Datsuncog's Heaps: Sept 2023 - Another Year's T-Met Exemption Certificate...

[Datsuncog]

As winter backs off just a little but the days never seem to get properly light, the Renner has been largely behaving itself in an A to B kind of way... though its puckish humour is still coming to the fore. Driving home the other night, I felt that there was a slight reduction in the amount of light at dipped beam... on arriving home, it appeared the o/s bulbs had dropped out, as per its little pre-MOT jape three weeks ago.

Wiggling the connector brought it back to life again, so not sure whether I'm dealing with simply a faulty bulb, a damaged section of wire or a weird earth - the metal connectors themselves are clean, tight and uncorroded where they slot onto the bulb spade connectors. But as I've no idea what species of cheapo Poundland bulbs have been slotted in over the years, I reckon I'll swap the entire lot over for new Halfords jobbers this week, and see if that helps. I can't stand non-working bulbs, and it might be easier just to do them all at once.

With all the shockingly Arctic weather, I've been having to use the heater rather a lot - and can't tell whether it's simply my imagination, or whether the heater just isn't getting much above lukewarm these days, even on long journeys with the engine showing normal operating temperature. Previously, it seemed warm enough the few times I used it on 'hot' over the summer.

Now, while it's nowhere near as bad as my XM TDi (which, unbeknownst to me, had had the matrix completely bypassed - making for slightly frostbitten motoring in the bleak midwinter of 2010), the older Laguna RN had a cracking heater so it doesn't just appear to be a Renault thing. The carpets are perfectly dry, so it's not a matrix leak as far as I can tell. This version does have A/C fitted - so are the aircon cars just less good at keeping things warm, or is there maybe air in the system somewhere? One of my previously noted 'non-authorised improvements' by the previous owner does seem to involve a foam ear plug jammed into the place where a heater pipe bleed valve ought to be (and secured with a cable tie), so that's probably my first line of investigation. As it's not that bad really, I'm somewhat reluctant to start poking in case I make it all significantly worse (as I've been known to do before).

With all the roads round here having a mound of snow between the tyretracks last week, I wasn't really that surprised to notice on Saturday that two of the undertray air baffles have been knocked skew-wiff a little. They were loose when I got the car, but I pop-riveted them back on in lieu of their missing bolts (seems to be a bit of theme developing with this car...) - will have to check to see whether my rivets have failed, or the other threads have come adrift.

I recently purchased a Lidl car cap, in the vain hope of having less morning ice-scraping to be doing. Despite it being very much shite-approved (with the fitment guide listing Renault Safrane, Ford Sierra and Peugeot 405 amongst other pre-2000 rammel), it turned out to be an unwieldy bastard of a thing, with about 200 adjustable straps needing individually adjusted, plus dire warnings not to fit it while the weather was wet, or dry, or sunny, or windy, and to remove aerials/fold in mirrors etc etc etc. After about half an hour of fighting with it in the sleet last Wednesday night, I ended up just folding it flat and throwing it over the windscreen, trapping the ends in the front door rubbers. Unfortunately, later that night the sleet turned to very heavy rain and in the morning both front seats were utterly sodden, with rainwater running through the breached seals... urgh. And they're still wet, irritatingly. The cover's been banished to the shed in disgrace - I'll just have to keep scraping the screen of a morning. And sitting on a Sainsburys bag for life, to save me from an onward train journey with one very wet arse-cheek.

So TAZ is continuing to be something of a beast of burden, taking another load of my discarded crap up to the dump/down to the charity shop over the weekend. Having (perhaps understandably) incited zero interest in the Goodmans and Autoline radio-cassette units of unknown viability in the Shitecycle thread, sadly they have found themselves in the electrical recycling skip. The remaining car mags and brochures have also been tossed in the interests of space, though I've held back the run of Real Classics from the late 90s and also the early 70s Vauxhall Motorist mags, for now (available at cost of postage only, kids).

I know we have all manner of household electrical enthusiasts on here (Beko87/counterfeit slartibartfast), but does anyone have any toaster love? Just couldn't bring myself to bin it. Pifco, Japan, probably 70s?? Pics are terrible, sorry - can provide better ones if needed.

[SiC]

Argh dang, I don't check the free thread. I'd loved those old cassette players!

 

I have had a brand-new genuine Osram bulb (or Philips, I don't remember...) with a dodgy connection between the spade connector on the bulb and the glass envelope. You couldn't tell from looking at the bulb either.

 

It was in the Saab 9-5 that Hooli had. The car had bulb out warnings that would spring up randomly. As it was intermittent, I checked the entire loom from bulb to the control unit and all associated relays. All were fine. I only discovered it when putting the bulb in, it stopped working, taking out it worked and shaking it made it flicker. 

 

Possibly not the problem you're seeing with yours, but just be aware such things can happen. Maybe try swapping the bulbs over and see if it moves to the other side.

 

Darn thing. I lost a good day of my life while out in sub-zero weather trying to fix that.

[beko1987]

Toaster Tastic! I don't know anyone who collects toasters thinking about it. Vacuums, Kettles, Washing Machines, Food Mixers... But toasters...

