Fixing Colleagues' Cars

[Guest]

I'm sure we've all got a few of these.

 

Today a colleague on my new team came over and said his lights were 'being a bit weird' and that he thought the battery 'was sliding about' when he went round corners.

 

'Might have an undersized battery, or it might be secured down properly' I replied with sham expertise.

 

But no.

 

Opened the bonnet and what's securing the piss small battery into the tray [badly]? A house brick! :shock:

I mean, how skint must you be to replace an 063 with something smaller?

 

Also had the gem : 'Should I service my car?, It's done 48,000 miles since I bought it from new and it sounds a bit weird.'

 

Checked the oil on another workmate's Golf and it had none. As in ZERO. He was complaining it sounded 'fucking shit' and 'knackered'. As a birthday pressie I bought him 5 litres of semi synthetic 10W \ 40 from GSF, added [most] of it and got a call 30 minutes later saying the car was now 'amazing' and 'like new'.

 

I mean

[seth]

Mrs_Seth once helpfully pointed out to a colleague that he didn't put oil in through the dipstick hole.

[Minimad5]

Mrs_Seth once helpfully pointed out to a colleague that he didn't put oil in through the dipstick hole.

haha that is the best thing i have ever heard !

[Guest]

Mrs_Seth once helpfully pointed out to a colleague that he didn't put oil in through the dipstick hole.

Bless. I had a customer come into Halfords once complaining his Citroen BX was being 'a bit odd'. When I enquired further, he informed me that it had no brake fluid, so he'd got his local mechanic to top it up 'with some DOT 4 I had'.Upon telling him that it needed LHM as opposed to conventional brake fluid, and that his steering, suspension and brakes might not work as they should, he exploded into a mini hissy fit and said 'Well sod off then, you lot would say that, you're always trying to rip people off by selling them stuff they don't need!' and promptly stormed out of the shop.The last I saw of his BX was it collapsed on the deck and him fuming, calling the AA out with a low loader. He asked me if I'd help him move it round on my way out, and I told him that I was busy picking my arse that very second, and that I wouldn't trust the AA, they're always out to rip you off. Or something.

[Tayne]

,

[dollywobbler]

Had a colleague once who owned a Rover 416, of the later variety. That means K Series. I say to him "ooh, watch the head gasket, that's the K series engine." He said "no, the bloke who sold it me said it was a Honda engine, you can tell by the rev counter." Guess what happened all of a fortnight after this conversation... (for the record, the 416 auto DOES have a Honda engine! Odd).

[Guest]

Guess what happened all of a fortnight after this conversation... (for the record, the 416 auto DOES have a Honda engine! Odd).

I imagine his VTEC KICKED IN YO and he won the WI drag race down Surbiton High Street. Probably.

[Milford Cubicle]

D16 SOHC NOT VTEC.One of my ex-colleagues bought a Vauxhall Monterey, its two batteries were clearly scrapyard efforts out of small petrol cars, wedged into place with wooden blocks. Predictably the first time he turned the engine off, it wouldn't start again.I often get asked for car advice, unfortunately I know the square root of bugger all about cars really.

[dollywobbler]

Guess what happened all of a fortnight after this conversation... (for the record, the 416 auto DOES have a Honda engine! Odd).

I imagine his VTEC KICKED IN YO and he won the WI drag race down Surbiton High Street. Probably.

Sadly not. His was a manual so it settled for making an oil/water cocktail. HGF KICKED IN YO!

[Guest]

Guess what happened all of a fortnight after this conversation... (for the record, the 416 auto DOES have a Honda engine! Odd).

I imagine his VTEC KICKED IN YO and he won the WI drag race down Surbiton High Street. Probably.

Sadly not. His was a manual so it settled for making an oil/water cocktail. HGF KICKED IN YO!

Damn. So close. DANGER TO THE MANIFOLD and all that.

[CIH]

hey Wat my bluey runs a bit odd can you take a look lol >:

[Guest]

hey Wat my bluey runs a bit odd can you take a look lol >:

Given my knowledge and TEKNIKAL EXPERTISE, is that really wise? I drive a C4 remember, your Bluey hasn't got soft touch plastics or owt, I wouldn't know what to do.

[Minimad5]

At college a mate of mine asked me to look at his Radio because it stopped workingUpon inspection what did i see ?Exposed wires So out came everything and i used a volt meter an them blue crimp things to make sure everything was right.Not only did the radio now work But so did the clock . . turned off the radio so did the clock If only he would of just said "Can you fit this" then it would of been fine.

[Dukestar25]

dollywobbler wrote:

"no, the bloke who sold it me said it was a Honda engine, you can tell by the rev counter."

Really???

[Milford Cubicle]

I think the K-series might have a higher red line than the Honda engine.

