1987 Lotus Excel SE

[New POD]

I'm reading the above with tears in my eyes.

Can I recommend a book?  It will make you cry, but it really is a great 2 hour read.  I read it on the plane from Manchester to Eindhoven in June and I think my tears may have disturbed the woman in the seat next to me.  To be honest its about a bloke with 2 kids whose wife dies of cancer, but there are some funny bits in it.  

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/grief-is-the-thing-with-feathers-book-max-porter-9780571327232

Your kids might find it helpful too.  

 

[Dobloseven]

Just caught up with this thread and it's not easy reading.There's nothing an outsider such a myself can really say that doesn't sound trite,so I'll just say I'm thinking of you.You've obviously got "a way with words",though so here's hoping for the book.We seem to be getting quite a few authors on here.

[Asimo]

Man, we need a "hug" button.

I havn't been where you are, but I have been alongside with someone going through all of this.

Seems to me that you never get over loss, you just learn to live with it.

[Matty]

14 minutes ago, Asimo said:

Man, we need a "hug" button.

I havn't been where you are, but I have been alongside with someone going through all of this.

Seems to me that you never get over loss, you just learn to live with it.

Comes and goes. My brother went at 24. I was 26. Im 44 now and whilst ive just got on with it, in my head im still absolutley furious. He was my best mate, couldnt get a fag paper between us. 

@Oi_Oi_Savaloy. Make use of the folk around you, talk about her and how you feel all the time. Dont do what i did. Doesnt help anyone. Best wishes to you pal.

[MAF260]

My father passed away 8 years ago. My mother recently said 'you never get over it, you just get used to it'.

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

Thanks for everyone's comments and thoughts; some very poignant posts.  I've been ill this week (but have had to keep going obviously ........but just the essentials) and I've not managed to give it to the kids.........but I've still got to go to work (which is costing me alot mentally - I'm just totally drained at the end of the day and unfortunately I've then got to come home and cook and look after the kids; when in actual fact all I want to do is crawl into my bed and sleep and try and forget).

I'm rethinking all the cars I've got now tbh (I've got 4, plus a tractor).  More on all that later.

[Westbay]

One day at a time Chap, one day at a time ...

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

A quick update on everything really.  

I've not done anything on the Lotus yet (my disco 4 has blown a turbo - goes into limp mode - or something has gone wrong - the brain power needed to diagnose and investigate simply isn't there right now so I've given it to my man - he just just does disco's for a body-off wallet-rapage).  Whilst it's off it'll have all the other bits done that you do when you've taken the body off too - so £5 to £6k worth I think - perhaps a tad more depending on what they find.

But the lotus is going to a chap called Giles Beck (based in Pembroke) - wonderful bloke - runs a small workshop...........but his real ace up his sleeve is he's an F1 mechanic - looks after DFV's.  He's also an E30 lover - sprints a tricked-out e30 - I met him at a sprint one-day about 15 years ago when I was an E30 botherer (of e30 tourings actually).  And then it's going to a boat specialist for a retrim too (we're on the coast here - marine retrimmers are far more prevalent than car retrimmers).

I'm also in the process of buying a Caterham - more on that once I've done so.  It's actually in the Will.  I've been saving up for one for about 20 years.............but each time I got close something came along, usually to do with the house or the kids, that took priority.  But life is short.  And my wife wrote it into her Will so I'm abiding by it.  It'll be at the cheaper end of the market but it must be drivable and then I'll have the time to improve it over my ownership.  

And finally the book. 

I've had an extraordinary response to the news that I'm writing it.  So many people have shared their illness journey (looking after a dying loved one or close family relative).  They learnt things on their journey (that shouldn't needed to have been learnt frankly) and some of them have been kind enough to share their advice and what they learnt with me too.  Stu on here (I hope you don't mind) shared particularly valuable information that has gone straight into the book for example.  Everyone I've chatted to about this has a story - usually of extreme anxiety, about a situation they encountered.  Those are the bits I want to hear - particularly how they tackled it (badly or otherwise).  it's been quite cathartic for people and in turn it's helped me realise I wasn't alone on my illness journey (or rather my wife's illness - my care journey might be more apt).  I went through some brutal moments (sorry, sounds selfish) during her last 12 days.............and if my book allows others to not go through some of that stress and anxiety............brilliant.  Utterly brilliant.

