Datsuncog's Heaps: Sept 2023 - Another Year's T-Met Exemption Certificate...

[Split_Pin]

Oh dear, that sounds a bit borked. Im sorry for you as I know you liked that car

 

Forget the Sierra crew though, you'll get about 30 quid upwards from the Corsa B fanboys for the splitter, classic retro mod. I would word that accordingly on the ebay description.

[Noel Tidybeard]

oh no the Leprechauns have been and swapped yor renner engine for a mk2 chavalier engine with the famous ford square cam

[Guest Hooli]

"Hi, and welcome to another edition of Springwatch.

 

"We might have a bit of a treat for you tonight. The earlier wet weather has now cleared and dusk is falling on this slightly milder April evening, so many of our Springwatch creatures are now awake and moving around.

 

"Let's go over to Gillian in Carrick and see what's happening. Gillian?"

 

 

"Thanks Michaela. Well, in the past few minutes we've noticed some activity around the Rennergoon burrow, and, with the sun now set and the streetlights coming on, we think there's a good chance that we might finally catch a proper glimpse of this elusive little fella. And I think - yes, if we just go over to our burrowcam - yes, that's our male just there, on the step. You can see him there, in his blue polycotton and denim plumage, just sniffing the air there for danger."

 

"Why is it that he comes out around this time? Because we saw him about the same time last night, didn't we, very briefly?"

 

"Well, we're not really sure why this species becomes active around twilight - possibly just utter disorganisation, but there may be an element of shame also. And look - there he goes now, clutching his little socket set. Right over to his quarry, that green shitheap on the drive."

 

"Wow. Just look at him go. Up with the bonnet, jack under the sill, axle stand up - he's really going for it, isn't he?

 

"He is indeed! And for good reason. You see, it's vitally important to our little Rennergoon that he gets this shitheap running again. If he doesn't, then he won't mate at all this year - and possibly not next year either. So the stakes are pretty high here."

 

"What's he doing now? He's dragged all those bottles over to the shitheap, and seems to be working away underneath."

 

"Yes, if we can just switch to the nightvision cam - yes, there we go - we can actually see what he's doing under the shitheap. So we can see he's found the stupid little square key for the sump nut, and he's bodging that into a 19mm deep socket to get the nut off and extract the oil, if any, that's within."

 

"That's fascinating. And is that what he's going to catch the oil in?"

 

"Well - yes, he seems to have a plastic 1-litre measuring jug and - I'm not sure, I can't really see that doing the job properly - "

 

"Oh, there we go! There's the oil! Wow - and there's a lot of it. Oh dear - it's already nearly full of the black stuff. Oh look,he's realised his mistake - he's trying to get the sump plug back on again - oh, it's going everywhere!"

 

"No, he really didn't think that through, did he? Rennergoons are, unfortunately, not always that bright. He's tipping that brimming jug into the waste oil canister now, but he'll have a lot of clearing up to do later, I'm afraid."

 

"Why did he do that? Why didn't he just put the waste canister under the sump in the first place?"

 

"I'm not really sure, Michaela - possibly he was trying to measure the amount of oil taken out, but most likely our male's just a bit thick. Anyway, he seems to have perfected it now - there's another litre drained, and look how he's learning - he's not taking the sump plug all the way out anymore, so he can quickly screw it back in to stop the flow when he needs to."

 

"That's still a terrible mess on the drive, though."

 

"It is, though that's the least of his problems right now. I think that's all the oil now - just over two and a half litres, plus all the stuff that got spilled, so on estimate about three litres or so drained in total."

 

"Is that enough?"

 

"No, not really - we'd normally expect to see between five and six litres out of a shitheap like this, so it's possible our Rennergoon's in trouble. You can see him working away now using a very basic tool called a chain wrench, to get the oil filter off. Oh, there it goes."

 

"And that's a new filter he's putting on?"

 

"Yes, although it doesn't look quite the same as the old one, does it? And that's the sump nut going back on now, so I think we might - yes, he's filling it up now. Look at the concentration on his little face as he tries not to spill it all over the place."

