2013 Autoshite Quote Thread

[Lord Sterling]

Here is two that oi larf. Not exactly quotes as such but nevertheless they made me laugh like a drain.

 

I once looked at a 205GTi out of my living room window. Unfortunately it was at the same moment I lifted my leg to fart. I frantically attempting to regain control of myself, but span uncontrollably into the couch before cartwheeling into the newspaper-tidy. I was killed instantly.

My route to and from work takes in several large hills which, when snowy, are almost always strewn with Barry Fatbastard in his 7.5t truck, hopelessly incapable of making the summit of the hill, but mercilessly polishing the surface up by his repeated attempts, that or perhaps Derek Poshbollocks who has no idea how to drive in the snow and just sits with his foot on the throttle, wondering why he goes nowhere, regardless of which direction he attempts to travel

[skattrd]

We have recently purchased a new house and had convinced the boss we needed a transit type vehicle for the complete renovation it needs.

 

So I bought a cheap ropey stag.

 

Standard shiteist behaviour

[brickwall]

[garethj]

This one from Station made me ROFL, talking about Araldite not glueing the parcel shelf blind

 

I was showing a prospective buyer the car, opened the boot lid and good old Araldshite gives up and the boot blind simply detaches and comes cascading out of the boot like a bat

[Craig the Princess]

It's been painted white with a brick.

[vulgalour]

Rust is like stubble on BL cars, you cut it or grind it off and it just comes back the next day, it's all part of the ownership experience.

 

[vulgalour]

I can see Brown Interior Trim becoming some sort of currency soon.

 

[quicksilver]

From TheTDCIWeigh regarding Mini Clubman screenwashers

 

 

 

It's like a not-very-upset mouse crying onto the screen.

 

[phil_lihp]

As it was a horrible car in every way, I went on WBAC and was pleasantly surprised to find they'd give us £250 more than we'd just paid.

 

She liked the car though so it had to stay.

 

So I dumped her.

[vulgalour]

 

So to keep it on the road a huge amount of dodgy gaffer-tape bodgery was required - it was quite frankly a death trap.

 

[Partridge]

from Junkman.

 

"Japanese cars for the neighbor you didn't like anyway, Mercedes coupes for pimps, Jaguars for night club owners, 3-series Bimmers for bouncers and Opel Kadetts for secretaries."

[Junkman]

Needs framing that does:
 

I don't want to see a formal definition of what is Autoshite, the DVLA would just go and use it as a taxation class to stitch us all up, then we'd all be fighting over BINI and VW logbooks for ringing shenanigans. Shites what you make it celebrate it, and one mans shite is another mans Peugeot.
For me shite's anything that doesn't fit into the big dull kill me now sea of grey being driven aimlessly and kak-handedly throughout our nation. Their function being less vehicular but more to establish a place in a weird and contrived pecking order that exists in the collective shut off minds of the masses. These proles are like ants, they are ants, all behave the same, sound the same, boring predictable soulless zombies. Driving shite isn't playing their game, buying a car for yourself rather than what others consider acceptable gets those closed minded twats knickers in a right old twist eventually bunching up into a knot that chafes on their anus causing their distinctively strange facial expression. Similar story with scene taxed stuff, ludicrously overpriced and that's what matters to a sad twat driven by low self worth to obsess over how others will see him. Still a twat BTW.

[Partridge]

What Junkman says +1.

[vulgalour]

 

I had tiger print seat covers in a capri, but only because the only taste i have is in my mouth.

 

[Mr Livered]

the fucker leaked like a laughing granny and smelt like one

[Mr Livered]

Most of the women with the 'Powered By Fairydust' stickers on their cars should actually have them replaced with 'Powered By Greggs' from what I have noticed.

[Pillock]

A new way of describing a convertible car, from vulg:

 

floppytops

 

I just keep saying the word over and over. Lovely.

[Bucketeer]

The perfect way to deal with anger/frustration/dickheads and all types of wanky neighbours via Junkman.

 

 

There is air to be released from tyres, superglue dispensed into keyholes, dog shit to be pushed into letter boxes, padlocks to be put on gates, lawns to be mowed early on Sunday mornings, stuff to be reported to the council, pizzas to be ordered on their behalf, telescopes to be arranged in windows in a way so they are aware of it, etc etc.

However, I found out you can annoy stupid neighbors most by being extremely friendly to them. Always greet them heartily, wave and smile at them when you see them, bring them home-baked cakes, stuff like that.

[Lord Sterling]

Metblackmk5 on the Bozozozoku Trucks.

 

That looks like a transformers gay pride march

[Spiny Norman]

I used to ferry a couple of elderly relatives about in the car, this sounded familiar....

 

 

....if I'm driving my community minibus and someone overtakes, I can tell how quickly they are doing so by the length of time it takes the tuts to get from the back of the bus to the front...

[Jim Bell]

Non motoring thread bump.

[Cavcraft]

Hillman Imp's excellent

 

 

'I would probably feel safer with the teletubbies doing the MOT test than anyone at Halfrauds.  It will fail on 2 tyres, brake pads, discs, an exhaust section and a missing £699 Boardman roadbike all of which they handily have in stock.'

[quicksilver]

As the owner until recently of such an old Nokia this description of Vulgalour's custom paint amused me greatly.

It looks like a fight to the death between a Smiths stick on heated rear window and a game of Snake on an old Nokia.

[vulgalour]

 

I used to get more than 40mpg out of the twin webbers on my imp as it would always do the last 2/3rds of it journey on the back of a towtruck.

[phil_lihp]

 

My Fiat Uno had intermittent wipers, well, they worked intermittently.

[Lord Sterling]

I had to nominate this gem from Vauxhall_Cavette. I guess it sums up why some of shiters just cannot pull girls:

 

I was going to suggest just be your self. The trouble with that is there's probably a very limited number of birds who want to date someone who gets excited by Hillman Hunter estates and whose perfect evening is sitting in front of a beige coloured internet page, asking why his 30 year old car won't start.

[vulgalour]

Cannot, or should not?

[dugong]

Cannot, or should not?

Cannot. Although I for one have nowt against folk who play for the home team.

[Craig the Princess]

BL really knew what they were doing when it came to equipping grandads with allotments with chariots of competence.

[cms206]

I remember being told "Everything is alright, everything is great" at one place I worked, right up until the moment when they said "Everyone is being made redundant, everything is moving to Warrington".