[Cavcraft]

Defo a dickhead magnet at times. I seem to attract the kind of tit who says 'Oh Billy will know what problem is' and I get roped in to driving fucking miles to find some moron has an automatic in gear trying to start it or in one case someone who hadn't actually pressed the 'plipper' on their remote control.The ones that do my bonce in are the ones who you ask a load of questions on the phone to to eliminate the problem, they tell you they've checked it and you get there and they haven't.'Thanks for that mate' they'll say before being reminded that please and thanks don't buy fuel and fags. All of which pretty much pale into isignificance to the twats who 'phone you at 2.30am Sunday to tell you you're mate's told them you have a recovery truck and they are 'in Wales somewhere' broken down, can you come and bring me back?'Press the 'end call' key, switch 'phone off, make mental note to bollock mat next time you see him and go back to sleep.

[Station]

I don't mind doing jobs for people, even for free, but it's when they tell you how to do the job, that's what annoys me.

[Pillock]

I used to get roped into this... "Can you just have a look at....." sort of thing.It kind of dried up when I started replying "Yeah, can you pop the car around to me on Saturday and I'll try and get it done by Sunday for you". Only one guy ever took me up on that so I cruised around Saturday night in his Mondeo v6, used all the juice, fixed the headlamp levelling and gave it him back.

[pandamonium]

Oh yes. It seems that owning shite means you must be Mr Master Of The Universe Mechanic. I got asked about how to clear blocked windscreen washers. I said to check to pump and pipes, but apparently you have to remove half the inner wing to get to it and the pipes. Bollox to that I thought, and sent him to the local Ford Dealer. ( 1999 Focus)

[Rogue trader]

I was once at work when an woman came into the workshop and said she had a light come the dash she had fillid it up with water and still it came on. Upon asking what the light was she said a red one with a watering can on!! the car sounded like shit when I started it and there was no oil in it at all.

[r.welfare]

I do a few bits and pieces (servicing mainly) for friends. I enjoy it and it gets me under the bonnet of futureshite (mainly Mk4 Golf TDIs) and oddities (Z3s in 2.8 and 3-litre flavour). Most of my colleagues have Audis, BMWs etc on tick and still under warranty, so thankfully I don't get involved.

[Mr_Bo11ox]

I normally hate fixing other folks motors and refuse to do it despite a string of skint-looking goons knocking on my garage door. I am gonna do Pog's timing belt in a couple of weeks, he will be my first 'customer' in years. Generally fixing folks motors is more bother than its worth I find ("since you changed the oil on my car, theres a funny crunching noise coming from the rear suspension, it defo wasn't there before" etc etc) Takes the pleaseure away from spannering if theres money and deadlines involved.

[lancashireclamper]

A lady at work who is far senior to me and had had a 2001 seciento citymatic from new (not been serviced for 3 years that I know of) asked me how much I thought the local fiat dealer would charge for a new dipstick since I 'know my cars' etc (how wrong she was!)I asked her what had happened to the old one and she said it must have worn out as it doesn't reach the oil anymore.

[warren t claim]

A previous lady of my life was wondering why her car was running like a piece of shit and bellowing smoke. Apparently she had just topped up with about a gallon and a half of oil!!!!! What happened is she had lost the dipstick and simply replaced it with the first one she came across on a scrapyard! It didn't matter to her that it was about a foot shorter.....

[pogweasel]

A lady at work who is far senior to me and had had a 2001 seciento citymatic from new (not been serviced for 3 years that I know of) asked me how much I thought the local fiat dealer would charge for a new dipstick since I 'know my cars' etc (how wrong she was!)I asked her what had happened to the old one and she said it must have worn out as it doesn't reach the oil anymore.

lolololololol!

[Station]

a string of skint-looking goons knocking on my garage door. I am gonna do Pog's timing belt in a couple of weeks

[Mr_Bo11ox]

arf arf!!

[pandamonium]

My neighbours do try to hint for help, but since I let my feelings on modern cars known, I don't tend to get bothered. Funny thing happened a few weeks ago though.... A neighbour asked my son if he could borrow my battery charger. I obliged of course. My littleun came back 10mins later saying that it didn't work. I am quite puzzled as it is one of those overnight charger things!

[j-j]

Hmm, the lady next door has this 3 series and sometimes asks me to look at it. Last time, the washer jets were inop so I simply filled the bottle (mostly empty) and felt smug(ish) the washers still didn't work! Argh, must maintain myth that I'm a 'car guy'!! so With the engine off, ignition on, worked the washers to try to trace if the pump was working and found that it was (making a whiiiiiiiiiiiiz) but still no water coming out. WHY I then realised there were some sort of electric 'things' actually at the washer jets too (?) god knows what they do but the water was skoooooshing out of the pipe when disconnected but was not getting out of the electric bits actually at the jets - I had to admit defeat there and cheered myself up with the reassurance that I don't 'do' new cars. Out of interest: anyone know what these things are? some sort of solenoids?

[Richard]

Could they be heaters? Some modern cars have heated jets. It's a handy alternative to designing the fugging system properly in the first place.