Autoshite Top Tips

[messerschmitt owner]

Here's the first of a series of Shite Top Tips!

 

Gumtree sellers!

increase the chances of dealing with Terry Fuckwit by putting a telephone number on your advert. That way all and sundry can call you at ungodly hours on a Sunday night. You may find, though, that at least one of the people who wants to call you actually wants to buy your stuff.

 

Alternatively, if you have sold your item by making someone email you and then finally replying two weeks later, perhaps it would be a good idea to remove the advert.

 

If your item has not sold, you have not listed a phone number AND someone emails you with their number (and, obviously, their email address), then simply call or email said person, who may just buy your bloody item for sale!

[messerschmitt owner]

Ebay sellers

 

having problems fitting all of the car into a picture! Simply step away from the car and look at the big screen on your phone. Once the car can all be seen then take a picture.

 

Does your car look rather small in the phone screen? You are probably too far away and should move closer before taking a photo.

 

Interior shots are best done with either an open door or if this is too much effort, by winding down the window and then photographing without the glass in the way.

 

Perhaps spending five minutes cleaning the inside of the car may also make your vehicle more visually attractive to any prospective purchaser.

[messerschmitt owner]

Idiots!

 

Do not buy a Reliant Rialto and try to do an Only Fools & Horses conversion. It is neither big, nor clever, nor is it particularly unique, quirky or different.

[Junkman]

Want to take a photo?

 

Use a camera instead of those fucking phones!

You don't use a tumble dryer to refrigerate your beer either.

[Station]

Want to take an interior photo? Make sure the window is up as we want to see your silhouette with your phone supported by your arms.

[Jim Bell]

For extra points, take every photo upside down.

No time wasters please!

[Junkman]

Take the tarp, bricks, slabs, flags, cartons, empty oil containers, dead cats, rotten pizzas, old tyres, collapsed flat pack furniture, etc. off the fuggin car before you photograph it. Bonus points if you push it out of the inevitable barn you did find it in, too.

[Spiny Norman]

When taking photographs of the interior with your crappy phone without bothering to open the door, make sure that you do it in low light, thus triggering the flash, which will cause massive reflections on the window, which should be really dirty for maximum selling potentialzzz.

[Junkman]

Take the pictures in front of your home, so I can see exactly where you are located and whether you or your neighbors are worth burglarising/car thefting. Bonus points if you make your number plates illegible while I can clearly see the ones of your neighbors' cars in the pic.

[Station]

Leave an empty pop bottle, a petrol can, a cassette tape, a large sports bag, a small, damaged cardboard box, a rawlplug with some woodscrews and a lighter in the passenger footwell.

 

Bonus for bin bag full of shite and a single glove in boot.

[Jim Bell]

A foot (or shoe) in shot for x2 multiplier bonus.

 

Packet of tabs on the roof/bonnet for an extra life.

[Spiny Norman]

On the offchance of it being a sunny day, stand with your back to a setting sun so you get your whole shadow in the shot.

[meggersdog]

When phoning to enquire about an item for sale always use a mobile phone and stand/ sit very close to your screaming kids or nagging mongaloid wife.This way the seller can have a small glimpse into the world of pain you've gotten yourself into.Because you are too stupid to move somewhere quieter the seller will either take pity on you and sell you the item cheaper (very unlikely) or tell you to fuck off as they can't hear you above the screaming kids/ nagging wife (very likely)

[jonny69]

Want to take a photo?

 

try using a camera instead of a telephone.

You don't use a tumble dryer to refrigerate your beer either.

 

Reworded that for you for added comedy effect

[Negative Creep]

Save valuable time by not cleaning the interior or exterior before taking photos. Also don't bother with things like the MOT expiry, milage, tax etc as that will only take only to write and isn't important to potential buyers anyway

[tooSavvy]

Here's the first of a series of Shite Top Tips!

 

Gumtree sellers!

increase the chances of dealing with Terry Fuckwit by putting a telephone number on your advert. That way all and sundry can call you at ungodly hours on a Sunday night. You may find, though, that at least one of the people who wants to call you actually wants to buy your stuff.

 

Alternatively, if you have sold your item by making someone email you and then finally replying two weeks later, perhaps it would be a good idea to remove the advert.

 

If your item has not sold, you have not listed a phone number AND someone emails you with their number (and, obviously, their email address), then simply call or email said person, who may just buy your bloody item for sale!

 

 

 

If you have an unlocked PAYG phone.... get a SIM >> Bin after Sale/non Sale [Everyone must know that?]

 

FYI.... I did a Chip-n-Pin install/upgrade at Brighthouse and was watching the guy make 'where's the money?' chase up calls to punters..... no answer!! I suggested "That's a SIB then?". Guy says 'Eh...?' I say 'SIM in BIN'... skummers scarper with the kit!!

 

tooSavvy

[anonymous user]

A couple of tips for buyers:

 

If you see something advertised for sale that you want, do not bother contacting the seller; if it's any good it will have already sold and if it's still for sale it can't be any good.

