Taxi Drivers Past and Present - Any Stories To Share; funny, interesting, scary etc.?

[sierraman]

3 hours ago, warren t claim said:

And mostly unsolved. There were the Heathrow minicab murders, Mk3 Cortina and HC Viva and the Stoke killing involving a Mk2 Cavalier. 

 

I’m glad it’s not just me that watches clips of dead taxi driver mysteries in an evening. Wonder what the motive was? Perhaps it was drugs or a botched robbery? 

[warren t claim]

28 minutes ago, sierraman said:

I’m glad it’s not just me that watches clips of dead taxi driver mysteries in an evening. Wonder what the motive was? Perhaps it was drugs or a botched robbery? 

The Heathrow murderer clearly wasn't a vauxhall owner. 

[warren t claim]

4 hours ago, sierraman said:

I’m glad it’s not just me that watches clips of dead taxi driver mysteries in an evening. Wonder what the motive was? Perhaps it was drugs or a botched robbery? 

 

[warren t claim]

4 hours ago, sierraman said:

I’m glad it’s not just me that watches clips of dead taxi driver mysteries in an evening. Wonder what the motive was? Perhaps it was drugs or a botched robbery? 

 

[warren t claim]

 

[warren t claim]

 

[warren t claim]

11 minutes ago, warren t claim said:

 

Fucking hell! That Bluebird was treble shifted!!!! And it sounds like a petrol too.

[sierraman]

Quick wipe down of the brains splattered all over the headlining and they’d have had that back on the rank by 7pm. 

[warren t claim]

A few years ago I picked some fella up who'd been kicked of of his flat by his GF. I offered my condolences and he told me not to worry because he can suck his own cock! He then proceeded to drop his track suit bottoms, put one foot on the dash and insisted on proving it to me!

[warren t claim]

15 minutes ago, FakeConcern said:

The trouble with sucking your own is it just seems like sucking a cock rather than having your cock sucked...

The late great Bill Hicks once said in his stand up routine that if men could suck their own cocks then the audience would comprise of only women looking at an empty stage. I beg to differ though as there's no fucking way I'm swallowing.

[warren t claim]

I've never known a Xmas period to pass by without incident and 2023 hasn't been an exception. 

Let's start with yesterday. I get a call from the oppo asking if I wouldn't mind running to the Iceland Food Warehouse in Rock Ferry to pitch up a young couple with lots of shopping and a pram, they've been waiting for a hack for over thirty minutes and out of the goodness of my heart I agree to scamper over there to pick them up. They want to go home which is about two or three miles away so after squeezing everything into the back we head off. 

If this was a PH job I'd have taken them the dead shortest route but because it was a hack job on the meter I take a slightly longer route to avoid a set of four way temp traffic lights. This way means that we have to wait at a normal set of red lights and at that junction there's a thirtysomething chunky office type lady wandering between the waiting cars. My passengers want to ask if she's OK and insist that I roll down my NSF window to check she's hunky dory. 

She's pissed. VERY PISSED! One peculiarity of the TX taxi is that the NSF door isn't linked to the central locking. This is so passengers at mainline stations or airports can load cases next to the driver before jumping into the back leaving the driver to close the door by pulling the closing cable. I normally keep that door locked but there's been a few occasions this weekend when I've had passengers from the rank with two trolley loads of shopping meaning that I've had to put bags in the front as well as the back. This turbo pissed woman opens the front door and promptly sits on the floor next to me. FFS! I try to explain to her that I'll take her home after I've dropped off my passengers in the back. In her heightened state of refreshment, she thinks that I'm driving her somewhere to have fun and starts to try and unzip me as I'm driving whilst promising me the best head ever!  My passengers think this is funny watching me try to unhand her from my genitals. They soon change their mind when we get to their house and whilst we're unloading their shopping she tries to walk through their front door!

The bloke and I manage to get her in the back of my cab and I fuck off in the direction of where she wants to go. I'm sure I'll not get paid but never mind. As we are driving through the town centre she shouts stop. I pull over outside a bar and she just sits there in the back not making any move to exit the cab. After a minute I get out and open the door for her. She lumbers out and tells me that this is where we're going dancing. I walk her to the door before telling he that she's left my door open. I run back, close the rear door, hop in the front and fuck off as fast as I can.

[warren t claim]

A couple of hours ago I got a job taking me to the arse end of Wirral. When I drop off I'm happy to see a job on my PDA taking me back to the busy area. I pull up outside the pick up location, a pub unsurprisingly, and two fellas walk out, one more pissed than the other. The slightly more sober one wants dropping off RTFC and even after the quarter of a mile his mate is totally comatose. I say that there's no fucking way I'm taking his mate without a full address so his mate shakes him and gets the road name and door number from him. I let him sleep for the rest of the trip.

