Marathon, pic heavy, PSA shitposting

[TheXUDfiles]

Right, I felt it was high time to record the nonsense I've been getting up to for the past three years with PSA rubbish. Some of it I've posted about under a different user name in the past, some of it more recent. 

The cars aren't in order because I've honestly lost track. I've probably missed some stuff out. There have been other cars in the middle of all of this: three Mercs, a Volvo, a Rover, a couple of Jags, some of which are still here. But my morbid fascination with PSA junk has always been there, like a celebrity crush you had right before you hit puberty or an untreated verruca. 

I'm sure I've made spelling errors, typos and grammar errors, but I've spewed out far too much to go back and check it all again. Nobody pays me to write anymore. 

Anyway, buckle up, hold onto that weird, slightly mouldy and peeling plastic grab handle because we're going in...

Peugeot 605 V6 SVE: 

I agreed to buy this when I was drunk, at a guess four years ago? I sold it when I lost/quit my job and sold it to a friend, who the car caught fire on (indicator stalk caught fire). 

It ended up in NI, and the owner lost patience with the fire thing and scrapped it. This is how it appeared the night I bought it. 

 

Peugeot 405 STI:

Bought this about three years ago in a strop, when another 605 I was going to view was scrapped by the owner before I could come and view it. 

Belonged to the same family since 1996, used by an old lady as her shopping car, and was being sold when she could no longer get into it.

I've sunk a fair few quid into this, just by getting maintenance tasks like belts out of the way, and replacing consumables like the exhaust, which looked like a Cadbury's flake by the time I got around to replacing it. 

Also had some body work done to it, after a van reversed into it. Said "sod it" and had some old dents and rust spots which were starting to bubble up. There's more rust coming, but that's a problem 2021 XUDFiles can deal with. 

As the car appears now:

"Swampy" 

This is the only picture I could find of the exterior of Swampy. I know the picture is sideways, and I can't be arsed to sort it out.

It was a breaker we bought which had been accident damaged. We stripped it for some rare trim bits and the alloys, which were wearing nearly brand new Uniroyals! And yes, they grip very well, as I was stuffing down country lanes on the way back, in a way I'm too precious to drive the silver one. The spoiler was sold for £150! The radio - that went to Finland for some bloke who was restoring an MI16. It lives on in plastic boxes in the cupboard upstairs. The rear bumper is a keeper because our one has a DIY hole in it so the bodged exhaust the silver one came with could fit. The "big bumper" body kits are few a few bob now, because people are taking an interest in MI16s beyond engine doners for 205s.

Why is it called Swampy? The ariel leaked, filling the footwells up, creating a micro climate. The picture shows the car after it had been drained. A hole was drilled in the floor because the mats became sentient, got up and walked out of the car on their own, probably to follow me home and kick me in the balls for being such a stupid sod and buying another 605...

 

When Donald Trump kept using the term "drain the swap" during his election bid, I'm not sure that's why he meant?

605 V6 SVE (round two)

"Are you not entertained!?" would be this car's catchphrase if it had one. So far, it's given the kind of "active ownership" experience you'd expect with a big, obscure French luxury car. If you want to be well known on Autoshite or any car forum, if you want a car to keep your mind active, to motivate you to get extra hours at work, if you want a project you can get knee deep in, get a 605. It is though, MILES better than the red one. This silver one is quite a late SVE, which means a lot of the stupid niggles which saw off many older cars are either not there, or much less serious.

I still have it, and I'm probably the least into this car than any of the others, but it's staying. Not only is my partner attached this one (she's even named it Roxanne*), this is pretty much a window into my mind. The so-very-90s interior is, in terms of my personal taste, perfect. Because Peugeot didn't really have an image as an executive car maker (they had the 604, but whatever) you can tell they made an extra effort to make this as executive as possible. 

You know that scene in American Psycho where Patrick Bateman has a psychotic episode because somebody had a better business card than him? That's this car. It's like it's overcompensating for something, in the same way an air hostess of an airline that's screwed up in someway is extra nice to you. You don't have to look at normal doorcard plastic in a 605. The bit where you'd normally have a nasty plastic bin? That's carpeted. The fucking speakers? C A R P E T.  The Clarion radio has a display which reminds me of a very expensive VCR my Dad bought when he got promoted in about 1997.

Driving dynamics are why I really wanted one. They're a curious mixture of taught body control, wafty suspension and steering which is light enough to make the car feel like you could drive it with one finger, while still feeling direct. This of course, all comes at a price. The dampers are computer controlled (two words which will strike fear into the heart of anyone running a top-of-the-line car from the '90s) and linked to the steering by some weird-ass module in the engine bay, which leads confusing and expensive looking fluid lines into places you can't get to.

