Being an idiot.....

[Alexg]

As I sell cars for a living a have a rather boring C3 demo company car. Had a day off yesterday so drove my dull company hack to my rented garage the otherside of Maidstone, removed the MG Metro and parked up the Shitroen. I spent the day driving about doing a few jobs, ending with a nice blast up Detling Hill to Sittingbourne to collect a Rad for my VVC which wont do her any harm. On the way home I realised I didnt have my garage key, so drove MG home and decided, mainly down to laziness, that i'll swop cars over on the way to work this morning.

 

I get up over half hour early this morning to give me time to change cars over to find the shittest weather in quite a while. Plenty of rain and a fair bit of wind. Jump in turn the key- not firing up, not even a hint of it. I frig around under the bonnet for half an hour with a can of WD40, clean out the distributor, etc etc etc.... Still not firing and now covered in oil

 

So I phone work and say im going to be late. Walk to the bus stop, get on a bus with all the scrotes, get off and walk a mile to the garage. Get the Shitroen out and halfway to work when suddenly I remember - Shit, I had'nt turned the hidden immobilisor switch on

 

Oh well, only 1 hour and 25 mins late for work

 

Any other stories of fucking stupidity?

[FredTransit]

I once sat in the volvo unable to understand why it wouldn't start. No attempt at starter motor action even. It's an auto, it was in drive......

[VWPowered]

driving to work (about 30 kms) got halfway started to splutter and died right at a busy junction, move it to side of road, lots of irate frenchies driving past, stressing me out more, tried turning it over nope, checks leads, try it, check dizzy etc, try it, still at it an hour later, then though oh does it have any petrol nope.... not the first time but maybe the fifth time i've run out, no buses or trains, good job i done mind walking

[Milford Cubicle]

Was that in your Polo? They don't have the most reliable fuel gauges, or any kind of low level warning light IIRC.

[VWPowered]

the polo yes, the gauge is ok i know where its limit is i just choose to ignore it

 

also did it numerious times in the XR3i i had

[ashmicro]

I did exactly what you did, Alex. Even had the fucking dizzy off my scrote. It was only when I went to look under the dash/fusebox that I saw the switch...

 

DOH!

[ashmicro]

Many years ago, my uncle was servicing his mk2 Jag - the full works, leads and everything. After he finished it wouldn't start. Enlisting the help of my father, they started to push the car to see if it would bump start. No dice. A few more of their mates were enlisted, and the pushing went on ad nauseaum. Still nothing. By the time they decided to give up there were about 8 guys pushing and they had shoved the car over 2 miles.

 

"Ok boys take a breather" says my uncle. Reaches into his pocket for what he thought was his lighter. 1 x Jaguar rotor arm.

 

He never told them for years!

[VWPowered]

Many years ago, my uncle was servicing his mk2 Jag - the full works, leads and everything. After he finished it wouldn't start. Enlisting the help of my father, they started to push the car to see if it would bump start. No dice. A few more of their mates were enlisted, and the pushing went on ad nauseaum. Still nothing. By the time they decided to give up there were about 8 guys pushing and they had shoved the car over 2 miles.

 

"Ok boys take a breather" says my uncle. Reaches into his pocket for what he thought was his lighter. 1 x Jaguar rotor arm.

 

He never told them for years!

lol quality

[Alexg]

HAHA, that mixed feeling of relief and embarassment

[HillmanImp]

I was driving up a hill in Nottingham in my old GT6 when it suddenly cut out. It was like I had run out of fuel, but i knew there was still fuel in it as I could hear it sloshing about right behind me, but despite trying it would just not restart.

 

I thought it was the fuel pump and my mate thought it was the ignition. We opened the bonnet and the first thing he did was undo the dizzy cap as I put up the bonnet stand and started to walk round to his side to see if I could manually get the fuel moving. As I went to walk round I noticed the filler cap had not been shut properly by assistant at the petrol station in Bromsgrove the night before.

 

Realising that this was probably the problem, I shouted to Paul that I had sorted it, only to find that he had broken the rotor arm whilst taking it out.

 

It was quite late and there was nowhere open to get a replacement one so a quick call to the RAC took me home to Worthing free of charge. Saved me a pretty penny in petrol I can tell you.

[Skizzer]

Flattened the battery on a Honda Varadero trying to start it with the engine kill switch off. AA man v unimpressed.

