Event For Chod & Ulster: Local Auctions for Local People (Nordie Shiter Events)

[Datsuncog]

Good stuff lads - I think mebbe we could all do with blowing off the cobwebs a bit, hey?

Faker - fully understand, old chap, and not an issue. Bitta hillclimbing may well help knock you back into shape, tis true!

Luke - I'd imagined it might be a bit slow in early January, especially for borderline old nails taken as trade-in! Does older stuff brought in tend to just get bridged at this time of year, because neither dealers nor punters want to be fixing stupid niggly faults in the dark and cold for the sake of £20 more than the scrap price? I can well imagine... some day, our paths must cross again!

TADTS - hopefully will manage to get a yarn with you about the wee Honda Vision towards the end of the month, then. Excitement...

The_Eq - I've a book here to pass on to you! Will hopefully remember to bring it along (it's not very exciting, by way - sorry!)

Should Ballyclare turn out to be a chod-free zone next week, sure we can head down the road to one of the (surprisingly) good cafés that makes up Ballyclare's unexpected night-time economy...

Keep checking back here for further developments, folks...

[The_Equalizer]

The idea of Ballyclare's night-time economy did make me chuckle. Both dates have been officially added to the calendar in the kitchen so it is a date. A book; very mysterious. So long as you can help me with the big words.

[hairnet]

The it bale sheep car hay Tay 

[Datsuncog]

Ok, so I've been staring at Hairnet's last comment for three days now and I'm still none the wiser...

BUT!

Tomorrow night, Ballyclare, 7pm onwards - who reckons they'll be there?

MrsDC will be off getting noodles along with her knitting chums tomorrow teatime, so I'm planning on getting up there early and treating* myself to the multifarious gastronomic delights of the catering trailer.

Hopefully will see one or two familiar faces!

[hairnet]

as you can help me with the big words.

[hairnet]

Bai.

[The_Equalizer]

I will be there for about 7pm. Just call me Greyfriars Bobby.

[hairnet]

you own a land rover and a jag i call you nuts

[R9UKE]

I had a lovely* purple Modus traded in which I hope to dispose of at Ballyclare tomorrow, so should see you guys there

[Faker]

See yous'ns there!

[The_Equalizer]

you own a land rover and a jag i call you nuts

 

However, unlike the wife and kids, they can put in the garage and ignored.

 

 

I had a lovely* purple Modus traded in which I hope to dispose of at Ballyclare tomorrow, so should see you guys there

 

I am going to have to quiz you about the rather interesting 'fizzy blue' ML500 you had before Christmas.

[Datsuncog]

Well, great stuff... looks like we could be on course for a goodly turn-out this time round! It's a delight to hear that R9UKE is so keen to boost the Ballyclare chod content that he's operating a BYO policy...

On 1/15/2019 at 6:33 PM, The_Equalizer said:

I will be there for about 7pm. Just call me Greyfriars Bobby.

It's the wet nose and glossy coat that draws the comparisons, right?

Looking forward to catching up later!

[hairnet]

Mm

 

I had a lovely* purple Modus traded in which I hope to dispose of at Ballyclare tomorrow, so should see you guys there

Mmm modus shame its 10 years too late

[Datsuncog]

Renault lights: ENGAGE!!

Ah.

[The_Equalizer]

Trust you will be dusting off the three quid Crombie Datsuncog. Nothing like blending in.

[Datsuncog]

Heh, I might actually! It's good and warm anyway... mebbe I'll pop my trilby on too, and go for the full 1960s turf accountant vibe...

 

(I'm dailying the Crombie to work every day, so tonight's preparation will simply involve not taking it off)

[R9UKE]

Proof I was there! And my (now sold) beautiful Modus awaiting it's moment under the hammer.

 

Sorry guys, had a look around and didn't see any familiar faces.  Got a call and had to leave around 7:15.  Hope a good night was had by all.

 

[Datsuncog]

Heh, I was just arriving at 7.15, with The_Equalizer just ahead and Faker just behind... once more, the ships of shite they do pass in the night!

Quite a full yard tonight, and quite a variation in cars and prices... did you receive a call about the Modus? Don't think it made reserve, I fear...

But it is most wonderfully purple; that much I can absolutely vouch for.

Full write-up to follow, as ever!!

In the meantime, all sympathy for whichever poor bastard thought they'd lucked out with a cheap Vectra SRi Elite, only for it to blow its DMF when he attempted to drive it out of the yard... that's a whole 50yds of reliable motoring.

Vauxhalls: doing absolutely nothing to dispel persistent derogatory comments since 1903.

[Faker]

Good to catch up tonight. Usual nonsense waffle and showing off of recent chod purchase. Some really decent yokes going through the ring tonight. Very few total dungers! The 09 1250cc zetec fiesta (painted to within an inch of its life) went under the hammer for £1,875! I'm still in shock! A very nice black 09 mini cabrio with history and a years mot with 89k for £1,450. And an 08 mini one with 75k, full mot, full service history for £1,175!

[Faker]

And!! The immaculate 03 smart 2 in silver, 65k, full mot, for £675!

[The_Equalizer]

Good to catch up tonight. Usual nonsense waffle and showing off of recent chod purchase. Some really decent yokes going through the ring tonight. Very few total dungers! The 09 1250cc zetec fiesta (painted to within an inch of its life) went under the hammer for £1,875! I'm still in shock! A very nice black 09 mini cabrio with history and a years mot with 89k for £1,450. And an 08 mini one with 75k, full mot, full service history for £1,175!

