Brown as fuck: 2001 BMW X5 3.0 - Exxon5!

[Kiltox]

Private plate wanker

 

 

Really need to get rid of the GB sticker... it had EU flag plates on before so I don’t even know why it’s there!!

[BavarianRetro]

How big a testicular ache is the drivers door latch to replace? My in laws won’t open from outside.

Door handle carrier. About an hour or so. Definitely DIY able. I think it was joint favourite in my "first to fail" sweep for the collection of this fine chariot.

 

Buy Meyle ones only. Not too dear.

[Kiltox]

Thankfully those were done recently so I have about a week before they’ll need doing again

[BavarianRetro]

I've one here just now - not neglected at all - that needed both carriers, drivers side lock barrel, handle, latch and regulator, and both wing mirrors. Getting into it when it arrived was fun.

 

Anyway. Did it all. Built it all back up and now the passenger's door won't open from inside or outside! Bastard. Cable must have come off. Couldn't have been on properly.

 

Strip it all back down which is fun because the door is closed and getting the door card off is entertaining and replace inner handle cable because it doesn't look great, reassemble, checking that it is opening and closing at every stage. No bother. That'll be it.

 

Then I locked it. And while it unlocks, or rather the rod pops up, it doesn't actually unlock and the door won't open from inside or out!

 

Fucking thing. Great. It's getting drenched in graphite oil for Hogmanay and left outside to contemplate its behaviour and we'll see if it's going to show any more respect in 2019.

[Kiltox]

I think it’s mental how some cars never ever have a problem with door catches and locks yet VWs, some BMWs etc are notorious.

[BavarianRetro]

Only the E53 X5 that I'm aware of.

 

The locks in all of the hu92 bladed cars are monkey metal shit and break internally, leaving you unable to get in if the remote won't work and it's deadlocked, but that's about it.

[Kiltox]

Any idea what’s wrong with my rear parking sensors? Loom likely to be knackered?

[BavarianRetro]

You can test them out individually with that wonderful piece of kit Secret Santa sent you.

 

Generally just sensors. Get your lug next to them in turn and replace the one that's not clicking.

[Kiltox]

All 4 rear are open circuit on the diag. All 4 fronts click away merrily.

[BavarianRetro]

Got to be a wiring issue.

 

Out with the multimeter.

 

It is simple iirc, just two wires to each, wired in parallel, so your fault must be the module or the wiring from the module to the sensors?

[Kiltox]

Aye that’s what I suspected. Bumper off and some wiring fun I guess

[Timewaster]

Private plate wanker

 

 

For 1000 extra wanker points you need an illegal space after the S and try to make the S look like a 5

 

Bonus 1000 wanker points for any M badges and an extra 500 if they are wonky.

[sierraman]

I’ve told him it’s a DIY job but he insists on sending it to the garage. It’s a 13 year old BMW not the Ark Royal. The garage he took it to told him it’d be much easier if he went and bought a used door. Easier for who? I haven’t quite figured that out...

 

It’s stories like this that make me realise why it’s much easier to mend it myself.

[Kiltox]

A used door because the handle carrier is broken?!? Jesus.

 

Why do people put up with garages like that?

[BavarianRetro]

Honestly. It's an hour. Maybe two if you've never done one. I'll happily talk you through it.

[sierraman]

No please. I could do it but despite having done most jobs on cars he won’t have us help him on a £3k car. When the next garage cocks it up I’ll ask but I’ve offered and been told it’s ‘a garage job’.

[SierraMikeHotel]

No idea of this is relevant to a BMW or not, but my old Volvo V50 had a fucked control unit for the parking sensors that was merrily killing them. Garage thought the sensors were all broken, replaced them, and the control unit blew the new ones out... Worth checking before replacing the sensors?

[Kiltox]

Exec parking at Gloucester station this morning - clearly not many people going back to work today!

