What would it be the perfect Autoshite?

[Pete-M]

For me, the ultimate definition of Autoshite would be a brown Marina 1.3 Auto Estate, but I don't know if they ever actually made them.Worst bit of shite I've ever driven was a LHD Fiat Strada with what appeared to be a 900cc 'FIRE' engine. Next was a Mk4 Cortina Ghia Estate that had gone from a 2.3 to a 1.1. Mates dad was sick of putting fuel in the bugger when it was a V6 so he asked one of the local mobile spannermonkeys to fit a 1.6 to it. Wanted a x/flow as the one in his Mk3 Cortina had been ok on fuel and bombproof. Said spannermonkey went and bought a £50 Mk1 Escort for the engine. He'd been told it was a 1.6 ohv.. it was a 1.1 low compression Kent lump with a Weber slapped on the side of it. Thing barely moved. 2.3 diff didn't help...Was just thinking of this and other bits of shite and it made me think what I'd want if I were to build Übershite.First thought was getting a Matra Rancho and transplanting Freelander running gear into it, a K-series 4x4 Rancho would defeat the purpose of making it on so many levels.What would be your ultimate Autoshite?

[r.welfare]

Chrysler 180 with Spanish-market Barreiros diesel. 65hp of pure lemon.

[Station]

Mk3 Cavalier with an SPi 1.4 engine.

[VWPowered]

First thought was getting a Matra Rancho and transplanting Freelander running gear into it, a K-series 4x4 Rancho would defeat the purpose of making it on so many levels.

+1... or a vanden plas montego

[ashmicro]

Atmo Ford 1.6 Diesel in a mark2 Granny. Local mong did it some years ago after he blew up the 2.8i Cologne.

[stoterstangen90]

Hyundai Stellar?

[Cavcraft]

Maestro 1.6 petrol with gaffer taped arches and bumpers.

[Parky]

People put souped up Honda motorbike engines in Mini's. So howsabout a nice 1000cc "A" Series with gears in sump in a Civic? Soichoiri Honda would approve I'm sure.Any car "enhanced" in a Playboy stylee, i.e Pink Ka's covered in Rabbits. Usually driven by utter mingers who seem to think being associated with Hugh Hefner instantly makes them more appealing. And think of the resale market you numbnut, how are you going to flick that on in future? Oddly enough I never see Playboy style Montego's, why is that?Lastly, the ultimate shite would have to be a dark blue Nissan Bluebird saloon, ex minicab, 350,000 miles and one poundland wheeltrim left. Preferably with the radio jammed on Capital Gold (1548 AM pop pickers). Bet it still drives lovely mind......

[Guest]

If an off the shelf car, one of those pick-up things that thought it wanted to be a Mercedes (Tata?) I went in one once it was vile and worse off road than my Amazon estate. Or one of those French old people conveyances that looks like a shoebox with a dumper truck diesel in it.

Er, I've heard Amazons compared to lots of things, but fucked Tata pick ups is a new one on me. Was yours knackered or something?

[warren t claim]

Oddly enough I never see Playboy style Montego's, why is that?Probably because "Mayfair" beat them to it with the porn connection.Lastly, the ultimate shite would have to be a dark blue Nissan Bluebird saloon, ex minicab, 350,000 miles and one poundland wheeltrim left. Preferably with the radio jammed on Capital Gold (1548 AM pop pickers). Bet it still drives lovely mind......

Errm.... I had one exactly like that! Exept in white

[Station]

White Ford Orion with rust spots removed with a Brillo pad and a DART, and then touched up ... with Tippex.

[pogweasel]

Sorry, but I win all of you:

 

A late marina, with bits missing, painted by a retard with a roller (not me!), hopeless brakes and an engine that smoked more than the Marlboro Man.

[MrDuke]

Anything completely base-spec from the mid-70s to late 80s. When 'cost-saving' got taken to ludicrous extremes, depriving drivers of wing-mirrors, rear wipers, carpets, any kind of radio, or the ability to keep up with traffic.Or failing that, anything BL, ever. Never has one company teetered on the brink of genius, yet still managed to royally shaft itself to such an extent.

[CortinaDave]

FSO Polonez or Yugo Sana in brush painted dulux purple emulsion

[Pete-M]

Sorry, but I win all of you:A late marina, with bits missing, painted by a retard with a roller (not me!), hopeless brakes and an engine that smoked more than the Marlboro Man.

