The Future of Shite is Doomed - Frankfurt Horror Show Report

[Sloth in a bowl]

 

 

 

I love the way that they have made this look like a polished turd from the off, as though their marketing team are having a private joke.

[406V6]

Anyway ,that Jag thing sounds as if it's only the size of an X3....

I looked at the spec and was shocked to see that the Jag F-thing is even longer than my 406

[D Spares & Tyres]

Won't care about any of that crap for 20 years then I'll see whats left thats cheap and interesting and reliable. If any.

[RoadworkUK]

PRODUCTZ!

 

MUST CONSUME!

[Sudsprint]

Meanwhile at the Autoshite early 70's Motorshow all is well...

[LC Torana]

So what will I be driving in 15 years' time?

 

Easy.  My 1976 Rover P6B.

[sierraman]

I like that Talisman, I can see me in 12-15 years having one of those. Waiting for the day it explodes in a furious display of steam and black smoke at the side of the M5.

 

Will they sell it in the UK is my next question?

[Junkman]

Just so you see that I wasn't exaggerating, this is HALF of the Mercedes stand:

 

[Barry Cade]

Just so you see that I wasn't exaggerating, this is HALF of the Mercedes stand:

 

I was there last time it was on, 2 years ago in the HFH MGF. The Merc stand truly was huge, but so busy all I saw was the back of other peoples heads, and I got into trouble from the stand staff for queueing correctly. I swerved the Audi stand altogether. I got tired of all the glossy stands, and plastic wimmin trying to get my Email address so spent the rest of the day in the smaller halls looking at crazy Chinese shite and also the stand with the cars from 1984. I preferred those by a long way. Have to say though, the Renault stand was excellent.

 

This was better than the "new" Merc stand, the "old Merc stand where they take stars from the Merc back catalogue and rebuild them with some modern good stuff. I suppose some new stuff is worth having...

 

 

[Tamworthbay]

Meanwhile at the Autoshite early 70's Motorshow all is well...

that would be a dream garage for me, I would love any/ all of those. Why o why didn't I buy a sud when they were cheap?

[Junkman]

If you didn't guess it already, the new Prius looks daft from the front as well:



 
Borked Wart makes a comeback everyone was eagerly waiting for since 1961 with the dulcetly monikered BX7:
 

 
GR12 4 tailgating:

 
Führerwagen's Sportage got an uglier front with miss-matched grille inserts:

 
Chrome plated exorzt tips cost extra:

 
According to Fiat, their new 307CC copy has not 22%, not 24%, no, no, but 23% better performance, thanks to some witchcraft called
"aluminium". They also installed a few patches on a software called Side Slip Angle Control (SSC2, I shit you not!) and it can thus
accelerate not 11%, not 13%, no, no, but 12% better away from corners. That'll teach them Stuttgarters...
 

 
Hyundai unveiled the brand new i30 Streetwise, which has been available in India for a while:

 
A Taiwanese start up company called Thunder Power (I'm NOT making this up!) wants to help saving The Planet by contributing
to the opencast mining of lithium. Why all automakers, that are pulling their scam based on brainwashed people's guilt complex, at
the same time think, those people have a desire to drive something that makes them look as daft as they actually are, is beyond me.
 

 
This is the new Opel Astra (Opel is the abbreviation of saying "THEM IZ ORL SHT M8" in German):

 
However, it's the only car in the past 30 odd years, that is actually smaller and lighter than its predecessor.
It even comes with an ashtray at no extra cost:

 
The Skoda Rapid Spaceback isn't rapid and has no space in the back:

 
Hence it will be the chariot of choice for non-UBER-cabbies.
 
 
Peugeot showed something red and black that I actually WOULD. The obligatory ATCNBE unfortunately doesn't apply here, because
the car has the most half arsed two tone paint job I've ever seen:

 
Inside it's an Astra:

 
Vauxhall's new white van is partially brown and has roof bars for carrying ladders as standard equipment:
 

 
Dacis's Duster Streetwise is now called Urban Explorer. I'd rather buy an A-Z city map.

 
 
 
Would! Especially on the windscreen surround.

 
 
Sufucki Bologni:

 
Milkfloat meets MGTF and calls the offspring Artega Scalo:

[Junkman]

The Honda Civic "Tourer Active Life Concept". "Estate" is soooo last century...
 

 
 
The "Future" looks a lot like a cross between a '63 Corvette and a '66 Charger from this point of view. Just not as good as either.

 
Which confirms what I always say, even the future used to be better in ye goode olde dayse.
 
The Audi Q5 that's not a BMW X3 but a Jag:

 
 
The new G-Wagen. Clearcoat not included.

 
 
This is the second car of the show that - contrary to a trend going on for merely 30 years - actually became smaller and lighter:

 
 
Almost Mango interior:

 
From an Astra though. Or a Kia. Or some fucking thing that isn't a car.
 
 
If you still wear Afro-Look or a top hat, but have too much badge snobbery for buying a Skoda Roomster, this is for you:

 
 
Renault, or Borgward, who knows, also makes a Datsun pick up now. It's called "Alaska" to commemorate all the dead polar bears it causes.

 
 
The Edge. In brown.