 

If you do get as far as contacting the seller, don't forget to ask "what's your best price" and then ask for more money off because they are so far away.

[Parky]

Sellers!

 

If the car doesn't have an MOT but "will fly through no bother"', why not get the fucker MOT'd before sale and make £££££££££

[fordperv]

do not, I repeat do not ever approach a person driving a capri and tell them they will need "a couple of council slabs" or "a few bags of cement" in the boot when winter is here because they do get a bit skittish

 

I have heard this so many times off fuckwits who probably have never even driven one, I feel like putting them in the boot for winter

[Albert Ross]

If using an Internet auction site to sell your vehicle, make certain the auction finishes at 03:38 on a Tuesday morning, and insist on contact/deposit payment immediately, and then piss and moan that nobody contacted you immediately... I mean surely EVERYONE is awake at that time, after all, you are!

[Station]

"... But I may fix these problems before selling." = the car has problems that wont be fixed but the 'bad points' list is too long already to add them to.

 

Also, does anyone else image up what the seller looks like just by their voice on the phone?

Never fail to disappoint a buyer by putting on the poshest voice you can and surprise him by meeting up wearing a tracksuit and live in a council house with 10 lizards as pets.

[autofive]

ebay sellers: dont forget to advertise your car in an obscure catagory i.e. floormats, just to save a few quid, thus severly limiting your target audience, using the title CAR

 

use dismal photos and a vague description, announce your going on holiday, or only selling because your getting a divorce

 

and then moan like fuck when it only gets one bid and try to wriggle out of selling it

(unsuccessfully, I might add - its arriving tomorrow )

[vulgalour]

Sellers, be sure to arrange a mutually convenient location such as an A road layby or supermarket car park to exchange money and goods.  This will always instill a sense of confidence in prospective buyers who will no doubt regard you as not at all dodgy in any way and believe the goods in question are completely kosher and above board.  For added security, be sure to bring along at least one morbidly obese friend or relative and a dog that has behavioural issues when it comes to meeting new people, this gives a sense of honesty and trustworthiness to all your transactions.  Don't be afraid to dress down for the occasion either, synthetic materials and the lowest carat gold jewellery applied in the largest quantities to your hands and neck gives a far more comforting impression than any Savile Row suit ever can.

[Alexg]

Vendors: make out the car is substantially nicer than it actually is; thus causing stress, annoyance and conflict before you receive the cash.

[Jim Bell]

Friends of car owners:

Advertise cars for sale on their behalf. Ideally for one that hasn't got the Internet. State plainly that you know nothing at all about the thing you are selling.

For extra points, include a phone number for a third or forth party. Which goes to answer phone and does not illicit returns to messages.

 

No timewasters!!!

[Bren]

Autojumble Traders

 

After fastidiously arranging your priceless collection of antiquities on your paste tables and black and decker workmates consider if you are actually interested in selling anything.

 

Do not picking anything up - the price will double. This also goes for feigning even the remotest interest.

 

Do not pretend to know what the item is - the price will double.

 

Do not ask if it will fit xyz - it invariably will, and guess what, the price will double.

 

Do not attempt to haggle - this is the height of rudeness and strictly forbidden.

 

Realistic offers are usually met with the standard response - " I would rather take it home."

 

Which is what happens. Same time, same place next year fella!

[Bren]

Sellers of 70's fords -

 

Just because the BBC commissioned a TV series about a copper going back in time to the 1970's nine years ago does not mean that your rusty / mouldy / partially stripped cortina / capri / granada that has already been stripped of it's unique trim and other items and has been sat under a railway arch since 1987 is now worth enough to put a deposit on a 3 bed semi.

[vulgalour]

Buyers and vendors both please be aware that since 1995 an arbitrary tax has been levied on all VW and Ford manufactered vehicles produced at least 15 years ago.  This tax is to ensure you as the buyer get the greatest bragging rights to impress your peers of how much you paid for that tax exempt 2 door Mk1 Escort shell* or oval window** Beetle.  As a vendor, this tax is to ensure the greatest return for your investment, inheritance or plain old good fortune in managing to convince people that a rusty antiquated vehicle that was adequate in its day was worth keeping hold of until eBay was invented.

 

Those who avoid paying this tax are to be shunned by the community and hated for their tax evasion.

 

 

*vin plate with rust attached, a dustpan and brush and a rivetting gun.

**Mexican bug with carefully grafted in oval window that cost megabucks from an Autojumble.

[Morgan84]

Autojumble items

 

Make sure you store then in a damp shed, and make certain car panels or trim items get kicked about a few times and dropped before then laying them out on a old pair of curtains. Don't cover them if it rains, and remember if they don't sell this time, ask more next time

[messerschmitt owner]

sellers of parts for rare cars!

 

Just because How Many left says there are only three of this model left in the UK, it does not mean your item is worth more money. The market has diminished quite a lot and there are three people in total who may buy your bit. The chances of them meeting you is quite remote, as is the chance that they may have logged on to eBay and seen your bit at twenty times the value and actually need to buy it this week or next.