AS in the community: Cannock Motor Auctions

[Junkman]

Kinell...

 

http://classiccars.brightwells.com/viewdetails.php?id=4847

 

3 Months to get 90 bags together just to be outbid by 100 odd quid or so...

[Pillock]

What that needs is a doddery old geezer trying to get a load of Burger-scoffers bidding up to £700 whilst not actually knowing what it is.

[chaseracer]

Game sheets tweaked and printed.  We are ON, gentlemen...

[Lord Sterling]

BACK IN THE GAME. On a rare occasion, Mahmouds mechanic actually finished my car on the same day. Spheres: SORTED, bouncyness: ELIMINATED. Crusty wing: Still on

 

Nae Bothar, at least it's actually bloody comfortable to travel in now.

 

See you tomorrow at 9:00am...

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

Game sheets tweaked and printed. We are ON, gentlemen...

Did you print one for me? I forgot to post that I was coming.

[chaseracer]

Did you print one for me? I forgot to post that I was coming.

 

Of course!

 

[Pillock]

I appear to be just getting out of bed. Might be at the food emporium, might just meet you all there. See how well the MG goes in a hurry

[Pillock]

I didn't win. There's a surprise. I didn't come last though I don't think!

 

Highlights for me were the Clio on Land Rover springs with at least three fists* worth of arch gap, the Vectra with no clutch that came in and out on the starter motor, and a ten year old Picanto that had been giffer-parked against (within) a brick wall, that failed to meet the £2000 reserve.....

 

 

* The de-facto standard for measuring arch gaps.

[Sloth in a bowl]

A proper report of today's events is required folks.

[Junkman]

The Junkman-fixed Highdatsu made it there and back without any untoward drama.

The game is a different story. I think I failed miserably this time.

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

A proper report of today's events is required folks.

Highlights:

 

Cannock 6th December 2014 by cdconelrad, on Flickr

 

Cannock 6th December 2014 by cdconelrad, on Flickr

[Sloth in a bowl]

Merc owned by Lord Stirling

MGF owned by Pillock with Master Pillock

Dihatsu owned by Junkman with Conelrad

205 owned by Chaseracer

BX owned by FPB7

Volvo owned by Old Bloke Next Door

 

Is that right?

 

Which means that Old bloke next door is the latest initiate into the Cannock Auction meetings.

[dugong]

STOP HAVING THESE WHEN I'M ILL (sulks).

 

When's the next one?

[Pillock]

I don't think we can do a proper report as I think everyone went home with their own sheets. I didn't win thanks to overlooking a 3.0 V6 Laguna for the 2.4+ category, and insanely choosing a 54 reg X-Trail which went for three times as much.

[dugong]

Is there one of these next week?

[Pillock]

There's an auction next week, but unless there was a secret don't-invite-pillock meeting at the cafe afterwards, we won't be there. Generally every four weeks seems to be a theme but nothing get planned until the first person breaks silence and suggests it a week before or so.

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

I think Chaseracer has the sheets. He has mine, at least. 

 

I think FPB7 might have won, his total was something in the 2,400 range. 

[Junkman]

I handed over my sheet, too.

 

Can't have won, because the scruffy Laguna was bid higher than the orderly S-Type, the tattiest, oldest, rattle canned Clio turned out to be the most expensive of the bunch, that Hiace wreck and the shonky Arse-Class Merc with the shit brown interior being bid into Neverland, and my ranker not making it onto the auction block, thus bestowing me with the maximum penalty in this category.

 

What do I know about cars?

[Pillock]

Must have mine too, I did scribble my name on it in case someone wanted to take it and do all the maths - but then I didn't remember handing it over to anyone.

If there's a sheet with no name, but the Hiace as the van that'll be the little one's. My total broke £4k I believe, even with the -£50 Petrol Taxi bonus.

 

What did strike me as odd this week is that with fewer people in the shed - sorry, executive auction house - it was fairly obvious that either the auctioneer is some sort of Derek Acorah-style medium and he regularly communicates with people we can't see, mainly by allowing them to bid on motors; or the auctioneer is bent as fuck. I honestly thought I'd bid by scratching my nose this week, he looked me square in the eye and took a bid of £500-odd on a Vectra. WTF? I panicked, and then figured he couldn't make me pay anyway. Then he did it again. And this time I had my hands wedged in my pockets as I really don't want a fucked Vectra. Checked behind me, there was the corner of the shed and nobody stood there. The only person next to me was Small_Pillock_Replica who knows not to wave his arms around and get us going home in a fucked Vectra.

