How long does it take to sell a shitter?

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

I've made the grave error of trying to sell a £500 car.Oh dear.Well, in my experience it normally takes 4-5 weeks to sell a cheap car because of the high level of stupidity amongst the 'General Public'.Well, it's in the Auto Trader, the local Ad Mag (always an effective magnet for scum), various websites etc etc.Eight calls, no viewers. But I've had some corkers.1.) Idiot 1 rang, but came to look at the car without actually knocking on the door. Hmmm. You can judge a car like that can you?2.) Idiot 2 spoke in that gutteral low-brow moronic drawl. Didn't have a car, could I drive it 40 miles to him? Yes of course Sir.3.) Idiot 3 asked about 30 questions, and set off yesterday for the epic 20 mile drive. Has not been seen since.4.) Idiot 4 rang from South London and was one of the innits. The Innit is a tribe of illiterate Untermensch who end every sentence with the word 'Innit'. Yeah, I want a Beemer innit. I live in London innit.This particular member of the Innit tribe was due to make the 170 mile trip via train. He's awfully late. Innit.5.) Idiot 5 rang last night. "Is the car still for sale"."Yes it is""Okay Mate, thanks"And the call ended there. Hmmm. That's a new one. Now we all know that 98% of cheap car buyers are timewasting Morons but maybe this is a new scheme that cuts out the late arrival for viewing, the 45 minute inspection, the sharp intake of breath at a spec of rust, the test drive and the 'I'll think about it" that means you've wasted an hour of your time. Now the Morons just ring up, ask if it's still for sale and end it all there.Oddly though, I've not yet had a 'what's your best price Pal', an offer of half the asking price or 'what's the lowest you'll take'. Idiot 1 arrived and went in an M plate Scrote but I've yet to have the entire Council family arrive in an S reg Laguna with the fat mouth breathing father, two gum chewing sportswear clad bastard kids and the thick wife repeatedly asking how long the MTO* is for.*No, I'm not kidding.

[Mr Lobster]

I feel your pain. I hate selling cars privately full stop. It's just a complete arseache unless you are selling something a bit more specialist or of interest to 'enthusiasts' then its just a whole world of hassle.You really can understand why otherwise decent cars get broken for parts when you have to deal with that level of society.

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

Yep. It does sound snobbish, but I really dislike scratters.A good car dealer mate of mine summed it up. "Selling £500 cars is a pain in the arse because you're dealing with people with only 500 quid. Anmd why have they only got 500 quid? 'Cos they're f*cking scum".Harsh, but sadly true it seems. The truth will come from my Volvo ad....

[trigger]

I was trying to sell my ST24 the other week, Thought I'd put an Ad on the Pistonheads website, 3.30am the next day i get a text, "Will U Take £1k M8". Nob.Also had a email asking if i would swap for a Astra GSi, Err No, I would say swap if i wanted to swap it and why would i want to swap a T-reg ST24 for a old K Red Astra anyway?

[pogweasel]

I find it all quite interesting. A window into world of the thick, poor and stupid. You meet (and don't meet) some prize bell-ends flogging old chod. And you're right, generally folk looking for a £500 car are skint thicktards who want the moon on a stick. I've met them all.

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

I always keep the numbers of timewasters. Give it a month then a few choice (fake) adverts for unbelievable bargains appear with their number."1998 Golf Mark 4 TDi, needs 2 tyres for MOT, £395". Can you imagine the phone ringing non stop? It is indeed best served cold!

[Volksy]

Yep, as Pog/Mr_B quite rightly pointed out a while ago, the lower the price, the higher stage of moronity you have to deal with..I sold my Chrysler Neon a few weeks back, no MOT/Tax, suspect Headgasket failure etc etc.The number of brain dead inbreds who called up, and text'd (WTF is that all about, oh yer 'only got 20p credit in my phone, innit' ) was unbelevable. They all asked 100's of questions, in the end i gave up, and said READ THE ADVERT!! The trader i just bought the Volvo off was saying that he normally weighs in sub £500 cars/Px's, as the cost of his time/repeat adverts and his general loss of faith in the human race having to deal with the great unwashed means its not worth the effort.

[Father Ted]

5.) Idiot 5 rang last night. "Is the car still for sale"."Yes it is""Okay Mate, thanks"And the call ended there. Hmmm.