 
 
Superb SportLine (vulgo: Estate). According to the manufacturer, it can be motorized (again, I'm NOT making this up!).

 
 
 
The new TofaÅŸ is one of the very few things at the show, that remotely resemble a car:

 
Why they call it after a part of the Mediterrean near Greece, where currently a lot of women and children drown, beats the shit out of me.
 
 
 
Mercedes V Class.

 
Stay tuned, next year there will be the V2 Class. With an SS option package. A batch of them will be used as Auschwitz shuttle buses.
 
 
VW finally replaces the MK1 Golf Cabrio:

 
 
 
This Aston Martin is a Hyundai:

 
The interior looks like those upper middle price range hotel rooms:

[Lukas]

Today in the evening news: The IAA is setting a new visitor-record. The first day the show is open for the public, there were more than 10.000 visitors or so.

 

People think they like new cars because they like them. But I think people like the new cars because the marketing-people brainwashed them to do so. 

[Junkman]

To be honest, I'm in awe, that people around me can tell those new cars apart. They can also talk about mobile phones in some kind of secret insider code and know the football results.

I often feel like an errant dinosaur. But there is a sancturary for errant dinosaurs. It's called Autoshite and I bet it's surrounded by dinosaur spotters watching us with virtual binoculars.

[rovamota]

I recently read the Autocar Motor Show special from 1995 and still wish I could afford all the cars in that. All those motor shows are full of pretentious twaddle on a grand scale. Even this years NEC Classic Motor Show has a 'premium' hall, which usually means a fully carpeted stand the size of half a football pitch will have about 5 Maserati's on it. The chod is in Hall 4, well I think it is because that's where we've been shoved.

 

WTF is all that about?

[rml2345]

I like the angry Hyundai and that concept things arse but can't understand why the windows are tiny. How the hell do you drive a coal bunker? It's no wonder they need ActiveCrash, pedestrian safety exploding bonnet and 17 airbags, you can't see where you're going.

[Junkman]

BMW Boss Krüger collapsed during the presentation of the new cars:

 

 

http://metro.co.uk/2015/09/15/bmw-boss-collapses-on-stage-during-frankfurt-auto-show-presentation-5391934/

[Bear]

I like the Mercedes concept. It takes active aerodynamics to a logical conclusion, but I can't see it entering production and I can't see it being terribly relevant to the UK if it did - a car which does that is intended to be in a clear outside lane passing other traffic at 130mph, geared to be incredibly efficient at those speecs due to the reduced drag. A car which grows a bit when it goes over 50 is going to be like a broken transformer on the M1 - and liable to end up extending the rear fairing into the front of a Nissan Juke.

[steve_earwig]

BMW Boss Krüger collapsed during the presentation of the new cars:

 

 

http://metro.co.uk/2015/09/15/bmw-boss-collapses-on-stage-during-frankfurt-auto-show-presentation-5391934/

"The American NOx limits are how low?"

 

The i8 car that Krueger was due to unveil is powered by an electric motor and has a 1.5 litre three-cylinder petrol engine.

Ah, that explains the light-headedness.

[J-Rod]

Have to agree, the current Mazda 6 is one of the best looking cars in production IMHO. As long as they don't rot as spectacularly as the previous model I'd be well keen on one at shite money.

I'll wait for the 2025 raffle...  

[DSdriver]

The BMwobbleyews on page 1 look rather like angry owls. That is as far as I got (page 1 that is).

[Zantimisfit]

 

MINI

 

They finally succeeded in out-sizing a 1973 Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser:

 

 

They say the ECU now contains the largest micro-chip of the World.

 

 

 

 

This lot really have jumped the shark now. Seriously, do they not understand irony?! 

 

 

 

Thats nowhere near big enough! Why dont they make it more like one of those long wheelbase Checkers with about eight doors down each side...now that would be a proper MINI

 

[Angrydicky]

Junkman, calm down. Relax. Remember that car production stopped in 1986. These aren't cars, they're blobs. Carry on, as you were.

[gordonbennet]

Christ, i keep returning to this thread, dunno why the bloody heaps on show just get uglier each viewing, my Mrs can't believe it.

WTF would possess anyone with an ounce of taste let alone sense sink more than the price of a pint of cheap beer into any one of those bloody monstrosities, seriously you couldn't pay me enough to own one.

 

Utter shit, who the fuck signed off on those gaping stupid grills, Stevie Wonder?, next thing it'll be Tardis grills where the effin thing is wider and higher than the car somehow, holographed projection or summat...don't put it past the twats nor the numbskulls who buy into it.

[Junkman]

Junkman, calm down. Relax. Remember that car production stopped in 1986. These aren't cars, they're blobs. Carry on, as you were.

 

If there is someone who should relax, I suggest it's BMW boss Krüger. I feel sorry for people so under pressure that they collapse on their job.

For me, this was symbolic for everything that went wrong in the car industry since 1986. Instead of establishing a long term strategy to build more sustainable cars that are easier on the environment, they had to buckle under the pressure of the holy cow aka shareholders, while decepting customers and authorities alike with criminal actions. It doesn't work that way and the collapse is unavoidable.

As for the cars themselves - what doesn't look right isn't right.