If Autoshite Were To Close........

[In The Pit]

NEWSFLASH

 

Central London came to a standstill today as a convey of Hillman Hunters held up traffic in protest at the closure of Autoshite an online presence that has a vested interest in decrepit unloved vehicles. The cars arrived at 7am and on seeing them a local resident alerted the police, the same resident on seeing the drivers then alerted the fashion police as many of the drivers were wearing bri nylon shirts, flared trousers, cuban heels and blue parkers with an orange lining and fur hood. Police confiscated various items from drivers including a serck number plate making machine, packets of Senior Service, Party Sevens and a Fine Fare carrier that was rumoured to contain a politically incorrect jam jar. One driver after a heated protest was able to keep his ‘Feu Orange’ air freshener. Police made a failed attempt to encourage the protesters down a dead end street by parking a 1994 Mazda 626 there, one protester was heard saying to another he’d check Google Street View for the car when he got home. An official police spokesperson said “we have the situation fully under control†an unofficial police spokesperson said “these people are the scum of the earth, they purposely go out to find cars that most decent people want to forget, they encourage each other to buy and use these vehicles in public places, I‘ve seen a Lada Riva on the M4 a Volkwagen Derby in a Morrisons car park, I was even told of one sick person who drove a Datsun Violet past a school, we cannot tolerate that sort of behaviour in our societyâ€Â.

 

Elsewhere in London a brown Saab 99 with a rusty wing was left outside the gates of Buckingham Palace and a faded red Fiat Uno with a boot full of soiled Jalopy Mags was found near Downing Street. Police have confirmed that a T reg Ford Mondeo with gaffer taped bumpers found in Hammersmith is not is any way connected.

 

Meanwhile police in Manchester said that they were relieved that the protest there had almost failed to materialise, there had been rumours that every Talbot Tagora in Britain was turning up in Manchester City Centre to hold up traffic, police said the turnout was poor. However the statement given from an official Autoshite spokesperson contradicts this claiming “a massive turnout far bigger than we expectedâ€Â.

 

There was also an incident in Birmingham where a man took to the roof of a closed Rover dealership and threatened to throw himself off the roof. Police negotiators nearly had a deal involving prosecution immunity and an Ital van but all negotiations broke down after it was revealed that the van was in fact a Marina. Police negotiators then decided that they needed a go between and sent a Mitsubishi Lancer to collect Chris Goffey however there was a mix up and Mike Brewer turned up in a Nissan Juke this only aggravated the situation.

 

David Cameron has played down today’s events saying “Autoshite is not a mass UK movement most of its members are British Leyland perverts from Carlisle†whilst Secretary For Work And Pensions Iain Duncan Smith said “he would drive a Hillman Hunter if he had toâ€Â. Labour and the Liberal Democrats declined to comment but UKIP leader Nigel Farage said “the closure of Autoshite is bad for Britain, you can thank these bureaucrats in Brussels for this but they won’t stop at Autoshite we need a referendum before they close Moto-Scat as well. But if you think this is bad you wait until the Bulgarians and the Romanians come over here then you won’t even be able to buy a rusty Skoda Fabia for your local paperâ€Â

 

When we spoke to official Autoshite spokesperson Sidney “the Choke†Bastard he had this to say “what people don’t understand is that this isn’t about L reg Protons it’s not about K reg Protons, it’s not about J reg Protons, it’s not about H reg Protons or for that matter G reg Protons in fact I’d go as far as to say it’s not even about F reg Protons, you don’t have to be an Autoshiter to realise that MKIII Astras are getting scarce and if that doesn’t frighten you then MKV Escorts will, you don’t even see the MKVb with its tear drop tail lamps and smiley face, sad from the back but happy at the front just like the cue of people after the Titanic hit an iceburg. I have a two year old son I don’t want him growing up in a world where there are no Citroen C5’s or Renault Vel Satis’s. Many people have likened the closure of Autoshite to the splitting up of the Beatles, or the assassination of Kennedy but in reality this is far worse, when those things happened terrible as they were nobody was at risk of losing their Nissan Bluebird. I believe that the closure of Autoshite is in fact a Government conspiracy that involves Mi5 and foreign diplomats to rid Britain of the remaining FSO’s, clear fields of scrap cars and destroy all photographic evidence of them, to track down and censor all ‘Keep Your Distance†and “My Car Runs On Unleaded†bumper stickers and to encourage membership and active participation on ‘the blue forum’ ".

[Split_Pin]

LEGEND.

 

Thanks for brightening my otherwise dull train journey!

 

And yes AS should stay open!

 

Ps Alex Salmond said 'I wish I'd kept my gold Granada Scorpio Saloon' and once told Vince Cable to shut it 'as I sell 350 cars a month'.

[michiel]

[theorganist]

Excellent that's great and has certainly made me chuckle!

[FredTransit]

do you work for the Daily Mail Cav?

[Guest]

brilliant

[vulgalour]

The perfect antitode.

[Spiny Norman]

 

Superb.

[Jack_Harpers_Teeth]

[hairnet]

 

vote ^^^ for mod

 

see more of him then

[oldford]

Post of 2013, brilliant.

[ShiteRider]

This cheered me up after a shit day, cheers

[aldo135]

That's brilliant!

[Partridge]

Quality!

[dollywobbler]

NEWSFLASH

 

... whilst Secretary For Work And Pensions Iain Duncan Smith said “he would drive a Hillman Hunter if he had toâ€Â. Labour and the Liberal Democrats declined to comment but UKIP leader Nigel Farage said “the closure of Autoshite is bad for Britain, you can thank these bureaucrats in Brussels for this but they won’t stop at Autoshite we need a referendum before they close Moto-Scat as well. But if you think this is bad you wait until the Bulgarians and the Romanians come over here then you won’t even be able to buy a rusty Skoda Fabia for your local paperâ€Â

 

 

Much of that is good, the above is especially so.

[brickwall]

A great read

[Twiggy]

Brilliant !

[In The Pit]

Thanks for your kind comments, it was fun writing it.