Want me to ask about or do you want to keep it

[Datsuncog]

On 12/18/2017 at 1:50 PM, sIartibartfast said:

Toaster Tastic! I don't know anyone who collects toasters thinking about it. Vacuums, Kettles, Washing Machines, Food Mixers... But toasters...

Want me to ask about or do you want to keep it

If you want to ask around, that'd be awesome! Mrs DC saw it at a somewhat shitetastic auction about four years ago and felt an inexplicable fondness towards it; cost us about a fiver with buyer's premium etc. The (original, braided) lead looks well dodgy, hence never using it - but it's all screwed together so should be eminently repairable to anyone with more skillz than me. Sadly, for me it's just another project I'll never get around to!

Would be delighted to pass it on to anyone who could show it a bit of love, at price of postage only.

[Datsuncog]

On 12/18/2017 at 1:34 PM, SiC said:

Argh dang, I don't check the free thread. I'd loved those old cassette players!

Daaaagh, I knew that would happen! I originally started off with my very own 'Digital Bootsale' thread to list all the assorted crap I'm looking shot of, but it was deleted and moved (perhaps not unreasonably) onto the General Buy/Sell thread - and, predictably, interest has almost completely dried up as I long suspected that not many folks bother to check pinned posts (hence creating a new thread for all my bits and bobs in the first place). Not having a pop at the mods who do a sterling job at keeping the good content front and centre, but still... sorry about that!

 

Quote

I have had a brand-new genuine Osram bulb (or Philips, I don't remember...) with a dodgy connection between the spade connector on the bulb and the glass envelope. You couldn't tell from looking at the bulb either.

It was in the Saab 9-5 that Hooli had. The car had bulb out warnings that would spring up randomly. As it was intermittent, I checked the entire loom from bulb to the control unit and all associated relays. All were fine. I only discovered it when putting the bulb in, it stopped working, taking out it worked and shaking it made it flicker. 

Possibly not the problem you're seeing with yours, but just be aware such things can happen. Maybe try swapping the bulbs over and see if it moves to the other side.

Darn thing. I lost a good day of my life while out in sub-zero weather trying to fix that.

Yes, that sounds familiar... I failed an MOT on my Escort with a dodgy (new) bulb... it was a cheapo discount store job so I should have known better than to stick it in, but it sounds like something similar. Probably easier to swap them over than begin an arduous round of electrical testing for nowt. Cheers!

[beko1987]

If you want to ask around, that'd be awesome! Mrs DC saw it at a somewhat shitetastic auction about four years ago and felt an inexplicable fondness towards it; cost us about a fiver with buyer's premium etc. The (original, braided) lead looks well dodgy, hence never using it - but it's all screwed together so should be eminently repairable to anyone with more skillz than me. Sadly, for me it's just another project I'll never get around to!

 

Would be delighted to pass it on to anyone who could show it a bit of love, at price of postage only.

Someone's bit already! Pm sent

[Zelandeth]

Given my experience with them a couple of years back I'd not touch own brand headlight bulbs from Halfrauds.  It's worth spending a couple of quid extra to get decent ones (I pretty much exclusively use Osram Nightbreakers these days) from GSF or your supplier of choice.

 

I tend to run with dipped headlights on for the sake of visibility, so consider them an annual service item.  Their output does decline with time as well.

[Datsuncog]

On 12/18/2017 at 3:39 PM, sIartibartfast said:

Someone's bit already! Pm sent

I've sent him a message, so fingers crossed - thanks for that!

[Datsuncog]

On 12/18/2017 at 3:48 PM, Zelandeth said:

Given my experience with them a couple of years back I'd not touch own brand headlight bulbs from Halfrauds.  It's worth spending a couple of quid extra to get decent ones (I pretty much exclusively use Osram Nightbreakers these days) from GSF or your supplier of choice.

I tend to run with dipped headlights on for the sake of visibility, so consider them an annual service item.  Their output does decline with time as well.

I tend to use Halfrauds bulbs mostly because they're exceedingly good value on a Trade Card (£4.99 becomes £1.99 with a wave of the card), and I can't say I've experienced any particular problems - but as I also run on dipped beams during daylight hours, I'm well used to swapping them as they pop.

I might push the boat out and try a set of Nightbreakers, as quite a few folks on here seem to be running them - and at this time of year, the more output the better. Cheers!

[Datsuncog]

Right, so. A new set of dipped bulbs has been fitted to TAZ (Halfauds own brand, simply as I happened to have a new matched pair of them in the back - but will look out for some Nightbreakers and switch them) and happily there's been no more jiggery-pokery on dipped or sidelights - so here's hoping it was just a dodgy bulb causing the outage problems.

A slightly more irritating fault has now raised its head - the heater blower has stopped working on all increments except #4 (full blast). Positions 1,2 and 3, on both fresh and recirculation modes, produce no heater noise and no air throughput - but position 4, on both fresh and recirc, gives the usual deafening roar and plenty of air. It started by not working on #3, then the next day #1 and 2 also dropped out.

