TV characters in shite cars

[MiniMinorMk3]

On 30/10/2024 at 20:40, warch said:

I think Dr Who’s Bessie (introduced by Third Doctor Jon Pertwee) was an early adoption of this particular phenomenon i.e. something deliberately old* and quirky.

*Before anyone writes in I am aware that the actual car was a contemporary replica of an Edwardian roadster.
 

The Dr Who car was a Siva Edwardian. It had a side valve Ford engine for power.

Siva Motor Car Company - Wikipedia

[warch]

8 minutes ago, MiniMinorMk3 said:

The Dr Who car was a Siva Edwardian. It had a side valve Ford engine for power.

Siva Motor Car Company - Wikipedia

Thanks, yes I did mean contemporary as in early 1970s.

[Missy Charm]

On 28/10/2024 at 22:12, Split_Pin said:

Absolutely! Reminds me initially of DI Jack Frost who drove what would have been a 12 or so year old 240 estate, and then Jonathan Creek.

For me, TV characters with shite cars is very contrived. 

TV characters with shit cars on the other hand, tells me much more about the character.

DI Frost has a Cavalier, Sierra, Volvo 240 and latterly a MK3 Astra Estate. All at the bottom of their curves at the time.

Of course, we can't forget Peter Falk in Columbo who had his Peugeot 403 Cabriolet for so long it went from a shit old wreck to an endearing classic!

 

Frost did, but my 'Touch of Frost' favourite was always DS Maureen Lawson's Escort Cabriolet.  It was an end-of-the-eighties special, complete with (I think) colour contrast body kit and all the goodies.  You get to see the car in about one scene of one episode, suggesting it might have been a kid gloves job for the actress and crew.  

I also liked the Sierra Cosworth in the 'Tale of the Spoilt Brat and the Casino' episode.  

[Dobloseven]

How about a proper Autoshite police procedural? I'm thinking "DI Sapphire".Set in Rhyl,the eponymous hero ,Jack,drives a Ford Sierra,that belonged to his elderly father,himself a former old school cop,who now resides in a seafront care home.He's lived his life feeling inferior to the old man,and they have difficult conversations when he visits him.He has a strained marriage to an ambitious defence barrister,who drives a new Audi on a PCP.They cross swords frequently,in court.He also suffers from insomnia and spends much time in a shed in his garden where he tries to relax.They've  two teenage children, Emily,a wild child who has a habit of getting in with the wrong people.And non binary Zog,who currently identifies as a seagull and causes his dad much embarrassment when he's arrested for stealing chips on the promenade.

In episode one,a dog walker finds a body on the beach. Sapphire turns up in his Sierra,to be joined by the pathologist known only as" Bones".He's a curious character,who has a pronounced limp and drives a vintage electric invalid carriage that may or may not be road legal.He's had a shady past that will catch up with him in future episodes.He examines the body,and pronounces that despite being badly beaten, the cause of death is strangulation.Round the victims neck are some strange rectangular marks with traces of an oily substance.Further forensic investigation by Bones reveals the marks were made by a wet timing belt from a Ford Ecoboost 1.0.However the oil traces are not of the properCastrol oil that should always be used,but some cheap stuff that ECP sell in big drums.The victim is identified as Frank"Hydraulic"Tappet,a local garage owner.He'd worked at the local Ford dealer for many years before starting his own business as an independent Ford specialist.All had gone well and he'd become the go to guy for Ecoboost wet belt changes.However,he'd developed an addiction to the slot machines in the arcades and word had it,he'd started cutting corners,not doing the work he was charging for,to feed his habit.Sapphire finds some invoices in the unit the victim worked out of.One is for a Mrs Tibbs,who Sapphire calls on along with his loyal sidekick,DS Hobbies,a quiet happily married chap with a young child.He drives a Nissan Quasqai because of its five star NCAP.Mrs Tibbs is very upset to hear of Tappets death.He'd been very kind to her,offering to do her wetbelt for £800,when the robdogs at Ford wanted £1200.When further work was found to be necessary, he'd fitted a brand new engine for only another £1500.He was such a kind man.After she'd paid him,he assured her the oil light not going out immediately and the rattle on start up was just the new engine bedding in.She didn't know who she would turn to now he'd gone.She'd gone to another garage to have her tyres checked and they'd told her the engine sounded awful and not to drive it.Just looking for work,they were,lying so and sos.Sapphire looks knowingly at Hobbis and they bid her good day.

