Futuramic

"Lentillist" is a British word from the late 1970s or early 80s. It's not really a word at all, more of a derogatory slang term. It was born from the conservative skewering of right-on culture back then. You know the types; communal living, denim wearing public social workers. They wore sandals and lived in communes and grew their own produce. They stayed up late listening to reel to reel recordings of William Burroughs, smoked spliffs and read Sartre. They loved the environment, hated apartheid and stood for everything no-one could conclusively argue against. "Child labour is wrong" - it is. "War is bad" - Yup "Womens' rights" - that too "Gays are people" - no shit Sherlock. Thus the easy leftism was satirised by the right; who railed against one legged black lesbians and the like. Much was born from organisations such as the Leeds Revolutionary Feminist Group - a lesbian commune who abandoned menfolk entirely and lived a self sufficient existence in slum tenemants. They were ground breaking, but far too pious for their own good. Male cats were not allowed in there. I think even boy spiders and woodlice were stamped on as enthusiastically as a Starship Trooper might. This poe-faced seriousness was lampooned; or else the trappings of it the clothes, sandals and food especially. Most were vegitarians so favoured pulses over a good porterhouse. Thus lentillists were born. This refers back to the CVH, as I took the piss out of the emissions-strangled eco-version that punted a few Swiss bankers around.

I can't say I can argue much with the list - but I'd take that Volvo 240 off and put the Allegro on. You know, I rather hope that, once Top Gear have destroyed every Marina on the planet, they start on the All-Aggros too... Yes, hopefully the only classic cars left in 10 years will be universally accepted ones like Morris Minors, tartan red MGBs, sports RWD Escorts etc. Death to everything regularly featured in 'Britain's Top 94 Worst Ugly Cars That My Dad Drove'-type lists. No, but the All-Aggro was such a hopeless car, a prime example of everything that was wrong with the British motor industry at the time. It quickly descended into bangerdom and will never rise to classic status. Of course, not all classics will be universally accepted... the SD1 is still laughed at, but it's a great bit of design. Also, are you seriously suggesting that the Mk3/Mk4/Mk5 Escorts were good enough to warrant preservation? I've known enough of them and they haven't had a single redeeming feature. Not one. I'm usually nice to people; and Autoshite is an easygoing place but you make me want to pour petrol all over your clothes and toss the still glowing end of a Silk Cut on top. And then laugh at the charred remnants. And then sweep them into a pile. And stick a home-made cardboard flag in the top that says "I got burned because I deserved it". Future generations will be aghast. Like it or not the Allegro already is a classic. Many love them, for their foibles and the owners club is fairly populous. It wasn't a hopeless car; it was a cheap car that had a few things wrong with it. Much like the Kia Picanto - but no-one points at those and rails about noodle eating, slack jawed Eastern types. At least we had a motor industry - and more Allegros will be around in 20 years than modern stuff. The SD1 looked good but was an appalling piece of design. It was an enormous retrograde step from the P6, the electrical system was satanic and there was only one good engine. The steering wheel was also square. It is a great car though; I would happily drive one. Mk3 and Mk4 Escorts are the same, bar a grille change and the introduction of the SPFI CVH and catalytic convertors in lentillist countries. Mine was reliable, economical, fast and fun to drive. It looked good; was comfotable, pracitcal and easy to work on. It had everything I needed: auto choke, a winter destroying heater, radio casette, central locking and absolutely nothing I did not. If you ever learn how to drive then perhaps you will learn that true pleasure is not gained from silly gadgets or impressing young boys (though what you do with your adult friends is no concern of mine). It is being the custodian of a vehicle that you like owning. From V8 Jags and Mercedes limos to Barkas vans and 120Y coupes Shite contains the whole gamut of vehicles; few of which would ever be described as having redeeming features by Clarkson et al. I can drive, so I know the feeling, gained from the glance-over-the-shoulder in a quiet car park. The quiet thought "I own that". Which applies to any vehicle of any description.