If the blower had completely stopped working, then a fuse would be the obvious first stop, but I'm suspecting a mixture of issues here - possibly the dash switch, possibly the blower unit, possibly another electrical issue. Of course, KAZ has a completely different switch and blower fitted, so I can't even swap them to see. I'd mentioned the pained electrical noise evident from outside the car at position #2 a little while back - perhaps it wasn't just a quirk after all.

Although the engine temperature is stable and there's no evidence (yet) of coolant loss from the expansion tank, the air temperature from the blower is only intermittently hot - it's often quite lukewarm. It was plenty toasty a few months back. I'm hoping it's an airlock, but concerned it's a matrix leak....

Since the inside of the car was soaked a few weeks back thanks to my ad-hoc frost shield breaching the door seals during a downpour, I really can't tell whether the carpets still feel slightly damp because they haven't dried out properly in the freezing weather, or if there's water coming in where water ought not be... and of course the damp seats and carpets have also exacerbated the interior misting. So I need to drive everywhere with the demister on full whack.

Looks like I know already what I'll be doing over the weekend!

[SiC]

The fan is the good old resistor pack surely?

 

Usually position 4 is direct power to the motor while the slower speeds are thru the resistor pack.

[Datsuncog]

On 1/9/2018 at 6:10 PM, SiC said:

The fan is the good old resistor pack surely?

Usually position 4 is direct power to the motor while the slower speeds are thru the resistor pack.

Sounds like that could well be the culprit... as stated above, I'm unforgivably dense when it comes to electrical problems. I didn't even realise that was how the blower positions might work, although ten seconds of thinking should have made it clear that of course it runs on a resistor system.

According to the HBOL, on aircon-equipped Laguna 1s the resistor pack is an integral part of the blower motor casing, and can't be renewed separately... so looks like it might be a secondhand jobber needed, since of course ECP are no bloody use...

Oh, my aching sides...

On the plus side, it appears that the blower can be accessed via the passenger footwell with minimal dashboard disassembly.

[Datsuncog]

Alright then - it appears there's a known fix for this heater blower problem, using a replacement thermal fuse, costing £notthatmuch...

http://www.renaultforums.co.uk/44-heating-cooling/15414-renault-laguna-i-phase-2-heating-cooling-heater-fan-1-2-3-speed-not-working-fix.html

https://www.maplin.co.uk/search/?text=RA64+THERMAL+FUSE+110C

Seems mildly fiddly for my ham-fisted tendencies, but I think that I might be able to manage it. Solder isn't recommended for these thermal fuses (although plenty of people seem to have successfully managed it without blowing the fuse with the heat from the soldering iron, these people aren't me) - so reckon I'll be using the proposed brass inners stripped from some 5A connector block, with a dab of threadlock to prevent the screws shaking loose.

Have now ordered up a pair of these thermal fuses from Maplin, to pick up later (they only have two left in stock at 99p each, and I don't trust myself not to lose or break one).

The Laguna Forum also advises that the pollen filter is changed at the same time and the heater trunking thoroughly cleaned out to remove dead leaves/other detritus - the most common reason for thermal fuse failure on S1 Lags seems to be guff clogging the pipes, restricting airflow and causing the fuse to overheat and pop. So I'll be doing this too. ECP lists two totally different filters for this model; one at £8 and one at £16, so I'll need to check which one fits mine before ordering (though I can probably guess...)

Stay tuned, kids...

[They_all_do_that_sir]

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[They_all_do_that_sir]

2b223 232

 

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[They_all_do_that_sir]

Apologies - my phone was unlocked and decided I really wanted to publish a load of gibberish

 

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[Guest Hooli]

I thought you'd wifi enabled your goona!

[beko1987]

I thought that was a sequence of part numbers or something...

 

+1 on not soldering the thermal fuse. I was refurbishing a 1983 Hoover Sensotronic, and fucked the magnetic switch that's housed in a little glass housing that makes the bag full light work. Bought some more, went to solder them and within 3 seconds the glass on one end popped... Went through 3 before getting just enough solder on to hold it then left it the fuck alone! If there's room for your solution, it's a good solution. Plus if it blows again its an easy change whilst you fault find what's making it blow!

[SiC]

I've soldered a thermal fuse when I fixed our Astra G Aircon compressor clutch. I put a couple of crocodile clips on the lead further down the lead to heatsink some of the heat off. Did manage it all ok but then I have a decent soldering iron. Cheap/crap irons tend not to put enough heat into the joint quick enough.

[Datsuncog]

On 1/11/2018 at 7:55 PM, They_all_do_that_sir said:

2b223 232

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...and to think I was reading this earnestly thinking it was some sort of wiring component schematic, and wondering how the hell I was meant to decode it...  

[Datsuncog]

I truly am unbelievably shit at soldering.

Despite close viewing of YouTube tutorials, I generally end up with about three linear feet of solder reduced to metallic blobs all over the table, my trousers and the cat, while the joint remains beautifully unblemished. I've bought three different soldering irons, and have been forced to conclude it ain't the tools that's the problem (nor the solder, as it's a decent brand now) - so a screw connector it shall be, in this instance.

