If you were going to design a car and you wanted to be a complete bastard…

[High Jetter]

29 minutes ago, Zelandeth said:

Pretty simple I think.  Take a mid 80s V12 XJ-S, but add the suspension and hydraulic system from a Citroen XM.  There you go.  Utter maintenance hell.

Sounds like a weapon. Many  faults, tho...

[GeorgeB]

18 hours ago, Zelandeth said:

Pretty simple I think.  Take a mid 80s V12 XJ-S, but add the suspension and hydraulic system from a Citroen XM.  There you go.  Utter maintenance hell.

I'd buy one.

[Zelandeth]

35 minutes ago, GeorgeB said:

I'd buy one.

So would I!  I would also endlessly curse the name of everyone who designed and built it.

Which happened basically every time I did anything to my XJ-S aside from drive it.  The absolute definition of a car assembled by committee.

[Cavcraft]

The EGR valve on a 2013 3008. 

[Knotty Ash Towers]

The Peugeot 407 was obviously designed by such a person. DPF that spits its dummy out at the same point on every journey, wishbone front suspension made from poppadoms, staggered pedals meant for someone with a left leg 2 inches shorter than their right leg. 

[DSdriver]

Have we had: needs internet connection to start?

[Zelandeth]

27 minutes ago, DSdriver said:

Have we had: needs internet connection to start?

I think with their current range that VAG are already about 99.5% of the way to that eventuality anyway...

[green200b]

Since this thread has bought me hours of amusement, I think it's only right that I contribute.

I'm thinking a front-wheel-drive car with an East-West engine setup. The engine bay is quite tight as you'd expect.

The engine timing would be a wet-belt setup, but the belt would be on the back of the engine. The belt tensioner would be made of really thin plastic because the manufacturer would save £1 per car doing this, meaning it will break with no warning if not changed within 40,000 miles, by which point the timing belt would be starting to break up in the oil as well.

The water pump would also be mounted on the back of the engine, meaning that the fan belt would require the engine to be removed in order to change it. The alternator, power steering pump and air-conditioning pump would be mounted down the side of the engine and would be really tight to access.

So you need to change the timing belt? Well it would be impossible to remove the engine without first removing the air-conditioning pump. There would not be enough slack on the hoses, meaning that you'll need to disconnect the pump to get it out of the way, meaning that you'll need to re-gas the air-conditioning as well.

You have now disconnected all of the wiring, accessories etc, and unbolted the engine mounts. There would be one bell housing bolt that will be completely inaccessible without lifting the engine off the engine mounts and moving it towards the side of the car - and you'd need another person to hold the engine in place to stop it from moving and damaging the engine bay paint, plus another person to hold the weight of the gearbox. Once you've done this, you will then find that the input shaft on the gearbox is too long to lift the engine out, because there isn't any more room to move the engine sideways.

Not to worry, you will re-fit the gearbox and then lift the engine and gearbox out together. Unfortunately, this is not possible. There is a structural rail behind the engine and above the gearbox that the gearbox bolts on to. This prevents the gearbox from being lifted up with the engine. You can't leave the gearbox bolted in place because the input shaft is too long to lift the engine off.

That's fine, you're thinking - I'll lower the engine and gearbox out together to get past this problem. Unfortunately, the engine mounting crossmember, which is a structural part of the car, runs underneath the engine and cannot be removed. It is positioned in just the right place where you can almost drop everything down if you lower the engine and gearbox at an angle, but it still won't quite fit. We're talking by a couple of centimetres, just enough that you'll spend ages trying.

You are therefore now forced to lift the engine out of the top of the engine bay, whilst simultaneously removing the gearbox from the bottom of the car. Due to the placement of chassis rails, mounts, inner panels, etc, there is literally no way around this. Of course, installation is the reverse of removal. The just to top it off, after you've done it yourself, you then need to tow the car to the dealer to get something reset so that you can drive the car.

