Shite Express - relay chod delivery system (spin off from Phil's SD1 thread)

[Guest Breadvan72]

Distance can be a killer, but the ingenuity of the shite mind knows no beginnings, and thus, I lay before you Breadvan's patented heap-U-don't like as much as you thought you would when you saw the photos delivery system:

 

Problem:  To get Heap Z from Gaff A (miles away) to Gaff B (fooking miles away).

 

Method:  Apply X petrol stations and Y shiters, where Y is X plus 1.

 

Solution:

Shiter 1 (seller) drives Heap Z from Gaff A to Pez 1 and meets ....

 

Shiter 2, who drives Shiter 1 back to Gaff A and then drives Heap Z to Pez 2, where he meets...

 

Shiter 3, who drives Shiter 2 back to Pez 1 then drives Heap Z on to Pez 3, where he meets...

 

Shiter 4, who drives Shiter 3 back to Pez 2 and then goes on with Heap Z to Pez 4, where he meets ,,,,

 

Shiter 5, who drives Shiter 4 back to Pez 3 and then drives Heap Z on to Gaff B where he meets ...

 

Shiter 6 (buyer), who drives Shiter 5 back to Pez 4, and then drives the now terminally shagged out Heap Z to the scrapper.     

 

Each shiter puts some pez into Heap Z .in return for the honour and glory of driving said heap.  Poorly focused smartphone money shots obligatory at all pez stations, preferably with the two shiters sharing a handshake and some disgusting garage snack or cup of congealed wombat jizz masquerading as coffee.

 

This system might only work -

(a) never, and 

(b if the car was so cool and/or so shitey as to inspire legions of shiters to step forward and say ...

[NorfolkNWeigh]

This plan sounds as straightforward as getting the Vulcan that bombed Port Stanley runway down to the South Atlantic using 13 Victor refueling tankers.

If an SD1 is to be involved, it'll probably involve the same amount of fuel.

[beko1987]

How would said shiter who is now stranded 20-30 miles away get home? Or would we have to rope our other halves into the plan to follow us and retrieve us once the dirty deed is done?

 

What happens if a wheel falls off?

[af1]

I like it

[DVee8]

Autoshite at its best again  

[Sigmund Fraud]

How would said shiter who is now stranded 20-30 miles away get home? Or would we have to rope our other halves into the plan to follow us and retrieve us once the dirty deed is done?

 

What happens if a wheel falls off?

 

Shitter X+1 could have DOUBLE the honour* and glory* of shite driving by offering to return Shitter X back home. This would have the added advantage of allowing Shitter X adequate time to hand over the various problems of the car :

 

-FECK ! THE BRAKES DON'T WORK !

-Oh, yes... How could I forget ! The front brakes were binding so I clamped both hoses with mole grips. Handbrake seems to be OK, though.

[catsinthewelder]

I could see this being an excellent plan if car swappage is involved.  Simply swap over cars at the pez station with the added bonus that all the shitters along the routes other halves can be thoroughly confused that they've got a different car overnight.

 

As it's being replaced with a London Based Renault can I suggest Plan B

 

Phil (shitter A) drives to pez station 1 and meets shitter B in car B (Belmont?),  car swappage occurs and Shitter B drives east to meet Shitter C at pez station 2 in the SD! while Phil takes car B home,  Shitter B drives home in car C (Cortina) While Shitter C drives eastwards to meet Shitter D etc

 

This continues until Shitter Q meets the buyer (EssDeeWon) at the Renault sellers house in London.  EssDeeWon hands the Money for the SD1 straight to the Renault seller who has been Paypalled the rest as a deposit (there's probably a better way of doing this bit involving a trusted local shitter).

 

Shitter Q now sets off Westwards in the Avantime hoping that shitter P has looked after his Quattroporte.  Shitter A (Phil) recieves his new car within a week or so depending on how many cars broke down en-route.

 

Simples

[af1]

Did someone mention Belmont??!?

[Junkman]

All J-reg Protons must be saved.

[brickwall]

"Hello Sir. Do you have any reason why I've stopped you?"

 

"Uhmmmm..."

[Guest Breadvan72]

How would said shiter who is now stranded 20-30 miles away get home? Or would we have to rope our other halves into the plan to follow us and retrieve us once the dirty deed is done?

 

What happens if a wheel falls off?