I have, however, started donating my bicycle repair knowledge to a local Fixing Café once a month, and have hopes of ingratiating myself with someone who can show me how to solder PCBs (and anything else) cleanly and correctly, as it's a frustrating embarrassment to be unable to carry out such a basic task. Imagine the carnage if I ever tried to weld...

 

In other news - a very odd squealing noise became evident while arriving home on Wednesday evening, coming from the engine bay - possibly the same 'tortured electrical squeal' referred to upthread while at the local tip, but which I thought I'd identified as the blower on Setting #2...

So I popped the bonnet, and sure enough there was a helluva racket of tortured metal/electrics in pain right up top. Initial thoughts were that a drive belt idler pulley was on the way out, as the noise definitely originated from the front of the engine - but then I started to wonder whether it was actually the pulley on the alternator creating the noise. By the time I got my phone out to record the drama, it had receded a fair bit, then faded away to nothing as I stood there. I'd had the car running for about ten or fifteen minutes since starting it at the station, and had driven about two and a half miles before I noticed the noise. But it faded completely as quickly as it started. Drive belt is recent and properly tensioned; idler pulley doesn't seem cockamamie or anything yet. Drove about fifty miles last night, with nothing untoward noticed, and fine again this morning. I hate intermittent faults... will be doing some serious work tomorrow, weather permitting, on the blown blower and hub, so will have a proper look in daylight.

Bloody cars.

[They_all_do_that_sir]

I truly am unbelievably shit at soldering. Despite close viewing of Youtube tutorials, I generally end up with about three linear feet of solder reduced to metallic blobs all over the table, my trousers and the cat, while the joint remains beautifully unblemished. I've bought three different soldering irons, and have been forced to conclude it ain't the tools that's the problem (nor the solder, as it's a decent brand now) - so a screw connector it shall be, in this instance.

 

I have, however, started donating my bicycle repair knowledge to a local Fixing Café once a month, and have hopes of ingratiating myself with someone who can show me how to do the damn job right, as it's a frustrating embarrassment to be unable to carry out such a basic task. I can only imagine the carnage if I ever tried to weld...

 

 

In other news - a very odd squealing noise became evident while arriving home on Wednesday evening, coming from the engine bay - possibly the same 'tortured electrical squeal' referred to upthread while at the local tip, but which I thought I'd identified as the blower on Setting #2...

 

So I popped the bonnet, and sure enough there was a helluva racket of tortured metal/electrics in pain right up top. Initial thoughts were that a drive belt idler pulley was on the way out, as the noise definitely originated from the front of the engine - but then I started to wonder whether it was actually the pulley on the alternator creating the noise. By the time I got my phone out to record the drama, it had receded a fair bit, then faded away to nothing as I stood there. I'd had the car running for about ten or fifteen minutes since starting it at the station, and had driven about two and a half miles before I noticed the noise. But it faded completely as quickly as I started. Drive belt is recent and properly tensioned; idler pulley doesn't seem cockamamie or anything yet. Drove about fifty miles last night, with nothing untoward noticed, and fine again this morning. I hate intermittent faults... will be doing some serious work tomorrow, weather permitting, on the blown blower and hub, so will have a proper look in daylight.

 

Bloody cars.

Did you service bikes during your time at Halfords? I've a couple of Boardmans and they really are rather good

 

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[Datsuncog]

Did you service bikes during your time at Halfords? I've a couple of Boardmans and they really are rather good

Heh, yes - two years in the Bangor bike department, a stint in Boucher, then back to Bangor as the till jockey, then finally parts desk manager at Bangor (with forays to Lisburn, N'abbey and Ballymena as touring specialist/trainer/child seat specialist) until jacking it in for the final time in 2007... some of their bikes really are very good, others are diabolical - they're nearly all far-eastern products now, and quality can be variable... never got a chance to work on the Boardman range, but delighted yours have been up to the job!

[They_all_do_that_sir]

Heh, yes - two years in the Bangor bike department, a stint in Boucher, then back to Bangor as the till jockey, then finally parts desk manager at Bangor (with forays to Lisburn, N'abbey and Ballymena as touring specialist/trainer/child seat specialist) until jacking it in for the final time in 2007... some of their bikes really are very good, others are diabolical - they're nearly all far-eastern products now, and quality can be variable... never got a chance to work on the Boardman range, but delighted yours have been up to the job!

Bit of a thread derail so I'll stick some stuff up in the bikeshite thread at some point but I've a hybrid and their very competent full suspension MTB. Dropping £1000 on a bicycle in Halfords feels a bit odd given the reputation of some of the cheaper stuff they sell.......but end of season seen that reduced to £750 and cycle to work dropped another 40% off so a lot more palatable..... It's survived a couple of years of my fat ass throwing it round woodburn and tardree forests so can't be that bad!

 

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[Datsuncog]

On 1/12/2018 at 6:37 PM, They_all_do_that_sir said:

I've a hybrid and their very competent full suspension MTB. Dropping £1000 on a bicycle in Halfords feels a bit odd given the reputation of some of the cheaper stuff they sell.......but end of season seen that reduced to £750 and cycle to work dropped another 40% off so a lot more palatable..... It's survived a couple of years of my fat ass throwing it round woodburn and tardree forests so can't be that bad!