[cobblers]

Aye, my grandad got banned from Bawtry auctions in the late 70s for thumping the auctioneer after he took about £300 worth of bids off an empty chair for a jag my grandad was after.

[chaseracer]

I have the sheets.  Halfway through doing the report last night the laptop ran out of electric and I had an attack of CBA when considering whether to start again.

 

Back from Brum now.  On it...

[Lord Sterling]

Brilliant day, brilliant people. Some laughable cars going through auction hall as is often the case. But goodness knkws why I ordered 4 pieces of toast with my beans. Even the cashier looked confused.

 

Some very strange things happened twice of note. The auction hall almost cleared out twice during the proceedings, there wasn't the usual flow. The auctioneer made me laugh, he didn't know what some of the cars were/made a mistake/fluffed the details. After buying a DEATHburger I came back to a load of bored looking Autoshitists, reason being there seemed to be a wank fest of TDi VWs going through all selling at £1.5k/£2k, there must have been 4/5 Passats all on the trot attracting bidders like flies to shit.

 

Got to test drive a Volvo and a BX. Thank you guys for letting me have a go!

 

Can't wait for the next one.

[Junkman]

But all of that VAG tosh sold for more than even that tidy looking S-Class, I noticed.

One of them miserable Golf pieces of shit went for 4 (FOUR!) times worth of Jaguar S-Type!

I have no idea what's wrong with those poeple and I gave up trying to understand it.

 

OK, I mustard mitt that even I wasn't too impressed with the Jag's chrome plated toilet seat with some chicken wire in it.

[chaseracer]

OK; finally, the results of yesterday's AS Midlands Massiv auction-bothering.  

 

As noted, there were fewer cars and fewer punters - which meant we stood out a bit more than usual.  I thought we'd been rumbled by one of the 'executive assistants' when I handed out the game sheets but luckily Baron von Schterling was on the ball and spouted some explanatory bollocks which kept HivizBoy happy  <_>

 

For no reason other than variety, the categories received a half-arsed Morris Ital-stylee facelift courtesy of CRDesign.  You will note that one had to be scrapped immediately, as the only vaguely matching car was a retail-red 318Ci.  Some trophy...

 

Car 1: Shopping Trolley - must have an engine capacity of 1.2litre or less

Car 2: End-of-Life Vehicle - any 5-door estate or MPV that embodies the joy of multiple offspring

Car 3: Orphan - something with an unusual spec, like a Jag with cloth seats or a 2.0 petrol Focus.  Deduct a £50 bonus for an outrageous tax banding

Car 4: Trophy - must be a proper coupe or convertible.  No hot hatches or barried 1.2 Clios

Car 5: Motorway Mile Muncher - must have an engine capacity of more than 2400cc

Car 6: Ready for Work - any van, pick-up, recovery vehicle or full-size 4x4

Car 7: On the Rank by Tonight - find some obvious minicab material.  Deduct a £50 bonus if it has a petrol engine

 

 

So, the judges' scores are in and I can reveal that the winner of December's Strictly Chod & Rammel is......................[yawn]........................

 

...FPB7 with an incredible £2455, giving an astounding average hammer price of £409.16 per car.  Jumping aboard the busman's rear entrance (oo-er) with a fine first effort was new contestant Old Bloke on £2640/£440, while Andy's choice of a cheap petrol V**xh*ll for his minicab helped Junkman (£3000/£500) to the bronze medal when his grotty Focus rank nominee didn't make it as far as the block.  Right on the Austrian's gaffer-taped bumper in fourth spot with £3080/£513.33 was Mr. Conelrad, while Lord Sterling was the last of the fast on £3240/£540.  Finishing a lap adrift was Pillock on £4085/£680.83 followed by Yours Truly with £4575/£762.50 and SPR who was rear-gunner this time on £4985/£830.83 

 

 

The details:

 

FPB7

1. 04/04 City Rover - £250

2. 05/55 Suzuki Wagon R - £420

3. 01/51 Merc A140 - £750

5. 01/51 Jag S-type V6 - £475

6. 03/53 Vauxhall Combo - £360

7. 00/X Vauxhall Zafira - £200 with bonus

Old Bloke Next Door

1. 02/52 Perodua Kelisa - £400

2. 00/X Vauxhall Zafira - £250

3. 02/02 Volvo S40 - £475

5. 01/51 Jag S-type V6 - £475

6. 03/53 Vauxhall Combo - £360

7. 03/03 Toyota Avensis - £700

 

