Shite racing. 24 hours of Lemons, 'merica, October.

[motorpunk]

And in print again. https://alternativecars.co

[motorpunk]

After winning "Judges choice"* at Lemons in 2022, I am building a team to win IEO in 2023 at the same race in New Hampshire. IEO means Index Of Effluence, an award for the shittest, most inappropriate racecar and/or the most heroic lash-up. To do that, I am going to buy and race an FX4 or a TX1 'black cab', stick a cage in it, add all the safety shit (fuel cut off, extinguisher, etc), slather it in self-deprecating adverts for London's least appealing tourist attractions, and race the wheels off the bastard. They've never had a black cab race there. I'd buy the car here, ship it to the US, get a mate over there to add the cage and bits, fly over and be James Hunt meets Roger Moore, and win shit. 

Is anyone interested in this? I'm happy to continue to chart my adventures in shite racing in this thread if they are. 

Ideally we would ship the car to NY, collect it there and drive it on a temporary import licence up to the circuit. If I can find a car over 25 years old then maybe it would be a permanent import. Failing that we'd import it as scrap car parts in a container, drag it onto a trailer, and tow it to the circuit. I suspect that all this will be the trickiest bit. 

Bare-faced begging: anyone want to join/give money/advice/spares/other ? We are going to need all the help we can get. 

*The equivalent of a speshul sticker given to the fat kid at school sports day just for remembering to bring his trainers. 

[horriblemercedes]

Is that 28th-29th October?

[motorpunk]

14 minutes ago, horriblemercedes said:

Is that 28th-29th October?

October 21-22: Halloween Hooptiefest – New Hampshire Motor Speedway (Loudon, NH) – Tentative

[Datsuncog]

If you're after a truly shit TX1, then Belfast's the place to be.

Also benefits you by being slightly* closer to New Hampshire.

 

Certainly interested to see how this one plays out!

[motorpunk]

43 minutes ago, Datsuncog said:

If you're after a truly shit TX1, then Belfast's the place to be.

Also benefits you by being slightly* closer to New Hampshire.

 

Certainly interested to see how this one plays out!

A '98 would be great, we could import it as an actual car and drive it around like real people, and shit. 

What would Pepys make of it all?

[Coprolalia]

1 hour ago, motorpunk said:

After winning "Judges choice"* at Lemons in 2022, I am building a team to win IEO in 2023 at the same race in New Hampshire. IEO means Index Of Effluence, an award for the shittest, most inappropriate racecar and/or the most heroic lash-up. To do that, I am going to buy and race an FX4 or a TX1 'black cab', stick a cage in it, add all the safety shit (fuel cut off, extinguisher, etc), slather it in self-deprecating adverts for London's least appealing tourist attractions, and race the wheels off the bastard. They've never had a black cab race there. I'd buy the car here, ship it to the US, get a mate over there to add the cage and bits, fly over and be James Hunt meets Roger Moore, and win shit. 

Is anyone interested in this? I'm happy to continue to chart my adventures in shite racing in this thread if they are. 

Ideally we would ship the car to NY, collect it there and drive it on a temporary import licence up to the circuit. If I can find a car over 25 years old then maybe it would be a permanent import. Failing that we'd import it as scrap car parts in a container, drag it onto a trailer, and tow it to the circuit. I suspect that all this will be the trickiest bit. 

Bare-faced begging: anyone want to join/give money/advice/spares/other ? We are going to need all the help we can get. 

*The equivalent of a speshul sticker given to the fat kid at school sports day just for remembering to bring his trainers. 

Please have "Race Taxi" stickers made up in the font/ design format of a certain naughty video producers who also use taxis...

[High Jetter]

2 hours ago, motorpunk said:

Is anyone interested in this? I'm happy to continue to chart my adventures in shite racing in this thread if they are. 

Absolutely, you mad sod. Are you going to drop a V12 into it?

[Conan]

46 minutes ago, Coprolalia said:

Please have "Race Taxi" stickers made up in the font/ design format of a certain naughty video producers who also use taxis...