 

"Is that it done?"

 

"Nearly - it looks like he's put five litres in now, and is clearing away the tools and bottles while waiting for that to settle. Yes - you can see him checking the dipstick now with his little torch. Oh - and there's another half-litre of 10w/50 going in, for good measure. And down off the stands and jack."

 

"I'm surprised he can see anything in the dark like that."

 

"Yes, but although our male's eyesight isn't too good either, he'll be used to fumbling in low light conditions with poor access. It's a survival technique, basically. Oh look - it appears that he's going to go for it."

 

"Yes, he's got the little keys in his hand - and opening the door. Ooh, this is exciting."

 

"We can see the lights on the dash come on and - ooooh. That doesn't sound right."

 

"Oh. That's - very loud, isn't it?"

 

"Yes, it shouldn't sound like that at all. There's a terrible knocking noise coming from the top of the engine. Like something wants to get out, very badly."

 

"He's letting it run... maybe in the hope of getting some more oil up around the camshaft and easing the noise?"

 

"Possibly, but it's not working. It's sounding worse, if anything."

 

"No, there he goes - he's given up."

 

"Yes - he's turned it all off and thrown everything back inside the shitheap."

 

"Oh, he does look cross, doesn't he?"

 

"Yes, he really does - look at him, stamping his tiny foot. Oh dear. He's not happy at all, our little Rennergoon.You can sense his frustration. Ah - there he goes, scuttling back into the burrow. I don't think we'll see him again tonight."

 

"Aw. I feel a bit sorry for him - they look almost human in a way, don't they? Well, that's a sad end, but thanks for that Gillian - always fascinating to see these little fellas in the wild."

 

"No problem Michaela. Back to you in the studio."

 

Sorry for the troubles, but that post alone is proof you should be writing for a living.

[beko1987]

Oh my aching sides!

 

Doesn't sound much worse than my xantia did after it stripped a bit of the cambelt, and that lived for another 8 months

 

Before exploding the sump out, which may or may not have been related...

 

Either let it die in style with a brick on the accelerator, or drive it to the weighbridge... Or see how long you get from it, but it'll go again sadly, unless you rebuild the engine

[tommytwo]

Thanks, OP, for a very enjoyable Laguna tale. Reminded me what happened with my 1985 CVH engined Escort.  It blew the cam shaft seal out one morning and clattered like crazy as lost all oil pressure. Replaced the seal and while running the engine, heard a tinkling noise behind me. The oil filler cap had blown clean off the top of the engine, must have just missed me. I still did not join all the dots!

 

Eventually, I figured out that the engine must have been choked with oil sludge. I drained the old oil, put 10% engine oil in along with a gallon of paraffin, and ran the engine on idle for 45 minutes. Drained and refilled with fresh oil along with a new filter, and it ran perfect for the next 15k miles until it was sold.

 

In view of my experience, I would guess that the Laguna engine has been neglected, not had fresh regular oil changes and is choked with oil sludge. I would certainly not write the car off at this stage.

[SierraMikeHotel]

A "like" for the writing, not for your troubles! Keep it coming, and I look forward to your novel...

[mrbenn]

Just a thought, and I'm really clutching at straws here, but do these Lagunas have hydraulic tappets?

 

Chap I know had his car sitting for a year or so, when he started it up it made the most awful noise, very top end-y. He was of the "shit or bust" camp, so set off to take it for a gentle run. After about 2 miles it suddenly went quiet, he guessed that the tappets must have finally filled up with oil. Been fine since.

 

Perhaps the low oil level has completely emptied the lifters and they need a while to pump up? As I say, proper hand - straw interface here...

[Parky]

Could be something in what Mr Benn has suggested. Long shot but but you can't make it more broken than it already is.

 

If any of the cam lobes look scratched and gouged, then the cam is shot. Of course you could try finding a replacement one, but then you are in major surgery territory and the car may not justify it. Anyway, your efforts might be better spent with KAZ.

