--

[RobT]

8-12 years, Very Poor.

 

I hope loyalty counts for something, and since moving to the Bracknell office last week my passion for moulded plastics has been rekindled (I'm the first to admit I had grown complacent). If you were to give me a Renault 19 Chamade it would spur me on further.

 

Please whatever you do don't give me a Proton, Sandra would never speak to me again. She likes you by the way......

[Lacquer Peel]

7 years service and adequate sales.

I would like something with four-wheel drive, as I live in the north of Scotland in a ditch and adverse weather sometimes prevents me from making my sales targets.

[ShiteRider]

I'm sick of waiting for you to get me out of this bloody allegro, i've gone over your head....not to that chinless wonder of an MD or his slag of a misses. Oh no, i've written to a real gent, a charitable man of the people, a man of honour, nobility, a man who is a role model to all.......and i've told him all about how i spend my day ragging the arse of my 11 year old brummie model.

"Dear Jimmy,

Can you fix it for me..........."

I'm expecting a swift reply.

[sierraman]

Ironically i actually am a salesman, however a tax deductable car, sierra or not, isnt part of my package.

[mercedade]

I consulted the management.

 

 

Luckily for you, they enjoyed your drunken antics.

 

Phwoar! You lucky bastard.

[MarvinsMom]

hmmmmmm,

 

an M and an M.

 

rather spookily 5-7 years and adequate (fookin' hell, i wish!!)

 

anything i don't really care, but please, please, PLEASE not some tutonic pile of shit/turd/wank Aldi/BMWhocares or that other fookin' nazi favourite.

[dieselassist]

D- 1-2 years service

 

T- very poor...

 

Mister Hirst,

...any chance of a metro sport boss?? Ive had trouble with my rally grifter push bike again this last 6 months; punctures n its stuck in the one gear again (wouldn't have been late them 46 times otherwise) and the 4 mile commute leaves me tired and 'unmotivated' - till lunch time at best, and by that time most of the work is already done.... a metro or a Toyota tercel  - these are good long term investments for the  plastic mouldings technology outfit biz, n have zero depreciation long term, that woolard chap off top gear wrote in some mag or other I was reading down the massage parlour  barbers  last week; same as myself, Im a good long term investment  and will improve my work with this new opportunity 

 

your minion.

 

D. Assist.

[BavarianRetro]

It is with some, but not a lot of, regret that I find myself having to tender my resignation.

 

I didn't realise what an absolute cesspit of clandestine sexual gratification this place is. It appears as though I'm the only bastard out selling moulded plastics, the rest of you are either shagging your secretary, somebody else's secretary, somebody's wife, mother, daughter or the mail boy. Those that aren't are either pissed, drugged up or both. Have you been in accounts on a Friday after 2:00? Well if you have, you're the only bastard who has.

 

It is now clear to me that you'll fit in perfectly and my letter to the MD describes what in this god forsaken organisation will be viewed as admirable qualities as opposed to reasons for your resignation.

 

I always suspected that sales wasn't for me and I'm jumping before I get pushed or bum raped in the mailroom.

 

I'm pleased to tell you that I've secured a managerial position well way from the abhorrent day to day machinations of you moulded plastics perverts and where my moral rectitude and caring, compassionate, Christian values will be appreciated.

 

I start in Rothetham Social Services department on Monday.

 

So you can shove your Renault 5 Campus up your arse, if there's any room.

[MarvinsMom]

Those that aren't are either pissed, drugged up or both.

 

 

the hell hole where i work one of the director's already thinks that we are all ready drunks, smack heads or both.

 

no frigging chance, especially on the wages that they pay!!!!

[320touring]

Umwelt, fucking UMWELT !!

Do you think I gave the best years of my life to this shithole so some snivelling little cretin can make me drive a Kraut car ?

You my friend are sadly mistaken, I know where a lot of bodies are buried in this company and I'm going home to get my shovel.

And it won't be in your poxy German tinbox , I've still got the keys to one of the Montegos and if it starts I'm off.

for info, swap the bosch pump out with one off a normal TD, reprofile the boost pin and wind the fuelling and boost up;)

[AlabamaShrimp]

Oh dear I only just got here and have piss poor sales....

 

Please mister Hirst can I have a fiesta in any colour and spec please, I'm sure my figures will get better as soon as I hear the tappets tapping

[JohnDeere]

Pfft! Mi16?!Consider yourself extremely lucky to get this - and keep on top of those sales or I'm busting you down to a 1.6.

With a boot spoiler and electric sunroof I am very happy indeed.

[JohnDeere]

Although I have never been lucky* enough to have a company car, I did drive various pool cars at that time - including Renault 5 Campus, Sierra, 205s, 309s and 405s. Pugs all the way, pity the modern versions are so utterly dismal and ugly.

[angle]

Not been here long but I'm good, honest. I have carefully calibrated my expectations to an Escort 1.4 LX based on what other family members have got, but as danthecapriman got there before me is there any chance I can have something (a) less crap and ( French at all please Mr Hirst?

[MarvinsMom]

the only pug 405 i ever had a go off was an SRi, and I LOVED IT!!

