Lies people tell you

[Luckythirteen]

One that consistently gets up my nose; that lie in song lyrics (usually near the start).

"My heart stopped when I saw you/kissed you/whatever..."

No it didn't. You're still singing. Unless of course, you were eyeing up a paramedic, and they had a defibrillator handy.

[Parky]

"Oh yes sir, it's a very simple operation, you'll be fine after a day or two"

[Junkman]

Reluctant sale.

[Junkman]

I am only selling it as I started a new job with a 400 mile per day commute and I need something smaller and more economical.

[Junkman]

I am only the second owner from new.

[Junkman]

Could do with a new front tyre.

[Junkman]

This car will be fully valeted by the end of the auction.

[Junkman]

It drives well and is in good condition for it's age.

 

Note: in 99% of the cases you read this sentence, it contains this incorrect apostrophe usage.

 

You can't trust people, who don't use apostrophes appropriately.

[Bucketeer]

This ad currently on Ebay for a BMW 318 TeDiouS seems to cover a lot of the bases.

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/BMW-318-TDS-RED-1997-E36-DIESEL-SWAPS-WINK-WINK-WHY-try-me-/131187263659?pt=Automobiles_UK&hash=item1e8b5ec8ab

 

 

I work in the trade and know my cars and this is a good one.

 

 

solid, bomb proof, reliable German engineering

 

 

window fault

I think it needs a new rubber drivers window surround (cheap from a scrap yard). I have so little free time, that I haven't been able to properly fix it.

Followed by . . . . . .

 

Ordered today, brand new fuel pump and sender. This will be fitted Weds/Thurs.

[Junkman]

It contains another favourite of mine: "age related scuffs"

 

Not strictly a lie, but there is no correlation between the age of a car, and the number of its scuffs and dents.

[brickwall]

...and age related refers to the age of the car or the driver?

[Parky]

"One old lady owner"

 

Who just happened to need a 500 watt stereo, Halfords alloys, and left a pack of rizlas in the door pocket

[Sloth in a bowl]

'It's an easy swap' says the man looking at the £40 Mazda B6 motor on ebay, knowing that it has a very strong family relationship to the B3 in my Kia.

[purplebargeken]

 

 

I'm advertising this car for a friend who has no computer.

 

I actually have done this several times with 100% honesty via eBay. It is only very, very recently that my good friend 'Steam Engine Owning Mate' has accessed the internet through his wife's iPad. Totally seriously true.  

 

He has had a deep loathing of computers until he accessed some very old ragtime stuff on YouTube.

[the judge]

It's only the first inch that hurts.

 

we're doing all we can,but we are having to breathe for the patient,and massage their heart. (Paramedic stuff for oh shit,this one is fucked,lets get out of here with the patient)

 

I'm only going the auctions for a look

[pandamonium]

It drives well and is in good condition for it's age.

 

Note: in 99% of the cases you read this sentence, it contains this incorrect apostrophe usage.

 

You can't trust people, who don't use apostrophes appropriately.

 

Or commas apparently...

[Cavcraft]

'New (fugly) baby forces sale'

 

In advert selling something like an Acclaim, Orion, 216 SD3, Belmont etc etc.....

 

 

I've just seen that with a bloke advertising a Berlingo van. He said his wife is expecting their second child, so the van is no good for them anymore. Obviously, before that a 2 seat van was fucking perfect for a family of three    

[New POD]

Buy a Honda, they are reliable.

 

Yeah, and you can't get a manual, and if something breaks, it will cost you ££££££££'s

 

I needed an alternator : £350

I need an exhaust manifold (has a small crack - it's had that crack for over a year) : £400 plus 4 hours labour

I needed brake discs and pads all round : Pattern Parts £150 Honda £600

I needed a drop link : £13 (or ££68 from Honda)

I have a warning light for abs : Could be £13, £120, or £2000 depending on the cause.

I need to change the fuel filter: It will take 2 hours apparently.

[twosmoke300]

Dirty diesel ? ^^^

 

Fuel filter is a bit tricky but an hour would more than cover it. I thought the cracked fannymoulds were an extended warranty item.

[New POD]

Dirty diesel ? ^^^

 

Fuel filter is a bit tricky but an hour would more than cover it. I thought the cracked fannymoulds were an extended warranty item.

Mine is out of the extended extended warranty. Plus Service history (after 3 years) is back street erm independents, and me.

[New POD]

Actually Filter isn't causing me a problem, despite the intergalackic miles and the fact that it looks OE.

[brickwall]

"I've been told that......"

 

Usually refers to something that's a total bugger to change or nigh impossible. They distance themselves by saying this.

 

 

"I've been told that all you need  is one microgram of unicorn poop to complete conversion. They also said it would only take a couple of hours at most."

[CortinaDave]

It's a 1990 so free road tax next year.

 

The rover v6 has a timing chain mate, don't need to worry about belts.

[Junkman]

I've just seen that with a bloke advertising a Berlingo van. He said his wife is expecting their second child, so the van is no good for them anymore. Obviously, before that a 2 seat van was fucking perfect for a family of three    

 

I once read it in an ad for a Granada MKII estate. I contacted the seller, and asked him, what better car he knows, for a family of four.

He replied that he knows it's daft, but his wife forces him to upgrade to a modern, due to safety concerns.

I felt sorry for the guy.

[Junkman]

Or commas apparently...

 

I can't correctly set commas to save my life, but you can trust me, honestly.

[beko1987]

"Nah it works fine mate, used it a few weeks ago..."

 

 

[castros_bro]

I can't correctly set commas to save my life, but you can trust me, honestly.

 

 

Then you need the help of the commer imp !!

 

 

 

[Junkman]

Oooooh, pretty. Lie to me about Comma Vanz pliz.

[dugong]

"Will pass an MOT"

Me: Put it in for an MOT then. 

"Can't, too busy, not enough money."
 

This could just be me, but I infer that to mean 'the car is worse than I'm letting on.'

[beko1987]

FFS twice in 2 days...

 

"Yes of course I'll wrap it up well to avoid the unobtanium and fragile wheels which are impossible to get hold of in brown and almost as tricky to get hold of in other colours short of buying a whole machine for spares being broken, and thank you for your 3 paragraphs on how best to ship it, I'll be sure to follow it as you seem to know more than me as you have 8 of them and have sent many more..."

 

 

 

 

 

Cunt! Still waiting for his reply. I'm turning this into the grumpy thread arent I!