The AA (Autoshite Association) Guide to Shite Places of The British Isles

[Partridge]

With the holiday season upon us, some of you may want to go shitewatching on your break. Don’t know where is worth a look? Fear not, help is at hand with the AA Guide to Shite Places of The British Isles.

 

Forward by Bill Oddie,

 

Cars are brilliant. Even more so old ones which drip oil everywhere and kill thousands of birds every year.

So why not go out and enjoy this summer, when the clement weather brings for example, Datsuns out of their garages, and Montegos to Birmingham to breed. 

 

In fact fuck birds, cars are much better! Can you take the gun away from my back now please? 

 

Best regards,

Bill

 

Shite Towns

 

Bristol

 

     While in many ways Bristol is a great city, with a strong history, being home to rip-off BMWS, shit museums, James May and slavery, it does have a considerable draw back: it’s a breeding ground for STDs and students.

With such a high population of students though, Bristol is also a great place to spot shite.

On my trip I spotted a Mercedes W123, a Hillman Avenger and a Renault 4, without having to look very hard.

These cars were brazen, not afarid of being seen. 

A great place to spot shite.

 

Expect to see:

Old luxo barges

Vintage French Shite

Students 

 

Where to look:

Residential ares if you plan on seeing Luxo Barges, places near the water, bars and parks, or anywhere students go to have sex if you want to spot French shite or shitty old hatchbacks

 

Shite Rating:

Renault 16

 

 

Southampton 

 

    Southampton, with it’s colourful assortment of drug dealers, Polish pimps and Quasi Triads is also prime spotting ground for Luxo Barges.

Many old Mercedes and BMW 7 and 5 series can be seen all year round, hardly surprising as the Mercedes E-Class comes here to breed. 

After 7 years these cars begin to sprout chrome wheel-arch extensions and “BAZ†or “GAZ†number plates. 

Rovers are sometimes seen in the quieter parts of Southampton. 

Do not expect to see anything over 20 years old, and bring a stab vest if you have one.

 

Expect to see:

Old Luxo Barges

Rovers 

Cars that are generally a bit shit

SOUTHERN BASTARDS 

 

Where to look:

Housing estates 

Multi storey car parks 

 

Shite Rating:

Austin Maxi

 

 

Warrington and Wigan

 

    Burning wheelie bins and drunken Cheshire girls being sick on the pavements provide an interesting backdrop to this great* part of The British Isles. 

If you can ignore this for long enough, you will notice some hidden gems. 

Many older Vauxhalls reside here. Many are no older than 10 or 15 years, but if you look carefully, you may spot a Cavalier or even a Nova.

Jaguars XJs of all ages find Greater Manchester good nest building habitat, with plenty of wheel heeled old bastards to drive them and semi-respectable areas where Jaguars feel most comfortable, thus, making ideal breeding grounds.

Southern Shiters be advised: this is NORTHERN BASTARD LAND.

 

Expect to see:

Jaguars 

Vauxhalls 

Northerners who say “aye†for no reason a lot. 

 

Where to look:

OK-ish housing estates for the Jaguars.

 

Shite Rating:

Austin Maxi

 

 

...now add your own.

[Sean]

The less desirable towns in Cornwall such as St Austell, Camborne, Hayle and Penzance all boast their own unique blend of shite.

 

Montegos, the odd Maxi, maybe the odd princess, plus a vast array of French 3 stud wheel poo. By far the most common and i suspect the highest concentration in the country will be the colourful collection of VWs ranging from old split screens to mk4 polos, the majority of these will be sporting the 'rat look' whereby the owner purchases a shite car, then makes it shiter by removing the paint from a couple of panels and letting it rust. The car will usually be so low it boasts zero suspension and if none of these traits are easy to spot you can pretty much guarantee the standard stereo will be up very loud and the car will be adorned with stickers such as 'slut', 'dubway', 'my other ride is your mum' etc etc.

 

You can look pretty much anywhere in these towns and the cars will surface however if the weather is similar to the past few weeks then the air cooled ones will be broken down by the side of the road somewhere and the others will be sat on driveways as the owners will have spent the petrol portion of their wages on hotdogs for the nightly barbecues they hold seemingly anywhere but in their own garden.

[EssDeeWon]

Sean you beat me to it, I was going to suggest Newquay for scened up Dubs with roof racks, surf stickers, probably lowered with some wanky steel wheels, also many 'RARE' split screen vans topped off with 'QuickSilver' and 'O'Neill' stickers and owners with crazy unwashed hair and bermuda shorts who refer to everyone as 'Man'

 

Used to own a MK1 Golf GTi Cabriolet, some of these dudes used to flash their lights or wave, did I ever once return the gesture? Did I feck, think the local ones gave up eventually!

 

Back to the subject matter...

[trigger]

I think it's fair to say Jaywick would be high on the top 10 shiteholes to visit list.

[RobT]

I think it's fair to say Jaywick would be high on the top 10 shiteholes to visit list.

 

I went there last year in the Montego and I had the best/worst car there.  I was a bit disappointed in the shite content, I expected the place to be awash with the stuff but too many new-ish moderns for my liking.  The houses are proper shite though.