The best of the Essex plates DEV1l was never issued on the grounds it may be offensive. My arse. However I did see a modern car with a "POO" suffix on recently. They stopped issuing those along with "LOO" and other things you really wouldn't want on a plate years ago so god knows why you'd have it as a transfer. Maybe he was a sewage engineer? Interestingly "KKK" plates were in circulation up until the end of the proper reg series in 1999. The transfer places sell them. I looked it up after seeing one with a friend and discussing it. They aren't expensive. I once owned H23CKP. Thought nothing of it at the time; but might have been a dealer demonstrator or something.

Why was somebody saying it must be great to have a BMW straight six in Caterham? Do the denizens of Surrey like that layout or something. I hear it's truly spiffing to have a Perkins Prima in Snodland. Or a Belt Driven Type A in Basildon. I'll stop now. This is hideous to drive: It has an alternatively sticky and bouncy clutch. The brakes are soft, yet grabby and the gear lever is upsettingly dildo-esque on the early ones. Age also makes the gaiter bit sag like post bowel incontinence incident granny pants. The cheapy stick bit is then revealed with the funny dildo head stuck atop it. one may ask oneself why I preserve such vitriol for the Focus gear lever. Because I have to spend so much of the bloody time using it! The engine is woeful in these things. In the basic 1.8 "turbo" diesel anyway. I hear the petrol versions are quite good; but work won't pay for that. The seats are too high, the steering wheel is plastic, and the engine isn't very good. Did I mention the engine? It is as smooth and pleasurable as being beaten around the face with an empty wine bottle. It rattles, it smokes, it breaks down. Handling is not what it is alleged to be either. With the ESP off the chassis throws a wobbly and tries to eject the car from the opposite side of any corner. The Mk1 this replaced was actually quite good. Which is interesting.

Apologies if my cutting (geddit) sarcasm masked my true opinions. I very much enjoyed the museum, being a smoker myself - see the self portrait topis for confirmation, and did poke about in the windmill. I'd thoroughly reccomend the place.

*Commission in post. Erm, in the event of being repetetive and predictable, for my money it'd be a Corsa B everytime. 1.2 or 1.4 8V best bet. Are you feeling alright? I know of a few bright, warm places where they can offer help, support, perhaps even a shoulder to cry on for those with such serious personality disorders as your own. The food's free and the walls padded. After a few months of non-threatening discussion with lentil eating caring types I'm sure you can regain the esteemed position you once enjoyed in what you may perceive as the "ordinary world". The world of those who live without delusion, are free from hallucinations and unacceptable ideas. Those who know that the Corsa B is a terrible car. Mine may have been a rotten example. However I cursed its very existence. It broke down. When working it did nothing well. It was cheap, and cheap feeling. The engine was as exciting as a beetle drive in the village hall. With no jacket potato buffet. I nearly took out whole suburbs of Colchester with lethal understeer. I had to abandon it in Sainsbury's car park when it died completely. For those few months of ownership I thought it worse than famine, world war and voracious disease. Combined. I replaced it with a Bluebird, which incidentally was a fantastic car. I loved that thing and wish I still had her to this day. I'd reccomend a Fiesta over a Corsa. Better in every way. They rust but the 1.25 Yamaha Zetec is jewel-like and the pushrod lumps indestructible. My friend had a Punto. It wasn't great but it was, crucially, a great lugh to drive. One to consider? Other than that the suggestions of Micras and the like are good. Another friend had a white one and said it was superb. As for Sirions, they are an unknown quantity. Someone else I knew drove an automatic version. It seemd fine, I think the main hindrance to sales was the somewhat bizzarre styling.

Allegedly there are much more moden Rovers than that in the Southern states. The 75 was sold officially in Mexico and a few have swum across the Rio Grande.