There's two problems this system is suffering on mine, the first is quite simple. 

The dampers are getting low on gas, which means they often lock themselves sport mode, which is the state they go to in when the gas is in short supply (the car lets you know this by putting up a flashing orange graphic of a damper on the binnacle (WHICH YOU CANNOT TURN OFF). Of course, you can't just wonder into ECP, saying "Awight, got the dampers for my 605, yeah?" Modern Toss style and get new ones, because that is far too easy - the 605 sets you up with a kind of Takeshi's Castle car ownership format, where pitfalls are hiding under what you expect to be straight forward, simple missions. Thankfully, I have a friend who has a friend with a superhuman type power to get part numbers for weird Pugs. They're not expensive, and I can get some. 

What caused more issues was the power steering. Issues included juddering at low speeds, and sometimes getting so heavy when parking the car wasn't drivable. The system was bled, by me, then by a garage, which didn't do anything at all. The power steering pump is driven off the aux belt, which I had changed. The old belt looked as old as the car, and was tensioned to the correct spec. Needed doing. Did it fix the issue? No. Next, the steering was checked for leaks. No leaks. Next up was a used power steering pump, which came from a man who broke 605 24vs for the engines (some more modern Alpines use them) as new ones seem to be NLA.  No difference. At all. 

Remember that weird computer module from earlier? The one which directs fluid to the steering and suspension in tandem? I didn't even know it had it, it was only after my mechanic had spent several days with the car, then randomly said "What the fuck is that?" on seeing this module that we were able to diagnose the problem. Somebody had messed about with it at some stage, and attached an outlet pipe to an inlet and visa versa on the hydraulic ram for the steering rack, which has totally banjaxed the ram.

My Mrs found a new/old stock ram on eBay for £owch. This new ram is currently nested in the boot doing stuff-all until one of us gets the inclination to use the 605 again.

The computerised steering and suspension system** is a stunning thing when it's working, it really is, but I can't help wonder how many SVEs this kind of automotive wild goose chasing it tends to induce saw of. Don't even ask me what I'll do when the "What the fuck is that?" module gives out.

As a bit of poetic justice(?) the last owner of the red 605 gave me the interior for free, which is now in the downstairs loo. These parts are like gold dust, so a spare interior is an amazing thing have.

Here's a picture of it in the garage, having god knows what done. 

But it's easy to forgive a car its faults when it looks so damn good.

People talk about Alfas and some Bimmers being sexy...but this is what does it for me.

Citroen Xantia. 

I bought it to see what the fuss was about. Only rides about 10% better than a 405, looks like a woodlouse, totally uncharismatic. 2.0 XU, the same as my 405, but the hydrophnumatics (don't know if that's how you spell it, can't be arsed to check) clobber it has to lug around blunts the performance somewhat. 

There are people who think these are "fast". The reality is you can heft them over bad roads faster without doing damage than you can a conventionally sprung car, but "fast"? No.  Put it up against anything remotely fast, and it will get its arse handed to it. I find the cars interesting, but I really cannot abide the total nonsensical gibberish people tend to talk about them.

It swallowed a core plug, and quite literally exploded on an otherwise lovely Summer afternoon. The car was offered out on the CCC's facebook group for free. Nobody wanted, everyone on there chided me for binning it, though. 

What happened next is a saga which needs it own thread, and if you love Citroens, for the love of God, don't read it.

Next. 

Peugeot 306 Sedan [REDACTED]

This is the car which nearly got me banned, for calling it Sedan [REDACTED], implying that the car, and possibly the drivers of such cars (including myself by the way) were of an inferior intellect, by using a term which some shiter's may find offensive. I don't really want this thread to decent into a Jordan Peterson style anti-snowflake, anti-political correctness rant (if you like that kind of thing, add me on facebook)

Anyone, I went to Wales in a borrowed Rover HHR to collect Sedan [REDACTED], and fell over in the yard the car was living, cutting my ankle open, the panicked because I saw a rat running around, so my first trip in Sedan [REDACTED] was to Tesco Welshpool to buy some news socks, anti-septic wipes and plasters. The socks outlasted the car. 

Not my finest hour, but I still miss it.

The shocks were buggered on it, among other things, so I decided to let it go. I sold it to another shiter who I think scrapped it, because maybe not suprsingly, nobody wanted it.

Ahh, I miss how that car made me attack post-modernism. Next. 

405 estate:

I'm finding this genuinely tiring to write now, so will rattle through this last one.