The above process must be repeated every time the timing belt, clutch, fan belt, multiple firewall hoses, clutch hydraulics, or water pump need to be replaced, therefore leaving the customer having to decide just how many components they replace as a precaution every time something needs to be replaced that requires the engine to be removed. The manufacturer could then argue that the car needed to be designed like this in order to reduce manufacturing costs to make the car more affordable, whilst also blaming size requirements and design rules regarding the shape of the front of the car.

To top it off, I'd make sure that extremely low-interest finance was made available for the purchase of the car, to ensure that many people end up with them and are forced to cough up and repair them all the time.

[Metal Guru]

On 28/05/2025 at 10:16, comfortablynumb said:

Anything held in by bolts which are a million different sizes, and invisible from above or underneath 

From the variety of bolt sizes used, you’d think their major source was old mans’ (or shiters) sheds where there’s always a big tin of mixed sizes of nuts bolts screws and nails. 

[Knotty Ash Towers]

20 hours ago, green200b said:

Since this thread has bought me hours of amusement, I think it's only right that I contribute.

I'm thinking a front-wheel-drive car with an East-West engine setup. The engine bay is quite tight as you'd expect.

The engine timing would be a wet-belt setup, but the belt would be on the back of the engine. The belt tensioner would be made of really thin plastic because the manufacturer would save £1 per car doing this, meaning it will break with no warning if not changed within 40,000 miles, by which point the timing belt would be starting to break up in the oil as well.

The water pump would also be mounted on the back of the engine, meaning that the fan belt would require the engine to be removed in order to change it. The alternator, power steering pump and air-conditioning pump would be mounted down the side of the engine and would be really tight to access.

So you need to change the timing belt? Well it would be impossible to remove the engine without first removing the air-conditioning pump. There would not be enough slack on the hoses, meaning that you'll need to disconnect the pump to get it out of the way, meaning that you'll need to re-gas the air-conditioning as well.

You have now disconnected all of the wiring, accessories etc, and unbolted the engine mounts. There would be one bell housing bolt that will be completely inaccessible without lifting the engine off the engine mounts and moving it towards the side of the car - and you'd need another person to hold the engine in place to stop it from moving and damaging the engine bay paint, plus another person to hold the weight of the gearbox. Once you've done this, you will then find that the input shaft on the gearbox is too long to lift the engine out, because there isn't any more room to move the engine sideways.

Not to worry, you will re-fit the gearbox and then lift the engine and gearbox out together. Unfortunately, this is not possible. There is a structural rail behind the engine and above the gearbox that the gearbox bolts on to. This prevents the gearbox from being lifted up with the engine. You can't leave the gearbox bolted in place because the input shaft is too long to lift the engine off.

That's fine, you're thinking - I'll lower the engine and gearbox out together to get past this problem. Unfortunately, the engine mounting crossmember, which is a structural part of the car, runs underneath the engine and cannot be removed. It is positioned in just the right place where you can almost drop everything down if you lower the engine and gearbox at an angle, but it still won't quite fit. We're talking by a couple of centimetres, just enough that you'll spend ages trying.

You are therefore now forced to lift the engine out of the top of the engine bay, whilst simultaneously removing the gearbox from the bottom of the car. Due to the placement of chassis rails, mounts, inner panels, etc, there is literally no way around this. Of course, installation is the reverse of removal. The just to top it off, after you've done it yourself, you then need to tow the car to the dealer to get something reset so that you can drive the car.

The above process must be repeated every time the timing belt, clutch, fan belt, multiple firewall hoses, clutch hydraulics, or water pump need to be replaced, therefore leaving the customer having to decide just how many components they replace as a precaution every time something needs to be replaced that requires the engine to be removed. The manufacturer could then argue that the car needed to be designed like this in order to reduce manufacturing costs to make the car more affordable, whilst also blaming size requirements and design rules regarding the shape of the front of the car.

To top it off, I'd make sure that extremely low-interest finance was made available for the purchase of the car, to ensure that many people end up with them and are forced to cough up and repair them all the time.

That seems to be Ford's favourite way of designing engines these days.

[groovyboovy]

21 hours ago, green200b said:

Since this thread has bought me hours of amusement, I think it's only right that I contribute.

