Autoshite Quote of the Year

[phil_lihp]

From the eBay thread, an excellent joint effort:

 

I can think of a cheaper way to die in absolute agony than spunking six grand on this.

That's the kind of machine that really brings the world of aviation to the everyday man on the street. Presumably by landing on him.

[Junkman]

I'd quite like to try an Espero some time - would have to be a 1.5 though for maximum misery.

 

I'd love to see how this sentence would go down over on Pissinheads.

[ashmicro]

Lovely old camp Tranny. Don't google that...

[meggersdog]

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colc wrote:

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[Guest]

viewtopic.php?f=1&t=15480

 

warren t claim » Sun Nov 25, 2012 12:17 am

 

You've got more chance of getting a blow job off Kylie on the back seat of a Lonsdale station wagon than getting a grand for that Fabia. Sorry.

[Wilko220]

 

You must have a hugh whopper to pull in a Beige Acclaim!

[FredTransit]

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colc wrote:

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Bah I was there first with 'bump for a real thread'

Wetting myself over this thread though!!

[sporty-shite]

 

No, for a skydiver you need to have given or received a reacharound in a Messerschmitt.

 

SOZ.

[sporty-shite]

More from the Autoshite "cyber-bully"

 

Piss in it. It's what Jesus would have wanted.

[catsinthewelder]

Why on earth is there a dead spier INSIDE one of my rear lights? How did the bloody thing get in there? There’s never any water or condensation in them, so I’ve always assumed they’re pretty much air tight.

 

It climbed in there when it was small. Then everytime you indicated right the party started and all the moths joined it. Spider ate moths, spider grew so fat he plugged the hole. That's where he was fucked as he couldn't let food in so fried to death lonely and hungry just outside Cromer by that little campsite on the left.

[flat4alfa]

^

[flat4alfa]

Perhaps he's the opposite of the usual pissed ebayer - instead of getting drunk and recklessly buying a fucking princess hearse to put a V8 in and sell hot dogs out of, he fills himself up with whatever lager is on special offer at tesco express, and then when there's nothing left on the telly he cracks the laptop open and relists his 405.

[Morgan84]

by studebaker hawk » Sat Dec 08, 2012 12:07 am

 

Could it be that you're trying to play actual music on it? Most of these modern things are optimised for 'DJ fuckwit vs MC baseball hat ' thump-thump toss.

He says while watching The Faces on BBC4's Guitar Heroes programme.... - ah is that my cocoa already?...

[flat4alfa]

A Category C Polo Harlequin. Got to be one of the easiest repairs of all time seeing as it looked like a fucking Cat C the minute it left the factory.

[Cavcraft]

Trigger wrote:

 

I'm not collecting the car until 10am and i'm not buying the house FFS!! You bunch of homeobrickphonics.

 

[Wilko220]

20 grand still seems a lot for a car that's been used to grow potatoes in.

.

[eddyramrod]

I can't believe it took 16 pages for "What can possibly go wrong?" to appear!

 

Given that it's Christmas next week and Ken Bruce is hosting the 2012 Popmaster final tomorrow, I think I should consider declaring a winner very soon. It was me that volunteered for the judging, wasn't it? OK, if you have any last-minute contributions get 'em in now. Billy, if you've used any on the calendar, great, I hope they were appropriate. Closing time is midnight on New Year's Eve (UK time) and I'll announce a winner within the week. What you've won (whoever you are) I have no idea yet. It's entirely possible there may not even be a prize.

[skattrd]

Eddy, may I point you in the direction of : viewtopic.php?f=1&t=13185&p=409273

 

What could possibly go wrong?

[eddyramrod]

Exactly what I meant! And while we're referring back to that page, thanks to Junkman for nominating one of mine!

[hauserplenty]

Then can I lobby you to consider these:

 

volksy wrote:

Mine was a nail, but you could tell it had been a nail since it was new, horrid trim, rock hard seats, shit switchgear, numb steering, gruff engine, clunky autobox, wooden brakes, noisy and uncomfortable.

Mine had the added pleasure of an exploding radiator, the beginnings of OMGHGF and a maddening rattle from the passenger seat.

 

cavette wrote:

Much as I'm liking Merc ownership, the old Teutonic barge isn't without its foibles too.

As someone already mentioned about the Citroen XM, these dumb US style 'parking brake' pedals are a right PITA. After nearly 30 years of driving (and owning another car with a normal handbrake lever between the seats, where it should be) I just cannot help myself grabbing fresh air behind the gear selector every time I pull up at a set of lights. Then I remember what a faff it is to bring my left leg up to my chin to apply said brake, so I just decide to blind the poor fucker behind me with the brake lights instead.

