Bates' Motel

[pogweasel]

I don't know if this is too far off topic, but is there any defining quality of shite accomodation for the shiter 'on-the-road'?I've been stopping in alot of hotels, b&b's & guesthouses recently as I have had some work in the north east and north wales recently. Generally these places are pretty acceptable, but once in a while you get a real treat. Imagine the scene. You're tired, having got up at 4 am to drive to wales, then worked until 8pm... so it's starting to get dark, all you have is a few scant directions for your booked accomodation. After a few wrong turns you finally find this place, a squat, drab building a good quarter mile from the road up an unmade track. And it's in total darkness. Unload your bags and make for the door.Then you notice that there are only two other cars parked outside. One is an old Fiesta, on 3 flat tyres and covered in mildew. The other is a Saab convertible, whilst not as dilapidated, probabaly hasn't turned a wheel in a few months. Crap. Amazingly, the door is open/unlocked so you make your way into a dingy & dark, and apparently deserted lobby. The lights are off. The door closes behind. "Good Evening" bellows an unexpected voice....I mean who the fuck skulks about with the lights off....OK, so this creepy, pasty fellow shows me the room & facilities. All I really want is some tuck and to go to bed, so I ask him about where I can get some grub, he gives directions to a local hostelry. When I get there, it's closed, boarded up and has been for some time. Tits. This guy probably doesn;t leave much. I expect breakfast, if I live that long, will be slices of other 'guests' who tried to escape. Thankfully, I did make it through the night without being raped, murdered or eaten, and the breakfast wasn't totally dreadful, but it's one I'll never forget. Any travelling shiters top that?

[VWPowered]

Then you notice that there are only two other cars parked outside. One is an old Fiesta, on 3 flat tyres and covered in mildew. The other is a Saab convertible, whilst not as dilapidated, probabaly hasn't turned a wheel in a few months.

awesome get some pics for the boys then

[FredTransit]

I sleep in the van!

[Milford Cubicle]

I've been sleeping in the back of l'hôtel 405 on longer trips, I can fit my combination airbed/sleeping in the back, lengthways, without much juggling.Apart from feeling a bit vulnerable parked up in strange rural places in Ireland, it's a good way to camp as I hate tents with a passion.

[ChinaTom]

I did have trouble a few years ago trying to find anywhere in Huddersfield. A long story involving a drunken ebay purchase of a baby grand piano,(no I am not Raymanboy) a borrowed Transit and late night journey.

Buckets of empathy with the Huddersfield Hotel nightmare. The club is in the basement and is easily mistaken for the Star Wars bar - (too many appendages, curious different languages not based on speech etc etc). Car-park ridiculously small and reception recommend parking on the dead-end bit where the ring road flyover is - y'know, just where those hooded lads with not enough money for tonight's crack-binge are eyeing up that 3 series. I have stayed there many times while visiting the Broadbent company (where they still smoke pipes and have black rimmed plastic specs and separate oiks from management for lunch). My room in the 'uddersfield 'urtEll always had a single bed that obscured the bathroom cubicle and the wardrobe blocked out half the light from the window. Breakfast: magnificent 'uddersfield service. Queuing for a saturated fat fest of a fry-up as the communal cereal table had been wiped clean by what can only be described as "regulars" (I think the council houses a lot of unhousables in hotels which explains why you can't find a room if you've not booked by 20:00) who thought it fair to keep the cornflakes on their own bloody tables and growling at you if you even make eye contact with them in the hope of sharing them. My turn at the serving hatch - just as well as I have been standing in this line for 20 minutes - and more fool me for asking whether I may swap that egg for one that doesn't contain bits of shell. The prison-trained (I can only assume) head chef can very easily be heard to say "tell 'im 'ill'ave wo'ee fukin gets".I think the idea for Life on Mars was conceived on the main staircase in the Huddersfield hotelI now use the Premier Lodge on the outskirts of the town. It is better on every possible level. And cheaper.

[Jon]

London 2005. An absolute nightmare experience involving wasted money on a job opportunity that didn't exist. Wanted to work for a company in Wandsworth (which are now no longer trading - HAH!) for next to nowt but with potential future prospects. Anyway, since I was taking two days holiday to go down there and work for nowt (yeah, I know), I wanted cheap accomodation near to a tube station somewhere between Kings Cross and Wimbledon stations. Having been to the motor shows in the past, I chose a B+B down Earl's Court Rd.....

 

Arrive to the culture shock of how busy London continues to be at 11pm, go to room and it's pretty pants. 'Breakfast' is a load of cheap white loaves of bread, a toaster, half a jar of jam and one of those big tubs of unbranded margarine with knives stuck in it and loads of toast crumbs. Not risked and a Greggs pastie bought instead.

 

I go out that evening for a kebab (I'm all about the class) and decide not to take my phone, just to be safe. Come back 45 minutes later to find it nicked. Cheers. Decide not to risk leaving my room anymore so opt to piss in the sink.

 

Depart the next morning and arrive at 'work' to find everyone watching the TV. The 7th July bombings have just occured, so I work out that:

 

A. A few people at home may be a might concerned but I have no phone they can call.

B. I'm probably not going home tonight.

 

End up paying £35 to stay in a hostel place (most places had bumped up their prices to cash in) about 2hrs walk from Wandsworth (can't remember where), which had about 6 beds in the room. Kept thinking others would turn up in the middle of the night but thankfully they didn't. Luckily got a lift at 4am the following day from one of the work vans which was driving up north the next day. In the end I was glad there wasn't a job there; I'm just not cut out for London!

[dollywobbler]

I've never had anywhere too bad, though a hotel with the squeakiest divan was a pain - threw my mattress on the floor and slept there instead.

 

However, I do seem to manage to book the most horribly twee places around the country! Here's a shot from a B&B near John O'Groats...

 

 

The whole room was full of vomit-inducing stuff like this!

[pompei]

I stayed in Bury a few weeks ago. The B&B was very cheap and to be fair, was only 10 minutes walk from the town. On the downside it was nicotene palace and was somewhat remote, situated amongst a load of industrial buildings.

 

 

I couldn't resist taking this picture in the hall of the prison mugshots

 

[trigger]

I couldn't resist taking this picture in the hall of the prison mugshots

 

It when you get that knock late at night and they are standing at the door wearing a gimp suit and a whip you want to worry!.

[MrRegieRitmo]

This thread is reminding me of the Only Fools & Horses when they take the jolly boys outing to Margate!

[mnde]

I couldn't resist taking this picture in the hall of the prison mugshots

 

BWAHAHAHA! That's pure gold!

 

After watching a couple of episodes of The Hotel Inspector, I'm convinced there are lots of hotels round the country filled with timewarp tat...

 

Mark.

[garycox]

LOL! Nice to know that they were there, I wonder what happened to them, and who's there now?