Datsuncog's Heaps: Sept 2023 - Another Year's T-Met Exemption Certificate...

[Squire_Dawson]

At least you can't blame yourself for it, as it was entirely the fault of the previous fuckwit owner and his bodges. So don't feel bad about it. Drain that half tank of petrol, take the battery off and anything else of use then tow it to the wreckers. Then buy that Victor F Type.

[Squire_Dawson]

And the lightbulbs. I nearly always forget to take all the bulbs out.

[Datsuncog]

On 4/7/2018 at 12:58 PM, tommytwo said:

In view of my experience, I would guess that the Laguna engine has been neglected, not had fresh regular oil changes and is choked with oil sludge. I would certainly not write the car off at this stage.

That's quite likely... when purchased, I took heart from the fact this car's owner from new was a retired aircraft engineer who seemed to have looked after it - but that was bollocks. It's been bodged seven ways to Sunday and it wouldn't surprise me at all if he'd never changed the oil.

It'd had a recent cambelt change, but I suppose the answer to 'what kind of person changes the cambelt and not the oil' is the same one as 'what kind of person files a wheelbolt down rather than taps a damaged hole'...

It's a bag of bodge, sadly. The annoying thing is I've had oil and filter in the boot for over a month, waiting for a day it wasn't raining or freezing cold - and now the weather's turned it's a little too late...

 

On 4/7/2018 at 1:48 PM, egg said:

I'm the last person on here to give useful technical advice, but could oil pump failure be involved?

Man, I wouldn't be surprised if everything's failed...

 

On 4/7/2018 at 2:04 PM, Hooli said:

I agree with the run it for a 5mins to see if the tappets fill up etc, it always takes a while as they have tiny feed holes.

Ran it for three minutes and although the knocking seemed to decrease a little, water started pissing out of the heater hoses and wouldn't stop. It seems that the coolant, jealous of the oil's new-found freedom, has made a dash for it too.  At that point, the tappets lost their relevance rather...

 

On 4/7/2018 at 3:15 PM, jbz2079 said:

Ohh deary deary dear that's broken, hydraulic tappets don't usually make that sort of noise.

That is one singular thing inside the cam area that is broken and being slapped around, like a broken cam finger.

A look under the cam cover won't hurt there might be an easy fix but knowing what happened I would not place any chips on fixing it.

Still it would be nice to know what is broken.

Hoping to take a good look tomorrow - I just couldn't face it tonight... but I reckon you're right. It was a sharp knock rather than just a general clatter.

 

On 4/7/2018 at 4:55 PM, beko1987 said:

Could send it round the oval and toast it goodbye?

As far as I'm aware, ovallers hate French cars - I'm told Lagunas and 405s are 'too soft'. Can anyone confirm or deny?

 

On 4/7/2018 at 5:04 PM, Parky said:

Or leave it somewhere REALLY dodgy.

"Sorry to hear your car got stolen and burned out Datsuncog"

"Shhhhh, it's not happening until later!"

I think an aquaintance of Mrs DC's mother tried that once with a duff Escort, around the time scrap metal prices were on their arse and cars cost money to be scrapped. Left it in a rough estate with the keys 'dropped' convieniently close by...

 

A week later, it was still there.

 

On 4/7/2018 at 5:06 PM, Pillock said:

Commiserations Datsun. Perhaps if it was just the oil thing, maybe..... But this little shit clearly doesn't want to get fixed, it's like a petulant toddler where you eventually get one shoe on which is kicked off whilst you put the other one.

The answer? The big claw machine at the scrapyard.

Yes, I think it's grown tired of this 'being a car' business, and wants to run away to China and become a fridge. Well, it's about to get its wish granted.

 

On 4/7/2018 at 6:21 PM, scdan4 said:

That sounds awful.

But the oil seems to be staying in.

You said it had tax and test till the end of the month. I think I’d just bodge it with hosepipe and jubblys( and it’s now spring so it won’t need a heater, which might make it easier), and see if it lasts the month.