 

Rather enjoyed the jolly out. Strange, as standing in a freezing cold shed, upsetting the punters when they thought we were HMRC undercover (dressed to blend in) and getting a good dose of carbon monoxide poisoning does not sound that much fun. I liked both Minis, the cab especially. Being a Merc perv the C240 that went through the ring early seemed another bargain at £340-ish. As ever, cannot wait for the write-up.

[Datsuncog]

Ladies and gentlemen: the story you are about to read is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

You're an undercover government agent. You're assigned to Chod Division. You get an anonymous tip-off that a haul of absolutely godawful shite is about to go under the auctioneer's hammer in a bastarding cold shed in Ballyclare. There's no lead as to where these total nails may have come from, or where they may end up.

Your job ... document it.

[The_Equalizer]

Oooo, cometh the write-up. Viva public sector employment. Cough, splutter, written at lunch time, honest.

[Datsuncog]

It was Wednesday, January 16th. It was cold in Co. Antrim. We were working the Day Watch out of Chod Division. My partner's The_Equalizer. The boss is Faker. My name's Datsuncog.

We got the call around noon; one of our regular informers, codenamed R9UKE, was looking to offload a certain liability in the shape of a Renault Modus. No law against that. Yet.

On reaching the yard with his purple Frogchod, he took a look around and realised that something big was going down. We needed to be there. So he tipped us off.

We decided to all go separately, and undercover, so as not to attract attention. We're good at blending in.

[Datsuncog]

7.15 PM. As agreed, I rolled up in my unmarked Subaru and parked up the hill. I noticed The_Equalizer making his way down into the yard already, right on time. Faker slotted in behind me. We were ready.

We slipped into the darkened yard unnoticed and dispersed amid the crowd.

Plumes of exhaust smoke curled around us in the freezing cold air. Men stood everywhere. Mostly old men, mostly down-and-outs. They nursed bottles of gutrot and sang sentimental songs about the good old days. Well, something like that. We weren't there to help. We had a job to do.

R9UKE had to cut out before we arrived, no doubt to preserve his alibi. He couldn't be seen talking to the G-men, or he'd end up being fitted with concrete boots by Jimmy K-Seal and Airbag Light Murphy, down by the Lagan Weir. It's a dirty game, the shite car racket, and they ain't got no time for rats.

I started collecting some hard evidence to put before the judge.

Exhibit A:

Designed to snare young innocent children into believing it's a Celica, this Korean cat should be put back in its bag before it can cause any more confusion.

 

Exhibit B:

With a quarter of a million minicab miles, a face that only a mother could love, and the kind of interior smell that not even Drain-o can shift - this Primera probably has a rap sheet longer than the Declaration of Independence. The only place it belongs is behind bars. The bars of T-Met's yard fence, that is.

 

Exhibit 😄

Don't be fooled by the smiley face and school uniform; this goofy big banana's been round the block a few times - and it's gonna be rotten to the core.

 

Exhibit 😧

All Italian good looks and charm, this li'l Latin hustler's just waiting to bury a knife in your ribs when you least expect it. I've investigated two of these before, and it wasn't pretty.

 

Exhibit E:

With that sweetly innocent exterior, at first glance you'd think butter wouldn't melt. But that little red 'T' gives the game away - holy cats, this geisha's packing a 1.5 VVT engine underneath. Those dinged Ripspeed wheels alone carry a penalty of ten to fifteen years in Sing-Sing.

 

Exhibit F:

Bonsoir, mademoiselle - or should I say, get your hands where I can see 'em? Who knows what horrors are concealed in the shadows of this little French rotbox?

 

Exhibit G:

This avuncular character looks solid and dependable - hewn from granite, right? Lemme tell you, I've seen rust on these things that'd make you wake up screaming for a week. Not trying to scare you, man. I'm just giving you the facts. Just the facts.

I'd got everything I needed to bust this racket wide open. But would a jury buy it? We had to think fast. Huge columns of clag were rising as this rogues gallery fired up, wheezy old heaters doing their best against frozen windscreens.

To really get the hard evidence, we'd need to go in.

[Datsuncog]

And now, a word from our sponsors. We'll be right back.

 

 

[The_Equalizer]

What about your own sponsor?

 

 

Sorry, I could not find one with the fork stuck in the top of the box like something out of an Agatha Christie murder mystery.

[Datsuncog]

We opted to let the charges of attempted homicide lie on file.

[eddyramrod]

Datsuncog: 10/10.

 

Billy: you've almost got a rival!

 

I'm still chuckling, and I didn't even have the sound on to play the music!

[warren t claim]

Heh, I was just arriving at 7.15, with The_Equalizer just ahead and Faker just behind... once more, the ships of shite they do pass in the night!

 

Quite a full yard tonight, and quite a variation in cars and prices... did you receive a call about the Modus? Don't think it made reserve, I fear...

 

20190116_204917.jpg

 

But it is most wonderfully purple; that much I can absolutely vouch for.

 

20190116_204853.jpg

 

Full write-up to follow, as ever!!

 

In the meantime, all sympathy for whichever poor bastard thought they'd lucked out with a cheap Vectra SRi Elite, only for it to blow its DMF when he attempted to drive it out of the yard... a whole 50yds of reliable motoring.

 

20190116_212547.jpg

 

Vauxhalls: doing nothing to dispel persistent derogatory comments since 1903.

£220 for a fucked Modus? You could buy 440 flutes for that money.