an old British car.

 

Volvo 164 - the switches on the centre console have a mind of their own. The heater fan has never worked since I've had the car, but the foglights and hazards have always worked when they've felt like it - neither of them feels like it at the moment. I've actually sometimes had only one foglight working (not the bulb) only for the second to randomly kick back in a few days later.

 

And that's about it for the current fleet.