Low coolant will make bad noises louder...

MOT'd to the end of November, impressively... tax is via DD, so no point cancelling until the end of the month. In a way, I'm tempted to see if it could last the month, in the interests of science... but I don't think the RAC would be impressed if another call comes in that all the oil's come out again...

 

On 4/7/2018 at 7:05 PM, They_all_do_that_sir said:

More than welcome, however consumption of wine has already begun this evening.

If I had to stab in the dark I would suggest checking fuses / relays....battery has enough umph (tried jumping it?).....100% it's not immobiliser related?

Do these have a TDC sensor? And if so is it the same part in both cars?

Hey, cheers for that - but nothing's likely to be happening for a wee while yet! Tomorrow I'll try some basic checks on KAZ while removing all the detritus that's accumulated over the past while, and let you know how I'm progressing.

The battery was actually only a month old when I took her off the road - but I've swapped both batteries around several times with no joy. Immobiliser... well, let's hope not. It doesn't sound like it - this one will allow the car to start and then cuts it after a few seconds, this time I'm getting nothing at all. I know R9UKE ended up having to bridge a very clean Laguna 1 a coupla years back because of insoluble immobiliser issues, so let's hope it's not that!

Sometimes another pair of eyes is useful, if only to say helpful things like "shouldn't that battery be connected?"

 

On 4/7/2018 at 7:31 PM, mrbenn said:

Bumhats. Don't suppose the oil cap gunk could be residual from recent short trips?

Possibly an overall accumulation, but it had done about 80 miles on Monday, mostly motorway, at the point it fell over... and it's all fresh oil from last night's change, which raises my suspicion levels further...

[Datsuncog]

On 4/7/2018 at 7:55 PM, The Reverend Bluejeans said:

How much on the scales for two non working Lagunas?

That is is utterly fucked. That will go bang quite spectacularly if driven. It's done its 20 odd years, time to recycle it. The other one as well?

Harsh maybe but the UK is full of decent working cars that are next to worthless. I was at Charles Trents today in Rugby and a bloke drove in with a red S reg Pug 406. Nothing wrong with it, just getting rid. It made me realise (again) that worthless problem cars should just be bridged. 

Well, indeed... I'm kinda fond of KAZ, and wouldn't want to let her go without performing some basic checks as to the non-starting - but she was headed for the bridge in 2014 when I took her on, so I guess that's been four more years. But yeah, life's too short to spend serious time and effort on cars which are borderline at best. Neither of these are cherished or even clean examples. Sometimes you gotta turn the page.

 

On 4/7/2018 at 8:40 PM, Squire_Dawson said:

At least you can't blame yourself for it, as it was entirely the fault of the previous fuckwit owner and his bodges. So don't feel bad about it. Drain that half tank of petrol, take the battery off and anything else of use then tow it to the wreckers. Then buy that Victor F Type.

Sounds like a plan!

Though I wish it were an FD, kinda.

Whatever turns up next will be cheap and probably not very cheerful... but I guess there's still comedy mileage to be had from anything...

[Parky]

I suppose the big question now is how was the cake, and are you pissed yet??

[Datsuncog]

^^^ Cake was awesome! Pistachio and rosewater... and, despite digging out a bottle of middling rioja to drown my sorrows, I actually don't feel much like it and it remains unopened... but hey ho. Tomorrow's another day, and all that!

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

 

 

Though I wish it were an FD, kinda.

 

 

 

 

The FD is the Victor of champions. 2000SL in white with red vinyl. 

[Parky]

^^^ Cake was awesome! Pistachio and rosewater... and, despite digging out a bottle of middling rioja to drown my sorrows, I actually don't feel much like it and it remains unopened... but hey ho. Tomorrow's another day, and all that!

That sounds nice. I've been more traditional and had a pink Fondant Fancy. I know it's not car related but you are probably fed up with broken Laguna tales.

 

See this? Change the "S" to an "F". That's you that is

[Guest Hooli]

The thing about cake is it lasts longer than a goona.