Another invoice is for Ray "Marsh"Mallow, Sapphires nemesis.He owns a rock and fudge emporium.It's well known that it's a front for his drugs and money laundering business but Sapphire has never managed to nick him,getting him to court once,only for Mrs Sapphire to get him off.She practices law under her maiden name.They arrive at Mallows impossibly large house, surrounded by electric gates and security cameras.His black Range Rover, registration FUD63 and his wife's Mercedes SLK NOU11GAT are parked outside.Mallow comes to the door"What do you want, Sapphire?,I suppose it's about that toerag Tappet.Ripped me off properly he did,when he put a so called new engine in my lads Focus ST.Had to go round to sort him out,I did.Glad he's dead, won't do it again ,will he?"This is enough for Sapphire,"Raymond Winston Mallow, I'm arresting you on suspicion of the murder of...""Hold  your horses Columbo,think you'd better look at this"Mallow switches on a CCTV monitor."You see,on the night of the murder,we was here all the time,having a party we was.My lads birthday.And look who was here as well"He points out Sapphires daughter,dancing intimately with Mallow junior on the screen.Sapphire is speechless.She'd told him she was going to a friends party,thats all."Right little goer,my lad reckons too, don't suppose she told you they were an item did she.Anyway on your bike sunshine.Oh,and say hello to your missus for me.And one more thing Sapphire,get that heap of crap off my drive,lowering the tone,it is".This is too much for Sapphire."That car is an appreciating classic.A place in Scotland sold one for six thousand pounds recently.And that was only an L ,whereas mines a GLS that were only made for two years.Unlike your Range Rover which is losing money every month and needs a main dealer to top up the screen wash,it can be repaired by any garage or a competent DIYer.Most parts are available,apart from some model specific trim items.There's an excellent owners club too,who are having some items remanufactured........"Hobbis grabs his arm."Leave it ,guv, he's not worth it",and they leave Mallow shouts"You sad tosser!"after him.

Returning home, Sapphire confronts his wife who is preparing dinner."Why didn't you tell me about Emily and the Mallow boy? She's my daughter too"."Actually,Jack, she's not.Her father is a real man,unlike you.But don't worry,the precious Sapphire DNA is safe.He,I mean they,that ...is yours."She points at Zog,who is preening himself in the corner.Jack storms out to his shed where he spends the night.It's a proper job what he made himself.18mm T&G,fully insulated,light and power, concrete base etc.He's woken in the morning by Zog bringing him a cup of tea."Dad,I've got something to tell you"."FFS ,what is it this time,you want  to be a squirrel now,or something?"."No ,Dad,the night the body was dumped,I saw what happened...."Apparently he'd been perched on top of a shelter eating a Ginsters steak bake he'd found in a bin and seen two foreign speaking guys in a white LWB Mercedes Sprinter.He'd not wanted to tell Jack because after the chip nicking business, he'd been ordered to stay away from the seafront.

Sapphire bursts into the station to be met by Bones who has some good news as well.He's found a screwed up post it note with some foreign writing on it,pushed down the victims throat.His extensive knowledge of languages,tells him it said"The money or the engines " in Romanian.Tappet must have been getting the dodgy engines from somewhere and apparently two Romanian brothers have been bringing them over, offering to supply small garages.He must have crossed them by failing to pay.In the yard at Tappets unit is a shipping container.Sapphire orders a PC to force it open.It's full of used engines that have been crudely pulled out with old seatbelts,hoses and wiring hacked through roughly,dripping fluids.The bad guys won't be getting any money,so it's reckoned they'll be after the engines back.A trap is set,The engines are replaced with burly coppers,and when the baddies open the container, they're nicked fair and square.

Back at the station, Sapphire is confronted by the Chief Super.In a feat of extreme box ticking, she's a wheelchair bound, morbidly obese,mixed race, transgender lesbian."Sapphire,my office,now!" She looks at him sternly,then her face breaks into a smile."You did well today Jack,good teamwork.One more thing though,have you thought about promotion.There's a DCIs job coming up at Llandudno you know.""Sorry,not,for me ma'm,not till I've put that bastard Mallow behind bars"."You're a good man Jack,now go home and relax".