In my experience idiot number 5 is usually follwed by a phone call from North West AutoMart offering to sell the car for £50 inclusing lots of colour pictures with a guaranteed readership of one bloke and his dog.As much as the bay of eeeee pains me, I tend to shift my automotive bilge on there these days, but even that is not without its idiots (notwithstanding those that bid and then dont pay) but those that turn up for a viewing and say - yeah right well if i give you 3'&6D will you end the auction, or those that phone and say "end the auction now Im coming with the cash, turn up and say "its not what I expected", then get mad because you havent pulled the auction for them and they call you a timewaster!Honestly, sometimes its easier to just send stuff over the bridge.

[Mr_Bo11ox]

I used to get driven up the wall by it, not any more though its all part of the game isnt it. If someone asks daft questions by text, just ignore em. You can usually tell very quickly on the phone if someone is a cock gobbler or not, and if they are, just tell em that someones coming to see the car in a couple of hours, thats usually enough to discourage them and they leave you alone. Also use ebay! You can just dispatch these meat ingesters from the comfort of your sofa with a nice warm laptop on your knee. Another tip is, if someone wants to come and see it, TAKE THEIR NAME AND NUMBER! That way, if they stand you up, you can ring them and give them some hassle. You probably wont have to, just them knowing that you have their number is enough to encourage them to give you a call if they decide not to bother. If they dont want to give you it, theyre a waster.Just chill and accept that for every serious caller you'll get 5 bacon biters, learn how to sack em off and you'll be half way to mastering the art of flogging motors I reckon.

[pogweasel]

I always keep the numbers of timewasters. Give it a month then a few choice (fake) adverts for unbelievable bargains appear with their number."1998 Golf Mark 4 TDi, needs 2 tyres for MOT, £395". Can you imagine the phone ringing non stop? It is indeed best served cold!

LOL that is chuffing genius. Why did I never think of that.

[155V6]

I've been lucky with the last 2 I've sold (Metro GTI & broken Rover 214 wedge),both were sold on the relevant forums.The buyer for the Metro turned up,let me drive him round the block & gave me £20.00 less than I was asking .The Rover buyer bought it after seeing some photos on the forum,paid a deposit & turned up from a couple of hundred miles away with a trailer 2 weeks later.

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

I really don't want Ebay as you then get Morons countrywide, and I can't see anyone coming for a '92 318i from Bridgend no matter how good it is. I like to keep the Morons fairly close by if possible.I might give it a go at some stage. I never let Ebay auctions run to the end, not since they fcucked over the seller with that one way Negative feedback disgrace. I would wait until the bidding got as far as I wanted, and end the auction, selling to the highest bidder assuming they aren't a 76% feeback loser from 210 miles away with 4 negatives. I will always sell a car off Ebay but will only end the auction when the item is sold, paid for and down the road.I wonder how effective the Ebay classified ads are?I'd really rather not weigh it. I've only just MOT'd it and it's a cracking old thing. I'll probably end up running it until the tax is out and bang it into the local shitter auctions. As you say, it's actually become entertainment dealing with the scummy underbelly of society. If you ever doubt your self worth, try selling a cheap banger.Negative feedback? I have two spare Ebay accounts, one is purely for revenge if need be.

[FredTransit]

I was trying to sell my ST24 the other week, Thought I'd put an Ad on the Pistonheads website, 3.30am the next day i get a text, "Will U Take £1k M8". Nob.

I would have text'd back with "sorry I don't answer text messages" > I don't get it, whenever i buy off ebay (going to get the latest, a Mk2 minibus on sunday) I pay the money and fook off. Unless it's really really a shed. Bet one was a 240 GLT with a fresh MOT for £205.

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

They all asked 100's of questions, in the end i gave up, and said READ THE ADVERT!!

That's another thing. The advert clearly states 'new MOT, tax August' but the Morons still ask how long the MOT is for. I said 15 months to one of them and they didn't twig.Stupidity is a terrible thing. Shame there isn't a cure.

[VWPowered]

I always keep the numbers of timewasters. Give it a month then a few choice (fake) adverts for unbelievable bargains appear with their number."1998 Golf Mark 4 TDi, needs 2 tyres for MOT, £395". Can you imagine the phone ringing non stop? It is indeed best served cold!

LOL that is chuffing genius. Why did I never think of that.

me too

[vicsmith]

I used to get driven up the wall by it, not any more though its all part of the game isnt it. If someone asks daft questions by text, just ignore em. You can usually tell very quickly on the phone if someone is a cock gobbler or not, and if they are, just tell em that someones coming to see the car in a couple of hours, thats usually enough to discourage them and they leave you alone. Also use ebay! You can just dispatch these meat ingesters from the comfort of your sofa with a nice warm laptop on your knee. Another tip is, if someone wants to come and see it, TAKE THEIR NAME AND NUMBER! That way, if they stand you up, you can ring them and give them some hassle. You probably wont have to, just them knowing that you have their number is enough to encourage them to give you a call if they decide not to bother. If they dont want to give you it, theyre a waster.Just chill and accept that for every serious caller you'll get 5 bacon biters, learn how to sack em off and you'll be half way to mastering the art of flogging motors I reckon.

