Don't ring Holly (tales of new shit)

[Partridge]

Until last week, I'd never driven a brand new car. The Mercedezz has got done up the jacksie at a roundabout, and while I'm waiting for a mechanic to come round and tell me on a scale of 9.5 to 10 how borked my car is, I'm runnung about in a 64 plate Fruad Fester as "Like for like replacement" . This is as new as it gets and was only driven off Southampton docks a day before it reached me, and had 27 miles on the clock when it arrived! Not only does the "64" number plate look stuuuuudipp, the car dosen't work half the time. Apprently this Ford has this "stop start" Yew-rope-eean bullshit. It really is horrible hearing your car conk out out traffic lights and junctions, so you can't tell if you've stalled or not. And you can't just get in it and go. You need to despress the clutch first. And then I get the order of when you turn the key and depress the clutch mixed up and end up piddling about for ages and swearing. Not great when you need to get to work.

 

It also has blueteeth, so I thought I'd make the effort to use the thing seems as it's in my custody. I tried to connect my phone, and after more swearing I found out the reason why my phone was being such a pain was because it needed updating. So I wasted an entire evening updating my a million year old blackberry.

 

When the thing was connected I the car spoke to me, and sounds like an ET's camp cousin gargling underwater, and it's incapable of doing anything right. I tried to phone home to test it out while I was on the drive:

 

Me: "Phone home."

 

Car: "Would you like to be connected to...HOLLY...MOBILE?"

 

Me: "No."

 

Car: *nothing*

 

Me: "No, do not connect."

 

Car: *nothing*

 

Me: "Do not ring Holly mobile."

 

Car: "Calling...HOLLY...MOBILE"

 

Me: "No!"

 

Car: *dail tone*

 

Me: "Ahh cancel!"

 

Holly: "Hi, you OK?"

 

Me: "Oh, for fuck's sake!"

 

Holly: "Why are you swearing at me?"

 

Me: "I'm not, I'm swearing at this FUCKING NEW CAR!"

 

(true story)

 

The the car itself is worryingly bad for a new car. With Fords reputation for being OMGAMAZINGTODRIVE! I thought it would be lovely, but's horrid. The gear shift feels way, way, way too artifical and short, meaning you never know if its in gear or not when you go set off. I keep putting it in 3rd when I go to pull away and stall, and just put it half in first half out and grind the gears. (I guess that's why hire cars come back stuffed, because they give them to gimboids like me who don't know how to drive them). The steering does feel nice, but the whole car feels skitty and nervous, like it's had one coffee too many at breakfast.

 

It's a nightmare to get around country lanes, or any kind of lane. The rear window is tiny and hides entire buildings in it's pillars (I'm not joking) and the fact that it's a weird shape makes it pretty buttock clenching to drive down anywhere narrow. My Merc was/is easier to drive down lanes in the middle of nowhere because it dosen't have bits sticking out where it should be flat! I thought my car was pretty modern, but now I've driven this it seems quite old school.

 

Driving this has confrimed to me that ALL MODERNZ R RUB8ISH, but i really want my shite back, and bad!

[gordonbennet]

What the hell comes over people that they go out and get themselves up to the arse in debt to buy this modern shit, Christ i used to deliver the shit by the thousand and the only new vehicle i ever bought was a Hilux.

 

So glad its not just me who's underwhelmed to the 12th degree with Fordz in particular, just soddin disappointing all round, don't think the just replaced work Fessta pool car had stop start, mind you it was so bloody unerpowered it felt like it WAS in stop permanently, bloody junk.

 

The replacement Focarse does apparently have SS but i haven't had the displeasure of the heap of dung yet, my mate assures me its crappo of the highest shitness and he spent 10 minutes trying to shut everything automatic down before he drove away, especially the poxy SS.

 

I love my old MB and its solid lorry style switches, just sit in it in comfort and drive the bloody thing, doesn't make a scrap of difference if you're doing 30 or 130 it just does what you ask of it every time, hope you get yours fixed or enough payout to get another bugger,

[dollywobbler]

Must concede, I find the current Fiesta quite a pleasant thing to tool around in - by modern standards. I had one as a hire car for a day and covered plenty of miles in it (Peterborough to Wiltshire and back). The only problems for me where the typical lack of visibility and a ride that was too firm. Leaps and bounds better than the previous model Fiesta though. They're just absolutely horrible.

[Squire_Dawson]

The trouble is that cars aren't really cars anymore, apart from simple transport they're made to do a hundred and one other things aswell.

[Partridge]

You said it!

