Autoshite Top Tips

[Cavcraft]

'My wife doesn't like it'  Which actually means it's completely fucked and it's the shittest, most pathetic excuse I can come up with.

[sierraman]

I once traipsed all the way to Nottingham to look at a Sierra 1.6 3 door. Which on the face of it was a rare beast. The seller was adamant that it was a beaut, 1 owner, 50 thou on clock. Arrived early to the seller just having 'popped to the shops'. On arriving back the car was a complete dog, the engine was undergoing a constant oil change judging by the oil leaking profusely through every orifice. The only reason the diff wasn't leaking was the baked on oil crust that encased the unit was holding the marmite in.

[Justin Case]

No 471 - Adding 'Not Ferrari, Bugatti, Aston Martin, Maserati, Bentley, Lamborghini, Porsche, Gucci, Louis Viton*, Rolex, Cartier' to the title will guarantee a swift and lucrative sale for your Ford Escort 1.4L.

 

* Preferred spelling amongst Ebay buyers

[e287yba]

Washing up liquid with a tea spoon of sugar washing powder added makes a useable swarfega-with-chlorine-fumes alternative when dealing with oily hands......

 

 

Edited to reflect  the olden days (1990s) - admittedly Sugar works almost as well (NB this is NOT recommended for Psoriasis sufferers ), but if one wants to go for the burn  and have clean hands hovering over the foil trays at the next Society meet...

 

[vulgalour]

All the best cars can be got in Daarset and Wales for very little money but unfortunately since these places are not yet connected to the main road system and only have electricity and internet on alternate weekdays, communication and collection is absolutely impossible.

[autofive]

if you would like to waste 20 minutes or so simply wander into someones premises and talk about the first thing you see, without any prior knowledge or intention to buy, while not listening to anything said but stopping the worker from doing any work.

 

a variation on this 'time waste' is for the 'wastee' to ask the busy oily-handed worker for something that the wastee thinks is not available. The worker may then spend ten minutes looking for said item and once found the wastee will insist on going to the mini-bank to pay for it and be back in five minutes NEVER to rerturn

 

a further variation on this involves coming back after 6 months or a year and asking if the said item is still available and then 'nipping off to the mini-bank' again, and so the cycle is complete.. 

[Junkman]

Always use the following expressions inappropriately:

 

accessary, accessory

axel, axle

bass, base

bee, be

break, brake

brought, bought

buy, by, bye

caster, castor

ceiling, sealing

censer, censor, sensor

cereal, serial

cite, sight, site

complement, compliment

creak, creek

currant, current

cymbol, symbol

desert, dessert

deviser, divisor

dew, due

die, dye

discreet, discrete

done, dun

dual, duel

fare, fair

flair, flare

for, fore, four

gait, gate

gays, gaze

grate, great

hangar, hanger

hear, here

heard, herd

hew, hue

hi, high

higher, hire

holey, holy, wholly

idle, idol

it's, its

knew, new

knob, nob

knock, nock

know, no

laps, lapse

lead, led

leak, leek

lite, light

lo, low

might, mite

miner, minor, mynah

missed, mist

one, won

of, off

pair, pare, pear

paten, patten, pattern

pea, pee

peace, piece

peal, peel

pedal, peddle

pleas, please

principal, principle

real, reel

retch, wretch

right, rite, wright, write

role, roll

rose, rows

rota, rotor

rough, ruff

sea, see

seam, seem

seas, sees, seize, cease

sort, sought

staid, stayed

stationary, stationery

steal, steel

straight, strait

talk, torque

tare, tear

there, their, they're

threw, through

throes, throws

throne, thrown

tide, tied

to, too, two

toad, toed, towed

tough, tuff

wail, wale, whale

waist, waste

wait, weight

ware, wear, where

way, weigh, whey

weak, week

we'd, weed

weal, we'll, wheel

weather, whether

weir, we're

wheald, wheeled

which, witch

while, wile

whine, wine

whinge, winch

white, wight

who's, whose

wood, would

yaw, yore, your, you're

 

Make sure you write bumber instead of bumper, and cill instead of sill.

Although the latter is strictly speaking correct, I have an inexplicable urge to lynch everyone who uses the word 'cill'.

 

On a more serious note, I know I'm not infallible and make many mistakes. I appreciate when people correct me, since I want my English to be veri clin. Honestly now.

 

 

Oh, and

 

happy bidding...

[John F]

The spelling "cill" is only accurate (historically at any rate) as an architectural term, isn't it?

 

I submit that it would only be used by spackers* in connection with a motor vehicle.

 

Anyway...

 

"Vehicle in daily use, great little runner, never let me down, never needed any work doing to it", blah blah blah... followed a couple of sentences later by "I've only got the new keeper section of the V5". So if you've only just bought it how do you know it's reliable, eh? TWAT.

[gary_davidson]

before proclaiming your chod as rare, http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/121141550785?ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1423.l2649, spend 30 seconds checking if there is another one the same spec in the same colour already listed http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/111112809560?ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1423.l2649

[Sigmund Fraud]

The spelling "cill" is only accurate (historically at any rate) as an architectural term, isn't it?

 

I submit that it would only be used by spackers* in connection with a motor vehicle.

 

 

I can tolerate the use of 'cill' instead of 'sill'. But when someone proclaims that their pinniped requires welding, I really wonder whether I should contact the animal welfare services.

[Junkman]

before proclaiming your chod as rare, http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/121141550785?ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1423.l2649, spend 30 seconds checking if there is another one the same spec in the same colour already listed http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/111112809560?ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1423.l2649

Two cars listed on Ebay simultaneously doesn't make them unrare. Those Sunny coupes are rare by anybody's standard.

[Junkman]

Better use the expression 'the only one left in the country' when three more of the same car are listed on Ebay.

[CreepingJesus]

Forum spammers: kick off with a thread offering specially discounted tyres and service parts, written in proper form, with punctuation and everything. Then, once you've established a market, keep it supplied.

Yours, A. Smith, Kirkcaldy.

[Junkman]

Always write "I'm not a mechanic and don't know anything about cars" and "this is a private sale" when your feedback profile shows you bought 100 and sold 85 cars over the past two years.

 

If you write the sentence "this is a private sale", make sure the photos are taken at a scrapyard or a car dealership forecourt.

[In The Pit]

Ebay sellers:

 

Remember when stating 'the car uses no oil" to leave a cat litter tray between the two front wheels. 

 

Also in the photos cover the number plates both front and rear with either a ghastly patterned scarf or a child's nappy and for the final photo include a close up of the V5 that shows the number plate, VIN, engine number and your address.

[Vince70]

E bay sellers when taking pictures of the said immaculate car why don't you ever take the interior shots of the car to show the drivers seat fully.

 

I find most of these so called pristine interiors normally comprise of a drivers seat that's been eaten by a starved German shepherd but for some reason the seller has somehow managed to take a picture which never shows the damage.