Mmm, nice... the Boardman stuff has a good rep; while I worked there the best we could offer off the shelf was Carrera own-brand stuff (range topped out around the £799 mark, generally for road bikes) or special order GT, Cannondale and Specialised bikes (others may have been available). Reductions on obsolete stock are generally good though, and the Cycle to Work scheme puts a decent wodge back in your pocket... brilliant! Pics most welcome!

Woodburn's really lovely; yet to get up to Tardree myself (just walking, not cycling!)

[Datsuncog]

So despite my best intentions upthread, Saturday was a bit of a write-off for working at cars, due to constant rain and general January dismal weather... it's this time of year that I fantasise about having a garage.

On Friday night, Mrs DC casually advised over dinner that the brakes on her Mk1 Yaris were feeling a bit squidgy these days - the safety ramifications of which rather put the semi-functional Laguna heater in context. I hardly ever drive the Yaris anymore, so wasn't aware of the deterioration - but a quick flick through the service record reveals it's been three years since the fluid was last changed. After two years of only occasional use, it's now been pressed back into daily motorway commuting for Mrs DC's new job and I'm not happy with her driving something possessing less than fully functional brakes.

So when Saturday morning dawned grey and wet, I decided that I'd pick up all the necessary bits and bobs to have a car-fixit day on Sunday (which was forecast dry). Mrs DC had a set of DMs to collect from Belfast City Centre, so we scooted up in the Lag, picked up the rather nice boots (Dr Martens have a 'For Life' range, UK made and guaranteed repair or replace for the rest of your natural - so we'll see how that gets on), then scarfed down a pizza at Little Wing round the corner, before parting ways.

Sitting in traffic on the Westlink to get over to the Boucher Rd branch of Maplin is seldom a fun way to spend a wet Saturday. Nonetheless, I braved it out and picked up the pair of thermal fuses (one to repair, one as a spare, as my grandfather used to say - wise words, but also why his garage was heaving with unidentifiable crap). Then back across the city to Newtownards to return a jumper, and pick up a jumbo-sized dehumidifier to try to dry out KAZ, the silver Laguna that won't start and is now going somewhat damp... Ards was as picturesque as ever.

Then another grindingly slow, bumper-to-bumper jam back along the Newtownards Rd down to Halfords Connswater. I'd hoped to compare pollen filters side by side in an effort to find out which of the two options fitted TAZ, but surprise surprise - Series 1 Lagunas don't exist anymore. PHACT.

The little iPad parts checker things dotting the parts aisle (which, now that I reflect on it, are putatively doing the job I once performed within this esteemed establishment) returned 'no result' when I entered my reg - and manually selecting the make and model returned nothing at all for a pre-2000 Laguna, not even for oil type. So my cars have been officially obliterated as functioning mass market transport. Flicking through the little flippy books confirmed it; no Lagunas listed before 2000. Phuck you, Halfrauds. I didn't ask any of the staff, as I now know that if it's not on the system it causes naught but confusion, and the last time I tried I wept bitter tears of rage and frustration at the jaw-dropping lack of automotive knowledge demonstrated. I mean... it's one thing not stocking HT leads, it's quite another to have no concept of what they even are...

So I contented myself with a litre of Comma brake fluid (the first time I ever did a fluid change, I bought a 5 litre drum assuming that I'd need that much...), skimming £3-odd off with the Trade Card. "

Did you get everything you needed today, sir?"

Errrr... well no I didn't - but there's not much the till jockey can do about management's failure to, y'know, stock car parts in what's meant to be a car parts retail store.

I allowed myself a weak smile, and slipped off into the night.

Oh, and good luck in getting one of those bastarding iPad things to go outside and lie under a shagged Morris 1100 to try and diagnose a 'funny creaking noise'.

I'd hoped to meet up with Mrs DC for a genteel artisan coffee and slightly less genteel wodge of cake, but ongoing traffic woes meant that I was only arriving as the place was shutting, so it was straight back out into the 5pm traffic... hnnng. Sometimes, an autobox almost appeals to me...

 

Well. Sunday.

Nocturnal cat activity meant that I was frazzled and exhausted at my anticipated rise-and-shine time of 8.30... so as a consequence it was past noon before I stumbled outside with my oily jeans on, two coffees down and still not feeling the benefit.

The priority list was as follows:

• change the Yaris brake fluid;
• remove the green Laguna's blower motor and fit the new thermal fuse;
• remove the green Laguna's pollen filter to get an idea which one I need to order up;
• give the silver Laguna a good jolt of Easy-Start in an effort to narrow down the non-starting issue as either a spark prob or a pez prob; and
• fit the new Kenwood MP3 stereo to the Yaris.

So. Three cars, and four hours before nightfall. Easy!

Hear that noise? That's the sound of fate being tempted. And fate doesn't take much tempting, in my experience.

 

So first up, the Yaris.