It's not a 'you must do it this way' book.............it's more - if you find yourself in this situation these are some of the things you might consider (and a step-by-step guide on how to do the things mentioned) kind of book.  Every journey is different.  Every person has a different perspective and experience - no two the same..........but there are definitely themes that run through these experiences - it's the themes I'm covering.  Definitely not a dictatorial sort of book.

So many people have cared for a loved one as they died...............and so many struggled with it - and there's literally no advice out there on how to do things - there's lots on the spiritual side of sickness/illness/grief for example...............but here's a small example; how to record your loved ones drug intake, especially if they are on 9 or 10 things the doctor or hospital has given you............so that if you happen to be on the phone at 3am in the morning, with a charity, trying to drum up a professional doctor to come out, with a distressed loved-one in the bed beside you, knowing you're going to have to get the kids up in 4 hours...........when you're absolutely broken from 10 days of this...........well, how you give clear information to that doctor (how much offered, how much actually intaked, of what and when, how much they've had to drink and eat).........that's the sort of advice and tips and how-to's that I cover.  When you've got 30 seconds to get her a drink but you need to measure the quantity but you don't have time to phaff with syringes or other shit - you just need to fill a glass and know how much you're giving her............it's that sort of stuff I'm writing about.

But I've actually gone right back to the beginning of the journey (diagnosis) and cover a plethora of areas that need covering (imo), need thinking about potentially and how to tackle them. The last 12 days (or the bit where they come home to die.................well that's covered too but that's been harder to write).  I keep on being reminded of things that I'd blocked out .........so I'm re-writing and re-thinking the advice and the how-to's.

I've also just been hit with a £500 payback to the dept of work and pensions (because I'd assumed that the 'tell me once service' that the govt runs operates quicker than it does - these were her PIP payments incidentally - they, rightly, want the money back they paid after she had passed...............so I now know the priority of notification.............tell Dept of Work and pensions first...........before the registrar...........to avoid the pain of paying a lump sum back).............yes, I'm not perfect - should have set it aside............but death admin (for want of a better word) is horrible, takes a long time, can be fraught depending on the company you're dealing with and it's very hard to understand how to do it, if this is your first time (so to speak).  And all whilst you're juggling your kids, the house, your work, cooking.............on your own.  The money just came in without me noticing and went out on basics tbh.  Anyway, enough.  As I say, I'm not perfect......happy to give it back............

Oh and the bank have just cancelled literally every direct debit I've got (joint account you see and it took 3 weeks for the computer to be told/updated  that one of the parties to the joint account had died and that triggered the computer to just............cancel everything).  Unravelling that f up has taken mental energy I really don't have much of.  I'm low on reserves you know?  It's just another inch of the rough-end of the death pineapple frankly.................

The Caterham is going to be pre-2000 I think - I don't have the budget for a bda-powered one..........but I want something that will bark/have character - a crossflow perhaps.  Or cxe/red-top.

Onwards!

Seize the day - seize it now.  the rainy day is now.  Time and health are so precious.  You don't realise you've lost both until you're beyond it and looking back.  

If you've had an experience you want to share - message me - i've had tremendous support from people on here - it's been a privilege to be part of this forum.  Continues to be.

 

[fatharris]

Got back to thinking about you @Oi_Oi_Savaloy as you mentioned it would have been her birthday in mid December, plus the turmoils of Xmas.

How are you holding up mate?

[motorpunk]

Also wishing Happy New Year to @Oi_Oi_Savaloy and hoping for an update on life, cars, and stuff.