Colchester is seething with this kind of thing, from the Clock Museum near the library to Gnome Magic off the A12. For green loonies there's the Boxted alternative energy project - which consists of a small wind turbine. That's it; a wind turbine. One! In the middle of a rather fine vineyard. Further afield there's the Mersea Island museum. I've never actually been to it but I imagine a shrine to good oysters and inbreeding. In terms of actual shite museums I've been to plenty. One that sticks in my mind was located somewhere in Norfolk. It was raining and country walking was rendered inadvisable. Father Futuramic, at mother's behest, halted his LX Mondeo outside "The Smoking Museum". Yes, yes he did. Said gallery was bafflingly enormous and required a good couple of hours to get round. Still it was good to hear reminisences concerning Woodbines, Players and Capstan. Pipes were represented as were Castro pleasing cigars. Cruella De Vil would have got wet by the display of cigarette holders: long, short, ejecting and valuable. Ironically the only thing one couldn't do in there was have a puff. For those who travel internationally I can recommend the Danish museum of model container ships. In Helsingborg for your convenience.

is that a mk3 zephyr/zodiac? Could be; but to me looks a tad Farina-esque. Great photos by the way. Reminds me of a John Wyndham inspired nightmarish view of a post Soviet attack Britain.

I tried chatting up the speccy girl in the Post Office. She loved it but still bloody charged me! So no. Unless you find one of those colour photocopier thingies. And a paper punch.....

The CVH was alright. Mine used to smoke like an East End Landlady but that didn't matter. The power was there and it was a simple fix to replace the valve guides. However it was easier just to chuck a bit of Castrol in there every few months and pollute like it's 1989. It was a willing engine; gruff but revved okay - with proper 8 valve pulling power. I remember it being economical and 100% reliable. Mind you this was a 1.6 Weber carb with a genuine 50,000 on it. I don't know why it's been so heavily criticised. Mine started as reliably as wars between Palestine and Israel - and never broke down. As for over-rated engines I found the original tin-top Zetec to be a horrifically gutless thing. I had a Mondeo with the two litre and it struggled. The car was supposed to have 140 horses - but felt no different to the 1.8 Xantia it replaced. It ran lumpily; provided little acceleration and was bank account rapingly expensive to service. A cambelt change cost loads. I don't understand why they get raved about. I've driven later Duratec (Mazda chain driven) powered Mondeos and they were far better. I followed that with a Mk1 Mondeo again, so the same car, but this one a V6. That engine was sublime. Not many more horses at the top end but lightyears ahead in terms of smoothness, torque and sound. As for TDCis - correct me if I'm wrong but they appear to be a re-hash of the old Endura-E with common rail injectors and a dual mass flywheel. They are horribly peaky; any attempt to make progress in one turns me into a constant gear-changing and heel-toeing imitation of Pentii Arrikkala. I don't understand why the turbo kicks in so violently, and for such short periods. No top end performance either. The Focii I've piloted with such a lump accelerate demonically up to about 90 and then do nothing more. At the top of fifth gear I was being passed by Talbot Solaras and Hyundai Stellars, and anything else that can rev a bit.

I have managed to do this on my old Volvo with a long piece of rope. Here's how: Buy a long piece of clean, thin, nylon rope - 10 or 20 feet should do it. Wind the engine up to TDC, compression stroke on no1 piston. You want both valves fully closed. Now wind a few degrees past (using a socket on the pulley bolt). I'm assuming you've taken the plugs out - if not do it. Insert the rope into the combustion chamber through the spark plug hole. Now comes the clever bit. Wind the engine back to TDC and you should feel it lock up. If you've done it right the space between the piston and the valves will be full of soft rope. Now apply a hell of a lot of force to the pulley bolt and it will come off. It's a tried and tested method; safe too - the soft rope won't damage anything internally (on a Volvo engine anyway but they build them tough). It's also easier than damaging ring gear or potentially the front crossmember. However if I were to do it again I'd use a rattle gun - safer, quicker, easier need I say more? Anyway the rope method really does work; I've done it.