[tommytwo]

Datsuncog, My worst car buy was from an air force pilot, a 70's Rover 2000 TC. The crankshaft had over a half inch of sideways play in it and the inner sills were rotted out. Drove well though. Every time I called the pilot  at work, he was always in the Officers Mess. My theory now is that people in the AIr Force spend so much on drink that it soaks up all their income so they cant afford to spend money on maintaining a car. Its highly likely that the laguna engine oil and filter were never changed.

 

So I have never again been tempted to buy a car from anyone who has any connection to aviation. I used to fly a lot as a private pilot. One day, I sought advice because during my ground checks, I discovered that the airplane engine had a serious oil leak and the fuel gauges did not work. I was told not to worry about the oil leaking, only if it stopped leaking. Because by then, all the oil would have drained out. With regard to fuel, I was told that as long as the fuel was above the tabs, it was good for at least  an hours flying.True story!.

 

As far as I am concerned, the only time you can have too much fuel on board is when the plane is on fire!

[Guest Hooli]

Working fuel gauges aren't even required for commerical flying, hence this happened - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gimli_Glider

[Split_Pin]

Dont be put off getting the KAZ Laguna running or at least trying to, I think we (nearly) all persevere with hope at some point, regardless of value.

 

My old Corsa became hugely unreliable around 2016 after years of faultless service, which culminated in the small end deciding to cash in its chips.

 

A fair few said to just bin it but I bloody mindedly hired a van, went and picked up a cheap surplus engine from a stock car builder, bought an engine hoist enlisted help, spent the next 9 months on and off changing it, sold the hoist and went for my first run up the street last week. Im not out the woods yet, but what I guess I am saying is if you like a car, its worth giving things a good go.

 

Having said that, it does sound like closing time for TAZ.

[Datsuncog]

On 4/7/2018 at 10:31 PM, The Reverend Bluejeans said:

The FD is the Victor of champions. 2000SL in white with red vinyl. 

I've always had a bit of a thing for them... some are more practical than others, granted.

[Datsuncog]

On 4/7/2018 at 11:15 PM, tommytwo said:

My theory now is that people in the AIr Force spend so much on drink that it soaks up all their income so they cant afford to spend money on maintaining a car. Its highly likely that the laguna engine oil and filter were never changed.

So I have never again been tempted to buy a car from anyone who has any connection to aviation.

That sounds like the voice of bitter experience, truly... this guy had an unbelievable engineering set-up in his double garage, with hydraulic presses, metal turning lathes and shotblasting cabinets, together with photos of aircraft he'd worked on (mostly Shorts Skyvans). I thought this was an indication of competence and fastidiousness when it came to maintenance.

Lesson learned. I should have listened more when he said he was about to scrap it, but thought to give it a chance on Autotrader. And why he wrote 'SOLD AS SEEN' in big letters at the bottom of the bill of sale.

Still, TAZ was a £300 shitter that served me as a WBOD through 2017/18, and never failed to start other than that one time Mrs DC left the maplight on overnight.

All things considered, I can't honestly bitch about it too much!

[Datsuncog]

On 4/7/2018 at 11:29 PM, Split_Pin said:

Dont be put off getting the KAZ Laguna running or at least trying to, I think we (nearly) all persevere with hope at some point, regardless of value.

My old Corsa became hugely unreliable around 2016 after years of faultless service, which culminated in the small end deciding to cash in its chips.

A fair few said to just bin it but I bloody mindedly hired a van, went and picked up a cheap surplus engine from a stock car builder, bought an engine hoist enlisted help, spent the next 9 months on and off changing it, sold the hoist and went for my first run up the street last week. Im not out the woods yet, but what I guess I am saying is if you like a car, its worth giving things a good go.

Having said that, it does sound like closing time for TAZ.

Yeah, I've no doubt that in a few years time I'll be looking at pictures of TAZ and think, fuck, I can't believe I went and scrapped that.

