eBay Lexicon

[Twiggy]

"One private owner from new..............."

 

The other 7 were an assortment of car hire firms.......

[sierraman]

A Dutch fella called Hertz Van Rental...

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

"Will try to get it fixed before the end of the auction"  = No I won't, I'm lying.

 

 

"Just needs a fuse" = Then why haven't you done it already?

[Bren]

One of my favourites:

 

Was running when parked up in 1983: Certainly won't work now and is completely and utterly fucked + i'm clutching at straws in trying to make the thing sound like its actually worth buying when in-fact its a shit heap

Reminds me of a job I had - when something packed in - welder etc. I would tell the foreman. I got the same reply every time -

 

" IT WAS ALRIGHT YESTERDAY."

 

One day I pointed out to him that what he was saying was utterly fucking pointless, and that the titanic was alright when it left Southampton.

[Jim Bell]

I KNOW WHAT THESE ARE WORTH = I want more money than people will pay, so will keep relisting at ever decreasing prices untill the tax and mot run out, whereupon it will be listed as spares or repairs, still with a reserve, still at a value above what people will pay had it a full mot and six months tax.

[dugong]

'Needs restore' - I'm an idiot who uses Americanisms. 

[dugong]

 

 

Former glory - It didn't have any to begin with.

How every Oasis song in the past twenty years was written.

[drum]

Formerly owned by a doctor - I'm appealing to your middle class snobbery

[Hairy Bob]

One lady owner - Flat tyres, no oil and an interior full of poop...but it does have a nice air freshener.

[EssDeeWon]

^Haha I forgot about the 'Doctor owned' claim, so friggin what if it was?

 

That is usually used by bottom end dealers trying to squeeze some profit from a £900 car.

[SambaS]

NEED IT GONE

[I_am_Diesel]

BREAKS NEED WORK

 

It's BRAKES you idiot.

[RichardMoss]

"aircon needs a regas" - but only after replacement of the holed condensor and all the seals in the compressor

 

Formerly owned by a doctor - I'm appealing to your middle class snobbery

Harold Shipman's Renault Espace was owned by a doctor.

[brickwall]

I think it's the.... -  Haven't a scoob what makes a car do stuff

[Junkman]

A few age related marks -  Cars are living creatures, and like humans, develop wrinkles, creases, and scars as they age, all on their own.

[DeeJay]

Scuffs on bumbers.

[Luckythirteen]

One family owned, from new... and if mother thinks you're suitable when you turn up to view it, you will be too. *Gets relisted every time cousin Deke wears another human out*

[Sigmund Fraud]

Formerly owned by a doctor - I'm appealing to your middle class snobbery

 

Alternative explanations include :

 

-"thrashed mercilessly, the bonnet has never been opened between the 12000 mile services"

-"interior never cleaned since new, the local Ukrainian valeter had to wear disposable overalls and charged me £100 to clean the fucker"

-"previous owner had a honorary doctorate in musicology"

[Jikovron]

The engine doesn't smoke, rattle or knock and no oil mixes with the water: I am relieving the motor vehicle of its duties as its mileage suggests it soon will be doing that and so much more.

 

'Genuine reason for sale' gap filling statement of no value,,akin to pointless small talk with people who have nothing in common 

[dugong]

LOW MILEAGE BUT IN USE EVERY DAY SO MILEAGE WILL INCREASE 

[Brian Damage]

This is one of the reasons I love coming on here.  It never fails to cheer me up.  There are some brilliant ones on here.  "the oil is so old it's got dinosaur bones in it" really cracked me up!  Keep them coming!

[Junkman]

Break = brake

 

Brake = break

 

Brought = bought

 

Bought = brought

 

Low mileage car - it's such a miserable piece of tosh that nobody ever drove it, unless he had absolutely no alternative.

 

Formerly celebrity owned - it's even more fucked up than Christine Keeler.

 

Classic car - scrap metal.

 

Retro - 2002 or newer.

 

Classic Car, Retro - 2002 or newer scrap metal.

[I_am_Diesel]

One of the best examples around.

 

That means it's slightly less shit than all the other shit on the road.

[Luckythirteen]

Belonged to a Doctor... Doctor Who that is: wiring bodged with tape and a special screwdriver that makes cars start. Hmmm...smells like a Slitheen died in there. See also: 'timewarp condition'

[brickwall]

One lady owner -  Insured in mum's name, driving by a wee dick.

[Alusilber]

"Highly sort after" = I don't know how to spell "sought".

[RichardMoss]

Let's not forget that the "interia" is usually mint and often fitted with "Ricardo" seats (the ones on an 800 Vitesse have Recaro written on them!).

 

I get annoyed when I see the car"s model name mis-spelled: Rover STIRLING? Is that some sort of Scottish special edition (perhaps a play on words thanks to its independent suspension). Just look at the f***ing bootlid!

[brickwall]

Agreed. "Interia" always makes me giggle

[Jim Bell]

"Unfurnished project" = bucket seats were stolen out of it when in a lock up. Probably left the weld-on gear knob.

 

"Registered as 1.1. Up to new owner to change V5" = botched engine swap. Won't idle.

 

"Must sell, need the space" = impending catastrophic failure. Nobody needs the amount of space that a taxed and tested car takes up, more than they need a car.

 

"Turns heads where ever it goes" = no matter where I take it, nobody will look at it.

 

"Custom Graffix" = shopping list, tribal dragon, racsist slogan.

[eddyramrod]

"Must sell, need the space" = impending catastrophic failure. Nobody needs the amount of space that a taxed and tested car takes up, more than they need a car.

 

That's one I would take issue with.  If I want something to replace the MR2 I really need to get the MR2 out first, as I don't have anywhere to keep it.  Who can justify having three cars in a two-person household, in a terraced street where another house also has two cars?  So it is possible that one could be true.  Although statistically, that translation could apply anyway.