It's when I get to Baldy 50 year old Penfold's house is when the fun starts. I have to wake him up and he starts flattering between whether he wants to pay by cash or card. I get my card reader out and set up the contactless payment for £14.70, get in the back and sit on the left rear jump seat holding my card reader. He's now starting to get a little bit nasty so I get out and start to walk to his house to summon assistance from his missus.

B.P. "Don't you go knocking on my door making my dad angry."

So he's 50 and still lives with his parents? 

W.T.C. "So pay your fucking bill then!"

B.P. "Don't fucking eyeball me! I don't like it! Do you know who my dad is?"

I don't know who his dad is but he'll be about 75 and hardly a threat.

W.T.C. "Don't be a prick. Just pay the fare and fuck off".

B.P. "One phone call from me and I'll have a car full of lads screaming through the tunnel from Liverpool to fuck you over!"

W.T.C. "Having to call mates over to do me in isn't something to be proud of. It just means that you're a mummy's boy little shithouse who can't take me on alone".

This clearly triggers B.P and he tries to take a lunge at me from the back seat. I'm standing by the open NSR door and my first thought was to slam the door on his arm but then I notice something that makes me change my mind, his wallet on the back seat. I let him finish his pissed lunge which only results in him laying flat out half in the cab and half on the wet pavement. I put one boot on his back to restrain him, reach in to get his wallet and take a contactless payment.

B.P. "You fucking cunt! I'm getting my dad!"

W.T.C. "The payment's gone through for the £14.70 plus the fiver tip".

I drag his legs out of the back and drive away.

[warren t claim]

Carrying pets.

As a rule, I've never had a problem carrying dogs. Pets quite often make better passengers than people and I always carry some dog treats in my cab for our furry passengers. Today was different. I had a job taking an OAP lady and her small poodle for a two mile trip.  When we get there I get out of the cab to help her with her bags and as she's getting the money from her purse £5 blows out of her hand. I run to chase it and at that point, her poodle decides to attack me and sinks its fucking teeth into my leg! She says sorry and gives me a whopping 20p tip to compensate....

My previous scary pet situation happened many years ago. I had to pick up a young lady from the vets in Wallasey to take her to Oxton. She got into the back of my Montego (I did say this was a long time ago) with a pet carrier. Throught the trip she was looking into the pet carrier and saying "you be a good boy Jasper, we'll be home soon". My mum had a Cat called Jasper at the time so in my head I assumed that it was a cat in the pet carrier. As we were driving up a dark bit of Boundary Rd she squealed that Jasper's escaped! My eyes dart around the inside of my Montego hoping that Jasper isn't dangling off the drooping headlining but oh no! Jasper isn't a cat. Jasper is a fucking python and Jasper was coiling himself around my left leg! How the hell I managed not to bury my BL barge into the fence at the local city farm is a miracle! She unwaraps Jasper from my leg and puts him back into the carrier, but not before bopping him on the nose and telling him that he's a naughty boy!

[warren t claim]

Not sure if I've told this story yet but here goes.

I get a call to pick up an address with a cash up front notice. The girl comes out of the house next door (no surprise there) and says she wants to go to New Ferry. I recognise her as a local brass called Skinny Amy and she's obviously going to the brass house for her shift.

As it's a cash up front job and she's got no money she gives me her phone and says that the madam will pay me when she gets there, fair enough. When we arrive she scoots of and after five minutes the madam appears with a bag of change to pay the tenner fare. Fucking great. I count out the money and we both fuck off in different directions.

Just a mile down the road I remember that I've still got Skinny Amy's phone so I spin the car around and go back. I park up opposite the brass house and walk up the concealed entry and after banging on the door for five minutes the madam answers and I explain the situation.

Aa I'm leaving the premises I see two drivers from another taxi company smirking to each other after seeing me walk out of a well known brothel! This somewhat distracted me and I walked straight into an old lady who clearly knew what the premises are, I apologised but she looked me up and down, called me a filthy beast and stormed off with her nose in the air! Needless to say the drivers from the other company thought this was hilarious and I fucked off pronto in sheer embarrassment.

[High Jetter]

Brilliant. Put me off going back into cabbing! 🤣

[warren t claim]

I'm working a Friday afternoon in Eastham, not a time or place I usually work but hey ho.

I get despatched a job and dutifully turn up at the address. An old man with a grey beanie hat and an NHS walking stick exits his pensioner's bungalow and gets into the front passenger seat of my 400,000 mile Mondeo estate. He tells me he wants to go to the chemist to collect his prescription and then to the small Tesco nearby. No probs, I take him to the chemist and after five mins he returns with a massive bag full of his essential medication. He gets back into the front passenger seat and I run him the few hundred yards to the Tesco. This old fella with a grey beanie hat and NHS walking stick informs me that he'll only be a few minutes.