That is absolutely bang on. And remember, if someone comes to see the car and then gets all picky and leaves it over something trivial, all you`ve done is break off from watching an orangutan documentary for five minutes, they`ve wasted petrol and all the journey time, and if you`ve let them spend an hour prodding about and not been able to tell they were messers in all that time, then that is your fault, ten minutes max should tell you if they`re falling in love or not.

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

I used to get driven up the wall by it, not any more though its all part of the game isnt it. If someone asks daft questions by text, just ignore em. You can usually tell very quickly on the phone if someone is a cock gobbler or not, and if they are, just tell em that someones coming to see the car in a couple of hours, thats usually enough to discourage them and they leave you alone. Also use ebay! You can just dispatch these meat ingesters from the comfort of your sofa with a nice warm laptop on your knee. Another tip is, if someone wants to come and see it, TAKE THEIR NAME AND NUMBER! That way, if they stand you up, you can ring them and give them some hassle. You probably wont have to, just them knowing that you have their number is enough to encourage them to give you a call if they decide not to bother. If they dont want to give you it, theyre a waster.Just chill and accept that for every serious caller you'll get 5 bacon biters, learn how to sack em off and you'll be half way to mastering the art of flogging motors I reckon.

That is absolutely bang on. And remember, if someone comes to see the car and then gets all picky and leaves it over something trivial, all you`ve done is break off from watching an orangutan documentary for five minutes, they`ve wasted petrol and all the journey time, and if you`ve let them spend an hour prodding about and not been able to tell they were messers in all that time, then that is your fault, ten minutes max should tell you if they`re falling in love or not.

If only it were that simple. Trouble is, we've all had the 'really keen buyers' who go through the motions. Twice in the past they've been down to the cashpoint to get a deposit, never to be seen again. The last was 2 years ago and a really mint 1998 Vectra GLS which I just weighed in out of frustration. Best place for a Vectra, so all was well..... I know how to get rid of dreamers. Any more than 10-15 mins and I just get businesslike. Any 'I'm not sure about the colour' and I just say 'It's not really the car for you, is it' and herd them out. Above all, I never, ever wait in for them. They have to fit in with my plans. If they want to come when I'm out, hard luck. But I work from home anyway.......... The 1 - 5 bacon biter ratio is woefully inaccurate - so far it's been 8-0 for me.

[55bloke]

I find it all quite interesting. A window into world of the thick, poor and stupid. You meet (and don't meet) some prize bell-ends flogging old chod. And you're right, generally folk looking for a £500 car are skint thicktards who want the moon on a stick. I've met them all.

This strikes me as ever so slightly hypocritical, as most of us on here drive £500 (ish) cars, and I don't think anyone on here are thick or stupid, though possibly some of us are poor!! Having said that, I do agree that there are a LOT of such people out there!

[shite_meister]

I feel your pain brother, had a recent ballache selling my camper and was amazed at the quality of some of the dickheads who enquired/viewed. Its mainly the fact people expect a new motor for fuck-all that boils my piss along with the assumption that I've got fuck-all else to do with my time than deal with twats and that whatever I'm selling is undesirable and impossible to shift and that they're doing me the favour by 'taking it off my hands' how about 'fuck off?'*I've devised a series of questions to ask now so that I can rule out alot of dickheads, they include "Have you got a car to sell first?" and "Have you looked into the insurance?" If someone looks at a car and gives a genuine reason for not wanting your car then fair enough but not many people tend to do that.Being in Jersey means that we can't really sell cars on ebay so its old-fashioned place an advert in various media and wait for the fucktards to come calling.I think that as previously mentioned it is an unfortunate part of selling a car although I wonder if you'd have the same problem if you were selling a Polo/Lupo/Ka/Fiesta for £2,000? (don't think that women generally dick about when it comes to car purchasing as much as men)*apologies for poor language, an emotive subject I find.

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

"Have you got a car to sell first?"

Aaah, that old chestnut. I got caught out once by some retarded oxygen thief with that one. The full inspection, the test drive, the fcuking whole nine yards."Well I've got to sell my car first". Fcuking Moron.Ever since then, I've made it quite clear I'm not going to be pissed about like that. When the subject turns to money, I'm straight in with 'are you paying now and taking it?".If they aren't, they're probably idiots.