[Noel Tidybeard]

maybe these guys can be of service to you

https://carers.org/

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

Deepest apologies everyone; the needs of the children and their grief (and me trying to juggle them, the house, the animals and my job) - all my time is consumed.  I'm not particularly sleeping at the moment either and I'm also busy writing the book too.  Although that's taken it's toll on me; I'm finding it hard to concentrate but the guilt of not writing it (because I'm convinced there are thousands of people lost, whom are going through what I did, and need practical advice) gets to me.

December, as others have been kind enough to remember, was hard because of my wife's birthday, then xmas, then new yr's.  I hadn't realised how tough new yr's was.  And I definitely hadn't given mothering sunday much thought (in terms of the impact it would have on the kids) but out of all the recent events, perhaps because of the timing, mothering sunday took a massive toll.

I'm a basket-case mentally if i even touch or skirt around thoughts of my wife, at the moment; I try to keep busy.  Putting off the inevitable I guess (there'll be a reckoning, there's always a reckoning).

No one warns you about the death-admin and how hard that is or how some companies have been amazing (vodafone for example) and others.............less so.  the company I work for have been amazing and at one stage got involved with basically sending a letter in that was a 'pre-firing some major fucks into you' letter to try to unblock an issue (they basically didn't believe me when I'd presented all the original documents, not copies, at great risk and cost, to them to prove she'd died only for them to reject the evidence).  If I had the energy I'd be outraged .........but I don't. 

I'm struggling to concentrate which takes it's toll (because I really, really have to - even so simple things as just sorting out meals - thinking about what I'm cooking tomorrow or at the weekend - nothing is shared anymore, with my wife I mean - it's all on me).  I get into my pit at night and I've this fatigue that sleep doesn't alleviate.  

I'm trying to keep the kids going to school (although when they ask me 'what's the point' I really have to put on my best thespian act and answer.............but frankly, I'm in the same boat as them - what is the point?  To see your loved-one die in front of you, to be left in no uncertain terms, by the doctors and nurses that any major decision is yours to make and yours alone - the least adept medical person in the room - no one prepares you for that or the inevitable toll it takes on you) because I don't want them in their rooms 24/7..........but they are suffering, as you can imagine.  We're all marked, we're all living a different life now, she's with us constantly - sometimes that's good, sometimes it's a pall over everything. It is just utterly beyond words.

There's no palliative care in Pembrokeshire.  I wont go over that again.  But those 12 days have taken their toll.  I often wonder how I got through it - but not too much because it pails into insignificance compared to what my wife went through of course. 

We spoke in ten mins bursts (she couldn't take anyone or anything for more than 10 mins) and one of the last things she said to me was 'get your caterham and your watch'.  (I'd saved up, in the background, with her knowledge, for about 12 years for a caterham............and finally, in 2019, I'd chosen a car etc etc and we were on the verge of getting it .......when reality hit - two of our children needed a different environment at school .............the only option?  fee-paying.  So naturally, family came first and my Caterham went on the back burner.  

Not this time.  Which is such a pity because she's not here but nevertheless. Deposit is down and I pick it up tomorrow.  

The watch?  My dad gave me his watch (that had been given to him by his sister whom was teaching in Switzerland at the time back in the late 60's) only for it to be nicked when the flat I was living in got burgled in '1998.  It was only off my wrist because the strap had broke.  I've still got the clasp actually.  I was bitterly disappointed and haven't bought anything since even though I've wanted something.  Anyway - that'll get bought too (and importantly ...........and I know this might sound odd............but I'm buying the car and the watch guilt-free so to speak).  They are both major purchases (if I get the watch I actually want.............but I'm still not sure I can justify).  I'm going with the car first - I think I'll derive greater enjoyment from it.

I took the kids to France in January (drove over 1,000 miles) and that was an adventure.  I found it harder/more tiring driving to Folkestone than the 800km in France if I'm honest.  

