Shiteometer (Alfa 33 version)

[Sloth in a bowl]

As we all know autoshiteness is like porn, you can not define it but you know it when you see it. However in the interest of fun and the fact that I can't get this stupid idea out of my head I have decided to write a simple shitometer for answering the question of 'How shite is that?'.

 

The questions

 

1. How old is the car

under 5 years: -1points

5 to 10 years: 0 points

11 to 30 years: 1 point

31 to 40 years: 0 points

over 40 years: -1 point

 

2. Where was it made

Made in Germany: -1 point

Made in Eastern Europe (includes DDR): 1 point

Made in Asia (excluding Japan): 1 point

 

3. Brand (count all that apply)

The brand does not currently sell in the UK: 1 point

The brand never officially sold in the UK: 1 point

The brand has never won a international sporting event (and no Kia the Andros Ice Trophy does not count): 1 point

The brand has 'scene tax': -1 point

 

4: Price (count all that apply)

Value under £1000 with 100,000 miles and an MOT: 1 point

Value under £1000 with 50,000 miles and full service history: 1 point

Value going up: -1 points

 

5: Quality (count all that apply)

Was rusty when it left the factory: 1 point

Has at least 3 things wrong (and I mean something more than a failed dash light unless its the speedo and you commute in the dark): 1 point

Has at least 6 things wrong: 1 point

Passed its last MOT with no fails: -1 point

Has never passed an MOT first time: 1 point

 

6: I know shiteness when I see it

Not really shite: 0 points

That's shite 1 point

It must be mine!!!: 2 points

 

7: Bonus section (count all that apply)

Bought from a front garden (probably with a flat tyre): 1 point

Bought on ebay while drunk: 1 point

Pushed (by hand or a smoking Cortina) through a car auction: 1 point

The wife/girlfriend hates it 1 point

 

Now you have a basic score then the final quality of shiteness is measured against the Wartburg scale

 

The Wartburg scale

0 or less points: not shite

1 to 3 points: a bit shite

4 to 5 points: autoshite

6 to 7 points: seriously autoshite

8 points+: autoshite gold

 

I now open the floor for people to measure up their own cars and get into a flame war about how the system is unfair as their Citroen is less shite than their mate's MG. Any suggestions to improve the questions and scale will be considered.

 

 

 

 

[saucedoctor]

Very well thought out V40!

 

My Rover gets 2 points.

[Wilko220]

Surely made in the UK should get some points!

[catsinthewelder]

Lets try this

 

 

1. How old is the car

11 to 30 years: 1 point

 

The brand has 'scene tax': -1 point

 

4: Price (count all that apply)

Value under £1000 with 100,000 miles and an MOT: 1 point

 

Value going up: -1 points

 

5: Quality (count all that apply)

 

Has at least 3 things wrong  1 point

 

 

6: I know shiteness when I see it

 

 

It must be mine!!!: 2 points

 

 

The Wartburg scale

 

1 to 3 points: a bit shite

[Partridge]

My cars

 

Polo: A bit shite. (meh)

 

Xsara: Autoshite (yay)

 

E-Class: Seriously Autoshite. (woo!)

[Sloth in a bowl]

 

Lets try this

 

bike rack.JPG

 

1. How old is the car

11 to 30 years: 1 point

 

The brand has 'scene tax': -1 point

 

4: Price (count all that apply)

Value under £1000 with 100,000 miles and an MOT: 1 point

 

Value going up: -1 points

 

5: Quality (count all that apply)

 

Has at least 3 things wrong  1 point

 

 

6: I know shiteness when I see it

 

 

It must be mine!!!: 2 points

 

 

The Wartburg scale

 

1 to 3 points: a bit shite

 

 

I would judge that the only Citroen with scene tax is a 2CV, so you should add an extra point and consider that BX as Autoshite on the Wartburg scale.

[phil_lihp]

The 220 did well.