[Pete-M]

My Escort van... I put it on Ebay last Monday, someone clicked BIN 3 hours later.A few hours later I got an email from the buyer "How far are you from Old Trafford?"... I answered "About 30 miles, but it's basically a straight trip. M60, M62, and I'm a mile or two from there.His reply "Ok mate. I'll be there after work on Friday". Hmm. Nice one. It's now Friday and I've had no contact from him since. I don't know what time he finishes work, but there's no phone number on his 'phone' thing, and I'm getting a bit pissed off.If he even contemplates haggling he can fuck right off. I've even washed the bloody thing, and I fixed the temp sender.

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

Never, ever use 'BIN". That is a red rag to a retard.I bet you never see this prick.If I were to use an Ebay auction again for a car, I'd 'encourage viewing' and bring your money. Do a deal there and then if they want it (and bollocks to Ebay fees), problem sorted.The thing is - I would never, ever behave like these wankers. I once bought an old 732i off Ebay and realised to my horror I'd misread the advert with regard to item location. The car was down in Essex, 180 miles away. So I got the 5pm train down, got there at 9.30 and hummed back up the A1 under a blanket of stars in the comfort of my £130 synthetic cocoon.On the occasions that I've gone to look at some turd and it really is crap, I just say I've got another one to look at, and always ring back in 2 hours to say No Thanks. It's just good manners FFS.But then again, I'm not uneducated scum.

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

Another mini-rant.Has anyone else ever had some thick fish wife ringing up about a car. In the background you can hear the thick husband asking the questions.'Ask him how much MOT it has"'How much MOT has it got' I'm thinking of taking up scum baiting as a hobby.

[caprighia]

My Rover 416 is in the local chipwrapper this very weekend for 695.Will look forward to doing battle with mouth-breathers and report back !!

[dollywobbler]

I'd quite like to sell my Subaru Legacy (OIRO £850 for this delightful machine...) but to be honest, the hassle of selling does my head in, so I haven't tried very hard.I don't know why I'm so worried - the last two snotters I sold on Ebay went for what I wanted and the deals went through with no problems (other than the Volvo estate catching fire the day after the sale...I still reckon that was a bit dodgy! Still got positive feedback...)

[bigstraight6]

Another mini-rant.Has anyone else ever had some thick fish wife ringing up about a car. In the background you can hear the thick husband asking the questions.'Ask him how much MOT it has"'How much MOT has it got' I'm thinking of taking up scum baiting as a hobby.

Oh yes! I've experienced this before, if they follow up with a viewing you are treated to the spectical of a big old moose in a grey tracksuit with an 'Arthur Pewty' type character in tow

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

Another mini-rant.Has anyone else ever had some thick fish wife ringing up about a car. In the background you can hear the thick husband asking the questions.'Ask him how much MOT it has"'How much MOT has it got' I'm thinking of taking up scum baiting as a hobby.

Oh yes! I've experienced this before, if they follow up with a viewing you are treated to the spectical of a big old moose in a grey tracksuit with an 'Arthur Pewty' type character in tow

You've met them then? Good luck with the Raver 216 Mr Ghia!

[Guest]

What on earth is it with performance cars? I've had all sorts of toss swap offers for the Cuore, just had my second offer of a ropey Impreza tonight. Why would I want to trade my nice low-mileage car for someone else's bag of shit?

[r.welfare]

Think things are worse at the moment, but the last couple of years have been a right faff to sell cheap motors, beit £500 or £2000. You'd think that an E36 318i (best one according to CM's Survival Guide this month!) with a year's ticket, which I assume is tidy, for a monkey would be just the thing for the inpecunious motorist wanting something that will look good on the drive and hold together for a few years with minimal fettling, but then the Great Unwashed are a mystery to me...

[Albert Ross]

The last car I sold was to greenvanman of this parish. I described it a s a pile of shit with MOT, and he turned up, we went for a wee tootle up the road, and I showed him "stealth" mode in the Disastra Turdo Weasel Inastate. (It has the "I'scuse you" engine, so it boogies on a bit when you hit the loud pedal) he handed over the folding, no queries, no haggle, smiles all round, he's had a few little issues in the last 9 months or so, but he's overall happy with it, and it earns it's keep by all accounts......It was an absolute pleasure doing business, and I'm glad it's got a good home as I bloody miss that car! EVERY DAY! (Must buy another one soon) It's even passed an MOT since, witha a little work................I do miss it though, dents/rust and all..................