Haynes Manual - translations and other lies

[Split_Pin]

I think the Haynes manuals are actually not too bad, but is it just me that experiences all the buggered fastenings, rotten bolts, and crazy designs or trim fittings that are a real head-scratcher and not mentioned then tho book?I found a translation that may help when reading the manual and working out how much time/blood loss/ unforseen trips to motor factors a job will require Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer. Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?" Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two). Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it. Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned. Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: Make sure you won't need your motorbike/car for a couple of days. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you? Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in/on it again. Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer... Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at it really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife/husband/partner "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one" Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions. Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

[shite_meister]

I think the Haynes manuals are actually not too bad, but is it just me that experiences all the buggered fastenings, rotten bolts, and crazy designs or trim fittings that are a real head-scratcher and not mentioned then tho book?

Thats because Haynes strip new or near new cars when they're doing the books hence no struggles with fixings, I had exactly the same issue with Autodata's times when in the workshop, they'd never give allowances for all the crap that happens to fixings/fasteners over time.

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

I like the Haynes 'Restoration' manuals, because they are dealing with rotten old shite. Loads of photos which proved invaluable last time I had my engine in bits. Obviously you need the vanilla Haynes manual as well.

 

My only complaint is that the covers make them look like new books, when they were actually published about 20 years ago.

[Albert Ross]

I once rebuilt an older FSO engine that had been lying on the floor of a cow shed for 6 months. It belonged to another worker on the farm, it was for his beige estate! Another bloke had stripped it before not turning up one day......All I had for help was the official factory manual.............English, translated from Polish, translated from Russian, after being translated from Italian.It spoke of a "dynamometric spanner" which I realised fairly quickly was a torque wrench. But I was baffled by the "oil thrower catcher assembly hub"..............so after picking through the pile of rusty/bent/cowlicked parts on the floor, I realised it had a centrifugal oil filter in the front pulley......It did run again, the first trip was to the MOT place.....it bloody passed! I wonder if it still exists..............?

[Pillock]

I do wonder how long Haynes manuals are going to last. Older stuff is great, but as you get onto the last five years or so they're more and more 'refer to your dealer' and 'this will only be possible with the correct software programmer' and all that bollocks.Even worse, since manufacturers scrimp and save so much over the course of a model lifetime, and since some (like Ford) and mini-facelifts every year then the manuals are either wrong, or vague enough to cover all eventualities. I tried to do the rear brakes on a 2001 Mondeo only to find the photos were of a completely different assembly.