I spend the next ten minutes on waiting time amusing myself on FB and AS but then start to wonder where this OAP had fucked off to. I look up and notice that waiting at the bus stop in front of me is an old man wearing a grey beanie hat and using an NHS walking stick! Shit! My punter is clearly a bit senile and forgot that he had a taxi waiting! 

Now, remembering all my Dignity and Respect training, I walk over and cheerfully tell the OAP that I'm here in his taxi and would he like to get in the car so I can take him home. He tells me that he hasn't ordered a taxi which means I have to try a different approach. I've written off the idea of getting paid for the job by now but I want him to still have his many tablets that were currently in my front passenger footwell. I tell him no problem, feel free to get the bus home but advise him to take his drugs home with him that I have in the car. 

It's then he starts to get aggressive, he says that he doesn't want any of my fucking drugs! I can see this isn't going to be easy so I tell him that I'll get his prescription out of my car whilst turning around and motioning to my Mondeo estate. It's then I see an old man with a grey beanie hat and an NHS walking stick opening my passenger door and get into my car! Yes, I'd been trying to entice the wrong old man into getting into my car with the promise of drugs!!!  At this point, I looked hopefully at the ground on the hope that it'd swallow me! I make my humble apologies and scamper back to my car to take the correct old man with a grey beanie hat and NHS walking stick back home!

[108]

These stories are why I come to AS. Fair play, they really cheered me up. 

Apologies if I’ve woken you. I just realised it’s 8am!

Meery Christmas. 

[ProgRocker]

On 11/12/2023 at 23:31, warren t claim said:

It turns out that that it's a family of about six travelers who've had their van taken off them by the police after turning up at a house to demand payment for some tarmac job. Both myself and an Asian driver in an Auris collect our money up front as agreed and Mummy Traveler, Daddy Traveler and ickle baba Traveler get into my car and the three older kids hop into the Auris. As I know the way I agree to take point and let the Auris follow.

Around 20/22 years ago my sister's then partner was doing a stint of minicab driving using a facelifted mark 1 Mondeo. IIRC he had to lease the cab from the taxi firm at £150 a week (seems expensive for the time. Does that sound right???).

This story may not be entirely accurate. On one visit he recounted a fare where he picked up some travellers from a Council Housing/Housing Association office to a traveller site in Norfolk. They had suitcases with them that were loaded up. When he announced what fare is they then either started to barter the fare down or refused to pay. He threatened to drive off with their suitcases. Fortunately they reached a negotiation on the fare and the travellers were able to take their baggage.

SIDENOTE: My sister's ex was a perhaps a shiter at heart and would fit in here unless . By the time he met my sister he had three children with two women and thus getting clobbered for child support. Inbetween minicabbing he was working minimum wage jobs and so his car options in the early 2000s were sub £500 snotters. Each one he bought had some sort of fault on it eg:  a Renault 5 GTX with a duff heater matrix. Rather that shell out money to address the issue he bought another car that would have a different fault. The first one I remember him having was a red 1985/6 VW Jetta GT 8v with some engine mod. He generously let me have a go in it. He was in the passenger seat. I gave him a fright when I put my foot down on a straight empty bit of road.   There was also a Rover 800 (XX Sterling maybe) and a white  1990/1 Ford Sierra Sapphire Ghia amongst others that I cannot remember because they changed so frequently. 

[warren t claim]

Now and again I fail to engage my brain before using my mouth and not say the right thing. Here's a case in point.

I was chatting as usual with a lady punter I was running home when this happened.

Punter. Are you finishing soon? I can't wait to get home and into bed.

Me. Me too. I can't wait to join you in a couple of hours.

What I meant to say was something vanilla about looking forward to finishing my shift and going to bed but I tripped over my words. I immediately understand my mistake and glance in my mirror at her, a lady in her early to mid 60s and see that she's blushing.

Punter. Really? I can stay awake for you as you're offering!

Me. Honestly, I didn't mean it that way and you don't have to do that for me.

Punter. Two hours is about long enough to have a shower and change into some lingerie. What would you like? I've got lots for you to choose from! 

About now I'm wondering how the fuck I'm going to worm my way out of this one!

Punter. I'm sure that you're not shy so I've got some toys I'd like to share with you!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck Fuck! I'm now desperately trying to think of some sort of excuse.

Me. I've got a bit of a cock problem and I'm totally out of cheeky blue knob pills. 

