The Future of Shite is Doomed - Frankfurt Horror Show Report

[Junkman]

I already reported about the terrible news from Alfa and Bentley elsewhere.
Here is what other lapses of good taste people unfortunately are going to finance in the near future.
 
ALDI
 
They unleashed a new A4 which isn't new. Because it looks like the old one. Or a Passat.
Or a fucking Skoda that isn't a Skoda anymore. Or a Kia. Or some fucking thing except a car.
 

 
To make matters worse, they also unveiled a new S4, which is exactly the same as above, just with a bigger Diesel.
Or a Passat, just with a bigger Diesel. Or a fucking Skoda that isn't a Skoda anymore, just with a bigger Diesel.
Or a Kia, just with a bigger Diesel. Or some fucking thing except a car.
 
As if all this wasn't bad enough, they also show this assault on good taste:
 

 
Worry not, at least for now this abomination is not available for financing.
 
 
 
Bruce M. Willys
 
They managed to give the 3-Series a facelift, which doesn't lift its face:
 

 
It doesn't matter though, because no matter what they do to ruin it, they will still get more signatures on finance plans than Alfa, at a  1,000,000 to 1 ratio.
 
Then there is the new 7er:
 

 
It will drive you home, park itself in the garage, fix you dinner, bring you to bed, tell you a good night story, give you a foot massage
and when you're asleep, tells everything that happened that day to the NSA.
 
X1:
 

 
Basically an X3. Just with less space inside.
 
M6:
 

 
GR12 4 sitting in a tailback on the M6, after which it is named. But best put into a dystopian mill and forgotten about as soon as possible.
 
 
BUGATTI
 
Once the most eccentric brand after Voisin, now relegated to build action toys by reskinning VW Beetles Transformers style and selling them at slightly* inflated prices to drugged up musicians or other freeloaders who can buy them with your money.
Looking at it, I suggest to rename it to "Bulgetti":
 

 
 
SHITRUN
 
Cack Toss M:
 

 
M for Méhari, hahaha. Get it? Hahaha. Good one. Next one?
 
 
DS4 Hatch/Crossback. They say it got a facelift, but all I can see is that its arse shriveled a bit:
 

 
 
FIAT
 
They copied the Peugeot 307CC:
 

 
 
Apart from that, they also call it a facelift, when in fact they are making an arse more wrinkly:
 

 
 
FORD
 
They arselifted an Edge:
 

 
Apart from that, they continue to build their lineup of vintage cars unchanged.
 
 
 
HONDA
 
They decided to build something. For someone. Whatever. Jayzuz fucked.
 

 
 
 
HYUNDAI
 
They now make a car to hit trees with:
 

 
And something to lose at Le Mans with:
 

 
But still not a single car. How long are they fucking this up now? You can't say they aren't persistent.
 
 
INFIDEL
 
They decided to build a Hyundai:
 

 
I appreciate the sophisticated background archishite, though.
 
 
Shaguar
 
They decided to built a Bentley:
 

 

Don't laugh. Wait until these get festooned with chrome plated chicken wire and badges nicked from bridged Chryslers.
 
KIA
 
While Infinity builds Hundais and Jaguar Bentleys, Kia decided to build Shitroens:
 

 
They call it "Sportage", so fuck that.
 
They also arselifted the Seed:
 

 
Which makes me yelp for weed.
 
 
 
LAMBORGHINI
 
The a vent, a door, has now about 14 vents, two doors, but no roof:
 

 
And in the Hurricane you can now experience one, because they also charge you extra for leaving off the roof:
 

 
Typical for Spaghettis: They nicked the wheels off an Infinity, but kerbed ones.

 
 

MAZDA
 
The new KOERU (which is Japanese and means "those daft fat Westerners will finance oodles of these") unfortunately had a severe accident en route to Frankfurt:
 

 
 
 
Mercedes Benz
 
They painted a sandworm silver metallic:
 

 
Also note white Pac Man gulping an eyeball.
 