 

Thicker oil might quiten things down a little. I read about a chap with a Rover V8 with a knackered motor and he limped it along on a succession of thicker and thicker oils until he was using EP80 gear oil in it!!

[egg]

I'm the last person on here to give useful technical advice, but could oil pump failure be involved?

[Guest Hooli]

I'm the last person on here to give useful technical advice, but could oil pump failure be involved?

 

If the oil warning light goes out when it's started then the pump is working.

 

I agree with the run it for a 5mins to see if the tappets fill up etc, it always takes a while as they have tiny feed holes.

[Parky]

 

I agree with the run it for a 5mins to see if the tappets fill up etc, it always takes a while as they have tiny feed holes.

Which hopefully aren't jammed up with bits of camshaft lobe!

[jbz2079]

Ohh deary deary dear that's broken, hydraulic tappets don't usually make that sort of noise.

That is one singular thing inside the cam area that is broken and being slapped around, like a broken cam finger.

A look under the cam cover won't hurt there might be an easy fix but knowing what happened I would not place any chips on fixing it.

Still it would be nice to know what is broken.

[Datsuncog]

Okay, so. Another day, another stab at diagnosing the problem with this hateful bastard.

I started it up. It still  sounded horrid.

I let it run for a bit. It sounded... slightly less horrid? Maybe? It was hard to tell reality from wishful thinking.

Mrs DC then offered her services to feather the throttle a bit while I stroked my beard and made suitably thoughtful noises. At idle, mucho clonking. At 1500 - 2000 rpm, though... it sounded a bit more alright. Like, normal.

Heartened, I walked round the car for a bit... then started to think, "There's quite a lot of white smoke coming out of the exhaust... I wonder if that's condensation."

Then came the rather more urgent thought of "There's quite a lot of white smoke coming out from under the bonnet..."

Fuckitty fuckitty fuck.

Gesticulating wildly to Mrs DC, the engine was killed... and under the bonnet, much confusion.
 

Once the smoke cleared it became obvious that it was not smoke at all, but steam. Coming from the back of the bay.

The heater pipe junction turned out to be completely disconnected, and merrily spewing forth its contents with many a cheery gurgle onto the now hot block.

Whether this disengagement happened on Monday, yesterday or today I have no idea. I didn't have it running long enough yesterday evening for the engine to get hot.

Better yet, the heater junction thing won't go back on, for reasons still unknown. The coolant was nearly all gone - I tipped in three litres of water before it started dribbling from the disconnected pipe. As advised earlier though, the temperature gauge was reading normal at the FTP point on Monday.

The white smoke from the exhaust set bells a-ringing... and lo, on opening the oil filler cap, a fine frosting of white mayo was observed in my fresh oil from last night...

Light me a candle, dudes. I think she's beyond earthly help now.

[Parky]

K-Seal and Gumtree.....

 

Obv swap all the good bits over to KAZ first!

 

That way you could flick TAZ on as a rare factory sport model with special base interior or something

[Datsuncog]

^^^ Heh, ultra-rare Laguna Rallye, with steelies and whatnot... ace!

[Datsuncog]

Sometimes, there's only one cure for the shit-car blues... flipping great wodges of cake.



Renners can GTF for the remainder of the day.

[Split_Pin]

^ Good idea!

[beko1987]

Could send it round the oval and toast it goodbye?

[Parky]

Or leave it somewhere REALLY dodgy.

 

"Sorry to hear your car got stolen and burned out Datsuncog"

 

"Shhhhh, it's not happening until later!"

[Pillock]

Or push it in the sea and claim on the insurance.

 

"Big boys did it and ran away".

 

Commiserations Datsun. Perhaps if it was just the oil thing, maybe..... But this little shit clearly doesn't want to get fixed, it's like a petulant toddler where you eventually get one shoe on which is kicked off whilst you put the other one.

 

The answer? The big claw machine at the scrapyard.

[Pillock]

Disclaimer: that only works on the car, not toddlers.

