The problems that drivers of Modern Cars face

[carlo]

I was sitting in the doctor's surgery this morning looking through a copy of 'What Car' from this year, trying hard not to contain my apathy.  I then stumbled across the 'problems' page and found myself reading this selection of readers' problems with increasing incredulity.  Here then, are a selection as written verbatim.  I have not included What Car's fairly predictable replies, but have included a couple of my own, had I been editing the magazine that particular month.

 

First off, here's Anna:

 

We bought a Nissan Qashqai 1.6 dCi Tekna CVT in May 2014. On the drive home, we noticed an issue with the car's cameras which remains to this day.  The camera only works intermittently and is proving very difficult to fix.  The car has been at Nissan's dealerships on seven occasions and has spent more than four months off the road.  We have been in touch with Nissan customer services but there is still no solution.  Apparently we must wait for a part to become available but there is no word on when this will arrive.  What can we do?

 

Carlo says:  Turn your head round you dozy bint and look out the back window.  And sue Nissan for general incompetence.

 

Now here's Mike who has a problem with his Audi:

 

In October 2014, I bought a new Audi SQ5.  After a couple of months of ownership I noticed heavy corrosion on the exhaust box.  I immediately went back to the dealership where the workshop manager had a look.  He wasn't sure what was going on and went to check with a colleague.  Eventually I was told that exhausts were not replaced under warranty and they couldn't do anything to help me.  Is this normal wear and tear?  I'm worries that it's more than cosmetic damage and will leave me with a hefty repair bill.

 

Carlo says:  Just mention "emissions" to 'em Mike, that will get them on the case.

 

Paul's got a pressing problem with his Mitsubishi:

 

Last September I bought a Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV.  The advert's claim a range of 32 miles on battery power but in the recent cold weather I haven't been able to get anywhere near that.  In fact, I can't go farther than 18 miles.  Is this normal?

 

Carlo says:  Paul, you can't save the planet on your own, buy a proper car.

 

Finally Susan has a more alarming situation concerning a dog and a Jaguar:

 

Three days after taking delivery of our new Jaguar XF at the end of last year, we had to make an emergency stop to avoid hitting a dog that had run into the road.  The shock of this was compounded when we discovered the Pedestrian Protection System had deployed.  Our car was towed away and has been in a Jaguar workshop ever since.  We've received a £5000 quote for the repair work.  Seeing as there was no impact, we believe there must be a problem with the system and that we are not responsible for any repair costs.  What can we do?

 

Carlo says:  You probably missed the dog but hit the owner Susan, go back and check the road.  And £5000 is nothing, just wait 'till the warranty runs out.

 

 

There's probably more but my eyes were glazing over by then.  Vive l'Autoshite!

[dollywobbler]

Well done for putting a very amusing spin on ALL MODERNZ R SHIT. Love your responses. Do not so much love the complaints. Rusty exhaust FFS...

[oldcars]

Quality mate, love your replies 

[bub2006]

Great answers! What is pedestrian protection system though? Don't tell me cars now have external airbags!

[dollywobbler]

Great answers! What is pedestrian protection system though? Don't tell me cars now have external airbags!

 

The Citroen C6 had a pop-up bonnet to cushion the impact of a pedestrian. They also cost thousands to repair in the case of a front ender. Terrifying.

[trigger]

These are worrying times.

[oldcars]

Great answers! What is pedestrian protection system though? Don't tell me cars now have external airbags!

I think the car brakes its self or something. Had this the other day on the Reliant. Drums were binding a little i think 

[beko1987]

Can we bait modern cars then by stepping out into the road, and watching as the radar brake kicks fully in and the car disintegrates infront of us, all thats left by the time the car reaches where you are stood is the driver sat in a pile of airbags, and your facing a nice comfy looking inflatable kids slide...

 

Then carry on crossing the road as if nothing happened...

[Squire_Dawson]

Cars aren't cars any more, they're mobile computers-cum-safety capsules.

[bub2006]

I think the car brakes its self or something. Had this the other day on the Reliant. Drums were binding a little i think

I had that on my Robin after hard braking. Made for interesting cornering in the rain.

[scaryoldcortina]

Nice thread idea!

 

Here's one from HJ in the torygraph...

 

My new BMW 435i is covered in a heavy layer of dust due to the demolition of a building next door. What would your advice be about the best way of removing it without damaging the paintwork? It is so bad that I have asked the insurance company to send a claims assessor.

CB, via email

 

This is obviously a serious problem, but driving at 90mph everywhere should sort it out.

[JohnDeere]

HJ's answer to everything is that new cars are only supposed to last eight years. Not that he makes all of the advertising revenue on his website by advertising new cars or anything.

 

HJ also advocates Shell's expensive "premium" petrol at every opportunity (your engine will self-destruct otherwise). I always mean to write in and ask him how much Shell sponsors him to say that...

[anonymous user]

I thought this was going to be about people like me when embarassingly a colleague saw me wondering why I couldn't unlock the door on my white Fiat Panda until they helpfully pointed out that not only was it not my Fiat Panda, but, that I had changed my car for over a year and now drove a white Suzuki Alto. (In my defence I was very tired and thinking about other things at the time)

 

Homer Simpson - everyone should fit a ping-pong ball on their car aerial to easily find their car in a busy car-park

[oldcars]

Can we bait modern cars then by stepping out into the road, and watching as the radar brake kicks fully in and the car disintegrates infront of us, all thats left by the time the car reaches where you are stood is the driver sat in a pile of airbags, and your facing a nice comfy looking inflatable kids slide...

 

Then carry on crossing the road as if nothing happened...

Thanks for this. Just tried it and been skittled. Picked the wrong motor 

[oldcars]

I had that on my Robin after hard braking. Made for interesting cornering in the rain.

