I HAZ NU BARGE

[HereHareHere]

 

Behold my glorious 1998 820 Sterling coupe, manual, p/xed for my Maestro with Ladalout down in Horsham. I’d really wanted a Vitesse or an auto 827, but so far I’m delighted with this thing. It really is a huge old boat, longer than the saloon or fastback - this has ensured rather a mixed reception from the neighbours, as parking is a bit of an issue in our road and I’ve just made a land-grab for a massive proportion of it. LIVE WITH IT, FUGGERS.

 

Beyond the abysmal turning circle it’s a top drive. Steering is ace and it goes round corners with much less wallowing than I’d expected. The (138k) two-litre lump bowls it along smartly enough – cruised happily back up the M23 at 90mph, but despite that I seem to be getting around 28-30mpg so far, which isn’t bad. Insurance is only £80 more than I was paying for the Maestro. GET IN.

 

Interior-wise the massive leather seats are just stupidly comfortable, though grey wouldn’t have been my choice. I also love the way the bland and utilitarian Jap-look dash does its best to undermine the crusty golf-club-president hide ‘n’ walnut vibe. Ladalout reinstalled the original Rover radio-cassette, with a CD changer in the boot. A/C blows supa-cold.

 

It’s got a selection of the usual leccy issues – windows are crazy-assed muthas, and I have but fitful access to steering-wheel stereo controls and in-seat arse-warmers. The passenger seat tilts in 15 different ways but doesn’t move backwards or forwards. Hopefully all these can be sorted out with a resoldered fuseboard (chief “they all do that†Rover 800 culprit). Does well in terms of other generic downfalls though: the remote locking is fine, there are no leaks into the boot or cabin, and the almost standard T16 oil leak from the front of the head gasket is hardly noticeable (or at least it’s camouflaged by a modest oil leak from the rocker-cover gasket). Other than that it doesn’t look like a 138k engine bay – there’s absolutely no service history with it, but Ladalout reckoned it had been well cared for.

 

There’s an unsightly wiper-scratch arc on the passenger side of the windscreen (can anything be done about this?), a fair few scrapes on the bumpers and a 5p rust scab in the middle of the driver’s door. Very modest bubbling on one sill – also on some of the arches, which Ladalout has attended to in the proper Autoshite manner: ‘silver Hammerite turned out to be a pretty good colour match’.

 

In fact the only significant blights are some horrific wind noise through the wing-mirror area of the driver’s window (Ladalout said he’d tried and failed to rectify this), and the look of the (standard Sterling) wheels. I know Lord Sterling won’t appreciate me saying so, but I don’t think they suit the car at all – apart from anything else they’re just too ruddy small. I love the 17†six-spoke Vitesse coupe alloys, and if I can find a set for decent money I’ll be whacking them on. First item on the shopping list though is a decent soldering iron (current one I have is a half-watt DDR-manufactured thing with a tip like an iron saveloy). Second: an eBay reversing-sensor kit (the boot on these is the size of Heathrow Airport, and the last booted vehicle I owned was a P6 2200, 20 years ago).

 

Been interesting to discover how little love there is for these amongst the General Motoring Public at present. Neighbours think I've had a taste transplant (and let's bear in mind here that this car replaces a Maestro). My dad (who owned both a 1969 P6 3500 and a 1976 3500 SD1 from new) looked slightly embarrassed in the koop's presence and later pronounced it “totally naffâ€Â. But what does he know? To my mind these are nailed-on future classics (as ever, “future†in this context means just after I’ve got rid of it).

[ashmicro]

Rover 800 Coupe's are made of wood, leather and purest WIN! Good buy Sir.

[Rocket88]

Exceedingly groovesome. My other 'alf had a four door 827 saloon and the same in hatchback. Never a moment's trouble with either. Have to agree about the photocopier salesman's shoes seats though.....................

[Alexg]

Good on you HHH! Glad you seem to have found yourself a 'good' one. I remember when these were launched, I was about 11 and dead excited, I loved the 800 and thought the coupe' looked wonderful! Infact I was so taken by it that I remember being upset and disappointed when I excitedly flipped open Autocar Magazine to find a rather piss-poor assessment...

[garethj]

Good score, H-H-H. It's just what the successful Maestro driver would have dreamed of as a replacement

 

When I started work, I joined the company that made quite a bit of the electrics for these. I remember the window and mirror switches being made, and we had a Rover 800 door as a demonstrator of the anti-trap system for the electric windows. The 800 koop has the longest door fitted to a British production car I believe...

 

The anti-trap system was designed that if a kiddie stuck his head out the window then trod on the window switch, it wouldn't behead the little mite. We used to demonstrate this by putting a hand between top of the glass and door frame, and hitting the power. The window would glide up, touch your hand and then retract by a few inches. A visiting sales rep tried this with his finger and it came out shaped like a spoon. The system needs to find quite a lot of resistance before stopping

 

We also made the radio and cruise switches for the Rover 25s and late 800s and had to liaise with the steering wheel manufacturer to get 3D data to make sure the parts fitted together. On a visit to the steering wheel supplier you could tell they were a quality outfit, the operator would put a fag in his mouth and light it off the hot welds on the steering wheel. You wouldn't get that at Mercedes

[HereHareHere]

Thanks, men. Can well believe it about those doors – they’re like fuggin five-bar farm gates. Also the Austin-Rover window-resistance design squad seem to have overcompensated for their earlier failings, as my windows are happy to wind themselves down three inches without any obstructions present.

