Special Tools

[Captain Flimble]

I needed to replace the alternator belt on my BMW today, and needed to use my special BMW Auxiliary Belt Removal Tool:

 

 

The alternator belt had snapped, which also drives the water pump, PS pump and fan. And about forty other different tensioners and idler wheels. Serpentine belt - more like a can-of-worms belt. (See what I did there?).

 

Unfortunately to get the new belt to wrap around this nightmare in clockwork, I first needed to remove the A/C pump belt that also comes off the main pulley but sits in front of the can-of-worms belt. Following the instructions in the BMW service manual meant simply turning the hex on the tensioner and slipping the belt off the pulleys. Amusingly* this turned out to be bollocks.

 

Several iterations of spanner and stilson, and all the best words in my box, (a synonym for "box" being one of them), culminated in no movement of the tensioner, even when I had a spanner straining between a bottle jack and the full weight of the front of the car.

 

I then found out that the hex was creeping around on the end of the tensioner. To tighten this I would need to put another spanner on the back with one hand whilst holding the front spanner with my other hand and at the same time hammer the front spanner with my, er... other hand.

 

This is where special tools come in!

 

Goodbye air conditioning. This will be quite a loss as we are just about to get the full heat of the Welsh Summer

 

The rest was easy*.

[Sigmund Fraud]

I then found out that the hex was creeping around on the end of the tensioner. To tighten this I would need to put another spanner on the back with one hand whilst holding the front spanner with my other hand and at the same time hammer the front spanner with my, er... other hand.

 

This is where special tools come in!

 

If I read this correctly, the only "special tool" necessary would be a second pair of hands. Isn't there anybody that you could entice to help ?

[Captain Flimble]

I'd still have the problem of getting the bugger to turn. And I only have one life, and I don't want to spend any more of it than necessary underneath a car that clearly hates being worked on. (And I probably clearly hate working on it!)

 

Anyway, (brace for rant) - this is normal for my BMW. Every time I do a job on it something has to get broken, either deliberately or accidentally. The thing just isn't designed to be worked on. Plus I refuse to, for example; remove the entire interior trim from the back of the vehicle to undo the shock absorber retaining nuts when I can just cut an access hole in the soundproofing; or, remove the entire sub-frame assembly and risk butchering 2No. radius arm balljoint boots to replace the end bush, (ergo buy an expensive replacement balljoint radius arm as you can only buy a complete assembly), when I can just hack the bush to bits with a jigsaw blade and a hacksaw and then hammer its replacement on insitu. (Lots of etceteras lined up for inclusion). 

 

Honestly, every little job on this car requires large-scale dismantling according to the manuals, and I much prefer to do the job quickly, and get the car back on the road. This usually means something unnecessary* gets "re-modelled".

 

Oh, and when I put the air duct back on at the end of the job, one of its clips broke off. It didn't even do anything other than make it difficult to get the air duct back on - the damn thing's bolted in place. Give me 20th century motors any day!