2026 Quote of the Year Thread

[adw1977]

Did we even have a 2025 quote of the year thread?

Anyway, I'll start this year's thread with this:

"Engines are like humans. You can fart underwater without harm, but try breathing..."

By @Bear in the news 24 thread, discussing driving through floodwater.

[Mr Livered]

@Samuel_Pepys_Esq:

 In truthe, I hath hadde not tyme nor wherewithal since divers monthes for to peruse the pages of Auto-Shyte, for mine last Zafira B didst suffer a most tragick ende whence the fuckinge blower resistor didst melte and cause much smoak and conflagration, whence I was picknicking atop Beacon Hill on a fine June day, and by dint of mine positioning the blaze didst cause grievous confusion some myles hence at the naval signal-tower at Lowestofte and, longe story shorte, t'were the cause of a minor misunderstandyng whereby King Charles, God preserve him! didst accidentally declare war upon the Dutch fleet under De Witt.

Therefore, have I late been since resyding at His Majesty's pleasure in the White Tower, for that cunt-bagge the Earle of Shaftesbury didst tout on me to the Naval Board, since he was still smarting acause that the Mk9 Civic he acquir'd from me, clearly marked Solde As Seen, hadst but little in the way of metallurgy affixinge the rear trailing-armes.

Therefore, mine unhappy confinement doth preclude easy attendance at the conveyance auctions at Deptforde, and hath I little access to copies of The Auto-Trader other than as bum-fodder for the privy, by whych time the bargynes are all long since solde. I hath lamentable little opportunity for to view Face-Book Marketplace or the pages of Auto-Shyte, and when I do, 'tis only for one houre on a Sunday, via a Motorola C510 which Sir Anthony Deane hath ingeniously smuggled into the Tower by means of his fundament.

I hath receiv'd word that Mrs Pepys hath sign'd up to a new Hyundai i10 for eight shillings and fivepence a monthe.

Lord have mercy on mine soule. 

[Split_Pin]

On the back of Peter C's request for help from someone with a Dymo printing device @Agila gave an account of a particularly brutal action by a so-called 'mate':

"I do but have run out stuff for it.

My mate wasted it by repeatedly typing out "sad c**t" in a big long massive strip, then left it for me to find after working on his Merc in my garage".

[St.Jude]

I’d like to nominate @rusty_vw_man’s biography of me.

 

“Based on your current automotive luck I’m expecting an update that goes:

So I had a fist full of scratch cards, and started scraping the silver off, and some of it dropped down into the steering wheel and jammed the clock spring. In a rage I screwed it up and threw it at the dash, breaking off the hazard switch, and dropping the 2p I was using down the handbrake mechanism wedging it on. After I released that I drove off, but hit a bollard as when I went to brake the balled up scratch cards stopped the pedal going down. Once I’d calmed down I scratched the next one, won £20 so went to fill up with diesel to celebrate but it was water contaminated, so now it won’t run. Whilst I waited for the breakdown man I did the last card using my key to scrape it, but the end fell off the key. When the breakdown man turned up he tried witching it on but used the lower control arm as a winch point as the garage hadn’t put the screw in towing eye back in the boot, and pulled it off. I left it on the forecourt and got a parking ticket, and when I tried to pull it off, the entire windscreen detached…..”

[Matty]

3 hours ago, St.Jude said:

fist full of scratch cards

Sounds like a really shit western

[EyesWeldedShut]

10 minutes ago, Matty said:

Sounds like a really shit western

Bet it's got a catchy tune with it though?

[Missy Charm]

14 hours ago, Matty said:

Sounds like a really shit western

It is; however, 'A Fistful of Trouser Presses' is the best Western...

[Matty]

1 minute ago, Missy Charm said:

It is; however, 'A Fistful of Trouser Presses' is the best Western...

Oh god 🤣

[catsinthewelder]

@Rust Collector brought us 

"We instead took the Clio. This worked well for about an hour, and then without warning it decided to make sad noises and shake violently on the approach to Dartford - not an inappropriate response for a sentient being, but this is a machine with only the slight malevolent sentience that French electricals allow."

Go and like it here  

https://autoshite.com/topic/45519-ill-get-round-to-it-at-some-point-a-return-to-normal-service-everything-is-broken/page/37/#comment-3409497

 

[alcyonecorporation]

On 14/02/2026 at 08:31, Missy Charm said:

It is; however, 'A Fistful of Trouser Presses' is the best Western...

shot entirely in Corby 

[alcyonecorporation]

lads i think this could go all the way to a netflix pitch 

[Kiltox]

1 hour ago, warninglight said:

If a man made it, a man can fuck around for days trying to fix it, then scrap it.

 

[adw1977]

This one by @Markeh seems worthy of nomination, if only because I don't think I've seen a post get every possible type of reaction before!