Techno Classica Essen 2014 - A shitter's view ! (UPDATED)

[Sigmund Fraud]

Last week, the following conversation took place at Fraud towers :

 

Mrs.F : Dear, what are we doing this weekend ?

Me : How about visiting National Trust's Gifferton House ? "Exquisite victorian mansion, home to Britain's largest collection of tea towels. Stroll through the magnificent palladian gardens, feed the swans and enjoy a £20 cream tea at the tea house."

Mrs.F : Erm... A bit too quaint, don't you think ?

Me : Well... In that case, how about a 850 mile roundtrip to Essen in Germany ? Then we can take pictures of the most horrendous cars on display at Europe's largest classic car show and post them on Autoshite ?

 

 

 

"Süß wie eine nuss !"

 

 

Boxy but good.

 

 

One for Wat.

 

 

One more for Wat.

 

 

Bosch had some rather surreal objects on display...

 

 

...as well as some rather confusing working models of Jetronic systems.

 

 

Le Dandy !!!

 

 

In DKW-maths, 3=6 !

 

 

OMGRATLUK etc.

 

 

Mystery car 1.

 

 

Aaaah... The beautiful french countryside !

 

 

This Guilietta has apparently lived in an airtight, dehumidified container since it was produced in 1984. It was only brought out for the four days of the show, and is expected to be scrapped due to terminal rust at the end of it.

 

 

A proper* Ferrari.

 

 

Not* a Ferrari.

 

 

Marvellously patina'd Facel. Mega-want !

 

 

Where else can you see a restored Facel chassis, complete with original part number tags hanging off components ?

 

 

Stylish* !

 

 

Even more stylish* !

 

 

This was proper shite-spec, including a fabulous tinfoil repair to the door mirror !

[Sigmund Fraud]

 

Alfa 90 !

 

 

You get two pictures of this, because it is BEAUTIFUL !

 

 

One of the few BMW badged vehicles that I would drive without a paper bag over my head.

 

 

Glas !

 

 

I can really see the ebay advert... "Great business opportunity" etc.

 

 

Bigua ! This obscure little thing gets extra shite points as its platform was used in the enormously successful* OMGMGXPOWERLOL.

 

 

What a lovely little thing, this Kadett. You almost want to pet it ! (or, perhaps, I'm just a bit weird).

 

 

Mr.Bo11ox to the beige courtesy phone, please...

 

 

MOAR RATLUK.

[Sigmund Fraud]

 

Not sure what kind of person would have bought one of those back in the day ? Perhaps the dictator of a really small, really poor country ?

 

 

A310 in its natural habitat.

 

 

Munch Mammut !!!

 

 

Welding ? What welding ? Carpentry skills is what you need !

 

 

One for Seth.

 

 

Lloyd !

 

 

I wonder how much petrol was back then...

 

 

Mr.Fraud Sr.'s motorbike days came to a somewhat abrupt end when he rode one of those beasts into a ditch in about 1964.

 

 

Look at that bolster... Pristine ! (yes, I know, I am a very sad individual.)

 

 

Mystery car* 2.

[Lukas]

I don´t attend such shows anymore because of the lack of japanese cars. But I am a wierd person too...

[Junkman]

Mystery car #2 is a Meadows Frisky.

[carlo]

Mystery car 1 is a '58 Beutler Porsche, car 2 a Meadows Frisky I believe.

 

Love those Glas V8s, dream car along with a Fiat 130 Coupe

[chaseracer]

Are those Granada alloys on the Diplomat?

 

Strange...

[Sigmund Fraud]

 

The man in the orange trousers was interested in purchasing this Ami. Somehow, I was not surprised.

 

 

KLEINSCHNITTGER ! ('bless you' is indeed an appropriate answer).

 

 

Automotive perfection !

 

 

The contents of this "Skoda garage" exhibit puzzled me... Did Frank Williams ever own a Skoda dealership ?

 

 

That's what I'm talking about !

 

 

Type 110 !!!

 

 

After five hours of walking through the show, we eventually reached the border.

 

 

Learn how to drive on this wonderful Wartburg simulator, allegedly complete with a two stroke smoke generator.

 

 

Will the plastic pissing dog become the next big thing in the VW scene ?

 

 

Droooooool.