[Stanky]

but the threat does work on them.

[Parky]

I have yet to meet a toddler that couldn't break a large piece of heavy duty industrial equipment in about two minutes flat.

[Datsuncog]

Quote

Or push it in the sea and claim on the insurance.

"Big boys did it and ran away".

Commiserations Datsun. Perhaps if it was just the oil thing, maybe..... But this little shit clearly doesn't want to get fixed, it's like a petulant toddler where you eventually get one shoe on which is kicked off whilst you put the other one.

The answer? The big claw machine at the scrapyard.

 

I think you could be right... I believe I stated back in November that this car hated me and didn't want to live... I think that it may have achieved its ambition. Even if fixed, this car cannot ever be trusted, and for that reason it's parts at best. As with PurpleBargeKen's recent Rover 75 debacle, sometimes you've gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. As far as TAZ is concerned, ah'm oot.

So then... KAZ. This afternoon, while waiting for TAZ to finish bubbling, I put the HT testers on the plugs just to see and... nada. Nowt. Did sound slightly less strained, slightly more coughy - like it was on the verge of starting - but no flashy lights could I see at the tips of the leads. Maybe it is an electrical fault then, not fuel? Easy-Start did nowt the other day... intriguing. I may yet tap Mr TADTS of this locality and take up his kind offer to pop down and point and laugh...

Also, just to throw another wildcard into the mix, over coffee and disgustingly huge wodges of cake, Mrs DC revealed that she would quite fancy a Subaru Forester...

[Parky]

Alrite M8 swp 4 2 broken Renna Lagunas? Ezy fix just ain't got time

 

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/2003-Subaru-Forester-2-0-X-Auto-AWP-Petrol/263578082681?hash=item3d5e7a5d79:g:63AAAOSw68lamXxB

[scdan4]

That sounds awful.

 

But the oil seems to be staying in.

 

You said it had tax and test till the end of the month. I think I’d just bodge it with hosepipe and jubblys( and it’s now spring so it won’t need a heater, which might make it easier), and see if it lasts the month.

 

Low coolant will make bad noises louder...

[SiC]

I don't think there's a better time for this meme.

[They_all_do_that_sir]

^^^ I think you could be right... I believe I stated back in November that this car hated me and didn't want to live... I think that it may have achieved its ambition. Even if fixed, this car cannot ever be trusted, and for that reason it's parts at best. As with PurpleBargeKen's recent Rover 75 debacle, sometimes you've gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. As far as TAZ is concerned, ah'm oot.

 

So then... KAZ. This afternoon, while waiting for TAZ to finish bubbling, I put the HT testers on the plugs just to see and... nada. Nowt. Did sound slightly less strained, slightly more coughy - like it was on the verge of starting - but no flashy lights could I see at the tips of the leads. Maybe it is an electrical fault then, not fuel? Easy-Start did nowt the other day... intriguing. I may yet tap Mr TADTS of this locality and take up his kind offer to pop down and point and laugh...

 

Also, just to throw another wildcard into the mix, over coffee and disgustingly huge wodges of cake, Mrs DC revealed that she would quite fancy a Subaru Forester...

More than welcome, however consumption of wine has already begun this evening.

 

If I had to stab in the dark I would suggest checking fuses / relays....battery has enough umph (tried jumping it?).....100% it's not immobiliser related?

Do these have a TDC sensor? And if so is it the same part in both cars?

 

Sent from my F3211 using Tapatalk

[mrbenn]

Bumhats. Don't suppose the oil cap gunk could be residual from recent short trips?

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

How much on the scales for two non working Lagunas?

 

That is is utterly fucked. That will go bang quite spectacularly if driven. It's done its 20 odd years, time to recycle it. The other one as well?

 

Harsh maybe but the UK is full of decent working cars that are next to worthless. I was at Charles Trents today in Rugby and a bloke drove in with a red S reg Pug 406. Nothing wrong with it, just getting rid. It made me realise (again) that worthless problem cars should just be bridged.