 

The North Kent coast has its fair share of shite, from Bohemian London exiles driving shabby 2CVs around Whitstable to your average skint native barrelling around Herne Bay in old Rovers and Fords Fiestas, the best time to visit is in the middle of winter when the area looks suitably grim and miserable.

[fordnut]

Was going to add Southampton but pleased to see that it's already been done!!

[Sigmund Fraud]

Nothing witty to add, but I should point out that there is an actual book which is surprisingly close to an autoshite guide of Britain ! I read it last year and it's absolutely brilliant. Highly recommended, for maximum effect it must be read from the cheapest, shabbiest copy available on Ebay !

[londonm]

Thamesmead.

[DSdriver]

The village of Hadlow near Tonbridge which, before Maggy T let everyone buy their council houses had the highest ratio of council to private dwellings in the country* is a wonderful place for shite spotting as the population has remained true to their council house roots in car ownership.

The only problem is that some whacko is going around spiking perfectly good tyres probably on commision from the local tyre sellers. Apparently the police have a good idea of who it is but can't get a positive id because he wears a hoody. Well, why not send in the fashion police?, he deserves three years hard labour for being at least a decade too late in sartorial elegance.

[Swampy21]

Anywhere in East Lancashire..............

Blackburn,Burnley,Accrington,Bacup,Rawtenstall,Nelson,Colne.................ALL are absolutely hoachin with old Chod.

High Asian population and people who don't give a shit generally guarantees a high percentage of early Nissan,Toyota,Proton,Mitsubishi and Ford examples of crusty loveliness.

[Junkman]

If you really like barges, the only way is Essex.

 

Man, do those Essex boys like their big old motors. Awash with three litre Dagenham dreams of yore, you'll spot the odd Lincoln Towncar and Ford Mustang there. Bonus points for a Toyota Crown, Nissan Gloria, or four litre Lexus.

[Partridge]

And I’m assuming Range Rover Classics down country lanes with bullet holes in them?

[Paul Dupart]

Corby is a really shitty shite place. They could have made Life on Mars there without having to bring in any additional props.

[treehugger]

Hull=chavs, as does Skegness, Middlesborough, Barrow in Furness. Cars generally stolen!

[Shep Shepherd]

If you really like barges, the only way is Essex.

 

Man, do those Essex boys like their big old motors. Awash with three litre Dagenham dreams of yore, you'll spot the odd Lincoln Towncar and Ford Mustang there. Bonus points for a Toyota Crown, Nissan Gloria, or four litre Lexus.

 

I live in Southend and there's a Town Car often parked in the next street

[Partridge]

This thread needs to be brought back from the dead-I'm quietley proud of it.

[UmBongo]

Travelling through Scotland on an Autoshite journey of discovery?

 

Why not stop off in sunny Bathgate, home to all kinds of undiscovered genetic abnormalities.

 

Do you like being crashed into by drunken Poles who think it's a good idea to drink a litre of cheap vodka, or meths, then get in their 1990 Vauxhall Igor and travel to work?

 

Yes? Come to Bathgate.

 

Do you like being duffed up by Neds for laughing at their Halfords-inspired shite-boxes?

 

Yes? Come to Bathgate.

 

You will be amazed when you see that every middle-aged woman here looks exactly the same as the next one.

The uniform of choice is a mop of badly dyed hair on their napper, a red or lilac anorak and a pair of white trainers, stolen to order from Sports Direct.

 

So, come to Bathgate and buy yourself a bride for the princely sum of a Sports Direct voucher and ten cans of Tennents Special!

 

Actually, just replace Bathgate with any small town in the central belt and you won't go far wrong.

 

 

 

[Partridge]

That needs to be voiced over by the bloke that does the Co-Op ads.

Bathgate. Good with shite.

[mercrocker]

Cant slate Bathgate...where would we be without all that 60s/70s Leyland lorry chod?

[brickwall]

Bathgate: turn a beautiful town to a shithole in 20 easy years

[Junkman]

Are you guys sure you don't confuse this thread with this one?

http://autoshite.com/topic/14791-horrible-places-you-have-been-to-in-the-uk/

[UmBongo]

Callander is not shite at all, albeit quite boring.

 

However, if you stay overnight, you may be reminded of the film, Westworld, starring Yul Brynner as the robot cowboy gunslinger.

 

On traipsing the main street early one morning, I saw the same characters from the day before, as if they were robots that had been reactivated, ready for the first of many boring days ahead.

 

There is a good toy museum, although run by robots, they do have a penchant for '70s shite like Raleigh Choppers and Action Man.

[Junkman]

Do you cherish the artsy fartsy Scandinavian IKEA-ish aesthetics with a dab of Bauhaus, prefer to enjoy your Latte in halogen-lit cafes with post-modern stainless steel furniture and a black Resopal counter, but don't have the means to fulfill your dream of a Molnár Villa kitted out with Hans Wegner furniture and thus would like to compensate for now with the purchase of an old Saab?

 

Well, you have come to the right place if you visit Cheltenham, Britain's capital of old Swedish chod.

[brickwall]

Who said Callander is shite?

[UmBongo]

Who said Callander is shite?

 

The Aberfoyle Residents Society Enterprise Scheme.

[brickwall]

Ah! So it was us...the "people from the other side of the pass".