Truly awesomely shite, that Mr Pog. I do know of someone who had am awesomely shite example of a Marina. Handpainted in 'denim blue', jacked up at the rear by about 4", red painted rear axle and leaf springs (with a fog light shining on them at night), fitted with Fiat 127 Sport front seats - along with the Fiats gearknob, and a multitude of other shite mods. I'll speak to the chap and try to get pics of it. . .

[Albert Ross]

Certainly has to be an Ital/Marina Estate, but the normal petrol engine removed and the 2.0 Prima Sherpa/Mandingo engine with 5 speed box in place.....hefty towbar (for A frame use only) Beige would be the colour of choice (With the exception of one panel), and vinyl seats preferably.

[scruff]

Black cab from the 70s with the 2.25 Land Rover diesel, gaffa tape over the TAXI lamp, mismatched blue front seat bodged into the front, back full of tools. SMART

[Negative Creep]

Since I'm to young to really remember cars pre 1990 I'll go for a saloon version of something far Eastern. Must have a randomly coloured panel, bodged DIY repair and missing wheeltrim(s). Also bonus points for it being an auto and shit colour.In fact, there is an Almera near me that fills most of those criteria, including badly repaired accident damage

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

I don't see the appeal in driving cars that are absolute rubbish - there are too many really nice old cars out there for a few hundred quid.If it's absolute junk you're after, I would suggest a 1979 Granada diesel that spent its first 12 years as a minicab with an interior that would double as a bodily fluids and DNA superstore.

[Cavcraft]

You could put a Ferrari engine in a Marina and it'd still be shit.28 years on from owning three of them and I still absolutely detest the hateful things. Sorry.

[Guest]

I don't see the appeal in driving cars that are absolute rubbish

Might not be the forum for you then.

[VWPowered]

full of want

 

 

i'm actually hunting one of these down too

[Justin Case]

I think that this would rate an honourable mention:

 

[pogweasel]

A Belmont would be far too sensible and reliable for 'perfect shite'. Thought you wouldn't actually get to find out what it's like, as it would be immediately stolen....I vote for that avenger I have just put in the ebay thread. Totally awesome.

[Station]

Sorry, but I win all of you:

 

A late marina, with bits missing, painted by a retard with a roller (not me!), hopeless brakes and an engine that smoked more than the Marlboro Man.

Is all the rubber painted as well? That revealing blue paint makes me think 'Oh, the humanity!'

[shite_meister]

Ambassador in beige:

 

 

Although I will concede that a Marina runs a close second.

[Station]

My dad made a -wooden shelf- to keep his stuff on (shite stuff, nothing of any use whatsoever, like old glasses, a multitude of pens, lottery tickets) in his Proton MPi. The original dashboard surface is made of slippery plastic, so he made one out of wood, with ledges to stop his shite sliding off, and then he varnished it, and mounted it. It was mindboggling bizarre, but very typical of my dad. I used to dismount it every time I used the car, not that the car was embaressing enough.He also used old full size 1 1/2 inch thick kitchen worktops to line the rear of a corsa van he borrowed for ages off my brother, including making another kind of shelf that served no purpose but to completely block the view in the rear mirror (it was too shiny and slippery to keep stuff on). It was immense, and probably doubled the weight of the car.I recently used his Fiat Brava, and in the boot I discovered wooden shelves screwed into the sides to hold nails and bits and bobs.

[pogweasel]

What? That's just bizarre. Having said that, I have a feeling my dad picks cars specifically on the basis of 'how many things can be stored on the dashboard', usually including 'useful' screws, nuts and bolts that ought to be attached to components of the car, screwdrivers, 20 bic biros (all leaky / empty) 14 fag lighter (of which only 1 has a flint and 1 has any gas in, neither in the same one, oh and of course a tin of Golden Virginia. I have had cause to use his vehicles, and found that there is so much assorted rubbish stacked up you can't see any warning lights, or indeed half the speedo..... Crazy old white hair foo'!

[mnde]

How about a Citroen GSA Estatein beigewith a brown vinyl roofand a professionally fitted webasto sunroofsheepskin seat coversperiod radio cassette, 80s tape by someone like Toyah Willcox found left on the passenger seat by the previous owner.My friend Chris has just sold this car, and although I drove it once round his work depot, I never got the chance to take Pic Churs. FAIL.Mark.

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

I don't see the appeal in driving cars that are absolute rubbish

Might not be the forum for you then.

Might be a little misguided then. Proper autoshite should be about cars which were once very good but are now worthless. XJ40, Alfas, old BMW's and Mercs, Audis. Or cars that are old but quirky with redeeming features and with a LOOK AT THAT! quality; SD1, 18/22, Cav Sportshatch. Shit old cars are just shit. Don't see the appeal myself.