eBay Lexicon

[Shep Shepherd]

Everything works: apart from the aircon, headlamp wash/wipe, horn, electric aerial and half of the dashboard illumination.

 

Good condition: what the seller considered to be good condition differed markedly from what I considered it to be.

[Split_Pin]

Another thing I see on Facebook car groups is the following:

 

"Engine from Renault for sale new head belts. offers"

 

Eh, ok £200?

 

"Naw these are gettin rare and this is in gud condisiin observley want more than that"

 

Ok how about £200 and I refrain from stabbing you with a splintered GinaG cd that I prepared earlier whilst seething at your attempts to get twice what it's worth?

[Felly Magic]

I did once catch a dealer out, they were advertising the car with 6 months tax on, saw it, no tax on, he tried saying it didn't come with tax, so I showed him his Auto Trader advert which clearly showed it did. Cheeky cunt trying to scam a few quid more...

[EssDeeWon]

Fair condition for age = Its a fckin heap.

 

Average condition = Its tatty

 

Mint = No its not, its just good condition

 

Viewing advised = I dont want the aggrevation of someone turning up after the auction ends and seeing just what a POS this is.

[brickwall]

38mpg - nope!

[Split_Pin]

Another one I just clocked:

 

"Irmscher spoiler, requires repair"

 

£25

 

The fugging thing was snapped in half!

 

Who do they think is going to buy this shiz? Straight in the bucket.

[Spiny Norman]

This Instafuck craze is bloody annoying when people use it to photograph a car on Ebay. This looks a lovely shade of metallic brown in the pics but I bet it's not.

[Felly Magic]

I saw a Lada Rive on mongbay the other day, that claimed to be 'standard' but clearly the mong selling it had cut the springs, as it was a good few inches lower, and I bet they are selling it because they can no longer turn the steering wheel

[Leyland Lawrence]

'Drives superb'  should read drives superbly'

[Charlie Croker]

This "offers" thing really pisses me off. No way am i going to "offer" anyone. Why the hell do these idiots think anyone is going to do this when we know that they have a price what they want in (thier tiny) mind anyway. I hate idiots who think others are idiots too.

 

I think i may "offer" to "test the water" for the next one i see i.e..........test i have enough water in the bath to drown the bastard in.

 

Happiness and joy to all.

[EssDeeWon]

people stating the car has FSH when in fact it has piss all history should instantly serve 2 years inside, fuggin annoys me.

 

Having the last 3 MOT certs, a receipt for a new battery last year and a couple of service stamps from 10 years ago IS NOT FSH !!!!

[Split_Pin]

That 'Just testing the water' thing boils my piss so much it makes my chappie whistle a death metal number.

 

I did end up buying something this week which started out as 'offers' however thankfully the sellers response to 'Need price bud' was positive.

[Junkman]

Good tyres - appears to mean 'scrubbed slick on the shoulders' (quoting Dugong)

[EssDeeWon]

Something I have noticed on Autotrader....when you advertise your car you enter the registration number and this now flags up on the advert if its Cat D or Cat C etc..

 

Dealers* are now wise to this so enter a different registration which is why some cars say things like 2004 52 reg or 2001 04 reg etc etc...

 

Just something to look out for.

[PiperCub]

Two lady owners:   Whose teenage kids ragged the arse off it eight days a week but mummy was the owner for insurance purposes.

 

Doctor/Solicitor/Police officer owned:   As the late great Bill Hicks said "Really? I got four words for that.......Yeah? And? So what?"

 

New breaks:  Oh, I get it, some parts of the car have broken recently, hence a break that is new, that's what you mean isn't it - it's not your spelling?

 

Rare when new:   Yup, there's a reason for that...... they were as popular as a bacon sardie at a Bar Mitzvah.

 

Only needs a tyre and a bulb for MoT:    So why have you not done it then? Which sells better, years ticket, no ticket? Answers on a postcard.

 

Would benefit from some tidying:    The equivilent to the estate agents famous line 'Would suit a DIY enthusiast'  ie: needs gutting and starting again.