As he leaves the station,Hobbis catches up with him."Pint guv?".He doesn't normally socialise,but just this once they go to the Hello Sailor Bar and Grill.Bones has called in as well on his way home.He lives alone in a former public convenience converted into a bijou studio apartment.As they sit reflecting on a job well done,Hobbis asks"What'll happen to all those engines,guv?"."Oh,I expect they'll end up on eBay".Bones mentions that on a car forum he's joined , someone's putting one in a Sierra."Not for me I'm afraid",says Sapphire."I like my timing belts like I like my women"."You mean dry,and easily got at?",jokes  Bones.And they all laugh as the captions roll.

[EyesWeldedShut]

8 minutes ago, Dobloseven said:

She practices law under her maiden name.

Awww - now you got me all in suspenders - I guess we get the maiden name in Season 2?

 

[eddyramrod]

@Dobloseven That is absolutely brilliant!

[chaseracer]

3 hours ago, Dobloseven said:

How about a proper Autoshite police procedural? I'm thinking "DI Sapphire".Set in Rhyl,the eponymous hero ,Jack,drives a Ford Sierra,that belonged to his elderly father,himself a former old school cop,who now resides in a seafront care home.He's lived his life feeling inferior to the old man,and they have difficult conversations when he visits him.He has a strained marriage to an ambitious defence barrister,who drives a new Audi on a PCP.They cross swords frequently,in court.He also suffers from insomnia and spends much time in a shed in his garden where he tries to relax.They've  two teenage children, Emily,a wild child who has a habit of getting in with the wrong people.And non binary Zog,who currently identifies as a seagull and causes his dad much embarrassment when he's arrested for stealing chips on the promenade.

In episode one,a dog walker finds a body on the beach. Sapphire turns up in his Sierra,to be joined by the pathologist known only as" Bones".He's a curious character,who has a pronounced limp and drives a vintage electric invalid carriage that may or may not be road legal.He's had a shady past that will catch up with him in future episodes.He examines the body,and pronounces that despite being badly beaten, the cause of death is strangulation.Round the victims neck are some strange rectangular marks with traces of an oily substance.Further forensic investigation by Bones reveals the marks were made by a wet timing belt from a Ford Ecoboost 1.0.However the oil traces are not of the properCastrol oil that should always be used,but some cheap stuff that ECP sell in big drums.The victim is identified as Frank"Hydraulic"Tappet,a local garage owner.He'd worked at the local Ford dealer for many years before starting his own business as an independent Ford specialist.All had gone well and he'd become the go to guy for Ecoboost wet belt changes.However,he'd developed an addiction to the slot machines in the arcades and word had it,he'd started cutting corners,not doing the work he was charging for,to feed his habit.Sapphire finds some invoices in the unit the victim worked out of.One is for a Mrs Tibbs,who Sapphire calls on along with his loyal sidekick,DS Hobbies,a quiet happily married chap with a young child.He drives a Nissan Quasqai because of its five star NCAP.Mrs Tibbs is very upset to hear of Tappets death.He'd been very kind to her,offering to do her wetbelt for £800,when the robdogs at Ford wanted £1200.When further work was found to be necessary, he'd fitted a brand new engine for only another £1500.He was such a kind man.After she'd paid him,he assured her the oil light not going out immediately and the rattle on start up was just the new engine bedding in.She didn't know who she would turn to now he'd gone.She'd gone to another garage to have her tyres checked and they'd told her the engine sounded awful and not to drive it.Just looking for work,they were,lying so and sos.Sapphire looks knowingly at Hobbis and they bid her good day.