What the hell comes over people that they go out and get themselves up to the arse in debt to buy this modern shit,

[Guest Breadvan72]

Yesterday I had a ride in a goppingly hideous "new" (actually old, but tarted up by some Chinese piss takers) MG Wing Wang Saloon that a mate had rented.   1.8 Turbo rubbish, delivering lag and high fuel consumption but feck all boost.  It was impossible to see out of, with its pillars thicker than a Jeremy Kyle guest, its huge high panel sporting tiny wanky instruments, and it's beetle-browed small windscreen.    It was truly hideous to behold and shit in every way.

 

I quite like my old mum's 2009 Fiesta, though.  It has a giffermatic box with a switchable semi-manual bit so you can hoolie it around .  It's crap at going up hills as it weighs more than 18 Tiger Tanks and has an engine even tinier than my knob, but it's mostly not too bad. 

[Partridge]

It was truly hideous to behold and shit in

Did you leave the hire company a present?

[eddyramrod]

Until last week, I'd never driven a brand new car. .............. a 64 plate

 

Is it September already???

[Des]

I too have had a Merc suffer a pounding from behind, in my case this humiliation was exacerbated by the provision of a new Vauxhall.

Someone elses new car to thrash should be one of lifes most exquisite pleasures, for the time I had it I tried using it a couple of times, then left it parked for the rest of the Month. Might I be so bold as to suggest all new cars r shit?

[Guest Breadvan72]

Did you leave the hire company a present?

 

 

Honestly, if I had, no one would have noticed as the whole thing was such a Kharzi already.

[brickwall]

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

I bet stop/start is okay if you haven't spent your entire driving career shitting yourself every time your engine falters momenterily at the lights. 

[Partridge]

Is it September already???

That's what it says! I'll get a picture later to show you.

[Partridge]

Oh no my bad I've just checked it says 14

[trigger]

It must have been registered wrong then as "14" plates only came out 10 days ago.

[Partridge]

For anyone who cares, here it is.

It's on my folks drive and quite often my Dad's 5 series is there...it dosen't look that much bigger than the Ultimate Driving Machine.

For the pedants:

[EssDeeWon]

Honestly, if you removed the badges that could be almost anything new to me. NOT MAZDA, TOYOTA, KIA ETC..

 

The only good thing about these modern boxes is that you can easily spot and pap the tat still on offer. You can spot a MK2 Festa or Volvo 240 coming a 100 miles off now amongst all this new stuff.

[Partridge]

I also think it looks a bit like a trainer.

[Felly Magic]

The wheels look tiny on it, thanks to the slab sided-ness of the design, and I hate stop-start bollocks, driven Pugrats fitted with it, and it does my nut in

[NorfolkNWeigh]

You're doing this credit hire/ insurance fraud/ ambulance chasing wrong.

A Fista for a Merc? Pathetic effort. You need at least an AMG 6.3 CLS at £750 per day .

[Partridge]

The wheels look tiny on it, thanks to the slab sided-ness of the design, and I hate stop-start bollocks, driven Pugrats fitted with it, and it does my nut in

To be fair, that's not the most flattering angle, but stop-start is a pain in the arse isn't it?

[Bobthebeard]

I also think it looks a bit like a trainer.

It also looks like most* of the cars parked up on any modern housing development. How soul destroying must it be to actually get into debt to look just like the people next door?

[trigger]

If i was to buy one I'd get the 1.0 3 cyl turbo model with 125 bhp, they really do fly and drive really nice.

[New POD]

My sister Paid CASH (well cheque) for a Brand NEW 59 reg 1.25 Festo Ford in Sick Green. 

 

I've not been in it yet.  She phoned me the other week, in a blind panic to say she thought she might have put the wrong fuel in it.

 

Yeah, but no, cause Super Unleaded isn't really a problem.

 

She had a PhD, and an MChem and a BSc but has NEVER read the owners manual, checked the oil, or tyre pressures.

[DSdriver]

I don't know about moderns but I find the lack of all around visibility in the XM estate a bit scary compared to the DS Safari. Its good for exercising the reversing using just mirrors skills though. And I haven't scratched or dented it yet which is more than can be said for the previous owners.

[dugong]

I also think it looks a bit like a trainer.

 

This is how you market a car to THE YOUNG ONES these days. A lad on my course wants a DS3 for his first car "because it reminds me of my favourite Vans".

 

This makes me sad. So very, very sad.  He wants a DS3 Racing. I told him they were godawful and a 306 GTI-6 would murder it where it counts on a back road, but he didn't care. 