She looks a little let down but insists that I write down her phone number for when I've managed to grab some Mycoxafloppin tablets later in the week

[sheffcortinacentre]

Get your coat you've pulled, yer in there mate.

[warren t claim]

Some ladies were well known in our area as being up for it. One such lady was a barmaid called Jan who, by her own admission, had shagged over a thousand men. Jan has huge tits and was married to a fella who apparently was a near Olympic standard rower. Jan likes her comfort though, no back seat banging for her, you had to take her back home which is great if you're single. Jan always wears lingerie and her pulling ploy is to cross her legs on the back seat so you can see everything and when she pays you she scratches the plam of your hand with her nails and asks if you'd like to get "amorous". When I first encountered her it was early Xmas morning. I picked her up from a pub (not the one she worked in) where she'd clearly spent the night shagging the landlord. She was pretty open on the journey back to her home that he'd failed to satisfy her and was flirting hard. Sadly, I was in a relationship at the time and had to knock her back. I was pretty flattered when she said she didn't do old or ugly and I was neither though! When she gave up on me she sighed and said "never mind, I suppose I should go back to my husband anyway as it is both Christmas and his birthday".

As luck might have it I picked her up again about a year later when I had just become single again. Somewhat unsurprisingly she didn't recognise me but tried it on with me again. I was happy to oblige this time and we went back to my flat for drinks and a shag before taking her back home the following lunchtime. She certainly lived up to her reputation and I really can't complain at all. Everyone happy and phone numbers weren't exchanged. We both new the score. Apparantly she left her husband to live with another (brave) man shortly afterwards. She did have some strange bedroom fantasies though, Lady Chatterley's Lover kinda stuff, after climaxing through oral she'd shout "please mount me my lord and roger me hard". Still, each to their own. 

It's pretty important for a taxi driver to know his place when it comes to offers off ladies at 3am. Remember that she's been to the pub and failed to score, been to a club and failed to score, been for a curry and failed to score and therefore the taxi driver taking her home is the last roll of the dice. It's either him or the rampant rabbit. If there was an alternative then there's now way she'd be asking you in for a coffee!

As a single driver working weekend nights for my firm there was an easy option. We had/have a base in the nightclub area of town that on weekends is manned by a bouncer. If I tipped him £2 at the start of my shift he's make sure that instead of the usual pissed up arseholes wanting a lift home I'd get the better single ladies as fares. £2 well spent as I'm sure you'd agree. Sadly this backfired on me one New Years Eve when I scored early and ended my shift with only £80 in my pocket.

[warren t claim]

For shits and giggles, here's a Liverpool private hire tariff sheet from 1980.

To put things into perspective, A gallon of four star cost £1.20 and you'd be lucky to see 28 mpg out of a Pinto powered Cortina around the doors.

[timolloyd]

If Autoshite did Faketaxi…

[N19]

1 minute ago, timolloyd said:

If Autoshite did Faketaxi…

"It's just... Err... I don't have my wallet to pay for this unique British Leyland keyfob, six randoms on a roffle and a NOS bit of Ford Sierra trim... Maybe we could... Come to an arrangement?"

[warren t claim]

For shits and giggles, does anyone fancy doing search on BC16VSN?

[big_al_granvia]

Looks like usual fails, mega miles tho

[big_al_granvia]

Story from a mate, he is driving a hack in Glasgow, now tam has just had a wee operation in a sore place. Anyway late on he picks up these 2 ladies in the gay bar area of town, nice and respectable they ask to go to paisley about a 10-15 minute drive. Sets off and the 2 ladies are starting to kiss and fondle each other, tam starts feeling the pain, he tries to ignore the rear mirror as the ladies continue but it gets bad. He asks them to stop, cue laughter, whats up asks one, you getting a stauner?? The other girl laughs and slips off her leather jacket to reveal a leather too that's barely covering her tits, her friend takes this as a invite and starts licking. Tam screams "Ffs I had a circumcision the other day and the pills urnae working". Being nice Glasgow ladies they dress and the remainder of the journey is silent

[warren t claim]

45 minutes ago, big_al_granvia said:

Looks like usual fails, mega miles tho

How bad?

[STUNO]

I had a taxi many moons ago.....

Fare gets in, asked where to, answer..... "none of your business" ! 

Fare stopped to get cash out of a machine, did a runner and left his receipt behind. The plod got me the cash.

Another runner jumped out, took a leap over the fence about 5 teet tall into a park, unfortunately he caught his shoe on the top rail and hit the ground hard.     I was still laughing 5 mins later. Should I have tried to help him up ?

And yes, I was offered alternative methods of payment by both women and men.

There were some delightful people too !

 

 

[warren t claim]

A little teaser pic for you all. Enquiries have been made.