Into the shed for the usual kit; trolley jack, axle stands, toolset, old carpet runner to lie on, brake fluid kit.

Erm... brake fluid kit? Gunson's Eezi-bleed? I thought I knew exactly where it was - but the blue box on the shed shelf that looked just like the brake kit turned out to be a set of brake shoes instead.

Cue a wasted hour gutting the shed, rummaging through all three cars, checking under the stairs, up in the attic, in the greenhouse, before a bolt of realisation struck - where had I last seen it? Why, last July, while doing a brake upgrade to Capri discs on a friend's Mk3 Cortina 1300. Had I left it round at his? Buggered if I could remember. It sounds like the kinda thing I'd do... so, I followed up with a flurry of increasingly frantic texts and phonecalls to said friend, who seemed uncontactable, to my growing irritation.

I could, of course, have driven over to Halfords and bought yet another Gunsons kit - but as this is my third one (having lent one to a car club 'friend' who I never saw again, and then having had its replacement stolen in a garage theft) I balked at the thought of buying #4 - even assuming Halfrauds would stock such an antediluvian device in this super hi-tec whizz-bang automotive world we all allegedly live in. The thought of wasting another hour sitting in traffic at Abbeycentre, only to immediately get a call from Cortina chummy to say yeah, it was still sitting in his back porch where I left it last summer, was too much.

An executive decision was made to sack it off for today in favour of the other jobs on the list. Mrs DC could take the Laguna to work, and I'd take an afternoon off during the week to get the Yaris' fluid changed. Annoying, but there we have it.

 

On to the green Laguna.

According to Renault Forums, in the aircon equipped Laguna 1 the thermal resistor circuit lives on top of the blower fan. Remove the blower itself, follow the wires, and you'll see one of these:

 

[cheerfully out of focus pics stolen from Renault Forums]

So, with the trusty HBOL, I removed the felt pad thingy from under the passenger footwell (permanently, it would appear, as I tore it quite badly) and had a poke. There was the blower fan. HBOL advises that there are two potential types of blower - the Behr type, which just twists off, or the Valeo type, which has three screws holding it on.

 

This one had three Torx screws, one of which was jammed up right against the bulkhead (requiring some contortion and a flexible screwdriver), so was clearly of the Valeo type.

Oh.

Haynes Book Of Lies contains lies. Shocker.

Or, possibly, it's a Behr-manufactured pattern replacement of a Valeo-type blower. Any road, I didn't have much time to puzzle over this, as a far larger problem loomed large.

There was nothing on the blower unit which even remotely resembled the picture from Renault Forums. I followed the wires as instructed, removed the plastic cover as instructed, and found... this.

I disconnected the spade connectors, removed another Torx screw on the top of the unit and withdrew the motor assembly itself from the plastic shroud.

The name 'Bosch' did not inspire confidence.

I had a closer look... well, I could see three sort of springy things inside... and also something that looked rather like a resistor. And, to an electrical ignoramus such as myself, it appeared credible that this rather more industrial-looking set-up approximated the PCB shown on Renault Forums, in terms of resisting the current to the blower motor it was seemed to be linked to... only it was trapped inside a riveted, punched metal casing, with no means of disassembly.

Ballsacks.

There was plainly no way that the Maplins resistor could be incorporated into this component. The stern words of the HBOL stared back at me like scripture:

On models fitted with air conditioning, the resistor fuse is an integral part of the blower motor casing, and cannot be renewed separately.

Well, I dunno. But since this is one of the very last Phase 1 Lagunas, it's not the first component I've encountered that has been different from the one everyone else seems to have. I moaned, I groaned, I stamped my tiny foot in frustration. Then I went inside and booted up the laptop. Entering the part number (Behr 23879-01) produced two eBay listings for an identical component, one of which was from breaker up the road in Derry; £29.98 posted, on 48hr courier delivery. Enraged, I hit 'Buy It Now'. Fuckit.

I came back out, refitted the blower (so I would at least have Position 4 warp speed demist in the morning, which I felt was prudent with a snow warning forecast), threw away all the bits of torn foam and broken clips, and grumpily consulted my list. Pollen filter. Well, at least that should be easy. I'd changed the pollen filter in the Yaris before; just a matter of lifting out the glove box and tugging out the filter behind. Other than the A_ _ _ 156 (the car which must not be named), none of my bangers have been modern enough to warrant a pollen filter.

Back to the HBOL. Pollen filter replacement... Section 1.19. Basic service section. Two spanner rating. Aha, finally something that's more my level. Let's see...

"First, remove the scuttle vents below the windscreen, as per Chapter 12"

Wha?

I flick through to chapter 12. Scuttle vents... here.

"First remove the windscreen wipers as per Chapter 13"

Ah, ferfucksake. Flick flick flick. Wipers, removal thereof. Three spanner rating.

"You may require a hub puller to remove the wiper arms."

***Flings manual across the garden in rage***

No, I do not own a hub puller. (I thought I did, somewhere, but it turned out to be a ball joint splitter.)

