Bavarian Sierra Stress Test

[Longbridge Apologist]

Hello, my first thread, so treat me kindly 😀

I quite fancied chronicling some of my car woes this year, as after 20 odd years of various tat (and quite nice stuff) I have been very lucky. This was until 2021, which seems to have been a disaster. So the Stress Test in this thread is my current daily and the test is my blood pressure...

I appear to have bought what I had hoped was a solid stopgap long MOT estate a few months ago. However despite driving really nicely, it is clearly wanting to be a lemon and give itself an early journey to the scrapper.

A 130k 320i E91 Touring. It burns oil (breather valve?). Its a manual. It's not got any M Sport stickers. It hasn't got 6 cylinders. Its soft and wobbly with non stiff M suspension but does drive really nicely as it must be one of the last noughties cars to be built with hydraulic PAS?

One of the more idiotic bits of BMW design is putting the ECU into a "dry box" that has a sort of sealed lid with clips, then on the bottom of it, a drainage valve in case any water gets in.

Except the valve actually lets in water that can escape the bulkhead below it, slowly drowning the ECU over time.

So staring down the barrel at scrapping the car, I hit the old Altavista and got researching. After stalking some other forums, I managed to find a company that has cloned the ECU data onto another one rather than a new unit from BMW, which is £1600+

Going down to fit it, I find the battery in the car whilst its been sat a month or two has utterly died. So cue the comedy of me opening the drivers door with the mechanical emergency key, then clambering through the back over the seats, tools, bags and then managing to drop the back seats down and open up the trim of the estate boot door then find the pull cable to open it.

That then brings us on to removing the battery (I live in a flat and its residential parking, so cannot charge it in situ). BMW have quite sensibly added something that stops the car getting a Positive feed after a crash:

No complaints there, who wants a Ford Pinto on their hands? It is though however an absolute sod to get off. I've now scraped most the skin off my hand.

It's now on charge in the flat:

It's dawned on me that I've never actually fully charged a dead battery in my life. So what time do we think it will clock up? Closest time wins a Radio Jackie car sticker. Or something....

 

[Noel Tidybeard]

47 hours

[Tadhg Tiogar]

On 8/2/2021 at 4:24 PM, Longbridge Apologist said:

....It's now on charge in the flat:

It's dawned on me that I've never actually fully charged a dead battery in my life. So what time do we think it will clock up? ....

 

Will it actually hold a charge?

[Garythesnail]

14 minutes ago, Tadhg Tiogar said:

Will it actually hold a charge?

I've had difficulty getting a dead battery to 'receive charge' - no juice going in.

I have had success by using jump leads to connect a dead battery in parallel to a good one, and then connecting the charger to it.

[Longbridge Apologist]

The winning answer is.... 15 hours.

Took it off the charger and put it into the car, nervously as this would reveal if the repaired ECU had worked.

And.... nothing.

Half the electrical items didn't work. Panicking that it was the repaired ECU, thought I'd find a volt meter and:

8.4 volts.

Thats that borked then. So bit the bullet and got an Uber to Halfords and £122 down on a Yuasa (why I didn't just have a Halfords one for a ton I don't know).  Uber back with the battery and the feeling that I really need at least one reliable car and notice that anyone doing bangernomics properly probably does as well?

[Longbridge Apologist]

On 8/3/2021 at 7:35 PM, Tadhg Tiogar said:

Will it actually hold a charge?

Turned out it didn't. Halford's lady suggested one of its cells had failed. As did local good mechanic!

[Tadhg Tiogar]

36 minutes ago, Longbridge Apologist said:

Turned out it didn't. Halford's lady suggested one of its cells had failed. As did local good mechanic!

There we go!

[Longbridge Apologist]

Yep!

So would the thing finally come back to life...

 

[Longbridge Apologist]

Yey: it’s back to life

Boo: Local mechanic has found the valvetronic motor is on the way out. £400 to fix.

How much money does one pour into something that feels a lemon? Bought for £1900, £500 spent on ECU and new battery so far.

what to do?

[Sham]

That's always the dilemma isn't it? How much is the next did likely to be? And the next?

[Matty]

Look what 3 grand buys you these days. Then mend it 🙂

[maxxo]

always liked this era of BMW for some godforsaken reason

probably cos they stand no chance and always fall into the wrong hands

which makes them far more exciting!

 

[Longbridge Apologist]

Well I felt I was being a heathen for posting such a car on this forum. It’s neither rare or shite.

Except of cause it is Shite. And I haven’t even mentioned the oil use of the weedy 4 pot yet.

[Longbridge Apologist]

(Should this thread even be in here or in the modern cars one?)

[Longbridge Apologist]

35 minutes ago, maxxo said:

always liked this era of BMW for some godforsaken reason

probably cos they stand no chance and always fall into the wrong hands

which makes them far more exciting!

 

Yes the annoying thing is I’ve never had an estate before and I like the damn thing. Hydraulic steering and superb cup holders, unlike the terrible ones on the E39 I had before it.

[Longbridge Apologist]

A 170 mile round trip to Sandwich to the Late Brake live show today without needing a call to AutoAid.

This is a good thing. As was the day out. Particularly enjoyed gawping at a new Lada Niva and Jonny’s Aggro project.

 

[GrumpiusMaximus]

I had no idea that was on!  Only 20 minutes away.  Bum.

Looks like a good time.

[Longbridge Apologist]

It’s not an addiction, it’s Autoshite

[Longbridge Apologist]

Oh you absolute cock of a car.