I'm thinking a front-wheel-drive car with an East-West engine setup. The engine bay is quite tight as you'd expect.

The engine timing would be a wet-belt setup, but the belt would be on the back of the engine. The belt tensioner would be made of really thin plastic because the manufacturer would save £1 per car doing this, meaning it will break with no warning if not changed within 40,000 miles, by which point the timing belt would be starting to break up in the oil as well.

The water pump would also be mounted on the back of the engine, meaning that the fan belt would require the engine to be removed in order to change it. The alternator, power steering pump and air-conditioning pump would be mounted down the side of the engine and would be really tight to access.

So you need to change the timing belt? Well it would be impossible to remove the engine without first removing the air-conditioning pump. There would not be enough slack on the hoses, meaning that you'll need to disconnect the pump to get it out of the way, meaning that you'll need to re-gas the air-conditioning as well.

You have now disconnected all of the wiring, accessories etc, and unbolted the engine mounts. There would be one bell housing bolt that will be completely inaccessible without lifting the engine off the engine mounts and moving it towards the side of the car - and you'd need another person to hold the engine in place to stop it from moving and damaging the engine bay paint, plus another person to hold the weight of the gearbox. Once you've done this, you will then find that the input shaft on the gearbox is too long to lift the engine out, because there isn't any more room to move the engine sideways.

Not to worry, you will re-fit the gearbox and then lift the engine and gearbox out together. Unfortunately, this is not possible. There is a structural rail behind the engine and above the gearbox that the gearbox bolts on to. This prevents the gearbox from being lifted up with the engine. You can't leave the gearbox bolted in place because the input shaft is too long to lift the engine off.

That's fine, you're thinking - I'll lower the engine and gearbox out together to get past this problem. Unfortunately, the engine mounting crossmember, which is a structural part of the car, runs underneath the engine and cannot be removed. It is positioned in just the right place where you can almost drop everything down if you lower the engine and gearbox at an angle, but it still won't quite fit. We're talking by a couple of centimetres, just enough that you'll spend ages trying.

You are therefore now forced to lift the engine out of the top of the engine bay, whilst simultaneously removing the gearbox from the bottom of the car. Due to the placement of chassis rails, mounts, inner panels, etc, there is literally no way around this. Of course, installation is the reverse of removal. The just to top it off, after you've done it yourself, you then need to tow the car to the dealer to get something reset so that you can drive the car.

The above process must be repeated every time the timing belt, clutch, fan belt, multiple firewall hoses, clutch hydraulics, or water pump need to be replaced, therefore leaving the customer having to decide just how many components they replace as a precaution every time something needs to be replaced that requires the engine to be removed. The manufacturer could then argue that the car needed to be designed like this in order to reduce manufacturing costs to make the car more affordable, whilst also blaming size requirements and design rules regarding the shape of the front of the car.

To top it off, I'd make sure that extremely low-interest finance was made available for the purchase of the car, to ensure that many people end up with them and are forced to cough up and repair them all the time.

Dont give them any ideas

[Metal Guru]

Voice activated controls via an app.

Did you say brake? Say yes or press 1

Did you say turn? Press 1 for left or press 2 for right.

You are approaching that wall very fast. Should I activate air bags?Say yes or press the star key.

Sorry I don’t understand “fuck off you wanker”, did you mean “give way to the nice gentleman in the Audi?”

 

[alcyonecorporation]

make the entire engine out of G13 silica coolant, advertise it as an EV but in fact it is a diesel with the boost pressure wound up 

also make the discs and wheelbearings out of shit-stained gruyere and blame the customer when they fail 11 times 

[M'coli]

1 hour ago, alcyonecorporation said:

make the entire engine out of G13 silica coolant, advertise it as an EV but in fact it is a diesel with the boost pressure wound up 

also make the discs and wheelbearings out of shit-stained gruyere and blame the customer when they fail 11 times 

Am I right in thinking that C4 still lives in your head rent free???😜

[alcyonecorporation]

9 hours ago, M'coli said:

Am I right in thinking that C4 still lives in your head rent free???😜

no only when people remind me about it