I removed the nuts on the wiper arms anyway, just to confirm that they were inextricably jammed on to their splines, and after a bit of wondering just how much damage a claw hammer would do (lots, based on the last time I used one to remove a wiper arm), I just put them back on again. Another mega-fail.

But stay! What's this? Some sort of little hatch-type thingy, on the nearside... using two differently sized Torx screwdrivers, I removed it... and beneath the hatch was a cover, and beneath the cover was an unbelievably skanky-looking pollen filter.

Having banged out a good quarter tonne of topsoil, I measured up the filter and photographed it, before popping it back in again. That probably explains the 'weak' airflow compared to the non-aircon silver car, as well as the musty smell evident over the summer. Putting the cover back on was another story, as it seems that the plastic scuttle doubles as a slicer for one's charcuterie as it's very sharp and very, very fiddly. Failing to get the cover back on would result in rainwater being dumped straight down the blower... after about twenty minutes of finely grating my (increasingly cold) hands, it went back on with a bang. I screwed it back together with all the miserable relish you might expect, knowing it's going to have to come off again soon.

And, with this pathetic non-victory my sole win today so far, I decided to tackle KAZ's starting problem. I located the can of Easy Start, and pulled off the airbox to funnel this devils' brew down its uncooperative gullet.

Into the driver's seat to find... the same biohazard as noted several weeks ago, only now much worse.

Remember how we all laughed when the Japanese came up with microbe-repelling steering wheels? Yeah, who's laughing now. A quick spray of bleach solution and kitchen roll made it seem more like something you might be able to touch without contracting arse rabies.

I gave it a quick spin, to find the same effect - the starter turns willingly, the dash lights all come on, there's a faint cough but a slight sense of 'straining' - like something's not right. My guess is either the fuel pump's blocked/borked, but I do want to confirm that it's not something electrical. I'd spun it over with the spark plug testers attached back in November, and it all seems to be sparking ok. This particular Lag is fitted with a dizzy, not coil packs, but I don't want to get into parts darts if I can avoid it. So, at the point of fetching Mrs DC from her cosy chair inside to come and play with my shitty old wrecks out in the cold, I noticed a bit of rope hanging out of the rear o/s door and went to put it neatly back in...

Hello, what's this?

In the name of the wee man...

So, it turns out the feckin' Eezi-Bleed was hiding under a tarp in the back of the silver Laguna the whole time. Well slap my thigh and call me Gertrude, what a chump I am. A conciliatory and light-hearted text was immediately sent to Cortina chum... and a sensation of panic took over. It was now after 3pm, with dark clouds gathering... hastily,  I grabbed the various jacks and stands and pulled the Yaris bonnet up again. Right.

At this point, the Greybeast decided that he could offer his services to assist. He was roundly disabused of this notion in short order.

Hoicked up at the rear, the Yaris had its n/s wheel pulled off and the bleed nipples suitably doused in PlusGas, and with tools at the ready I popped the litre of Dot 4 and filled the Gunsons bottle.

Following a hilarious* and lighthearted* incident while doing the Cortina brakes last year, I made a point of remembering that connecting a pressurising tyre of more than 20psi to the kit's bottle transforms it from a boring old fluid bottle to an exciting brake fluid fountain (I still don't know what all the fuss was about, it's not like it didn't need a full respray anyway). Even so, I didn't really want a repeat. I dragged the slightly furry and somewhat flat spare from the silver Laguna up onto the Yaris airbox, and hooked it all up. The fluid rose up the pipe from the Gunsons bottle to the master cylinder reservoir. All good; back to the business end.

With an empty 2 litre milk bottle standing by, I popped off the rubber bung from the bleed nipple and slipped on the section of drain tube, then it was out with the 8mm spanner.

Sliiiiiiiip-ching.

With moderate pressure applied, the open-ended spanner rung off the hex flats, and my freezing knuckles made rather a lot of contact with the crusty drum. Shite. I removed the length of drain tubing, slipped the ring end of the spanner over the nipple, and tried again. Same result, only with substantially more damage to the recalcitrant brass nipple this time. Ye gods.

It's about this point, with the light failing and a light spattering of rain just beginning, that it all gets a little hazy. I didn't take any more photos, as I had rather a pressing need for the phone's torch just to see with (though, as it turns out, uncompressed Yaris springs prove an ideal holder for a phone with a torch while carrying out brake work), so you'll just have to believe me when I try to recall in some semblance of order what happened next...

• the increasingly tearful efforts to get the rear n/s bleed nipple to release (ultimately, an 8mm deep socket and tiny ratchet drive came to the rescue);
• the realisation that the silver Lag's spare wheel was indeed too flat to pressurise the system properly, necessitating me to swap it over for the green Laguna's spare wheel, causing lots of exciting brake fluid fountain action (not once but twice; I doubt the paint on the inner arch will ever be the same again, despite much mopping with kitchen roll) - and ultimately it transpired the bottle had lost a seal, NOT that the tyre pressure was too high. By the time I worked that out and rendered the bottle airtight, I had completely flattened the other spare wheel too - so had to move on to the Yaris' spare wheel;
• the increasingly heavy rain, and the streetlights coming on, taking a worsening toll on my mood;
• the realisation that the car had been parked too close to the driveway kerb to remove the o/s rear wheel, so I knocked the kerbstone out in sheer desperation
• the one piece of good news being that there's still plenty of meat on the pads, and the discs I fitted three years ago still look like new. But then it's only done about 7k since then.