But it's every excuse in the book - no storage, no shelter, no skills, no money, no time to work on it. 320Touring and others have demonstrated that there are no end of sub-£400 Mk1 Lagunas still cluttering up the small-ads, so it only makes sense to put the effort in if there's a particuar emotional attachment and if there's suitable location and tools to do the necessary work. I think that's where this one falls down.

I really don't trust TAZ now, Mrs DC has made her entirely understandable feelings known too, so I'd only be putting the work in to sell it on Bumtree for £170 to someone who wants to cart ladders around until the MOT expires. Not a good use of time or resources.

Going out shortly to clear the rubbish out of KAZ and see if there's any life in her, using the checkpoints outlined by Mr TADTS above.

Updates to follow!

[DVee8]

How about

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Renault-Laguna-1-9dCi-sr-a-c-1999MY-Sport/332586731977?hash=item4d6fb6c9c9:g:CcEAAOSwk6laql-C

 

[Datsuncog]

^^^ Cor, that does look quite nice - and Burnley's not that much of an arse to get to... I used to hate the estate, but the odd hermit-crab look of the back end now kinda appeals...

Will be having a sit-down chat with my Finance Director later (Mrs DC) to discuss our potential options going forward. The Subaru Forester proposal surprised me rather, but if KAZ proves to be beyond my skillset (not hard, sadly) then I mightn't be averse to sacking off French chod for a bit and trying something a little different...

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

Don't forget to cut the catalyst(s) off first if it is/they're being collected. 

[Parky]

Can you rig up a gravity feed fuel supply to KAZ in case you do have a problem with a fuel line blockage? If she starts and runs ok on a bottle of Panda cola (obv drink the cola first) then at least you'll be able to isolate where the problem is.

 

Could be a fuel pump issue, in which case you might need to get another. If only someone had a Laguna with a fecked engine you could get a pump from...

 

There is definitely a one good car out of two option here. Then scrap TAZ (keep the wheels too) and put the £50 scrap money or whatever in a jar marked "Forester"

 

Space on the drive, a liability gone, and a future shite plan. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Or.....

 

Here's a 54000 mile peachy one

 

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Renault-Laguna-1-6-16v-sr-a-c-1999MY-Alize-Cheapest-Around-For-Mileage/273059651290?hash=item3f939f9eda:g:1QEAAOSwImRafdhk

[Datsuncog]

Well, okay. Here's news.

Ignoring TAZ completely today (and the large patch of spilled oil and coolant hastily covered over with sand), out I went to pay some extremely belated attention to KAZ. First of all, bags of rubbish, random spares and old carpet underlay OUT.

I also found the brand-new 11mm brake spanner that I tore the place apart trying to find last month, when giving AdamMcC of this parish a hand with his Cortina Mk3.

Inside, she is stinking of mould.

And squelchy. Come on in, the water's dreadful.

 

Much huffing and puffing á la World's Strongest Man saw me managing to free off the seized rear drums, caused by leaving the handbrake on. Because I'm stupid. I then shoved it forward a foot or so, to allow me to open the boot for the first time in nearly a year.

Then I realised the mechanism seems to be jammed, and the bootlid catch won't close again. Ah well - not the worst problem facing me, by a long shot. That's what bungee cords are for, right?

Partly due to the TADTS factor of leaking rear door seals (TAZ had been drilled here to allow rainwater to drain away, not accumulate and seep inside - I need to do the same here)., and partly due to me having left the rear window open, probably sometime in December while attempting to 'dry it out' on a not-rainy day. Grand job, buddy.

Even the discount store dehumidifier has gone mouldy.

Cat then arrived to help*.

So, with the soggy interior drying out a bit, I turned my attention to under the bonnet. Helpful bystanders had suggested fuelling issues, but trying a few blasts of Easy Start went nowhere. Yesterday's HT lead tester attempt had, however, shown that there appeared to be no spark getting to the plugs.

First up, lets have a look at the distributor cap, eh?

Ah.

Oh.

