1987 Lotus Excel SE

[New POD]

I'm reading the above with tears in my eyes.

Can I recommend a book?  It will make you cry, but it really is a great 2 hour read.  I read it on the plane from Manchester to Eindhoven in June and I think my tears may have disturbed the woman in the seat next to me.  To be honest its about a bloke with 2 kids whose wife dies of cancer, but there are some funny bits in it.  

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/grief-is-the-thing-with-feathers-book-max-porter-9780571327232

Your kids might find it helpful too.  

 

[Dobloseven]

Just caught up with this thread and it's not easy reading.There's nothing an outsider such a myself can really say that doesn't sound trite,so I'll just say I'm thinking of you.You've obviously got "a way with words",though so here's hoping for the book.We seem to be getting quite a few authors on here.

[Asimo]

Man, we need a "hug" button.

I havn't been where you are, but I have been alongside with someone going through all of this.

Seems to me that you never get over loss, you just learn to live with it.

[Matty]

14 minutes ago, Asimo said:

Man, we need a "hug" button.

I havn't been where you are, but I have been alongside with someone going through all of this.

Seems to me that you never get over loss, you just learn to live with it.

Comes and goes. My brother went at 24. I was 26. Im 44 now and whilst ive just got on with it, in my head im still absolutley furious. He was my best mate, couldnt get a fag paper between us. 

@Oi_Oi_Savaloy. Make use of the folk around you, talk about her and how you feel all the time. Dont do what i did. Doesnt help anyone. Best wishes to you pal.

[MAF260]

My father passed away 8 years ago. My mother recently said 'you never get over it, you just get used to it'.

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

Thanks for everyone's comments and thoughts; some very poignant posts.  I've been ill this week (but have had to keep going obviously ........but just the essentials) and I've not managed to give it to the kids.........but I've still got to go to work (which is costing me alot mentally - I'm just totally drained at the end of the day and unfortunately I've then got to come home and cook and look after the kids; when in actual fact all I want to do is crawl into my bed and sleep and try and forget).

I'm rethinking all the cars I've got now tbh (I've got 4, plus a tractor).  More on all that later.

[Westbay]

One day at a time Chap, one day at a time ...

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

A quick update on everything really.  

I've not done anything on the Lotus yet (my disco 4 has blown a turbo - goes into limp mode - or something has gone wrong - the brain power needed to diagnose and investigate simply isn't there right now so I've given it to my man - he just just does disco's for a body-off wallet-rapage).  Whilst it's off it'll have all the other bits done that you do when you've taken the body off too - so £5 to £6k worth I think - perhaps a tad more depending on what they find.

But the lotus is going to a chap called Giles Beck (based in Pembroke) - wonderful bloke - runs a small workshop...........but his real ace up his sleeve is he's an F1 mechanic - looks after DFV's.  He's also an E30 lover - sprints a tricked-out e30 - I met him at a sprint one-day about 15 years ago when I was an E30 botherer (of e30 tourings actually).  And then it's going to a boat specialist for a retrim too (we're on the coast here - marine retrimmers are far more prevalent than car retrimmers).

I'm also in the process of buying a Caterham - more on that once I've done so.  It's actually in the Will.  I've been saving up for one for about 20 years.............but each time I got close something came along, usually to do with the house or the kids, that took priority.  But life is short.  And my wife wrote it into her Will so I'm abiding by it.  It'll be at the cheaper end of the market but it must be drivable and then I'll have the time to improve it over my ownership.  

And finally the book. 

I've had an extraordinary response to the news that I'm writing it.  So many people have shared their illness journey (looking after a dying loved one or close family relative).  They learnt things on their journey (that shouldn't needed to have been learnt frankly) and some of them have been kind enough to share their advice and what they learnt with me too.  Stu on here (I hope you don't mind) shared particularly valuable information that has gone straight into the book for example.  Everyone I've chatted to about this has a story - usually of extreme anxiety, about a situation they encountered.  Those are the bits I want to hear - particularly how they tackled it (badly or otherwise).  it's been quite cathartic for people and in turn it's helped me realise I wasn't alone on my illness journey (or rather my wife's illness - my care journey might be more apt).  I went through some brutal moments (sorry, sounds selfish) during her last 12 days.............and if my book allows others to not go through some of that stress and anxiety............brilliant.  Utterly brilliant.