I'm not sure exactly how it panned out, but eventually I found myself shivering there in the darkened driveway, by the light of a filthy phone torch, absolutely soaked to the skin and unable to tell where the rain ended and the blood, brake fluid and tears began. The wheelbolts had been torqued down; the master cylinder reservoir topped up. I had a toolcase brimming with rainwater, three flat spare tyres and a hungry cat yowling and rubbing round my filthy, tattered trousers. But it was done. I threw all the wet, grimy workshop gear into KAZ, storing up more problems for another day and, wincing with the various bits of sharp gravel embedded in my kneecap, dragged myself into the little Toyota and fired it up.

I jabbed the brake pedal a few times; definite resistance but... spongy, still? Lights on, out of the driveway. Definitely brakes present, but... something was not right. I took it round the block, prodding doubtfully. I hardly ever drive this car, I haven't taken it out for months - August MOT, maybe? - but they seemed nowhere near as good as the Laguna's. Maybe my big clumpy steel-toecapped workboots were just giving this impression of unresponsiveness? But there was a squeak. When pressed, a squeak coming from down around the pedal... master cylinder seal? Oh shit oh shit... not another FAIL for the day.

I brought it back, dismayed and crestfallen, and squelched into the house, felines petitioning me for their dinner every step of the way. Inside, Mrs DC was listening to a podcast and knitting a pair of legwarmers.

"Were you still out there?"

Er... yes.

"How's it coming on?"

I'm a disaster on two legs and need to be shot. Plus, I think your master cylinder's fucked.

Not one for needless words, off she set for a spin around the block to see how it compared to her drive home on Friday.

After ten minutes, she still wasn't back. Terrified that I'd sent her out in a deathtrap, I pressed myself up to the window like a Labrador with an attachment disorder, heart in my mouth every time I saw headlights approach through the sheeting rain and it still wasn't her. Had I remembered to tighten ALL the wheelnuts? Was I SURE? What if I'd forgotten to put the cap back on the reservoir? I imagined the police statement... and shuddered.

 

Eventually... lights on the road outside, then brake lights, and reverse lights. It was her.

Oh god oh god oh god I thought you weren't coming back...

"Took it up the Marshallstown Road for a bit; went up to sixty or so and stood it on its nose a few times, without anything to concern me. The brakes are fine, but then they were never really that sharp compared to the Fiesta or the Scenic... miles better than before, though. That brake pedal's always squeaked from time to time."

I sometimes forget that Mrs DC is a rather less timorous driver than me. As that lad at the rally school found out to his cost (and driveshafts).

 

So yeah. My list for the day ended as follows:

• change the Yaris brake fluid; success, at ruinous personal cost but at least Mrs DC is less likely to end up the wrong way round in a ditch
• remove the green Laguna's blower motor and fit the new thermal fuse; massive fail, MOAR £££ required plz
• remove the green Laguna's pollen filter to get an idea which one I need to order up; partial success, though still no closer to a new one
• give the silver Laguna a good jolt of Easy-Start in an effort to narrow down the non-starting issue as either a spark prob or a pez prob; fail - though at least the steering wheel is less likely to achieve sentience in the next fortnight and go on a rampage
• fit the new Kenwood MP3 stereo to the Yaris: didn't even get as far as failing on this one - but it's good to have a fresh failure ready for next weekend

One and a half out of five, then... not really very impressive. But experience dictates that some days are just like that, and alfresco mechanicking in January is rarely a pleasant task... so yeah.

Hot shower, warm clothes, fish fingers, and then Led Zeppelin on the turntable and coffee with a little something in it... that was the rest of Sunday evening.

 

This morning, I received a message via eBay that my Laguna blower assembly has been dispatched.

And now I'm terrified that there is, in fact, another part elsewhere under the dash that contains the PCB and thermal resistor, and I missed it... and have now needlessly spunked £30 I don't have on a useless component I don't need. Though at least the blower still works on full blast after being reconnected, so I'm no further back.

Sometimes, I think the cars are laughing at me... Herbie style.

Will the scrappy blower save the day and give me controllable demisting? Will a new pollen filter stop the bloody thing steaming up like a rugby club's changing room? Will Mrs DC get to listen to her sweary knitting podcasts in glorious quadrophonic sound with full steering wheel volume control, while still being able to stop in a straight line? Will KAZ ever start?

Stay tuned, folks, to Autoshite's most histrionic, most inept and least informative 'pains of ownership' thread...

Til next time.

[beko1987]

Fucking lol!

[Guest Hooli]

Brilliant. I'm enjoying this thread than most things written by people paid to write.

[Dirk Diggler]

Such a great thread; very well written; do you write for the day job?

[SiC]

Sound like me trying to fix cars. Grand ambitions for the day to achieve one thing at best.

 

Does this have a temperature settable climate control?