 

(And before you say anything, you try bump starting a motorbike in a gravel car park.)

[ashmicro]

you try bump starting a motorbike in a gravel car park.

Have done that, ended up on my arse.

[CreepingJesus]

I once sat in the volvo unable to understand why it wouldn't start. No attempt at starter motor action even. It's an auto, it was in drive......

Did that with an auto Galaxy, in front of the Ford garage I'd just started working at...

My other half sportingly, decided to buy me a Mk2 Cav, which had been up for sale at a valeting shop round the corner from us. It had been there a while, so they took a silly offer to get shot of it. Subject to test drive, of course. The guy looked a bit sheepish; understandably, 'cos the bugger wouldn't start. Nothing, not even half a catch. And he admitted they knew this, so I could have it for £40 sold as seen.

I'd had the plugs out/dizzy cap off/fuel pump and lines checked. Nothing. So I grabbed my neighbour (big bloke, ex-Marine), and the two of us shoved it round, it wouldn't even bump start.

After a good hours' tinkering, and much tea, my neighbour (who is so mechanically unsympathetic, he destroys Volvos) piped up with "...err, Neil, is this the choke?" Yep. Quick tug of the choke, and away it went.

Said Cav lasted a year, until the back brakes broke up on the A92 at 70...

[STUNO]

New Zealand Toyota ad, just right for this thread

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bh7W3j-OwUU

[VWPowered]

i ran out of go-go juice again last night

[Futuramic]

Right, this is my idiocy rather than mechanical failure, but read on.

 

At work we have a Smart car; an old and proper one with flappy paddle gears and plastic bodywork. I am not supposed to drive said Smart car.

 

I have been told this on many an occasion. I have not done the course, ergo I am not qualified.

 

Smart car lives, unloved, in a corner of the yard. I know where the keys are. During a lull one evening I realised that I was alone in the building. There was little chance of colleagues coming back; and the management had gone home so no-one would care anyway.

 

I have been itching to have a go in the Smart car since I first saw it. I quick trip upstairs saw the keys nicked and in my hand.

 

I got downstairs, plipped the remote and marvelled as Smartie gaveth herself unto me. The car was reversed into its space. The car is ALWAYS reversed into its space. If it were parked forwards everyone would notice. Remember this detail; it is important.

 

I got in, started the engine and gave it a rev. Three cylinders and a turbo. Time to motor. I had a brief glance at the gear lever. Easy, over and back for reverse; middle neutral and forward for drive. Then all was a simple matter of changing gear with the paddles.

 

I slotted the thing into forward drive, marvelling as the computer engaged first. I touched the accelerator and was off. I drove the Smart around for a bit and enjoyed it.

 

After a few minutes I decided to stay safe and put the car to bed.

 

This meant parking in the same space as before. I drove over to said space and stopped. I put the car in neutral and then reverse. The white lights at the back came on and the computer display changed from "1" to "R". I touched the accelerator.

 

The revs rose, the clutch did not engage.

 

I revved again. Nothing.

 

I put the car back in neutral, then into reverse.

 

White lights, engine revs, no movement.

 

I must divulge the Smart car was at a crazy angle, blocking all access into the yard by this point.

 

I tried going forwards again.

 

The car dutifully moved off.

 

I really began to shit bricks at this point as I realised the gearbox had probably broken and I wouldn't be able to park the car.

 

I tried reverse again. Nothing.

 

I got out, wondering if I could push the car back into the space; no-one would ever realise I had done it.

 

But then if a co-worker came back and saw mw pushing the car the story would spread far and wide.

 

I got back in and tried the other cotrols: heater, wipers and radio were all good.

 

I tried reverse. The car showed all signs of going into gear, the display said "R", the lights came on. It utterly refused to go backwards.

 

In sheer desperation I put the thing in neutral again, and re-selected reverse. This time I put the handbrake on first. Still nothing.

 

FUCK

 

I tried again.

 

FUCK A DUCK

 

I tried a final time, but put my foot on the brake pedal first. Upon releasing the footbrake Smartie rolled backwards like an eager puppy.

 

Thank Christ for that.

[M'coli]

I used to disconnect the airflow meter on my old Cavalier after it had had a couple of attempted thefts. I then proceeded to forget about doing this after taking the pushbike to work for a week and drained the battery trying to get the car to start. Then I remembered.