Drove to Devon to pick this up, in the snow, making it even more of an adventure than Sedan [REDACTED].

It was ace. Did about 9,000 miles in it, through every weather condition, carting allotment junk, camping equipment (that's my Mrs's thing, you won't get me in a tent.) and people everyone, and in comfort. It had chicken wire holding the roof up. We loved it. 

The fuel pump died, along with the glow plugs and a few electrical maladies. Bought by a chap on the 405 Facebook group, now fixed and improved, good to make the next person happy. 

We didn't repair it because we bought a W124 estate which is far cooler, and more "National Trust", and probably a better place to pitchfork one's money towards.

We kept the 305 GTX alloys, no idea what they will go on.

If you read all of that, well done.

God, that was exhausting. 

*The previous 605 had a habit of overheating, and throwing up a red light on the dash. We don't want Roxanne to do that. 

**The steering and suspension are firmed up and softened, working in tandem with each other. The steering hardens when you heft it around like a moron, and the shocks do a similar thing, anticipating what What Car in the '90s would call "spirited" driving. The suspension constantly adjusts itself to the road surface, which is the main role of this module I keep talking about.

 

 

  

 

[chaseracer]

I'm sure that first 605 is the one which ate a driveshaft/wheel bearing/something extremely vibratory while I was 'making progress' up the A46 accompanied by @alcyonecorporationand @Inspector Morose...

[TheXUDfiles]

1 minute ago, chaseracer said:

I'm sure that first 605 is the one which ate a driveshaft/wheel bearing/something extremely vibratory while I was 'making progress' up the A46 accompanied by @alcyonecorporationand @Inspector Morose...

Yes, it was. 

[alcyonecorporation]

hhhhhhhhhhh

[alcyonecorporation]

I jumped up and down on that Xantia, siphoned all the fuel out of it and sent it across the scales after my previous employer illegally docked my last wage. I was accused of being a dodgy bastard for driving around in an untaxed car because the DVLA wrongly sent me a refund. The beginning of the end of my long-term posting on here. 

It wasn't a bad few days. 

+1 on the complete and utter gibberish spouted about hydropneumatic Citroens and their supposed speed. Why can't people just enjoy what they have without spouting Niagara Falls'-worth of nonsensical bollocks as to the dynamic abilities of their cars? 

The F forums were like that too; apparently a 'well driven'* VVC can see off a Boxster 3.2S**. 

[TheXUDfiles]

8 minutes ago, alcyonecorporation said:

I jumped up and down on that Xantia, siphoned all the fuel out of it and sent it across the scales after my previous employer illegally docked my last wage. I was accused of being a dodgy bastard for driving around in an untaxed car because the DVLA wrongly sent me a refund. The beginning of the end of my long-term posting on here. 

It wasn't a bad few days. 

+1 on the complete and utter gibberish spouted about hydropneumatic Citroens and their supposed speed. Why can't people just enjoy what they have without spouting Niagara Falls'-worth of nonsensical bollocks as to the dynamic abilities of their cars? 

The F forums were like that too; apparently a 'well driven'* VVC can see off a Boxster 3.2S**. 

Not to mention the wrestling match you had with that car trying to get the wheels off.

And if you want to talk about nonsensical bollocks, the 800 people can fall foul of that trap. It does not matter what you have, you can't talk a car into being better than it actually is.

[Snipes]

Those 605s are damn sexy machines. I think back in their day they were a touch conservative in their styling but it has aged extremely well.

[alcyonecorporation]

Yes, and don't forget, if you buy one with a dented door it's 'finished' and only good for being an engine donor, according to random wankers who accost you on the street. 

[georgeinabz]

Those 605s are damn sexy machines. I think back in their day they were a touch conservative in their styling but it has aged extremely well.

It wasn’t that they were conservative,I’m sure the first 605’s were Swiss built , it was Pug were asking BMW money for them , same reason that finished off the Granada & Senators of this world.


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[alcyonecorporation]

No, they weren't. Dunno who told you that, but they're utterly wrong. 

Mulhouse is near the French and Swiss borders, but it ain't in Switzerland. 

Besides, 605s were built at Sochaux. 

https://www.gettyimages.co.uk/detail/news-photo/phase-de-polissage-sur-une-405-à-lusine-peugeot-le-26-avril-news-photo/967875924?adppopup=true

[Crispian_J_Hotson]

No wonder they wore welding masks, those brake bulbs look extremely bright.

[bramz7]

605s are better than XMs. Sorry. 

 

[TheXUDfiles]

34 minutes ago, alcyonecorporation said:

No, they weren't. Dunno who told you that, but they're utterly wrong. 