 

 

Which Shiter?  Each of Shiters 1 to 5 is returned to his or her point of departure by the next Shiter in sequence.  Shiter 6 gets the bus back from the scrapyard, and serve him right for (1) buying some heap of old shit in the first place, and (2) letting a bunch of random fuckwits rag it to fook all across this Sceptred Isle.  Job, as they say, jobbed. 

[Sloth in a bowl]

I could see this being an excellent plan if car swappage is involved. Simply swap over cars at the pez station with the added bonus that all the shitters along the routes other halves can be thoroughly confused that they've got a different car overnight.

 

As it's being replaced with a London Based Renault can I suggest Plan B

 

Phil (shitter A) drives to pez station 1 and meets shitter B in car B (Belmont?), car swappage occurs and Shitter B drives east to meet Shitter C at pez station 2 in the SD! while Phil takes car B home, Shitter B drives home in car C (Cortina) While Shitter C drives eastwards to meet Shitter D etc

 

This continues until Shitter Q meets the buyer (EssDeeWon) at the Renault sellers house in London. EssDeeWon hands the Money for the SD1 straight to the Renault seller who has been Paypalled the rest as a deposit (there's probably a better way of doing this bit involving a trusted local shitter).

 

Shitter Q now sets off Westwards in the Avantime hoping that shitter P has looked after his Quattroporte. Shitter A (Phil) recieves his new car within a week or so depending on how many cars broke down en-route.

 

Simples

You Sir, work for Birmingham City Council's financial planning department AICMFP

Either that or you have shifted a few housing backed grade AAA bonds around the world.

[messerschmitt owner]

It sounds like an aa relay recovery option gone bad. Wcpgw

[chrisjvm]

Thanks for this A.D.D inducing thread.

Now I've had a double dose of Ritalin it

makes complete sense to me ... I'm in!

[NorfolkNWeigh]

I could see this being an excellent plan if car swappage is involved.  Simply swap over cars at the pez station with the added bonus that all the shitters along the routes other halves can be thoroughly confused that they've got a different car overnight.

 Simples

Is it compulsory to keep with the other half you started with ? It would make it easier to swap partners at the same time as cars to save confusion.

I'm pretty sure this sort of thing went on during 'the fishing trip' sorry I meant Shitefest Cymru.

[rml2345]

This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Count me in!

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

Those people who are claiming this is confusing, I have drawn you an A4 sized printable diagram.

 

 

Of course that is an idealised version of the scheme, here is a more realistic version:

 

[twosmoke300]

That pic , and in fact this whole thread , remind me of the beginning of the film Catch me if you can.

[Guest Breadvan72]

Those pics are for me the greatest things ever seen on the internet. Now at last I understand life.

[Sloth in a bowl]

What I like about the whole scheme is that it assumes that everybody lives at a garage.

 

In an idealized shiteworld we would all own garages with extra chod storage, but my nearest garage is a good 15 minutes walk away and it's a bugger to find from the motorway network.

[New POD]

I have already offered to Drive (on a Monday at 5am) any car South from MISERYSIDE to Hemel Hempstead. (or a station where I can get to Hemel for 9 am on a Monday Morning) or Back via Runcorn Station (where one of my cars is parked at £8 a day FFS) on a Friday afternoon.  All the buyer has to do is pay for a days temp insurance and make sure the seller fills the tank with fuel.

[Guest Breadvan72]

This plan sounds as straightforward as getting the Vulcan that bombed Port Stanley runway down to the South Atlantic using 13 Victor refueling tankers.

If an SD1 is to be involved, it'll probably involve the same amount of fuel.

 

Just like that, and just as pointless and stupid!

[Cavcraft]

I have no real idea of the entire plot but what are people going to do for insurance?

[catsinthewelder]

Probably use our driving other cars 3rd party cover and try not to crash.

[Guest Breadvan72]

So, did this happen yet?

[AlabamaShrimp]

Count me in, to what I'm not sure yet but I'll get it in the end

[Pillock]

That diagram is genius. I still don't understand why we now all live in petrol stations but I'm laughing so much I don't care.

[Guest Breadvan72]

I love the inclusion of the Morison's cheap-ass pezzer outlet.

[Guest Breadvan72]

Given that I used to own two big V8s and am currently borrowing one I pay more wong to petrol stations than I do in rent so I might as well live in one.