 

I've been taught never to use my emergency brake in traffic, but to stand on the brakes--"That way they'll see you".

 

Oh, and:

eddyramrod wrote:

 

Proper Minis! Everything you want to work on, you wind up with severe spanner rash because there's no hand-room whatsoever. And whose idea was it to let the bonnet open to about 45 degrees? The moment you straighten up from whatever it was you were trying to get at, you crack the back of your head on either the bonnet catch or the safety latch. Fibreglass flip-fronts were the best thing ever on these (voice of experience); a great idea ruined by sub-standard home-fitting. Should have been done at the factory, from Day One.

 

BMW what's-it-called...? i-Drive? Three issues here. 1: it's bloody impossible. 2: let's have capitals and lower-case in their correct places, shall we? 3: i-Drive? No you fucking don't, you're the machine! I drive! I drive you! Get used to that idea now buster because that's how it's going to be.

[warren t claim]

Do we have to nominate our favourites?

[DSdriver]

Perhaps Eddy should select his ten favourites for us to vote on. Sort of mixed autocracy and democracy which we could call shitocracy.

[Wilko220]

Honda Crossroad. IIRC Japan only. A lot are coming back over here.... slightly better spec than UK Discos. Then again, a derelict public toilet is generally better specced than a Discovery.

.

[Richard]

This one is from last year but it still comes to mind when I see a freshly painted but wobbed up car.

 

GR9 for talking stock down to the lock-up for Arfur, but £3800!!??

 

 

http://retrorides.proboards.com/index.c ... read=97296

I spy more wob in that back arch than there is in the dubstep remix of "wob wob wob" by "Geoff Wob and the wobblers". You can see where they've drawn the seams back in with a grinder on the right hand side. Shame really, cos that van is top drawer shite otherwise

 

 

viewtopic.php?f=1&t=3652&p=254571#p254571

[FredTransit]

This one is from last year but it still comes to mind when I see a freshly painted but wobbed up car.

 

GR9 for talking stock down to the lock-up for Arfur, but £3800!!??

 

 

http://retrorides.proboards.com/index.c ... read=97296

I spy more wob in that back arch than there is in the dubstep remix of "wob wob wob" by "Geoff Wob and the wobblers". You can see where they've drawn the seams back in with a grinder on the right hand side. Shame really, cos that van is top drawer shite otherwise

 

 

viewtopic.php?f=1&t=3652&p=254571#p254571

 

you wot!! Thats auldys SWB and its had a proper big fettling! Biuld threads on my forum and the FTF INCLUDING new rear arches....

[eddyramrod]

Perhaps Eddy should select his ten favourites for us to vote on. Sort of mixed autocracy and democracy which we could call shitocracy.

 

You know what, I rather like that idea. Gives me extra time to think up a suitably shite prize too, or at least decide whether there should be one at all. I'll announce a shortlist after New Year, how's that?

[hauserplenty]

cavette wrote:

One has ancient technology, rusts like there's no tomorrow, is completely bland and requires you to send a telex to the next town to let them know you plan to stop in time because the brakes are fucking rubbish. And the other is an A40.

 

...and the car's not... ...wot car??

[Split_Pin]

Cavette Wrote about Xsara Picassos:

 

Don't worry, I bought one when I was sober once. I wish I'd been pissed though, far better excuse!

 

I'd eBay it, they do seem very popular and it's exactly the sort of car some Jeremy Kyle fodder bint will pester her tattooed, vest wearing neanderthal husband to buy her and do it up.

Three days later you'll see it parked across three disabled bays in Aldi pissing out oil, covered in dents, pound shop wheeltrims and crayoned interior as the lovely lady in question is inside buying 88 cans of Stella for her bloke as a thankyou. Obviously she'll have to hide a couple of cans to dull the pain in the morning as he's kicked fuck out of her for Christmas, but he's a good bloke and he's always sorry afterwards.

[hauserplenty]

 

Albert Ross wrote:

Had I known you were going to buy a car with that godawful Indian built 1248 diseasel in it, I would have warned you off........ dreadful lump. Gutless, loom chafing, injector dribbling, oil/fuel mixing, chain snapping, misfiring, rattling, turbo leakagy, egr killing piece of shit.

[M'coli]

you wot!! Thats auldys SWB and its had a proper big fettling! Biuld threads on my forum and the FTF INCLUDING new rear arches....

That's us clamped* then!

 

 

*As in, we are struck dumb by superior subject knowledge!