Another invoice is for Ray "Marsh"Mallow, Sapphires nemesis.He owns a rock and fudge emporium.It's well known that it's a front for his drugs and money laundering business but Sapphire has never managed to nick him,getting him to court once,only for Mrs Sapphire to get him off.She practices law under her maiden name.They arrive at Mallows impossibly large house, surrounded by electric gates and security cameras.His black Range Rover, registration FUD63 and his wife's Mercedes SLK NOU11GAT are parked outside.Mallow comes to the door"What do you want, Sapphire?,I suppose it's about that toerag Tappet.Ripped me off properly he did,when he put a so called new engine in my lads Focus ST.Had to go round to sort him out,I did.Glad he's dead, won't do it again ,will he?"This is enough for Sapphire,"Raymond Winston Mallow, I'm arresting you on suspicion of the murder of...""Hold  your horses Columbo,think you'd better look at this"Mallow switches on a CCTV monitor."You see,on the night of the murder,we was here all the time,having a party we was.My lads birthday.And look who was here as well"He points out Sapphires daughter,dancing intimately with Mallow junior on the screen.Sapphire is speechless.She'd told him she was going to a friends party,thats all."Right little goer,my lad reckons too, don't suppose she told you they were an item did she.Anyway on your bike sunshine.Oh,and say hello to your missus for me.And one more thing Sapphire,get that heap of crap off my drive,lowering the tone,it is".This is too much for Sapphire."That car is an appreciating classic.A place in Scotland sold one for six thousand pounds recently.And that was only an L ,whereas mines a GLS that were only made for two years.Unlike your Range Rover which is losing money every month and needs a main dealer to top up the screen wash,it can be repaired by any garage or a competent DIYer.Most parts are available,apart from some model specific trim items.There's an excellent owners club too,who are having some items remanufactured........"Hobbis grabs his arm."Leave it ,guv, he's not worth it",and they leave Mallow shouts"You sad tosser!"after him.

Returning home, Sapphire confronts his wife who is preparing dinner."Why didn't you tell me about Emily and the Mallow boy? She's my daughter too"."Actually,Jack, she's not.Her father is a real man,unlike you.But don't worry,the precious Sapphire DNA is safe.He,I mean they,that ...is yours."She points at Zog,who is preening himself in the corner.Jack storms out to his shed where he spends the night.It's a proper job what he made himself.18mm T&G,fully insulated,light and power, concrete base etc.He's woken in the morning by Zog bringing him a cup of tea."Dad,I've got something to tell you"."FFS ,what is it this time,you want  to be a squirrel now,or something?"."No ,Dad,the night the body was dumped,I saw what happened...."Apparently he'd been perched on top of a shelter eating a Ginsters steak bake he'd found in a bin and seen two foreign speaking guys in a white LWB Mercedes Sprinter.He'd not wanted to tell Jack because after the chip nicking business, he'd been ordered to stay away from the seafront.

Sapphire bursts into the station to be met by Bones who has some good news as well.He's found a screwed up post it note with some foreign writing on it,pushed down the victims throat.His extensive knowledge of languages,tells him it said"The money or the engines " in Romanian.Tappet must have been getting the dodgy engines from somewhere and apparently two Romanian brothers have been bringing them over, offering to supply small garages.He must have crossed them by failing to pay.In the yard at Tappets unit is a shipping container.Sapphire orders a PC to force it open.It's full of used engines that have been crudely pulled out with old seatbelts,hoses and wiring hacked through roughly,dripping fluids.The bad guys won't be getting any money,so it's reckoned they'll be after the engines back.A trap is set,The engines are replaced with burly coppers,and when the baddies open the container, they're nicked fair and square.

Back at the station, Sapphire is confronted by the Chief Super.In a feat of extreme box ticking, she's a wheelchair bound, morbidly obese,mixed race, transgender lesbian."Sapphire,my office,now!" She looks at him sternly,then her face breaks into a smile."You did well today Jack,good teamwork.One more thing though,have you thought about promotion.There's a DCIs job coming up at Llandudno you know.""Sorry,not,for me ma'm,not till I've put that bastard Mallow behind bars"."You're a good man Jack,now go home and relax".

As he leaves the station,Hobbis catches up with him."Pint guv?".He doesn't normally socialise,but just this once they go to the Hello Sailor Bar and Grill.Bones has called in as well on his way home.He lives alone in a former public convenience converted into a bijou studio apartment.As they sit reflecting on a job well done,Hobbis asks"What'll happen to all those engines,guv?"."Oh,I expect they'll end up on eBay".Bones mentions that on a car forum he's joined , someone's putting one in a Sierra."Not for me I'm afraid",says Sapphire."I like my timing belts like I like my women"."You mean dry,and easily got at?",jokes  Bones.And they all laugh as the captions roll.

Unless @HMC buys an Invacar powered by a Rolls-Royce Merlin, you have won Autoshite for the foreseeable!