[Junkman]

Are those Granada alloys on the Diplomat?

 

Strange...

 

They are Ronal alloys, which were also used on the MKI Grandad.

[Junkman]

TCE14-31.jpg

 

Not sure what kind of person would have bought one of those back in the day ? Perhaps the dictator of a really small, really poor country ?

 

5.4 Diplo? Bank managers in Frankfurt and pimps.

[Sigmund Fraud]

 

The magnificent Melkus RS ! A limited production, mid-engined supercar, with a spaceframe chassis and a fibreglass body with gullwing doors. But there's a twist to this : it was conceived, designed and built in East Germany and is powered by the legendary Wartburg two-stroke engine !

 

 

Project L, a.k.a. the pre-CX.

 

 

Is a trailer tent too expensive ? Autoshite holiday rentals has the solution !

 

 

Daffodil !

 

 

Variomatic : a simple* and reliable* transmission system.

 

 

This was complete with a background recording of clinging bottles and drunken ramblings... I found it most elegant*.

 

 

Mystery car 3.

 

 

Alfa-Abarth... Allegedly modelled after an ant eater.

 

 

One for Junkman.

 

 

This old horse was fairly rough round the edges and has clearly had loads and loads of people in it over the years. Still, I'm sure that most of us wouldn't mind a ride. ATBNBE.

 

 

[Junkman]

Lanz Bulldog rulz.

[Sigmund Fraud]

 

Home brew !

 

 

WTF ?

 

 

This is one of the ugliest cars I've ever seen... Still would, though.

 

 

Oh, so British ! (best pronounced in your most outrageous continental accent).

 

 

The delights of MoT exemption !

 

 

Erm... What ?

 

 

Much more photogenic from certain angles than others. ATCNBE.

 

 

That's all folks, hope you enjoyed !

[Mr_Bo11ox]

My god its a shite overload. beyond brilliant!!!!! Love the Wartburg simulator, i see it has the bonnet up!!!! Just class. Thank you!!!!

 

I would literally blatter my duds into next week if i saw that Biturbo in the flesh.

[Twiggy]

Brilliant - thank you...

[seth]

Excellent report. I was going to complain about the lack of mannequins but it seems you managed to get a few in shot. 

[mercrocker]

I am breathless, now.   Must get over to that one sometime soon before senile lethargy fully kicks in.   I cannot be  bothered with this kind of shit in Britain but that looks like fun...Great photos too, given the indoor-ness.

[Alexg]

Stunning, thanks times X10000 for sharing mate!

[TagoraSX]

Most excellent.

[rml2345]

Superb report. I bet the swing axle rear end on those old Skodas was a right* laugh.

Who else would like shot on that Wartburg Simulator?

[Sigmund Fraud]

Thanks for the kind words, gentlemen.

 

I've scraped the bottom of the digital barrel and found some more pics for your viewing pleasure :

 

 

Wartburg simulator : the business end !

 

 

The very first Ibiza off the production line. I wonder if people will be putting "100% VAG FREE" stickers on those in a few years ?

 

 

Superb Skoda ! ( not to be confused with the Skoda Superb* !)

 

 

Mini*.

 

 

Trick Porsche parts were as obscenely expensive as you would expect.

 

 

Mercshite : Your rallying is our concern.

 

 

 

 

This must be the first time I've seen one of those displayed with the bonnet down !

 

 

"Baby, do you want to ride in my Audi* ?"

 

 

Sticker at the back read : "Ce prototype Citroen M35 a moteur a piston rotatif est en essai de longue duree entre les mains d'un client Citroen". In other words, the chap driving this is a confirmed masochist, so we gave him the most unreliable car we ever produced to see how many times he will break down on his way to the corner shop.

 

 

VW* K70 ! I just checked HowManyLeft, and there are apparently 15 of them still licenced !!!

 

 

Have loads of money and absolutely no style ? Step right this way, sir...

 

 

Nice to see one that has avoided TTification.

 

 

Bonus shot from the parking.

 

 

 

 

[hairnet]

Are those Granada alloys on the Diplomat?

 

Strange...

ronal made alloys all sorts

[hairnet]

need to go to this at some point

 

fanks

[holbeck]

How did I miss this thread?????

 

Deffo looks like it would be right up my strasse!