 

1. How old is the car

11 to 30 years: 1 point

 

2. Where was it made

UK - 0

 

3. Brand (count all that apply)

The brand does not currently sell in the UK: 1 point

The brand has never won a international sporting event (and no Kia the Andros Ice Trophy does not count): 1 point

 

4: Price (count all that apply)

Value under £1000 with 100,000 miles and an MOT: 1 point

 

5: Quality (count all that apply)

Has at least 3 things wrong (and I mean something more than a failed dash light unless its the speedo and you commute in the dark): 1 point

 

6: I know shiteness when I see it

It must be mine!!!: 2 points

 

7: Bonus section (count all that apply)

The wife/girlfriend hates it 1 point

 

The Wartburg scale

 

8 points+: autoshite gold

[dieselnutjob]

the 604:-

 

The questions

 

1. How old is the car

31 to 40 years: 0 points

 

2. Where was it made

France: 0 points

 

3. Brand (count all that apply)

0 points

 

4: Price (count all that apply)

0 points

 

5: Quality (count all that apply)

Has at least 3 things wrong (and I mean something more than a failed dash light unless its the speedo and you commute in the dark): 1 point

Has at least 6 things wrong: 1 point

Has never passed an MOT first time: 1 point

 

6: I know shiteness when I see it

It must be mine!!!: 2 points

 

7: Bonus section (count all that apply)

The wife/girlfriend hates it 1 point

 

Now you have a basic score then the final quality of shiteness is measured against the Wartburg scale

 

score: 6 points: seriously autoshite

[Lord Sterling]

The Sterling falls into the 'autoshite' category at 5 points.

 

 

 

1. How old is the car

 

11 to 30 years: 1 point

 

 

 

2. Where was it made

 

UK - 0 points

 

 

 

3. Brand (count all that apply)

 

The brand does not currently sell in the UK: 1 point

 

 

 

 

4: Price (count all that apply)

 

Value under £1000 with 100,000 miles and an MOT: 1 point

 

 

 

5: Quality (count all that apply)

 

Has at least 3 things wrong (and I mean something more than a failed dash light unless its the speedo and you commute in the dark): 1 point

 

 

 

6: I know shiteness when I see it.

 

That's Shite: 1 point

 

 

 

7: Bonus section (count all that apply)

 

0 points

 

 

 

The Wartburg scale

 

5 points: 'autoshite'

[eddyramrod]

Well let's see how my "new" Volvo fares...

1: age.  1 point.

2: origin.  0 points.

3: brand. 0 points.

4: price. 1 point.

5: quality. 0 points.  It does have at least 6 things wrong, but passed the last MoT with no fails apparently, thus cancelling out the 6 things.

6: shiteness.  2 points, it absolutely had to be mine!

7: bonus. 1 point (wife).

 

Total of 5 there.  Autoshite.  Well I knew that already!

[worldofceri]

I find this thread pointless and trivial, yet I couldn't resist having a go.

 

'72 VW Beetle:  0 points (not shite).  (Minus points for being too old, German, scene taxed and appreciating!)

 

'99 Volvo S40:  5 points (Autoshite).

[catsinthewelder]

Lets try her car

 

The questions

 

1. How old is the car

 

over 40 years: -1 point

 

2. Where was it made

 

0 point

 

3. Brand (count all that apply)

 

The brand does not currently sell in the UK: 1 point

 

4: Price (count all that apply)

 

Value under £1000 with 100,000 miles and an MOT: 1 point

 

5: Quality (count all that apply)

Was rusty when it left the factory: 1 point

Has at least 3 things wrong (and I mean something more than a failed dash light unless its the speedo and you commute in the dark): 1 point

Has at least 6 things wrong: 1 point

 

6: I know shiteness when I see it

 

It must be mine!!!: 2 points

 

7: Bonus section (count all that apply)

 

Bought on ebay while drunk: 1 point

 

Now you have a basic score then the final quality of shiteness is measured against the Wartburg scale

 

The Wartburg scale

 7 points: seriously autoshite

[Sloth in a bowl]

I find this thread pointless and trivial, yet I couldn't resist having a go.

 

 

That's exactly the attitude I was aiming for when I started this thread.