Mulhouse is near the French and Swiss borders, but it ain't in Switzerland. 

Besides, 605s were built at Sochaux. 

https://www.gettyimages.co.uk/detail/news-photo/phase-de-polissage-sur-une-405-à-lusine-peugeot-le-26-avril-news-photo/967875924?adppopup=true

Maybe Sean Connery told that person they were a swish car? 

[alcyonecorporation]

3 minutes ago, TheXUDfiles said:

Maybe Sean Connery told that person they were a swish car? 

jesh 

[TheXUDfiles]

Thanks for tuning into the PSA Channel. Update time. 

The V6 605 remains vaguely broken. It still has that air of a car which is on the brink of catastrophic failure, but somehow still feels like it will outlive its owner. I decided to start using it again, and have finally been giving it more attention. It hasn't really done anything since the last MOT, despite this, I still feel like there's loads to do on this beforehand. Oddly, the power steering is better behaved at the moment, but the new ram is still going on. The garage have it next month, or at least they did. I don't think my trusted mechanic will be talking to me for a while (more on that later). Over its "winter slumber" to use the vernacular of a bottom feeder car journalist, the coolant has gone rancid, as if the engine has soiled itself in protest at not being used. The expansion tank now looks like it is filled with something which has leaked out of a corpse that's been decomposing on a motorway verge for six weeks. The V6s have gearbox coolers, and I'm not confident changing the coolant so they will be doing that when they have fun with the ram. Other than the coolant turning into rancid death juice, the car hasn't really suffered. It still smells of coolant which makes think it's OK to drive it until I get it changed. 

In the meantime, I have started to improve the cosmetic aspects of the car in order to restore the E X E C U T I V E   A P P E A L. 

The yellow headlights have always aged this car, and gave the lights that '90s French car "two glow worms in a tea towel" thing for some authentic PSA night time danger. Two Christmases ago I was given a kit to restore headlights, but never really had a use for it until now. 

It took me about four hours to do it and two cups of coffee, but it was worth it:

Funny how something reasonably small can make such a big difference to a car's looks. 

 

Have my efforts improved functionality? I don't know. Haven't driven it in the dark yet. Yes, that foglight is still broken. No excuse really as I have two spare sets, especially during lockdown! 

Another area which always let this thing down was the paint. I've started to learn how to improve car paint during lockdown. The first steps are to take off the flaky, rough lacquer which just made the car look worse than it actually is.

If this was something yuppy like an '80s Merc or 944 I'd make some joke about the car being so Thatcherite it makes its own coke. 

But it isn't. 

It's a car for the adulterous sales rep, who would refer to this as a "bastard of car", who flirts with intent with  the 19-year-old company receptionist, who holds your eye contact for just that little bit too long and is overly familiar with you at the buffet table at conferences.

Peugeot 605. The official car of unironically playing Richard Elliot albums during your commute. Peugeot 605. The official car of paying for lunch with your AMEX, and putting it on the centre of the table so everyone sees it. Peugeot 605. The 1980's embarrassing hangover.

It's still here,  and we're surviving lockdown together. And it probably always will be. Progress on this old barge is slow, but it will get there. 

I took a picture of it at an outing to a National Trust, its first proper outing in over a year, more to prove that the thing has actually been used...

I have a new arrival (the thing that pissed the garage off), and I'll write about tomorrow. Sleep beckons.

Sorry for offering no real content. But I wanted to share this car that I love so much with everyone again.

[loserone]

Cor.  Lovely.

[406V6]

Great to read about the 605. Always a rare car, especially the V6 and now very rare.

Only 37 605s currently registered according to How Many Left, not including SORNs.

In the rear ¾ picture above the 605 looks like a strange combination of 405 and 406 enlarged by 5%.

[TheXUDfiles]

14 hours ago, loserone said:

Cor.  Lovely.

Thank you.

[TheXUDfiles]

4 hours ago, 406V6 said:

Great to read about the 605. Always a rare car, especially the V6 and now very rare.

 

Only 37 605s currently registered according to How Many Left, not including SORNs.

In the rear ¾ picture above the 605 looks like a strange combination of 405 and 406 enlarged by 5%.

 

 

 

Last time I checked 8 were on SORN. Two of these resurfaced on Gumtree some time ago, both too far gone to be used for anything other than parts sadly.

[jon.k]

Your 605 looks lovely. All the talk of luxury peugeots got me thinking, has no-one on here had a 607 yet? 

[chaseracer]

There's a mostly-functional 607 within Scotoshite somewhere. 

[loserone]

You mean the one @davehedgehog31 scrapped?