I voted for the Solara. Never, ever, it seems has a marque been so utterly raped and pillaged as this. I shall illustrate my point with some early Talbot pornography; but more later. Imagine Rolex bringing out a Christmas cracker special edition with a plastic strap and Chinese innards. To buy a Talbot, in the thoroughbred era, was to buy something like this: and perhaps best of all: Graber body. I favour the Saoutchik for all its pompous, silly wonderfulness but this is the ultimate. After acquisition the Sunbeam 90 was a great car, the M5 of its day. But the Solara? What other Icarus like fall from graces match this? From glorious straight sixes and eights to an asthmatic Simca coupled to a sludge pumper. Nothing quite defines the essence of a shite car as well as this. A once glorious name cheapened to horrible suburban affordability. The car equivalent of those Dambusters and Flying Scotsman branded clock plates and sub-standard tinware found in the back of the Daily Mail. The Solara pretends to be something it isn't - it pisses on the graves of the finest engineers and craftsmen. It is an insult to the very annals of European history. A great dynasty was trodden into muddy ground by nylon clad accountants - and for what end? The Stanza is a worthy hatchback, made by a producer known for its reliable, but dull worthy hatchbacks.

1) Crappy estate - Mondeo, Veccy, Primera or whatever. To leave wherever I feel like and to make the others feel special. 2) BMW M3 E36 - pref. an Evo (hopefully my next real life car if things go to plan) 3) Corvette Mk4 ZL1 4) Talbot Lago Grand Sport - with a Saoutchik body 5) Oldsmobile 4-4-2 of the manual variety with the Hurst shifter; so a Hurst/Olds then. I know it would handle like a bus but that doesn't matter.

Where the hell did you buy that? 1987? Superb chap. I haven't seen one that clean for years.

I'm actually wanting to buy that very car (if it hasn't gone). They're ultra reliable and very comfy inside. Ace for an A-to-B car, but probably not what you want if you want a car to turn heads. I know humour one has to explain isn't funny - but I wasn't being sincere. Someone else mentioned it being designed by a Foreigner - hence the crap AOR lyric references. I actually quite like those Rovers.

I feel all middle class now (I am so it's normal) My parents have always had two cars; right from when I was born. The first I remember was a beige Mk2 Escort 4 door; possibly a 1.3. The bottom end gave out spectacularly in about 1992 and it got scrapped. The plate was superb NAR77V. Last I heard it was on a Merc 600 SL as a cherished transfer! That got replaced by a Mk2 Cavalier 1.6. This was quite good. I can't remember why it was ditched - I think terminal rust. We didn't seem to have it for long. After that came a Mk3 Cavalier 1.6. This was a G Reg non-cat so went quite well for a tiny engined big car. It had electric windows which impressed my friends. The interior was vaguely modern with velour instead of tweed so felt plush. I hated that car more than anything in the world; for its ability to break down on the way to anything remotely fun at the weekend. Leyland tin gets criticised but that Cavalier was the worst built shitter I've ever had the misfortune to travel in. It used to snap clutch cables with alarming regularity; that must have happened more than 5 times - over one a year. The wipers smashed themselves to pieces one night on the A1. The rain was overwhelming and the entire Futuramic family nearly wiped out. The mirrors used to fall off by themselves. The engine would expire for no reason. The metallic blue paint, stunning on purchase, eventually faded to white and peeled off. That led to an unstoppable onslaught of rust that finally killed the thing to death. Children these days would find my experiences back then inconceivable - and this was only ten years ago. I got used to sitting in the back on the hard shoulder more than going anywhere. Any journey would be defined by the enduring imagine of rain smudged sodium lights shining through dirty Triplex. Stationery and the only question "where are the AA?" I really don't understand. I have run older cars as daily drivers. I felt confident in my 1988 Volvo's abilitis as a motrway cruiser. So confident, in fact, that I drove from Colchester to Edinburgh and back again. No problem. Maybe that Cavalier was proof that there really are cursed cars; ones that are very badly built. It got replaced by a Mondeo; which was reliable, well made and offered sprightly performance. He's driven Mondeos ever since. My mum had a Mk1 Fiesta, when I was born, on a Y plate. I remeber little about it; except being allowed to pull the choke out on frosty mornings. That was replaced by a Mk3 Fiesta Fanfare - J reg and still going! Must have been a good one. I saw it the other day. That was decreed boring by mother so got chopped in for a Dolphin Grey Mk2 XR2. That was run for years, until the floor rotted and the CVH obscured the emision tester's face with oil smoke. Shame really as it was immaculate inside and would be worth a bit now. The XR2 gave way to a 1.25 Zetec S. This again was found to be lacking in fun. Older and more sedate she exchanged that for a 2 litre petrol Mk1 Focus. From what I gather that was quite quick; but she never exploited that performance. The Mk1 Focus was changed for a Mk2 Focus.