 

[SRi05]

Private plate on this sort of beast does make it look worth ££££££, I reckon most folk would think that's a newish car

[Kiltox]

I dunno, the colour scheme and few dings and scratches aren’t fooling many I don’t think. Not that I’m bothered about such things

[They_all_do_that_sir]

I dunno, the colour scheme and few dings and scratches aren’t fooling many I don’t think. Not that I’m bothered about such things

You'd be surprised. I got plenty of "must be doing well" comments running around in a £700 Merc.

 

Stupid people are stupid

 

Sent from my TA-1012 using Tapatalk

[SRi05]

You'd be surprised. I got plenty of "must be doing well" comments running around in a £700 Merc.

 

Stupid people are stupid

 

Sent from my TA-1012 using Tapatalk

 

 

Yep I've had a few similar comments about my Jag, I'm a high roller though, paid £1500 for mine. Same folk who are paying 3/400 a month on PCP deals

[They_all_do_that_sir]

Yep I've had a few similar comments about my Jag, I'm a high roller though, paid £1500 for mine. Same folk who are paying 3/400 a month on PCP deals

Yeah that's what gets me. Mine cost two payments on some of their euro boxes. When you tell them what you paid they think you are some sort of Mike Brewer.

 

The other side is they feel justified in their comfy warranty when your purchase lies borked on the driveway

 

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[SierraMikeHotel]

 

 

You'd be surprised. I got plenty of "must be doing well" comments running around in a £700 Merc.

I had this conversation with my neighbour recently, except he noticed that I was wrist-deep in my Merc with water dripping up my arm. He's been through the shite mill and now chooses to rent (his word) a new Ford at nearly £300/month so that he doesn't have to worry about it breaking.

 

With two small kids and a shift job that needs a car to commute, I can see the appeal. Kinda nice that he's jealous of my Merc though

[robthedonkey]

Just cheaped out and fitted the GSF one.

 

Not as cheaped out as the last guy - it had a far smaller 011 fitted.

 

Starts a lot faster now and hopefully will behave itself.

 

Parking sensor wiring at the module looks fine so I guess I’m going to need to check the condition of the sensors.

 

NS headlight is troublesome - the sidelight wasn’t working the other day but now is and the dipped beam isn’t working instead....

Park sensors on these... They have a click to them.... In reverse handbrake on stick a screwdriver on sensor and against ear... Should hear a clicking.... The one that doesn't click is dead

 

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[Kiltox]

Park sensors on these... They have a click to them.... In reverse handbrake on stick a screwdriver on sensor and against ear... Should hear a clicking.... The one that doesn't click is dead

Sent from my CLT-L09 using Tapatalk

All four rear don’t click, all four front do.

[robthedonkey]

All four rear don’t click, all four front do.

Wiring from rear bumper through body rubbed through... Was a regular on these when new BMW modded them but never recalled

 

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[Kiltox]

What is the general opinion of these “looks like OE” Android powered head units?

 

Seem to be two offerings for the E53 - one that looks very much like the OEM unit and one that is pretty much just a touchscreen in a surround that would fit in place of the original. Both Android 8.1, decent enough looking spec etc. About £200.

[They_all_do_that_sir]

What is the general opinion of these “looks like OE” Android powered head units?

 

Seem to be two offerings for the E53 - one that looks very much like the OEM unit and one that is pretty much just a touchscreen in a surround that would fit in place of the original. Both Android 8.1, decent enough looking spec etc. About £200.

I'm MEGA tempted by one for the Merc.

 

But I'm reluctant to splash out so much on something that could be pish. The sound quality from the OE stereo is fantastic but it doesn't do all the things I want it to. Whereas the android could have the whistles but sound shite.

 

Halfway house for me seems to be to get a facia adapter and a generic double din android head unit. Not sure if this is an option in the X5, is the stereo din and a half rather than full double din?

 

You can get android head units for less than £30 for a no name Chinese special that might work fine for a few weeks before burning your car down. And I'm suspicious its the same cheap unit in the "looks like OE" units

 

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[BavarianRetro]

Only one worth buying is the Avin, but you can get an X5 cheaper.