eBay Lexicon

[rml2345]

^ On a similar note, would they allow it to be taken to the secret* Autoshite test facility in Wales and be driven Samara style repeatedly?

[Junkman]

Nothing major - completely borked

Needs looking at - needs replacement

[rml2345]

Has character - Fucked.

[Parky]

"Clutch a bit high, probably just needs adjusting"

Clutch fucked. Replacement requires many, many special tools and replacement requires many many more profanities than you have learned....

 

"Could do with two tyres"

Tyres fucked and are also metric sized so mega expensive if you can find any. I have spent months looking for a pair.....

 

"Chip on windscreen but should be fine for MOT"

Windscreen fucked and made of unobtanium

 

"Brakes need bleeding"

Master cylinder borked, hoses perished and calipers seized. All parts are unobtanium which is why I am selling it

 

"head gasket replaced last month with MLS version, new oil rail, the full works - £££s spent"

I wanged in some K-Seal and am crossing my fingers

[Junkman]

A few paint bubbles here and there, nothing serious -

 

It.

Is.

Rotten.

As.

A.

Pear.

[Junkman]

Excellent runner - It is rotten as a pear AND the interior is fucked.

[Junkman]

Selling this on behalf of my... - ...arse.

[Junkman]

Needs new tyres - It's not worth putting new tyres on it.

[rml2345]

"No reserve auction!!!"

I really REALLY want rid of this heap. 

[HH-R]

I love the adverts where the car is lovingly described as a total peach for paragraphs then at the end there are some "slight* issues" mentioned that translate into "totally fucked".

[EssDeeWon]

Well written and well described car adverts are so few and far between nowadays...

 

In the old days car ads were limited to maybe 30 or 40 words so sellers just listed the essential info and the rest was covered off over a phone call.

 

Ebay and their no limit descriptions has opened up a whole new breed of mouth breathing wanna be dealers trying to descibe rubbish as 'L@@K BARGAIN WOW ONE OWNER LOW MILEAGE FULLSERVICEHISTORY WILL ONLY APPRECIATE IN VALUE PLATE WORTH ££££££ 1 MONTHS MOT MINT M8 BE QUICK FIRST TO SEE WILL BUY TURNS HEADS SHOW CAR

[Junkman]

You forgot "UNIQUE" and "RETRO".

[sierraman]

I can't be doing with the X Factoresque sob story... 'My dad loved this car, he would want it to go to an enthusiast' or 'If I don't get £15,000 for this car I'll just stuck it back in the garage/crush it/ give it away/smash it to bits in a fit of temper'

 

Another one is 'these cars are fetching big money' on a terminally rotten Granada that's more rust than metal.

[jonny69]

"Clutch a bit high, probably just needs adjusted"

 

Fixed that for you.

 

What the F***. Get the tense right, PLEASE.

[vulgalour]

What you see is what you get - it's not.  In reality it's far, far worse.  It's what you can't see that's the real problem.

[twitcherman]

"Above average condition" - washed

 

"Good condition" - washed & polished

 

"Very good condition" - washed, polished & ashtrays emptied

 

"Immaculate condition" - washed, polished, ashtrays emptied, hoovered out

 

"Showroom condition" - as immaculate, with the addition of tyre blacking.

[vulgalour]

New tyres - one tin of tyre bullshit per outside tyre wall.

[Luckythirteen]

"Plenty of tread on the tyres" - maybe so, but they've been kerbed so often the sidewalls look like Saturn's rings. Don't want the free nails either, you can keep them

 

"Easily returned to standard, parts included" - provided of course the original parts weren't fucked in the first place. Then left in a damp shed for two years. And new replacements aren't mortgage expensive/made of unobtanium.

[eddyramrod]

 'these cars are fetching big money' on a terminally rotten Granada that's more rust than metal.

 

I can personally vouch for the fact that even the best examples fetch bugger-all, unless I happen to decide once again that I can live with the inhuman driving position, useless heater and inadequate brakes, and make a third attempt at owning a Granada; should that day dawn, there will be nothing anywhere at less than London-semi prices.   Guaranteed.

[Parky]

"All parts needed to complete come with the car"

 

O RLY?

[Luckythirteen]

"Ideal kit car donor" - it's circling the drain, but I'm hoping you'll turn up, pay for a complete car to make your kit build easier, and not look at it too closely until you start to strip it. When you'll find you'd have been easier (and cheaper) inventing a time machine, and going back to when it was new, and buying a new one.

[fred]

'Once in a lifetime chance to get this' -  So is Ebola and I dont want that either

[EssDeeWon]

*New Brakes / Clutch / Tyres / Just Serviced*

 

Yeah right because everyone does that just before selling a car. Its either had the above work done about 2 years ago, or a dealer is talking out his ass.

[sierraman]

Unfinished project - a Spitfire, with rotten chassis, fucked crank, rat ingested interior and a myriad of rims with assorted bald makes of tyres. Entire lot is scattered amongst various bits that may or may not have come from a car, let alone a Spitfire, in several boxes. What's left of the chassis covered in wob and grey primer described as 'welding all done' most of the small but crucial unobtainable bits are missing presumed sold on ebay... Ideal enthusiast...

[xtriple]

*New Brakes / Clutch / Tyres / Just Serviced*

 

Yeah right because everyone does that just before selling a car. Its either had the above work done about 2 years ago, or a dealer is talking out his ass.

Isn't that EXACTLY what all of us do? I certainly spend fortunes on heaps and then sell them. Usually boredom or frustration gets the better of me.

[Junkman]

Nah, our cars have second hand 'themstillgoodM8' brake pads from the scrappie, bellhousings filled with ash and part worns.

[fred]

'Excellent pre accident condition'  - Bit Like Princess Diana then

[Station]

"I've removed the engine and gearbox but the car is complete" - I've removed the engine and gearbox but the car is complete, apart from all the useful stuff I've removed that you won't know about until you get home and find out, which I will then put on eBay, as I'm a crafty shit, also I haven't simply unplugged a connector, I've cut it off. On the car side of course. Oh, I also took the wipers as spares.

 

There's also woodscrews and scotchblocks present.

[EssDeeWon]

In a Tony Blackburn style accent here are the Top 5 Mongbay most annoying quotes...

 

In at 5 this week is "the car was laid up in 1997, now seized but was running fine before it was laid up"

At 4 is "Will only appreciate in value"

Down to 3 is that old favourite "Needs minor attention, easy fix"

In at 2 is that "unfinished project, all parts are there to complete"

And so to this weeks number one, yes you guessed friends its "Mot just expired, should pass no problems"

 

You've been listing to pick of the plops with essdeewon.

[Parky]

Not arf!