I take your point about the styling on this one - looks like someone from Volvo's design department of the time nipped over to Brum to do a 'foreigner' and earn themselves a crafty few quid. That's as cold as ice these days. But I suppose the driver must be willing to sacrifice. A few things like street cred and build quality. I wonder if the buyers of new ones expected sagging sills, waiting for a curl. In terms of ugly cars; new Seats are hideous! Both inside and out.

The one and only job I have needed to do, so far, on my E36 was replacement of the heater control illumination bulb. The job went as follows: Remove radio Remove clock Remove casette storage compartment Take off heater control knobs to expose screws Unscrew screws and release clips Take of front bit of heater control panel Loosen and pull forward main heater control box Remove control cables from back of box Remove cigarette lighter, ashtray and loosen centre console trim finisher panel Manoevre heater control box out through apeture Dismantle heater control box Pull out grain of wheat lightbulb Drive to shops and buy new gain of wheat lightbulb for 40 pence Reassembly is the reverse of removal. Honestly modern cars! Well 15 years old is modern around here. To the car's credit everything was superbly put together, re-assembled perfectly and nothing broke.

Last time I priced one, cluths were bloody expensive, and you just know they're a bugger to fit too, requiring three men and a bunch of main-dealer special tools... "Cluth" - beware the Cluth and especially the Cthulthu! BAd tiems were had in the Witch House. I've never seen a manual one of those - I had previously thought they were all automatic. However I've never really been interested enough to look. Does it suffer from scuttle shake?

This works only on the assumption that one consciously goes out and buys clothes - going through some kind of agonising choice procedure beforehand. For the true autoshiter, such as me, clothes arrive on occasion when a woman who knows me decides it's time for some new ones.

I have no pictures - thus no proof - but I think I can trump all this by reporting several sightings of a J reg Vauxhall Corsa around Colchester. I haven't seen it for a few years; but as I remember it was as tatty as hell and the plate was not one that looked like a personalised add on. I truly believe that this must have been an ex demo car or running prototype or something. I have never heard of such a thing before or since.

I like this. Last car thing: changed a dashboard lightbulb on the E36. It took ages owing to utterly ludicrous complication and me doing too much of a job. The easy way involves just removing the front panel of the heater controls. My way took in complete dismantling of the centre part of the dash and fiddling with the PCB. It all went back together and now all my lights work. I was so excited I polished the thing and vacuumed the inside.

Those wheels actually came off a 1996 Fiesta Si. It's still by the side of the road on bricks. Fnarr Fnarr.

Has it been reversed down a boat launching ramp and left with its back in the sea for a few years? The front looks mega tidy; whereas the rear doors back are coated in more brown staining than a horsey girl's knickers. If I were still labouring I'd have that off you; but I'm not. I may be again however, so if anything that nasty comes up then I'll let you know. As an aside: what does the red writing in the middle of the bootlid say?