The remainder are ungly double-glazed 600 PS sports cars, so I can't be arsed.
 
 
MINI
 
They finally succeeded in out-sizing a 1973 Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser:
 

 
They say the ECU now contains the largest micro-chip of the World.
 
 
DATSUN
 
Someone in Japan didn't come to grips with his CAD programme:
 

 
And the 720 King Cab is now painted brown:
 

 
 
 
PEUGEOT
 
Meet the Fragile Concept:
 

 
They should have continued making the 405. Oh, wait...
 
 
 
PORSCHE
 
Apart from making a rather half-arsed copy of the Tesla
 

 
the Stuttgart firm, famous for their bulky SUVs, finally decided to make a sports car as well:
 

 
 
 
RENAULT
 
They want you to break down with a bigger and heavier Methane which has more LEDs than Maplins:
 

 
And they now build an Aldi A4 which isn't built like an Aldi A4:
 

 
It's called Talisman and you better carry one, if you want to have a remote chance not to end up on the hard shoulder.
 
 
Rolls Royce
 
They now build glorified KIA Magentises, so CBA.
 
 
 
SEAT
 
Why does everything they build have to look like an empty Sangria bucket that has molten in the sun at the Ballermann?
 
 
SMART
 
No, it isn't.
However, it now developed Acromegaly Syndrome.
 



 

SUZUKI

 

They stuck a badge I had forgotten about to a car I have forgotten about. Because I looked away for a moment.

 

 

 

 

 

TOYOTA

 

They arselifted a car that's not very good for The Environment:

 

 

Ironically by adding tailfins, no less. So I should like it. But I don't.

I knew that whoever brings back tailfins will somehow fuck it up. I hate to be always right.

 

 

 

VAUXHALL

 

No, honestly.

And they still call it "Astra". No shit. Zzzzzz...

 

 

 

FÃœHRERWAGEN

 

They also start making a hot hatch now:

 

 

And a badge engineered pov-spec Bentley:

 

 

 

 

So, my friends. That's it.

Hold on to the shite you have now, love and cherish it, because times will never be as good again.

[mouseflakes]

Terrifying!

[cort16]

The cactus is 100% future shite.

[Ghosty]

Jesus fucking Christ, and I thought the Sportfridge was bad already, that's just fucking hideous. Kia are going to lose all their sales to Crapqais.

[Station]

I like the Audi's, everything else is a bit too tall, blingy and melty looking. Nothing gets me excited there, because they all do the same.

The Golf and Astra both look nice for the same reason, the design isn't completely overly insane. I reckon they will look good in about 30 years time, much like 80's cars look good today.

[Junkman]

Terrifying!

 

Wait until you see what the septics have in petto for next year.

[chaseracer]

INFIDEL

 

They decided to build a Hyundai:

 

 

I appreciate the sophisticated background archishite, though.

 

Liverpool Pier Head...?

 

[AnthonyG]

That Infiniti thing is very strange indeed, I never see any of their other models so I doubt it will be offending my eyes any time soon. The A4 must be a major facelift surely, the mid section looks identical to the current one.

[Junkman]

Liverpool Pier Head...?

 

 

Good place for launching the ruddy thing into the sea.

However, it might float and eventually collide with an iceberg, which will then sink. Or Ireland.

[Bear]

Like Cactus generally - Cactus M won't happen but I like them.

 

That Mercedes concept thing looks properly interesting/space age. Like it.

 

Ferrari pinched the Renault Wind's surplus roof production.

 

WTF is with the DS4. Only five door car I can think of that lacks opening rear windows since the Dyane? "Luxury is being roasted with no ventilation".

 

I know the chap that photographed the Peugeot Mandelbrot.

 

And Nissan. Oh, Nissan. You used to be cool. That cute RWD 2-door concept was so promising.