Junkman

1. 00/X Renault Clio - £200

2. 00/X Vauxhall Zafira - £250

3. 01/51 Merc A140 - £750

5. 05/05 Renault Laguna V6 24v - £500

6. 02/02 Toyota Hiace - £850

7. Ford Focus (N/S) - £450 with penalty

 

Conrad D. Conelrad

1. 02/52 Perodua Kelisa - £400

2. 00/X Vauxhall Zafira - £250

3. 05/05 Renault Laguna V6 24v - £500

5. 01/51 Jag S-type V6 - £475

6. 01/Y Toyota RAV4 - £825

7. 99/T VW Sharan - £380 with penalty

 

Lord Sterling

1. 00/X Renault Clio - £200

2. 99/T VW Sharan - £380 with penalty

3. 02/02 Volvo S40 - £475

5. 05/05 Renault Laguna V6 24v - £500

6. 03/53 Vauxhall Combo - £360

7. 08/58 Fiat Doblo - £1325

 

Pillock

1. 02/52 Perodua Kelisa - £400

2. 06/06 Vauxhall Astra estate - £675

3. 05/05 Mazda 3 - £950

5. 03/52 Nissan X-Trail - £1150

6. 03/53 Vauxhall Combo - £360

7. 05/05 Vauxhall Vectra £550 with bonus

 

Chaseracer

1. 02/52 Perodua Kelisa - £400

2. 07/07 Toyota Corolla Verso - £1700

3. 01/51 Merc A140 - £750

5. 01/51 Jag S-type V6 - £475

6. 02/02 Toyota Hiace - £850

7. 05/05 Renault Laguna V6 24v - £450 with bonus

 

Small_Pillock_Replica

1. 05/05 Vauxhall Corsa - £685

2. 02/52 Ford Focus estate - £450

3. 05/05 Renault Laguna V6 24v - £500

5. 03/52 Nissan X-Trail - £1150

6. 02/02 Toyota Hiace - £850

7. 06/06 Vauxhall Zafira - £1350

[chaseracer]

Some very strange things happened twice of note. The auction hall almost cleared out twice during the proceedings, there wasn't the usual flow. The auctioneer made me laugh, he didn't know what some of the cars were/made a mistake/fluffed the details...

 

Funniest bit was when proceedings were suspended while an annoyed seller hissed death threats  at the old geezer auctioneer after OGA had attached Cat D status and 'no MOT' to said punter's Pisshat when actually it was the other Tedium Silver VAGshite of which these claims could be made.  

 

The first VW had a second trip across the block...

 

[Sloth in a bowl]

1. 02/52 Perodua Kelisa - £400

 

I've just had to google Perodua Kelisa and check it's a real car.

For £400, it makes a Metro VDP look like a good purchase

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

No-one knows what they are. They were five grand new. I did not think it would outperform the Clios. 

 

Then it did. 

[Inspector Morose]

All who.were there never knew how close they were to lending me the deposit for that CityRover. I know they're shit but £250? I paid more for the wheels and tyres on the BX astate!

 

Yet another good event with added extra cafe stop after the auction. Piloted the baron von sterlings Merc to cafe and it sure takes me back to Merc ownership of the past. Do all Mercs have that transmission whine in first? It was note perfect to my 190e.

 

As for arranging the events, yes they're usually every start of month. We usually break silence about a week before to give just enough notice without people forgetting/dropping off the page too much. There is a plan of a new year cafe only event to relieve the tedium of Christmas but, as ever, it's very flexible to what everybody willing to turn up wants to do.

 

THE MIDLANDS MASSIV - NO PLAN, NO RULES, NO CLUE.

[chaseracer]

There is a plan of a new year cafe only event to relieve the tedium of Christmas...

 

Last NYD, we met at the Hollies for a morning heartstopper and spent much of the day shuttling the three-quarters of a mile down the A5 to the Trucker's Rest and back, working our way through a tea plantation and the product of several pigs.  There exists a vague aspiration to bemuse the excellent staff of both hostelries in a similar way this holiday... 

[dugong]

Last NYD, we met at the Hollies for a morning heartstopper and spent much of the day shuttling the three-quarters of a mile down the A5 to the Trucker's Rest and back, working our way through a tea plantation and the product of several pigs.  There exists a vague aspiration to bemuse the excellent staff of both hostelries in a similar way this holiday... 

So on that.