Here you go.

[motorpunk]

^ Or Fake Fake Taxi?

[Conan]

Even easier to make. 🤣

[motorpunk]

5 months to go. Team is recruited (just about), we've abandoned mad ideas about shipping cars from UK to US due to cost and lack of sponsorship or sugar daddy. We will run with a repaired MX5 sporting a classic single seat Team Lotus scheme complete with 'rear engine' courtesy of a mates 3D printer, and some BRG emulsion Tim found in his shed. New suspension on order, oil leak(s) fixed/ignored, new tyres fitted, all with a wanton disregard for any engineering integrity. Hey, we prepped even less last time, and still won. That's me below, 3rd from right. Plywood trophy not pictured. 

Any bets on where we'll finish? Anyone stupid generous enough to want to pay us money to stick their name on our rusty stuff, to help fund this? It'll appear in print in various places,  maybe on the telly, I dunno. Happy photograph myself wearing your highly offensive messages on my FIA-spec flameproof undies for the price of a beer, or otherwise degrade myself to fund this nonsense. 

[Jim Bell]

1 hour ago, motorpunk said:

5 months to go. 

Any bets on where we'll finish? 

 

Finishing is good enough. I bet that. 

I don't have any of that big pants money, but if there's a GO AND FUND ME or PARTEON or whatever, i'd drop the cost of a few beers in the hat. 

[666jjp]

You forgot the lines on the wall 😁

[motorpunk]

1 hour ago, Jim Bell said:

 

Finishing is good enough. I bet that. 

I don't have any of that big pants money, but if there's a GO AND FUND ME or PARTEON or whatever, i'd drop the cost of a few beers in the hat. 

You can't just give me money, surely there has to be some painful and humiliating forfeit or something?

[Jim Bell]

26 minutes ago, motorpunk said:

You can't just give me money, surely there has to be some painful and humiliating forfeit or something?

Ok, I'll give you one pound for every Jacobs Cream Cracker you can successfully eat in one minute. 

[Jim Bell]

And no lying and saying you ate 16,000. 

[Dyslexic Viking]

27 minutes ago, Jim Bell said:

Ok, I'll give you one pound for every Jacobs Cream Cracker you can successfully eat in one minute. 

And he should film it for evidence/entertainment.

[motorpunk]

Flights booked, hire car booked, air bnb booked, racegear needs ordering, car is alive and well. OK, it's alive, at least. 

We are doing a sLotus theme, with the ghost of Colin Chapman summoning drivers from the underworld. 

[motorpunk]

Tagging in @chaseracer and @juular.

We have a full team for this event but, honestly, you'd be very welcome to tag along if you don't mind meeting us there as our team's accommodation and transport is booked solid already. We can always use bodgers, blaggers and boozers. If you wanted to join another team to race there's an excellent matchmaking service which pairs teams looking for drivers looking for mechanics looking for teams etc etc, see here for info on that. 

Back to our prep. As I've mentioned before we are all Brits bar one Yank and one Brit who lives over there already. Two of the guys have particularly  interesting stamps in their passports (Cuba, Libya, Egypt) making entry fun. I got away with a Russkie stamp in mine last time but got extra questions at the US border on entry. Why do they assume every foreigner wants to claim asylum in their poxy backward charming country? We are in-and-out for the race, that's it. 

A pic I took last year. There's a British chap who drives that Volvo, it's a lemons veteran car, I love it. 

I have ordered some Lotus cars merch for our pit garage, will add an 's' to make sLOTUS. I have also ordered a very expensive Failsworth Mariner cap, Colin Chapman type, but I have a massive head and it doesn't fit me. I look more like a gay sailor than an F1 hero. Fuck it. Here's a pic from last year;

L to R you have an Alpina specialist and part-time voice-over artist, a Welsh environmentalist teacher, an A&E Doctor who I have artfully tweaked in MS paint to remove him doing some gang sign, a VW tuning expert, me, a *ahem* retired civil servant, and a bloke who fixes computers for a pizza company. Honestly, we shit on Red Bull and wipe our arses on McLaren. 