 

WHO WILL LOOK AFTER OUR SHITE WHEN WE'RE GONE? THE DAILY MAIL?

 

If i was to buy one I'd get the 1.0 3 cyl turbo model with 125 bhp, they really do fly and drive really nice.

 

I drove the Fiat 500 TwinAir equivalent - which sounded like it was going to explode at any moment and gave a startling 28MPG after being thrapped between Manchester City Centre and Northwich. The interior gave me a headache and the radio would only pick up Real XS. 

 

SUMMARY : EURGH, UNPLEASANT.

[mercrocker]

Vile as  it is I would in any case resist any fob-off attempt to have  a courtesy car.   I did it once.   Some twat bonked my Mk2 Granny and I was given an N reg Lagunatic (this was a very long time ago).    Bastard thing refused  to start in a filling station - apparently something electronickery in the garage interfered with it.   But the real point of my tale was the bum-rape that almost ensued because of tiny marks on the car that I DID NOT  put there.  It seems any kind of vehicle rentage these days is an excuse to tip out your credit card and I can only imagine that this has got worse, rather than better,  over  the years.    I always refuse a courtesy car for this reason.   Plus if you really need another  car its a GR8 excuse to waste a couple of hundred on that chod you always wanted to see how bad it was.   At least your limiting your liability!

[dugong]

Vile as  it is I would in any case resist any fob-off attempt to have  a courtesy car.   I did it once.   Some twat bonked my Mk2 Granny and I was given an N reg Lagunatic (this was a very long time ago).    Bastard thing refused  to start in a filling station - apparently something electronickery in the garage interfered with it.   But the real point of my tale was the bum-rape that almost ensued because of tiny marks on the car that I DID NOT  put there.  It seems any kind of vehicle rentage these days is an excuse to tip out your credit card and I can only imagine that this has got worse, rather than better,  over  the years.    I always refuse a courtesy car for this reason.   Plus if you really need another  car its a GR8 excuse to waste a couple of hundred on that chod you always wanted to see how bad it was.   At least your limiting your liability!

Agree in the affirmative.

 

When I spun my C4 in some standing water they gave me a 'like sized equivalent' Chevrolet Matiz. It was filthy, running on fumes and had two borderline illegal barge fenders for front tyres. I despised it so much I drove it in third everywhere. Down the main drag at 30? Third. Going to the call centre off the motorway 75 mph? Third.

 

Despite promising me the car for the period my Citroen was off the road, they decided they wanted it back after a fortnight. I explained that my good self and the Matiz were in Carlisle at the time, and that they were welcome to collect it. They didn't like that, so I put the phone down on them.

 

I got the train back and smoked around in my [as-bought] Amazon for the rest of the repair period. I booked an 'appointment' to give the keys back and did just that. I gave them their keys back with a copy of the email they sent me with the phrase 'courtesy car for the time your vehicle is being repaired' highlighted in best moody neighbour-down-the-road yellow.

 

I'm not sure if they went and got the car back. It could still be there as far as I know.

[mat_the_cat]

It seems any kind of vehicle rentage these days is an excuse to tip out your credit card

 

Last time I hired a car it was on holiday abroad. The price seemed fair, but on collecting the keys we were charged for a full tank of fuel (you bring it back empty and they fill it). Fair enough, but the price they charged for the tank was 50% more than a complete fill to capacity from dry! Plus, I bet the people who only rented it for a short period never even got close to empty, especially on a small island. This made me angry.

 

So,I made damn certain I got my money's worth. Drove the last 60 miles with the gauge on empty and the warning light on, much to the displeasure of my wife as any significant delay would have caused us to miss the plane. Once we were within sight (and walking distance!) of the airport though, that was it. Headlights, HRW, AC all on, handbrake up a couple of notches and full throttle to the red line with every gear change. Even left it idling while we unpacked the bags, but to my annoyance it didn't run dry. Still, made me feel better and I certainly wouldn't ever worry about accidentally running out of fuel in a Mk6 Fiesta...

[rml2345]

 

This is how you market a car to THE YOUNG ONES these days. A lad on my course wants a DS3 for his first car "because it reminds me of my favourite Vans".

 

 

Brilliant idea, the DS3 does look quite like a van. First company to make their new MPV look like a Bedford CA will get money hurled at them. 

On a more serious note; Are all moderns really that shit? My limited experience of new or nearly new cars suggests that none of them ride properly, some are quite nice inside and you can't see out of them. Radios have come on a bit as well. 

Stop start is an idiotic idea though as one day it will just stop and that'll be it.