 

Tried to start the Avenger while still hooked up to the battery charger - it's amazing the mess an engine-driven fan will make of the charger's leads.

 

Tried starting a lawnmower while my Dad was holding the plug lead in his hand !!!

[pogweasel]

it's amazing the mess an engine-driven fan will make of the charger's leads.

 

 

Been there, done that.

[BillyBedford]

This honestly wasn't me......

I used to run a couple of Lincoln Towncar limos and one night my 'other driver' decided to chuck the keys into a glass bottle bank (along with all the empties) in Homebase car-park at about 10pm.

I'm out in the other Limo, cue a phone call to me have I got a spare set.

I think so, but f**k if i can remember where.

After meeting up with him and all but destroying the bottle bank trying to locate the keys (no chance) have to call out rescue service.

Cue large recovery truck and disconnection of propshaft to get it home.

Several days later when deciding how to replace keys/locks/ignition etc (please bear in mind Lincoln Towncars of the 1990's have metal steering column surrounds) I remember that I left the spare set of keys with the landowner where I kept the 2nd Limo.

Twat.

[Parky]

Chevette wouldnt start.....turned the key and nothing, AA man diagnosed duff starter.

 

Changed Starter motor (£75) which was a bitch of a job without ramps or a pit as its in a stupid place under the exhaust. No joy. Mate recommended battery must be duff.

 

Changed Battery (£40). No joy. Dad reckoned Ignition Switch.

 

Changed Ignition switch (£25). No joy. Then realised earth strap had detached from body. Reattached and instant start! £140 wasted! D'oh!

 

Even better was I left the old battery in the boot. Some enthusiastic cornering saw it topple over and deposit acid all over the boot floor. Cue ruined carpet...

 

 

Almost as good as the entire day spent wondering why my Dads Renault 12 wouldnt start after a plug change. Got the firing order 1-3-4-2 correct, but he had wired it from the wrong end of the engine. How we laughed....

[Negative Creep]

Citroen AX wouldn't start. Turned over fine but made a horrible grumbling noise and rattled your teeth out. Checked the leads, plugs dizzy etc but gave up so rung the AA. He got there an hour or so later, had a quick look and the first thing he said was ""how much fuel is in it?""Oh. Dear.On another occasion I jacked it up on the sill to do something, only for said sill to break and the whole thing come crashing down.

 

Another time I went to do the front pads on my Alfa 155. I didn't have a proper jack so decided to use the one you get with the car. Which worked fine, until the handle sheered off with the car stuck in the air. No motor factors for about a mile so I ended up rocking the car off it, luckily no damage and no eyewitnesses

 

Nissan 200sx, after I fitted one of those sleepy eye kits. All sorts of random electrical gremlins, speedo didn't work, would stall all the time. Got a mate who knew his way around to check it and he couldn't figure it out. Rang a mobile electrician who couldn't find the fault. Even changed the instrument panel. Then as I was trying to trace the wiring looms, I noticed the ECU plug in the footwell was a fraction loose. Problem solved.

 

 

This one wasn't my idiocy. Mk.2 Golf wouldn't start. Random dash lights, speedo flicking and ignition clicking. Bought another battery, no joy. Had the ignition switch tested, no joy. Took it to a garage to check the faults, they couldn't find the problem so I had to book it with a specialist. Out of sheer desperation, I ran a jump lead form the negative terminal to the engine block. It started first time.

 

I also managed to strip the sump plug thread right after spending about 350 getting it through an MOT. Also since the handbrake didn't work, I went to change a flat tyre and watched as it fell off the jack in tragi-comic slow motion. Moral is every time you take a wheel off, leave it under the sill just in case.

[scaryoldcortina]

Remember last winter? we had a lot of snow up here! I came home one day in early january, dropped the key for the scorpio somewhere between the car and the house (about 30ft). Of course, I didn't notice straight away and it's the only key for a chip immobilized car and it wasn't on a keyring. I didn't get to use the car again until late february when the snow melted

 

I did clear all the snow several times, but I didn't dare dump any of it in case the key was in the pile, was too cold to melt it, too frozen solid to sift easily and constantly snowing more to make the problem worse. I even borrowed a metal detector to try and find it!

[autofive]

borrowed a metal detector from me - that didnt work