 

There’s a strangely satisfying symmetry in going from the cheapest British car you could buy in 1998 to one of the most ambitiously priced. When the koop was launched in 1991 it came in at over 30 grand, FFS! Though I imagine by the time my one rolled off the lines they were going for rather less than that.

 

Yeah, Autocar were mercilessly scathing but Clarkson was actually pretty positive about the ’91 launch model (though he prefaces this review by literally trashing an SD1):

[dollywobbler]

Nice one. Smallest engine obviously makes it score highly on shite points, though it's probably the one to have really. Like you, I'd be all over a V6 one, but then I'd be crying every time I filled it up.

[barrett]

I really like these things, they are proper barges, in that they are massive, impractical and unwanted and consequesntly worthless. They have a vague hint of retired Tory peer about them, great for making commoners move out of your way. Love this colour on them too.

I could quite easily see myself in one of these in a few years , if the dead dinos haven't run out completely by then

[Guest Leonard Hatred]

Great read.

It's odd that the dashboard is 'Jap-look' as I think it was designed by Rover. The interior was fairly bleak in my early R17 825D but the Sterling must be grand to sit inside.

The T-series is a lusty engine, I think it's better suited to a big car than a lot of its 2.0 rivals.

I'd like to try a post-facelift one, it sounds like they sorted out the inert steering and wallowy handling.

[cort16]

I think there's quite a lot of love for these out there for these as they're a bit different and the interiors (other than the dash) are always well spiffy looking.

I'd happily drive it. Good work.

[Station]

Think the collaboration with Japan and Rover on these produced amazing cars that tick all the boxes for me! I love these Rovers.

[VWPowered]

cant be many of those still around

[chaseracer]

cant be many of those still around

Weren't too many to start with!

 

Nice purchase - approve

[Gompo]

Nice one HHH - I'm slightly disappointed you hadnt attempted at buying something off an obscure auction site, but you dont get much cooler than an 800 coupe.

[Father Ted]

Exceedingly groovesome. My other 'alf had a four door 827 saloon and the same in hatchback. Never a moment's trouble with either. Have to agree about the photocopier salesman's shoes seats though.....................

Hey, I worked as a photocopier salesman in 1988. For 3 months. I had grey shoes then too

 

Nice motor

[Rhythm Thief]

Nice. Not just shite, but unusual shite too. Good stuff.

[Shep Shepherd]

Nice car! A keeper?

[Cavcraft]

That's class and no mistaking. Have you tried toothpaste on the wiper arc? Not something I've tried myself but people do say it works.

[scooters]

nice and top review

[myglaren]

That looks a first class purchase. Nothing naff about it at all.

 

For the windscreen, try Autosol and a lambswool mop on a hand drill. I put a new (from a scrappy) screen in my 265 and when I washed the crap off it it was scored to buggery. A few hours with the above kit put it right though (it was really badly scored over a large area, probably won't be as bad on yours.

[Skizzer]

I spent a very happy half hour browsing round Machine Mart the other day, and they had kits for fixing windscreen scratches for a few quid. Toothpaste sounds more Autoshite though.

 

Excellent acquisition, sir I'm feeling a lot of love for 800 coupes at the moment, and Mrs Skizzer thinks they look nice too (possibly because she hasn't realised how big they are). Next on the list after I clear some driveway space, I think.

[HereHareHere]

I’ve piloted the State Barge of Chiswick on a few decent voyages now, so time for an update.

 

(1) After a twisty-roady trip through the Cotswolds I think I’d better moderate my early paeans to its crisp handling. Car’s a right royal wallower. That’s OK though, as I expected it to be (in fact almost wanted it to be), and in any case I shan’t be doing much twisty-roady business. I’ve covered about 300 miles on six-lane blacktops and can confirm that this big boy, even with the relatively poxy two-litre lump, really is one sweet-assed cruiser (apart from that fuggin wind noise… beginning to think it’s down to the frameless doors and I’m just going to have to live with it).

 

(2) Should really have explained before that the dash itself isn’t Jap-look – it’s more the dials, which look like they've come straight out of an Accord (probably have).

LOOK HERE NOW:

 

In fact the overall feel of the dash, like the cornering, is American – or rather some weird placca walnut attempt to chime with the American interpretation of the ‘Briddish’ look. I love it! You have to remember that this car was designed and built by Rover to crack the States, and did so triumphantly. Over 7 million were sold there, and in 1994 a Sterling Coupe won the Superbowl.

 

(3) I been done changed the gearbox oil. It was black as shit – no, blacker.

 

(4) I been done bought a fuseboard and a soldering iron. Have yet to get these two together.

 

(5) I don’t ever clean my teeth, so haven’t been able to try Colgate on the screen-o-scratch just yet.

 

(6) I still don’t like the wheels.

 

(7) 31mpg to date.

[Guest Leonard Hatred]

You're right, the instruments have very similar faces to many '80s and '90s Japanese cars.

I think earlier 800s had Maestro derived instruments.