Forgot you had a Robin!

[Junkman]

I think the car brakes its self or something. Had this the other day on the Reliant. Drums were binding a little i think 

 

Nah. It's this newfangled thing of the bonnet blown upwards by little explosive devices to cushion the impact for the "I'm a road user, too".

I've heard this the first time in regards to a Datsun Skyline, which left the owner with an 8k repair bill, so I dunno what the Jag bitch is nagging about.

However, this will become commonplace because law brought to you by unelected fascist bureaucrats.

So wait for your insurance premiums to reflect it soon.

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

In October 2014, I bought a new Audi SQ5.  After a couple of months of ownership I noticed heavy corrosion on the exhaust box.  I immediately went back to the dealership where the workshop manager had a look.  He wasn't sure what was going on and went to check with a colleague.  Eventually I was told that exhausts were not replaced under warranty and they couldn't do anything to help me.  Is this normal wear and tear?  I'm worries that it's more than cosmetic damage and will leave me with a hefty repair bill.

 

Why do I get the feeling this guy's definition of "heavy corrosion" differs significantly from ours? 

 

"In October 2040, I won an Audi SQ5 for £5 in an Autoshite Roffle. After a couple of hours of ownership, I noticed heavy corrosion on the exhaust box when it exploded and scattered its innards all over the motorway. I immediately went to a service station where a passing vagrant had a look. He wasn't sure what was going on. Eventually it turned out that a used exhaust cost £10 so I bought nine tubes of EXTREME AUTO exhaust paste from the pound shop and sculpted a new exhaust from that."

[oldcars]

Nah. It's this newfangled thing of the bonnet blown upwards by little explosive devices to cushion the impact for the "I'm a road user, too".

I've heard this the first time in regards to a Datsun Skyline, which left the owner with an 8k repair bill, so I dunno what the Jag bitch is nagging about.

However, this will become commonplace because law brought to you by unelected fascist bureaucrats.

So wait for your insurance premiums to reflect it soon.

Great more shit on new cars. Can i add a whoopie cushion under the reliant bonnet? I could attach a cable tie to the heater cable to activate it, if i skittle a person/ child/ dog etc.

[Lacquer Peel]

 

Probably a bit annoying if you've just spent £45k on a jacked up A4 diesel.

[Fat_Pirate]

Did a bit of research into this XF pedestrian protection system:

 

The important components in determining deployment are left and right PPA (Pedestrian Protection Accelerometers) and the PCS (Pedestrian Contact Sensor) which runs across the front of the vehicle.

The PCS uses a fibre optic loop to detect an impact by measuring the amount of light returned to the fibre optic transceiver. A reduction in light levels occurs when the PCS is deformed by an impact. The PCS monitors
the level of light returned from the loop, if a reduction of a predetermined magnitude is measured a trigger signal will be sent to the Control Module.

[carlo]

Did a bit of research into this XF pedestrian protection system:

 

The important components in determining deployment are left and right PPA (Pedestrian Protection Accelerometers) and the PCS (Pedestrian Contact Sensor) which runs across the front of the vehicle.

The PCS uses a fibre optic loop to detect an impact by measuring the amount of light returned to the fibre optic transceiver. A reduction in light levels occurs when the PCS is deformed by an impact. The PCS monitors

the level of light returned from the loop, if a reduction of a predetermined magnitude is measured a trigger signal will be sent to the Control Module.

 

Alternatively the driver could just look where he's going of course.

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

In the same vein as the pedestrian protection things, have you seen the "battery safety terminal" BMW have been fitting to cars for the past decade or so?

 

 

An impressive amount of added complexity. 

[Junkman]

If Rube Goldberg could see this...

[dollywobbler]

This sort of thing certainly concerns me. I've read about EVs being written off because the safety fuse has blown after a small bump. Nice that the systems are there, but writing an £8000 car off?! What hope have future shiters got? 

 

Perhaps I'd better look after the XM...

[oldcars]

In the same vein as the pedestrian protection things, have you seen the "battery safety terminal" BMW have been fitting to cars for the past decade or so?

 

Battery Safety Terminal BST illustration.jpg

 

An impressive amount of added complexity. 

Sexist. It appears to only work if driving towards Mrs, what about master, miss, ms, mr, dr, prof..............

[Junkman]

This sort of thing certainly concerns me. I've read about EVs being written off because the safety fuse has blown after a small bump. Nice that the systems are there, but writing a new car off?! What hope has the World got? 

 

EFA

 

I bet it's good© for The Environment.

[Bobthebeard]

In the same vein as the pedestrian protection things, have you seen the "battery safety terminal" BMW have been fitting to cars for the past decade or so?

 

Battery Safety Terminal BST illustration.jpg

 

An impressive amount of added complexity.

 

Who is Mrs 3? Seems to be important. Mrs 1 and 2 not mentioned... Divorced presumably.

[mercrocker]

 

Perhaps I'd better look after the XM...

 

Precisely why I spend at least half of the value of my 190E on it each year....No cat, airbags, lecky windows, plipper or funny numberplate with a Z in it.

[BavarianRetro]

I've heard of late Skylines (GT-R?) written off after very slow speed - walking pace - collision because of the Pedestrian Protection System and the cost to repair.

[rml2345]

With the amount of unnecessary, complicated nonsense on new cars I'm not surprised some of it goes wrong. Pedestrian safety airbags and auto collision brakes on cars sound lovely but is it not easier for both parties to look where the fuck they're going?

Reminds me of the bother another shiter (forget who, soz) is having with a passenger seat ECU.

Why the hell does a seat need it's own computer? Does it have to check and adjust comfyness every 5 seconds or something?