Shitting in the shallow end. *Arse friends electric*

[Jim Bell]

Just for fun, parked up next to some other peak commuting shite. 

[loserone]

Been there

 

[Jim Bell]

Did you see the paint from my old 25gti up the wall on the way in?

[paulplom]

Can I call first dibs please?

[Jim Bell]

47 minutes ago, paulplom said:

Can I call first dibs please?

Yeah man. Ill give you a shout when it's ready. 

[Jim Bell]

Up bright and early this morning with a plan to repatriate a French car from a Scottish country. It's not a sports car but it's faster that Brian. 

Morning Brian.

 

 

I've assembled all the tools I feel may be necessary on this IMPOSSIBLE MISSION and I'm already well in motion. 

 

 

And we are off to the races beige brothers. Stay tuned for French car action, pez shots, woolarding, at least two stories about bingo and much* munch* more. 

[Jim Bell]

1st leg of the mission is purest green. It has 1.3, a brand new clutch and will be piloted by a real female woman. 

 

"Yes I know the pissflap is open. It's broken." 

She is well sick of saying at every petrol station when helpful cunts point out the cap flap is open. 

Am I going to fix it?

No I am not. 

 

 

Start the clocks. We are off. 

[Jim Bell]

For those intending to lay a bet on the final p.c. I must warn you we are already on 4. Two were the dog on the grass round the block but I had to pick them up so technically I guess from a legal standpoint, they are "MY" poos. 

One for the doggers. 

[Flat4]

Chodspeed! Safe travels

[Jim Bell]

TO BE SUNG TO THE TUNE OF THE SOUND OF SILENCE BY SIMON AND GARFUNKEL.

Hello Central my old frieeeeeeeend. 

 

 

I'm right in side of you agaaaaaaaaaain. 

 

I'll stop to just get my tiiiiiiiicket. 

 

Then I'll pop in here to have a third shiiiiiiit. 

 

 

[Andyrew]

That's some serious shitting. 

Good luck good sir. 

[Jim Bell]

Today's destination is........

 

In the country of Scotland, winners of great Bannockburn world cup which celebrates it aniversary about now. 

Goan Scotland!

I hate the English too. 

Colonialist pricks. 

[Jim Bell]

Train is pretty empty. Save for a couple of folks and a screaming child. 

Who brings a screaming child onto the quiet carriage? 

A parent, that's who. If I've got to listen to it, EVERYONES gonna listen to it. 

 

Look at that carpet though. 

 

Magnificent. 

Worth the £20 fare on its own. 

 

[Jim Bell]

Time for a hearty breakfast. And by hearty I mean I'm scared to eat anything. 

This will do for STRENGTH, ENERGY and HYDRATION. 

Water is even Scottish themed. 

IM TAKING YOU HOME WATER, I SHALL GRANT YEE FREEDOM IN THE LAND OF YOUR FATHERS!

 

[Jim Bell]

Beautiful scenery. 

[Jim Bell]

Countryside isn't bad either to be fair. 

*Stings fields of barley plays softly*

[Jim Bell]

And out of the right window. The North sea. 

[Jim Bell]

First story about bingo. As promised. 

When I was about 11:00 my mam took me and my sister to the Hoppings ( https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hoppings ) .

We did all the usual childish 1990s Hoppings clichés, won a coconut, won a goldfish in a plastic bag, spewed on a stranger on the Waltzers, threw a toffee apple so it stuck to the side of a donkey, got bit off a travelers dog etc them my mam decided she wanted to go on the GOOD PRIZE BINGO stall on the main centre aisle of the fair.

Being a nice pleasant son I said I would play with her while my little sister fucked off to torment and eventually be bitten by a travelers dog.  

The caller shouted the numbers and my mam marked three cards. I marked one because I'm quite slow witted. We ended up sitting there for at least an hour because mother would not leave till we won something. 

Against all probability, I actually won a game and jumped up. BINGOHOUSE!!!!! I shouted. Everyone looked at me. This was the GOOD PRIZE BINGO STALL ON THE MAIN CENTRE ISLE so it was heaving. 

The caller said well done boy what prize does boy want, you point. Point at prize. Any prize. 

(I don't know what nationality he was but it wasn't one I was familiar with at the time)

I'd been eyeing up framed photograph of Samantha Fox (who was in the charts at the time) with both her tits out. This appealed to me as I was just cresting puberty. It was on the top shelf of the prize stack next to a waterproof digital divers watch. 

Yeah I'll have that, I thought and I pointed straight at it. 

The caller must have had a boss eye or something because he reached for a toy gun. 

Then my mam piped up. 

"No he doesn't want that. He wants the waterproof digital divers watch."

The caller went to get that. 

Then I stood up and said "No not that, the one next to that. "

The caller twigged on and said (on the fucking microphone) 

"Boy want titty picture? Ha! Boy want titty girl?"

Then he made a funny face and gesticulated like he was masturbating. 

Everyone laughed. 

Then he put the microphone where his penis would be and pretend to masturbate that, pointing at me every few seconds while everyone at the stall pissed themselves laughing. 

My mam had got up and walked away in shame by now but I waited till he'd finished and got my picture and carried home on the bus. 

I must have looked like a prize idiot (geddit) and my mam didn't talk to me for days. Not even at the hospital when my sister had to get her dogbite injection. 

[Jim Bell]

More seaside. Looks like rain. 

[garbaldy]

The only pictures i saw at the fun flairs where those funky mirror type ones, I ended up with some football one as a prize and I hate football too, fook knows how that happened.

Safe journey.

[Jim Bell]

Just now, garbaldy said:

The only pictures i saw at the fun flairs where those funky mirror type ones, I ended up with some football one as a prize and I hate football too, fook knows how that happened.

Safe journey.

You probably didn't go to the GOOD BIG PRIZE BINGO STALL ON THE MAIN CENTRE ISLE.  That was the one with the good prizes. That's what my mam used to say. Every ten minutes. 

[Jim Bell]

Northerning even more. 

[Jim Bell]

Smaller train now. 

Had to hustle like Sir Mo Farrah across Waverly. Was rather undignified. 

 

[Spiny Norman]

Good morning, sir!

Your fine French chariot will be waiting for you at the agreed time and place as arranged.  You'll be pleased to know I managed to get something that sounded a bit like Radio 2 out the stereo so you won't have to remember all the words  to an old Fleetwood Mac LP. ?

[Jim Bell]

Just now, Spiny Norman said:

Good morning, sir!

Your fine French chariot will be waiting for you at the agreed time and place as arranged.  You'll be pleased to know I managed to get something that sounded a bit like Radio 2 out the stereo so you won't have to remember all the words  to an old Fleetwood Mac LP. ?

Tremendous news man, thanks very much. Hope you had a nice lie in. 

 

[bigstraight6]

Brilliant so far, have you still got the picture of Sam Fox with both tits out?

[Jim Bell]

1 minute ago, bigstraight6 said:

Brilliant so far, have you still got the picture of Sam Fox with both tits out?

Sadly not man. My sister smashed it and ripped it up when I was away on a school trip because I made fun of her in front of her mates because she shit the bed once.

She won that round. I was devestated. 

[Jim Bell]

Someone's swatting up for the big Scotland exam on Monday. 

[Jim Bell]

Glazjaw

[tooSavvy]

..... Impressed! PhotoreverseBejiggery, eh.

*fail on exam swot = nae juggs oot (** fair, lyke thedd be under the table/on knees ? )

jogg onn, marrer