Rest of it. CBA. That Bugatti is extraordinarily pointless.

[Ghosty]

 

Wow, pointy corners.

[Junkman]

That Mercedes concept thing looks properly interesting/space age. Like it.

 

When exactly did space age start looking like the bastard child of an Aldi A7 and a '70 Ford Mustang?

[dugong]

I thought I was playing GTA 5 for a minute. 

A great (if depressing) report. 

[Bear]

'60s and '70s designs were aiming to be space age. That wide grille, with lights incorporated rather than separate units, the low roofline and (production unfriendly) reduced fender height above the arches... it has a rocket-era feel. I like what Mercedes have done with their driverless truck and car concepts, too, with banks of LEDs communicating car status.

 

The A7's rear flanks are (generously) influenced by the old 100S Coupé - which itself was a Mustang/Aston DBS 'inspired' shape.

 

I'd like to see concepts as dramatic as the NSU Ro80 would have looked in '67. Feasible, but clearly ahead of the curve.

[Sloth in a bowl]

 

SHITRUN

 

Cack Toss M:

 

 

M for Méhari, hahaha. Get it? Hahaha. Good one. Next one?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In 20 years time I'm going to think that is the dog's bollocks. I hate my aged self already.

[HH-R]

The Audi "goatee" has been going for over ten years now, it might be time to retire it.

 

Other than the A3 and fauxX4s, I can't tell any of their products apart, by age or model.

[Junkman]

In 20 years time I'm going to think that is the dog's bollocks. I hate my aged self already.

 

I see us as badly aged Don Johnson imitators in one of these at the Morecambe promenade wondering what the fuck is going on.

Terrifying.

At least we will have bought it at the Cannock auctions.

[fred]

But But But in 20 years time when they are held up with gaffa tape and more dents than a Syrian suitcase - we will fawn over them - Well I wont, probably be in a care home shitting me man nappy

[Junkman]

'60s and '70s designs were aiming to be space age.

 

'50s designs were space age. This is space age:

 

 

And this:

 

[fred]

Hell yeah !!

[Junkman]

Yeah, and entirely btw, they were still CARS, ffs.

Made by machos for machos and they burned a bloody hole into the ozone layer every time you fired them up.

 

Mind you, they weighed half a ton less than that newfangled shit.

[Bear]

That's awesome, but they're jet age/atomic age. I'd still have those over any modern car though.

[Junkman]

Jet/atomic age were '40s - very early '50s designs.

 

This is jet/atomic age:

 

 

 

[robinmasters]

...I reckon they will look good in about 30 years time...

They'll have become self-aware and killed us all off long before that.

[Barry Cade]

Another photo of Audi's current lineup from Frankfurt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Junkman]

On a different note, you guys should see the sheer SIZE of the stands they have there in that Frankfurt.

The Mercedes stand alone could house all those Syrian migrants without them ever meeting each other.

[skattrd]

I quite like the look of that Fiat convertible.

How big are the wheels on the last Audi?

[garethj]

The building in the background of that Infinity photo looks like a Thunderbirds set, if only that tedious car wasn't parked in front and blocking the view.

 

The Nissan is alright, like an AMC Eagle for the modern age.  But they're all as relevant to me, to quote Hirst, as what colour I'd want the seat piping in my Lear jet.

[JohnK]

The new 7 series has the same door handles as my 5 series. Therefore it now looks just like an elongated 5 series and I hate the 'squinty' front. New 5 series is due soon, therefore I'm out for any future BMW.

[taxi paul]

No rover stand ? I dismay. People will buy them in droves , esp the jag. I have a Chevrolet Captiva and the other day when I was in the Vauxhall dealer having recall work done. Some dozy git was telling me about how he bought the Vauxhall antara because he doesn't like Chevrolet. I pointed out that it's the same car. Look its even having the same recall work done. It's just that mine being Chevrolet has two more seats and is cheaper to buy.