 

Easy project:  No such thing

 

K-series head gasket properly repaired last week/month:  No it wasn't, it was bodged long enough to punt it out as sorting it correctly costs way more than this heap is worth.

 

Much loved: I seriously doubt it.

 

Structurally solid:  With filler covered by thick underseal.

 

Air con simply needs re-gas:  Seriously? How's the original refrigerant got out then idiot? If you have a punctured tyre do you just pump it up again? Sorry all, this one really annoys me!!

 

There's probably more, it's a slow day at work today.....

 

Oh, and the mark-of-the-mong, anything at all written in bloody textspeak or 'Fuckwit' as it's commonly known.

[brickwall]

^   "Easy Project" strikes fear into the hardest of men

[rml2345]

Ideal Project - It was running but now it's not and I haven't a clue why.

[rml2345]

Needs restoration - Not even the local scrappy would take it.

[Felly Magic]

On black Vauxhall Corsas 'one company owner'...Yeah RED DRIVING SCHOOL!!!!!

[Parky]

Probably already been mentioned but I love the "ran well when parked up" comment.

 

You might as well say "was immaculate when it came off the production line" for all the fucking relevance to the seized rusty heap you think is worth a zillion quid.

 

"This is a rare car". Someone who wanted one would know that, someone who didn't wouldn't care. Has anyone ever said "I just bought this little car off eBay for 500 quid. Turns out it is a Lotus Carlton and apparently they are worth quite a bit, I had no idea!"

[HMC]

"presents well"

 

AKA hiding all sorts of crafty bodges/rust/etc

[EssDeeWon]

Any ebay advert description that includes 'L@@K' confirms to me its being sold by a bellend and so therefore I never 'L@@K'

[Luckythirteen]

Glad it's not just me who sees 'offers', and thinks 'Outside. Now.' in the Phil Mitchell voice.

Or how about a magical sparkly unicorn? Or some magic beans?

Or 'reasonable offer considered': if I'm wearing a boiler suit and hockey mask, and carrying a running chainsaw...there's a reasonable chance I'm going to cut you into little pieces. Then you'll post no more stupid eBay ads. Sounds reasonable to me...

[PiperCub]

Any ebay advert description that includes 'L@@K' confirms to me its being sold by a bellend and so therefore I never 'L@@K'

 

Exactly - That one angers me beyond reason too.

[Junkman]

For the right person - Not suitable for people with an IQ above room temperature.

[EssDeeWon]

One I would like to clear up is people saying 'No Reserve Auction' but the auction starts at £500

 

FFS thats not a no reserve auction.

 

These are often the same people who use 'L@@k' in the title, take mong photos and have 1 or more of their chav mates standing in the background, car will have light mods and only 1 months MOT, but it will pass no problem.

[dugong]

Good tyres - appears to mean 'scrubbed slick on the shoulders' (quoting Dugong)

WHAT? Ebay are refunding all your money?! Why?

[Partridge]

Good for age-average

 

Needs a bit of TLC-borked

[PiperCub]

You can expect 40mpg:     Expect what you like, doesn't mean there's the remotest chance of it happening. 

 

Small amount of engine noise on start up:    Sounds like a tumble drier full of spanners

 

Small amount of smoke on start up:   would double for a James Bond car smoke screen feature  (Sounds like my old 1.3 Cortina - it used to do that)

 

Recent engine rebuild:   A lot of thick oil in the sump and tightened the valve clearances.

 

Recon engine fitted:      As above but its been badly painted black gloss over dirt/oil/crap.

 

Two careful owners:      And alot of careless ones (OK it's an old one I know)

 

From earlier - 'Bumbers'  That's a new one, not seen that before!

[EssDeeWon]

Another one is sellers (often dealers) banging on about it having a lady owner for the last umpteen years, well im sorry but I wouldnt want to buy a  car of any bird Ive known, the cars generally get run into the ground, knocking noises are ignored/not heard over their shit music, and annual servicing... Whats that? The cars are run until they breakdown and only then does it go anywhere near a garage.

 

Just my own experiences of birds and cars.