[chaseracer]

I'm in for 2024!

[juular]

39 minutes ago, motorpunk said:

Tagging in @chaseracer and @juular.

We have a full team for this event but, honestly, you'd be very welcome to tag along if you don't mind meeting us there as our team's accommodation and transport is booked solid already. We can always use bodgers, blaggers and boozers. If you wanted to join another team to race there's an excellent matchmaking service which pairs teams looking for drivers looking for mechanics looking for teams etc etc, see here for info on that. 

Back to our prep. As I've mentioned before we are all Brits bar one Yank and one Brit who lives over there already. Two of the guys have particularly  interesting stamps in their passports (Cuba, Libya, Egypt) making entry fun. I got away with a Russkie stamp in mine last time but got extra questions at the US border on entry. Why do they assume every foreigner wants to claim asylum in their poxy backward charming country? We are in-and-out for the race, that's it. 

A pic I took last year. There's a British chap who drives that Volvo, it's a lemons veteran car, I love it. 

I have ordered some Lotus cars merch for our pit garage, will add an 's' to make sLOTUS. I have also ordered a very expensive Failsworth Mariner cap, Colin Chapman type, but I have a massive head and it doesn't fit me. I look more like a gay sailor than an F1 hero. Fuck it. Here's a pic from last year;

L to R you have an Alpina specialist and part-time voice-over artist, a Welsh environmentalist teacher, an A&E Doctor who I have artfully tweaked in MS paint to remove him doing some gang sign, a VW tuning expert, me, a *ahem* retired civil servant, and a bloke who fixes computers for a pizza company. Honestly, we shit on Red Bull and wipe our arses on McLaren. 

*furiously tippexes out the Russkie stamp in my passport*

When is this please?

[juular]

On 2/16/2023 at 4:20 PM, motorpunk said:

October 21-22: Halloween Hooptiefest – New Hampshire Motor Speedway (Loudon, NH) – Tentative

Never mind, I need to learn to read.

[chaseracer]

4 hours ago, juular said:

Never mind, I need to learn to read.

You cook geometric breakfasts.  This is entirely sufficient.

😎

[motorpunk]

4 hours ago, juular said:

Never mind, I need to learn to read.

That's last years date. It's 28-29th oct

[juular]

11 hours ago, motorpunk said:

That's last years date. It's 28-29th oct

Sadly this means we're out      

Since I work in a school my holidays are fixed, but I get a week in October - the one before this!

[motorpunk]

I've had a great idea. I'm going to bribe the officials. 

https://www.gofundme.com/f/money-needed-to-bribe-us-motorsport-officials

Let's see how this goes...

[motorpunk]

5 hours ago, motorpunk said:

I've had a great idea. I'm going to bribe the officials. 

https://www.gofundme.com/f/money-needed-to-bribe-us-motorsport-officials

Let's see how this goes...

Bloody hell! People are actually sending real money! Wow!!

[motorpunk]

It may amuse you to know that, today, someone donated a 50 million dollar Zimbabwean note to our bribery cause today. 

We will do literally ANYTHING in return for you contributing to our bribe fund - https://www.gofundme.com/f/money-needed-to-bribe-us-motorsport-officials - try me

[motorpunk]

One week until we fly. I've actually got my own FIA-spec medium sized race suit now which confirms my fears that although I was once a medium, I am definitely a large. I own a pair of FIA-spec socks, too, and two pairs of skanky-smelling race gloves. I have the wardrobe of an F1 star!

The car (pics later) is now BRG and looks, from a distance, vaguely like an old Lotus racer of some sort, with a 3D printed engine on the bootlid. Our Lotus theme extends to team members who will dress as famous characters from Hethel's past, including a John deLorean with a pair of fake eyebrows and a prosthetic chin made from a yoghurt put and glue. Details are important. 

Shitting myself a little bit, but also excited...