It's not a 'you must do it this way' book.............it's more - if you find yourself in this situation these are some of the things you might consider (and a step-by-step guide on how to do the things mentioned) kind of book.  Every journey is different.  Every person has a different perspective and experience - no two the same..........but there are definitely themes that run through these experiences - it's the themes I'm covering.  Definitely not a dictatorial sort of book.

So many people have cared for a loved one as they died...............and so many struggled with it - and there's literally no advice out there on how to do things - there's lots on the spiritual side of sickness/illness/grief for example...............but here's a small example; how to record your loved ones drug intake, especially if they are on 9 or 10 things the doctor or hospital has given you............so that if you happen to be on the phone at 3am in the morning, with a charity, trying to drum up a professional doctor to come out, with a distressed loved-one in the bed beside you, knowing you're going to have to get the kids up in 4 hours...........when you're absolutely broken from 10 days of this...........well, how you give clear information to that doctor (how much offered, how much actually intaked, of what and when, how much they've had to drink and eat).........that's the sort of advice and tips and how-to's that I cover.  When you've got 30 seconds to get her a drink but you need to measure the quantity but you don't have time to phaff with syringes or other shit - you just need to fill a glass and know how much you're giving her............it's that sort of stuff I'm writing about.

But I've actually gone right back to the beginning of the journey (diagnosis) and cover a plethora of areas that need covering (imo), need thinking about potentially and how to tackle them. The last 12 days (or the bit where they come home to die.................well that's covered too but that's been harder to write).  I keep on being reminded of things that I'd blocked out .........so I'm re-writing and re-thinking the advice and the how-to's.

I've also just been hit with a £500 payback to the dept of work and pensions (because I'd assumed that the 'tell me once service' that the govt runs operates quicker than it does - these were her PIP payments incidentally - they, rightly, want the money back they paid after she had passed...............so I now know the priority of notification.............tell Dept of Work and pensions first...........before the registrar...........to avoid the pain of paying a lump sum back).............yes, I'm not perfect - should have set it aside............but death admin (for want of a better word) is horrible, takes a long time, can be fraught depending on the company you're dealing with and it's very hard to understand how to do it, if this is your first time (so to speak).  And all whilst you're juggling your kids, the house, your work, cooking.............on your own.  The money just came in without me noticing and went out on basics tbh.  Anyway, enough.  As I say, I'm not perfect......happy to give it back............

Oh and the bank have just cancelled literally every direct debit I've got (joint account you see and it took 3 weeks for the computer to be told/updated  that one of the parties to the joint account had died and that triggered the computer to just............cancel everything).  Unravelling that f up has taken mental energy I really don't have much of.  I'm low on reserves you know?  It's just another inch of the rough-end of the death pineapple frankly.................

The Caterham is going to be pre-2000 I think - I don't have the budget for a bda-powered one..........but I want something that will bark/have character - a crossflow perhaps.  Or cxe/red-top.

Onwards!

Seize the day - seize it now.  the rainy day is now.  Time and health are so precious.  You don't realise you've lost both until you're beyond it and looking back.  

If you've had an experience you want to share - message me - i've had tremendous support from people on here - it's been a privilege to be part of this forum.  Continues to be.

 

[fatharris]

Got back to thinking about you @Oi_Oi_Savaloy as you mentioned it would have been her birthday in mid December, plus the turmoils of Xmas.

How are you holding up mate?

[motorpunk]

Also wishing Happy New Year to @Oi_Oi_Savaloy and hoping for an update on life, cars, and stuff.

[Noel Tidybeard]

maybe these guys can be of service to you

https://carers.org/