Well, that seems to be the first couple of things to replace then... I can't see this making for Super Happy Fun Starting.

EuroCarPrats/CarParts4Less don't have any dizzy bits (it's the Ducellier ignition on this car, not Valeo). Ebay searching reveals a dizzy cap for a tenner delivered, but no rotor arm. No rotor arm AT ALL, anywhere, for this model (1783cc, 8v, single-point injection, 95HP/70kw).

I shall continue my search. But maybe KAZ will indeed start, in time...?

I did find, unexpectedly, a battery mount nut in the boot - you may recall that one of these went missing from TAZ during the flat battery fun and games with Next Door's Cousin back in December or so, and I was forced to rob one from KAZ. Well, KAZ's battery is now securely in place.

Maybe that's the first bit to go right...

[alcyonecorporation]

How about

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Renault-Laguna-1-9dCi-sr-a-c-1999MY-Sport/332586731977?hash=item4d6fb6c9c9:g:CcEAAOSwk6laql-C

 

Er.........it's a DCi.

 

Norfolk (and way).

 

 

Mine was a DTi and most excellent for the money; sadly it ended its life as a crack den and is probably on the slow boat to China by now.

 

FWIW, I think Mk I Lagunas are underrated.

[beko1987]

Rub the contacts with something vaguely abrasive and give it a go?

[Felly Magic]

The FD is the Victor of champions. 2000SL in white with red vinyl. 

 

Geoff Randall spec?

[Datsuncog]

Rub the contacts with something vaguely abrasive and give it a go?

The little carbon spud in the centre of the cap appears to have completely disintegrated - there's literally nothing there to make any contact with the rotor arm! That would explain a lot.

[DVee8]

How about this one then, A 1952 model

https://www.carandclassic.co.uk/car/C967534

 

[Dirk Diggler]

Not too far away, looks clean

 

https://touch.adverts.ie/car/renault/laguna/2001-renault-laguna-mk1/14945205

[beko1987]

The little carbon spud in the centre of the cap appears to have completely disintegrated - there's literally nothing there to make any contact with the rotor arm! That would explain a lot.

Ah yea, that sounds like a thing! Dizzy from the other one? Tin foil?

[Datsuncog]

On 4/8/2018 at 4:00 PM, DVee8 said:

How about this one then, A 1952 model

https://www.carandclassic.co.uk/car/C967534

Oh yes. Oh very yes. This.

I was half-hoping, half-afraid, that KEG might still be up for sale... and I do like this Phase One estate a lot. Can't remember if it cropped up on this thread last year, or on the Ebay Tat thread, but this certainly has something going for it.

Although it's not as fully bASe as KAZ - looks like this one has a drivers' airbag, a sunroof and a centre console - it has the same interior trim and is the same colour, plus black bumpers ftw.

Buyer sounds slightly odd, and I'm not sure what's up with the 1952 conceit insisted on throughout (DVLA says Jan 1998, same as TAZ), but if KAZ cannot or will not start once the ignition components are arrived and fitted... I think this might be well worth considering.

And it's in Merseyside, so not too far from the Birkenhead-Belfast ferry...

As a final point of trivia, its R36KEG plate isn't a million miles from the beige Cortina that John Cleese owned in the film Clockwise - KEG74W.

Food for thought, for sure...

[Guest Hooli]

I see the problem, the cat should be in the exhaust not the driver's seat.

[Datsuncog]

On 4/8/2018 at 5:28 PM, Dirk Diggler said:

Not too far away, looks clean

https://touch.adverts.ie/car/renault/laguna/2001-renault-laguna-mk1/14945205

Phoar, that's top value, at potentially a good chunk less than 200 of your Euroquids!

Not far away at all - I'm wondering how much of a ball-ache the import/re-registration process would be to the North (a friend once spent an inordinate amount of time and money getting his Rover 25 re-registered when he moved from Belfast to Galway, only for it to suffer HGF shortly after).

Nearly 285,000km in a 1.6 too - hero.