[Sloth in a bowl]

Dear Bossman

 

Well I've been here for ever and my performance is adequate according to your management guide to handing out motors.

What I'd like is to be tail gating arseholes that dawdle at 85mph on the A14 while looking cutting edge and ahead of the crowd by about 20 years. Can I have an Audi please or failing that, some other VAG shite will do.

If it's interesting enough that I can still find it in the car park after getting pissed up on Brew XI and Double Diamond then that's all the better.

 

Thanks

 

Sloth

[John F]

3-4 years, Very Good.

 

I'm sure I could raise that to Excellent if Sir would see fit to award me a nice Cavalier...

[fred]

(CDEF): 1-2 Years F

(CDEF): Very Good D

  

 

 

MG Montego???? Pleeeeeeeeseeeeee

[UltraWomble]

13 - 19 years

Very Good

 

A fucking Maestro 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMCFeoR9oSg

[Partridge]

^^I always think he's how I'm going to look in 10/20 years

[Noel Tidybeard]

F= 1-2

R= poor

i'll just keep the montego

[vulgalour]

Current Length of Employment
The FIRST character of your Username
(STUV): 13-19 Years

Current Sales Report
The LAST character of your Username
(OPQR): Poor

Pointless, this whole sorry business is pointless.  I've been in this game my entire working life and the only reason my sales report is so poor is because there's just no point to it all.  That's why I make sure I'm drunk by 3pm every Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.  In a few years nobody is even going to want Amstrads and Polaroids, you mark my words.  Besides, you know I've still got those negatives of the 1976 Christmas Party incident just waiting for a rainy day. My only perks here are occasionally getting a Montego out the pool that doesn't stink of burning oil and stale Charlie and knowing that you can't afford to make me work harder.

We both know what the score is here. You can't make things any worse for me than they already are, but if you play your cards wrong you can make things a lot worse for yourself and this business.  Let's make sure it's not a hatchback or a diesel and at the very least has metallic paint.

 

 

(wow, I'm a terrible employee)

[coalnotdole]

I've only been here a year but I hope my very good sales will mean that you will reward me with something small european and quick....

 

I've got my eye on a 205 1.6 XR in any colour other than white.

 

Thanks

[Junkman]

3-4 years, adequate.

 

Apart from a Michael Ovitz style remuneration package, I should be entitled to a 600 SEL in full Bundeskanzler spec and reserved parking near the entrance of the office block, no?

[vulgalour]

aaaand suddenly I'm not as terrible an employee as I thought.

[Jon]

3-4 years, adequate.

 

Although, as we both know, I've worked in plastics and remember when it was all bakelite but that doesn't count it seems, as you only took our company over in 1988 and everything else has been conveniently forgotten. I strongly believe in buying British built, would like a nice accessible boot since my back isn't so great these days, plus something that can tow our 13ft Sprite, as Glenda would bloody kill me if she couldn't read the Express on a weekend without a view of some grass and other moribund campers.

[Ben_O]

length of employment - <1 year

 

Current sales report - Poor

 

I know i'm not doing too well and this is reflected in my poor sales report but i do try my very hardest. I am not a lazy employee, i am just un-liked by the clients. 

I can't help that though as they are repulsed by my hideous disfigurement which i find very upsetting. I am just very grateful for the equal opportunities act because without it, i would have no chance of getting a job.

 

You are a fine employer and i like you very much. You have an excellent head for business and are very well liked by everyone. Therefor i fully trust your decision on which car to give me to carry out this wonderful job in.

I am not worthy of your magnificence.

 

I do have one small stipulation  though which i am sure you have already thought of being the kind and selfless person you are and that is that i will need a larger car due to my weight problem which as you are aware, i have no control over.

Something which is high up will help me to get in and out of it in a dignified manner and be useful at the drive-thru windows as my large orders can be awkward for the staff to pass out to me in a timely fashion.

 

Love you 

[STUNO]

Years in job....13-19

Performance....poor. Current rating because of 18 months off work after whiplash caused by getting rear-ended in a pool Allegro. Forgot to tell anyone I was asleep in the middle of the road on the way home from the pub. The other driver was convicted of drink-driving. The payout got me a world cruise whilst recuperating and enough to make a donation to superintendant Smith of The local police. Also an upgraded house mortgage free.

I also have proof the new MD has stolen someone's identity and if I  get a Renault 5 will tell all ( except the Smith donation).

 

Want and expect Volvo 960 auto with leather.

[Semi-C]

Years in job: 13-19.

Performance: Very Good.

 

I'd like a Citrine Yellow Ford Mondeo because I've only got one leg. Cornflakes.

[alf892]

Dear Mr Hirst,

 

I have only been with the company one year but my sales are excellent. Unmatched in fact.

 

You need me. To keep me you need to do something special to show others how excellence is rewarded.

 

I would suggest something like a 5 series BMW but will leave the final choice up to you. Please can you ensure you provide a chauffeur for Friday afternoons so that I may be driven home after playing golf and entertaining clients.

 

Extra Luncheon Vouchers would also be appreciated so that I may further increase sales and sexual experience.

 

My secretary can be contacted for interior choices...........she likes the feel of leather on her bare skin.