The kids were bored to utter tears with me banging on about the route Napoleon took up to Waterloo and other historic stuff I'd bang on about (Vercingetorix) - various other battles/thoughts on stuff..........but I think that stuff is important.  Much of the shit we're in now dates back to Waterloo/7 years war ...........it fell on deaf ears however.  Or perhaps it didn't - my youngest came downstairs and asked me a bout the Reichstag fire yesterday (give me the year and if you get the month right I'll put the kettle on for you)............so that's good.

It's a curious thing - life does go on............the kids know I'm hurting (I'm not hiding it but neither am i falling apart in front of them - they need stability, steadiness, a bit of laughter and love - pretty sure they don't need to see uncontrolled crying) and that's good.  But I miss her tremendously.  actually the words I can't really find the words to describe how much I miss her.

The cat and dog know something is up..............but the chickens are oblivious.  

Hug your loved ones - carpe futuo diem.

 

 

[Oi_Oi_Savaloy]

Finally; my middle daughter wrote this at 3.50am on Mothering Sunday - like me she doesn't sleep too well.  Not anymore.  She's 17. About to get an 'e' in her English GCSE, which, in my opinion just doesn't reflect her gift for the language.  A travesty in fact, imo.

 

Would it be mothers day without a post? Its been so long since I've actually written something of my own, so I've quickly coughed something up to distract me from sleeping... and also i reaaalllyyy cant resist writing a rhyming poem

This ones about the blurred lines between our personal life and the hospital. How one minute, I was in amongst an audience somewhere at some gig and the next I was with my family in a waiting room. I've always thought of the two of them as such separate places, but they slowly water down and become one of the same. It really nabs me in the core when I remember that for most people, they don't have any personal time outside of illness, as that was definitely the case for mum. It sort of sucked her in. One day you've got a diagnosis and before you know it, you're wearing your favourite pajamas and drinking out of your favourite water bottle while propped up in the hospital bed. It makes me sad when I remember there was a room on her ward for family visits, how so many families go through the same thing every day but somehow it feels like you're the only people on Earth experiencing such horror.

I also wrote a verse about the gap between your first steps and the present. I get sent a lot of pictures of mum and I from various different people and in most of them, I'm very small. With each day that goes by, I find theres not much difference between her and I apart from nowadays I know a lot more complex words then she does. You blink and you miss it. You blink and all that time disappears.

---

"Skin that purples sore and hot,

Skin that sweats and oozes and clots.

Moving my face to hide into hair I shaved and forgot,

We both know what it's like to be something we're not.

Crashing to the floor in the middle of the pit,

Cold hands that reach and from plastic I split.

Catching my breath as my face starts to sting,

I'm told it's the happiness inside the little things.

Heavy tears sinking into painted skin,

Small fake freckles glittering pink,

Blood that I taste as I thrash my head,

Blood stained through tubes I think of instead.

A heart that beats too much per minute, Cooped in a room that feels way too explicit.

Tiny feet, tiny hands, tiny babbling well said,

Aged into big platform boots that stand by her bed.

Weak wrinkled hands never noticed before,

Greeting young workers with fresh manicures.

"I used to do that when I was your age,"

I think it's sad how fast things can change.

When sat at tables and sat at desks,

Sat at sweet christmas dinners and big birthday fests,

With people that glow with warmth at their chest,

I'm smiling at nothing, I'm smiling my best.

Dark circles under your eyes no-one can see,

Thoughts in my mind that no-one can read.

Impish words that seem to bleed,

Poisonous writings can crush and succeed.

Muscles ripple and bones start to shake,

Smiling so wide that your face starts to ache.

It doesnt matter her rotting rooms I've seen,

I always rush back and I'm ever so keen.

Thumb the booklets handed to me at the exit,

Anchored feet making promises not to leg it.

Look your drained doctors dead in the eye,

Wouldn't it be easier just to "

[loserone]

"like" is so completely inadequate, if not wrong, a response, but reading your posts I can't help but feel you are incredibly strong and sound like you're doing well for yourself and your kids.

 

I hope the caterham brings some pleasure.